butum Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 ive been with my bf for almost 3yrs most of it long distance..he came to visit me in april which was wonderful, but about a month after things started to change he started to become very distant i would asking him why thing changed and we would argue things just have felt this way for over a month last friday i brought it up again because i was very upset about it and angry. he told me i needed to stop whining. so i was really upset after that. i told him i would talk to him 2mrw. usually everything goes back to normal and we make up. but i havent heard from him all weekend. til just today. he told me he went into rehab because he had gotten hooked on cocaine. and told me thats why he hasent talked to me so much over the past couple months. yes we talked everyday but not but 20mins a day or less. and i know ppl think i should leave him. but when your in as deep as i am its hard to just let go. i love him anyone have any words of comfort?
TMichaels Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 ive been with my bf for almost 3yrs most of it long distance..he came to visit me in april which was wonderful, but about a month after things started to change he started to become very distant i would asking him why thing changed and we would argue things just have felt this way for over a month last friday i brought it up again because i was very upset about it and angry. he told me i needed to stop whining. so i was really upset after that. i told him i would talk to him 2mrw. usually everything goes back to normal and we make up. but i havent heard from him all weekend. til just today. he told me he went into rehab because he had gotten hooked on cocaine. and told me thats why he hasent talked to me so much over the past couple months. yes we talked everyday but not but 20mins a day or less. and i know ppl think i should leave him. but when your in as deep as i am its hard to just let go. i love him anyone have any words of comfort? butum, So sorry to hear about your situation. Even though your b/f's news does help explain his upsetting behavior, I'm sure it was a bit of a shock and you are at a loss with how to cope with it all. Though your b/f is going through rehab, his addiction also has an impact on friends and family who are trying to cope as well. Have you thought about seeking some support or counseling of your own? Most 12-step programs recognize that it's just not the addict who needs support in dealing with addiction. That's why many run special programs designed to help deal with the fears, feelings, confusion and anger that are commonplace among friends and family members of an addict, too. I don't know where in California you are, but try Googling "Narcotics Anonymous" and see if there is a chapter or program near to you. Call or email them to see if they offer a friend/family member support service or program -- most of them are free or have only a nominal cost. Some even offer a free, anonymous "help line" where you can get advice and support by phone or interactive chat. At the very least, have a look at some of the "NA" websites. Loads of useful information that might help you gain a better understanding of addiction and what you as a friend or loved one can do to help. Best of luck to you, and take care... TMichaels
HisLove Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I don't quite know what to say Butum, except that I feel your sorrow. Turning it around to the situation if it was me that was the addicted person - I hope that somebody who loved me would stand beside (next to) me while I did what I needed to do to get well again. I would hope that this is something that is part of me, but doesn't define me wholly. TM (as always) offers great advice about support. I say support your man and be a sounding board, but also protect yourself by seeking the counsel of the experienced loved ones of addicts. He has been honest with you. Yayy!!
Author butum Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 i think i will look into that. i finally talked to him today on messenger, its been over a week since i last heard from him he told me a little about his situation. i didnt really want to ask because i didnt want to make him feel pressure to talk about it after all he is going through alot right now. even though i really want to know i dont want to pressure him to talk. he told me he was sorry for hiding it from me, but he felt he had to. he told me he is going to classes 10hours a day including a bible class. which im glad to hear. he told me he's allowed 4hours leave thats how he was able to talk to me for a little bit online at his sisters place. and hes also allowed 2 phone calls a day but of course they cant be long distance. i just feel so useless because i cant do anything but wait. i often feel like i made it worse for causing stress about him not talking to me as much when we would argue. i just love him so much its hard enough that we are in a long distance relationship, but now we have another problem in are way of being together. i just feel like i failed. i wasnt able to make him happy. so he turned to drugs. im glad he's getting help of course but i dont know how this is going to effect us when he gets out of rehab. or what im supposed to do or not do. and this is very shocking this was so unexpected of him.
TMichaels Posted August 10, 2008 Posted August 10, 2008 butum, Everyone is responsible for their own decisions and behavior. It IS NOT your fault your b/f has an addiction problem. He decided to get in involved with drugs -- you didn't cause him to. I hope you will look into getting involved in a local support group. How you feel is typical, but not necessarily the best thing for either of you. A group like "NA" will help you sort out your feelings and give you better insight into how best to deal with your b/f and his addiction. In the meantime, so glad your b/f was able to contact you. The fact that he is getting treatment is a good thing. Now, find out how you can best deal with and support his recovery so that the two of you can remain strong. Best, TMichaels
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