notsureifright Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Is there anybody has any good example of somebody cheated, failed, and sneaky and not honesty and become good, responsible family man?
wareagle Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Not that I know of not in my 37 years of life!!!!
Lizzie60 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Not that I know of not in my 37 years of life!!!! Nope.. not in my 56 years of life... either.. once a cheater, always a cheater in my book..
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Anything is possible with the right motivation. Probable, not likely unless the cheater gets some corrective aid or has suffered sufficient trauma to wake up and smell the roses. Most often with cheaters, the issues are associated to their coping mechanisms. If they're bored or unhappy, they look for external validation to make themselves real again. I sometimes wonder if a subsection of cheaters have codependency issues where their SOs are unable to meet those demands.
nopainnogain Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I tried for 6 years to see if a cheater would change. never happened tho
megapositive Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Anything is possible with the right motivation. Probable, not likely unless the cheater gets some corrective aid or has suffered sufficient trauma to wake up and smell the roses. Most often with cheaters, the issues are associated to their coping mechanisms. If they're bored or unhappy, they look for external validation to make themselves real again. I sometimes wonder if a subsection of cheaters have codependency issues where their SOs are unable to meet those demands. I think you're onto something here... it's about making themselves feel validated, real, when they are doubting their SO is feeling that way. What does the SO do then?
Trialbyfire Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I think you're onto something here... it's about making themselves feel validated, real, when they are doubting their SO is feeling that way. What does the SO do then? There's a fine line between reasonable needs and unreasonable needs. If all the reasonable needs have been met, there's nothing you can do unless you want to spend your entire life being emotionally drained, meeting every possible or potential need. Regardless, a cheater is solely responsible for their own actions, as you would be if you chose to surpass the speed limit and ended up with a ticket. Would you blame your SO for being the person who recommended the car to you, since it was so powerful, it was too easy to speed?
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 There's a fine line between reasonable needs and unreasonable needs. If all the reasonable needs have been met, there's nothing you can do unless you want to spend your entire life being emotionally drained, meeting every possible or potential need. Regardless, a cheater is solely responsible for their own actions, as you would be if you chose to surpass the speed limit and ended up with a ticket. Would you blame your SO for being the person who recommended the car to you, since it was so powerful, it was too easy to speed? No, but when you know someone, and understand their coping mechanisms, is it so bad to understand their behaviour? We all have coping mechanisms that may not be positive... is it really wrong to genuinely accept that someone cheats for lame and selfish and stupid reasons, and that it has nothing to do with you?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 No, but when you know someone, and understand their coping mechanisms, is it so bad to understand their behaviour? We all have coping mechanisms that may not be positive... is it really wrong to genuinely accept that someone cheats for lame and selfish and stupid reasons, and that it has nothing to do with you? Each person puts up with what they're willing to put up, within a relationship. Some people have open relationships where each person can continue to sleep around with others. As to coping mechanisms, my question to you is, if you're really angry at someone, is it okay to punch them because that's a form of coping mechanism?
The Collector Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Many people are capable of change. Many are not.
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Each person puts up with what they're willing to put up, within a relationship. Some people have open relationships where each person can continue to sleep around with others. As to coping mechanisms, my question to you is, if you're really angry at someone, is it okay to punch them because that's a form of coping mechanism? What is sleeping with someone else, is it really the end all? We've all slept with others before the one we're in the relationship with. Sex is just sex. Why is it such a horrible thing to do to another person?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 What is sleeping with someone else, is it really the end all? We've all slept with others before the one we're in the relationship with. Sex is just sex. Why is it such a horrible thing to do to another person? Why is it such a horrible thing to slap people around every so often? As long as you don't leave bruises, why is that so bad?
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Why is it such a horrible thing to slap people around every so often? As long as you don't leave bruises, why is that so bad? ha That's what I'm asking... why is it just as bad to have sex with another as to hit you?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 ha That's what I'm asking... why is it just as bad to have sex with another as to hit you? If two people accept that it's an open relationship, that's personal choice. When someone cheats, they hide it and take away freedom of choice from their partner. There's usually lying or lying by omission involved. Do you think that lying and cheating (putting your selfish needs ahead of someone else and removing their freedom of choice) shows a great deal of respect for your partner? Do you suppose it builds on trust, within a relationship?
