Been together 2 1/2 years. At a crossroads?

[dmoore]

To anyone who can help:

 

I've been w/ my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years. We are both 26. I care about my girlfriend tremendously and think she could be someone I would marry in a few years. However, I am not ready yet to become more serious. She is not pushing me to get married now, but I feel like after all the time we've spent together, it should be clear to me by now as to whether I want to continue getting more serious. My fear is that we spend 2 more years together, decide its not right, and then we are left wondering why I didn't pull the plug if I was unsure 2 years ago. But when I consider breaking up, I cringe at the thought of losing her when I know she is someone I consider a potential wife. I feel selfish b/c I occasionally think about dating other women (is this normal?). I have kissed 2 other girls during our time together & didn't tell her b/c it didn't mean anything. I look forward to seeing her but I also value my independence, which seems to be a conflict, and it definitely eats at me a lot as to whether I am giving her the attention she deserves. She is very cute, thoughtful, considerate, encouraging of me, and we share similar long term goals of family. We've discussed the possibility of getting more serious -- but its usually in the context of "down the line". I feel selfish by occasionally desiring other women. My job is also making me unhappy & I am looking at moving to another city -- w/out her as she just got a new job in the current city we live in. This makes for a very difficult decision as to whether we should a) separate for a time, and determine if this is "right" b) continue on as we are until another major event occurs -- i.e. me moving to another city, giving us space c) break up now, and deal with all the risks involved or d) continue on as is until a major "sign" comes along and I know for sure either way.

 

Thanks for all of your help

[Tessa]

You remind me of my b/f. We too have been together for 2 1/2 years. He is the non-committal type. You know, young(25) and thinks that the grass is always greener elsewhere. Well, I hate to break it you guys, but if you continue to think that way, the right one is going to pass you by.

 

Sure it's normal to think about dating other people. Even married people think about it, but that is all they do, just think about it.

 

If you care about your g/f as much as you say you do, don't lead her on. It's not fair to her, nor to you. If you are thinking about moving to another city, I think that is all the "sign" you need. Long distance relationships never work. Sure they are good in the beginning and as time goes by, things start to change. If you love her, don't put her through that.

 

She deserves to be happy(everyone does) and if it is not with you, let her find the right one.

 

whoah...This is everything that I have been thinking about myself. A relationship that is going no where is just not worth it. No matter how much you care about the other.

[vixen]

well, my parents have been together some 23 years, they never married. It's not a going no where relationship. Not at all. they own a house two cars, a laundry matt, and two well brought up daughters.

 

If this is bugging you you can say i nead space to think, and tone down the interactions if that will clear your thoughts. I know it did wonders for me. Though you are goint to be neglecting her neads. Always talk, always make sure this is what is right. And try realy hard not to neglect her. All the advice i can give.

 

Vixen

[Curiousa]

if you are not fully and without doubt into it, then you better drop out now, coz it's not the right thing for you

 

a) she deserves someone who is totally and without a doubt committed to her

b) you should look for someone and something you can be totally and without a doubt committed to and not settle for someone / something just in case nothing better comes around ...

 

Don't be afraid she might be a good indication of what you want in the future, but apparently not all "it", so why not look for the whole package?! Seems fairer both to her and to yourself ....

 

My 2 cts

[dmoore]

i know its been a few days, but thanks everyone who posted here for your honest advice. i am taking a few days to evaluate things and then will talk it through w/ my g/f. this is so tough :-( but its great to have this board to hear feedback.

[dmoore]

curiousa -

 

in response to your question - "but apparently not all "it", so why not look for the whole package?"

 

i think i (as well as others) struggle w/ whether there is an "all it" even out there -- or if a good relationship is simply a matter of slight compromoise and change in perspective. i think it goes back of the age old question of whether soul mates actually exist -- or if your more of a nurturing type who can get more ouyt of a relationship over time. i am sort of caught between those 2 right now. couple this w/ the internal fears over losing a "good" thing and that is kind of where i am at.

[yagottahelp]

I can relate to the original post. I have been with my gf, or ex gf now for 2 1/2 years, we are now in college, going to the same school actually- we are both 20. It was at the point where we A) get married-which neither of us wnated to do, or B) stay together and probably end up marriend and possibly divorced someday asking what we missed out on or C).......it's so hard, but we are kind of our own person right now, we are almost positive we'll be together, but we are spending a little time without each other so close, to make sure our idea is right- call it make or break, if it's as great as we though-we'll be ok

 

if it wasn't supposed to happen, we'll find other people-it's so hard, but better now thatn a few years from now-just my two cents.