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 If two people accept that it's an open relationship, that's personal choice. When someone cheats, they hide it and take away freedom of choice from their partner. There's usually lying or lying by omission involved. Do you think that lying and cheating (putting your selfish needs ahead of someone else and removing their freedom of choice) shows a great deal of respect for your partner? Do you suppose it builds on trust, within a relationship? No, I don't think it does, at all. I don't believe in cheating, and am wary of couples who have "open relationships." I'm asking this out of curiousity, because I realize that coping mechanisms can interfere, but if noted, won't break a relationship. If you realize your partner's coping mechanism is to feel affection from anyone he or she can get close to at the moment, do you really hold that against them?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 No, I don't think it does, at all. I don't believe in cheating, and am wary of couples who have "open relationships." I'm asking this out of curiousity, because I realize that coping mechanisms can interfere, but if noted, won't break a relationship. If you realize your partner's coping mechanism is to feel affection from anyone he or she can get close to at the moment, do you really hold that against them? If a partner of mine cheats, I'm gone. I don't have time to waste on someone who's unable to have a functional relationship built on the core foundations of love, respect and trust.
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 If a partner of mine cheats, I'm gone. I don't have time to waste on someone who's unable to have a functional relationship built on the core foundations of love, respect and trust. What if they don't think it's about love, respect or trust when they cheat? What if they tell themselves it's during a 'break up' and just need some ego boost?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 What if they don't think it's about love, respect or trust when they cheat? What if they tell themselves it's during a 'break up' and just need some ego boost? They can believe in unicorns if that's their thing. It's moot to me. Cheating is a non-negotiable for all kinds of reasons and if you want a totally non-emotional reason, there's no such thing as 100% safe sex. A serial cheater potentially brings risk of disease into a supposedly monogamous couple. There's also the pregnancy factor. Accidents happen.
megapositive Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 They can believe in unicorns if that's their thing. It's moot to me. Cheating is a non-negotiable for all kinds of reasons and if you want a totally non-emotional reason, there's no such thing as 100% safe sex. A serial cheater potentially brings risk of disease into a supposedly monogamous couple. There's also the pregnancy factor. Accidents happen. Yes, you're right. But I never am able to see the black and white thinking. Do you really have deal-breakers in mind the whole time you're in a relationship?
Trialbyfire Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Yes, you're right. But I never am able to see the black and white thinking. Do you really have deal-breakers in mind the whole time you're in a relationship? Cheating is a complete non-negotiable for me. I divorced a cheating spouse even though he was at the time, the love of my life. As for the rest of the non-negotiables, the only way to see if they are, is to have them happen. Once you're in that situation, you can and will act according to who and what you value.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 People who cheat can certainly change, but it takes a lot more than just simple willpower. It usually takes something monumental.
Crestfallen_KH Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I don't believe that everyone who cheats once will do so again. Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. I do think it takes self reflection, maturity, and empathy to prevent it from happening again. Not everyone is up for the work that self reflection requires and not everyone learned empathy at a young age. Statistics tell us that most men cheat at some point in their lives. To just automatically assume they are all no-good, cheating SOBs for life is grossly inaccurate. That being said, whether you want to be the one who forgives or works with them on the relationship if given the chance to rebuild is entirely up to you.
vivrantflo Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I do think it takes self reflection, maturity, and empathy to prevent it from happening again. Not everyone is up for the work that self reflection requires and not everyone learned empathy at a young age. Agree with this 100%
twice_shy Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Is there anybody has any good example of somebody cheated, failed, and sneaky and not honesty and become good, responsible family man? Oh they can become responsible family men. Good? don't know. But if anyone thinks that a cheater, even though on the outside makes the changes to not cheat again, wouldn't really like to keep shagging other people are fooling themselves.
grogster Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Is there anybody has any good example of somebody cheated, failed, and sneaky and not honesty and become good, responsible family man? Anything is possible. Some posters claim, without evidence, that all people who were once unfaithful will be unfaithful again. Why? Because it makes these posters feel good about themselves. They seek and find external validation in indelibly labeling every single person who was ever unfaihful as predestined to cheat again, again and again. If we were discussing alcoholics, kleptomaniacs, gamblers or abusers, most would never say that these people cannot rehabilitate themselves. It's only "cheaters" who occupy that special circle in Shack Hell who are doomed to be unfaithful for all eternity. That's bullsh#t. People are different; marriages are different; infidelities differ. Do not assume that a cheater will always cheat again. Keep your eyes open, and don't close them to the possibility of change in others. Grace happens--even to "bad" people.
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