Cant cope

[imamess]

I dont really know where to start, im just heartbroken and I need to talk to someone...so here goes

 

 

 

 

 

Me and my ex have been on and off for about 10 years (im 28 hes 31), we have had about 4 breakups in that time, mainly because he wants to be single and enjoy singleton...so he can meet new girls I guess....I wont go on about too much of the last 10 years but will start from about 2 years ago....

 

 

 

 

So we had a breakup 2 years ago, we were apart for about 3 months, i was hurting because I didnt want this breakup, anyway he met someone, got he pregnant and they were going to get married (yeah all in 3 months).....anyway he then decides he wants to be with me and dropped the other girl for me, and coz im so in love with this man i forgive him and take him back, the other girl goes on to have his baby but doesnt let him see his child because of me, but she is now happily married to someone else....but I still forgave him for hurting me...

 

 

 

 

So we give it another go and I fall pregnant (we lost 2 children to miscarriages 5 years previous) and we were over the moon but a little scared, I went to my 12 week scan and everything was fine and we were really happy...anyway 2 weeks later he decides he doesnt want all this and leaves me again, so I heartbreakingly go through the pregnancy on my own! Towards my due date he starts showing his face and stupidly I allow him at the birth, but I thought this would make us....and it did!! We got back together and we both enjoyed our Son, things were really great. I was so happy...

 

 

 

 

Then about 3 months ago he starts going out with his friends every weekend and not bothering to come home til 5 in the morning and so the arguements started. Then 6 weeks ago he stayed out all weekend and I just lost it and told him to go (I didnt mean for him to go) and he did....I asked him to come back but he said that he will always hurt me as he loves his friends too much.....this knocked me for six and have been a complete mess, he has our Son 3 hours a week and obviously things that is enough, he goes out every weekend and has fun while im stuck in crying for him....

 

 

 

 

I went out 2 weeks ago and he saw me out and told me how much he loves me and cant be without me and I thought he wanted us to get back together but all he wanted was to sleep with me, so he used me, knowing how much I love him and would do for him, he used me!!

 

 

 

 

But he still kept coming round to pick our Son up and spend some time with him and everytime he would leave he would give me a kiss, basically keeping me holding on I guess and then today I find out he was in the local pub where we used to drink and all our friends drink with another girl, all over her.....

 

 

 

 

I stupidly phoned him and asked if he had anything to tell me and he said no, and I said are you seeing someone and what I had been told....he said he wasnt seeing anyone and I said so its just a one night stand and his reply was "so what if it was"...I broke down and told him I hated him, then he text me saying it was just a kiss, but whats it to do with me as we are not together and he can do whatever he pleases....I kknow this is true but he keeps telling me he loves me and keeps me hanging on, I wish sooo much I could get over him but I am so in love with him and seing him because of our Son just makes it harder.....please please someone help me, I love him sooo much but he is just hurting me, how do I get over him?????? I know im a doormat and he probably knows that he can get me back whenever he feels like it, im just so depressed and wishing this wasnt happening

 

 

 

 

Thanks soooo much for anyone replying xxx

[Ronni_W]

I love him sooo much but he is just hurting me,

I'm sorry but I do have to ask: what is it about what you are getting from him that you "love so much"?

 

There is a thread in a different forum that is seeking to define "love", and the words being used there are kindness, compassion, respect, admiration, appreciation, support, and so on.

 

I do accept that you "love" this guy. I'm just not clear what you mean by that, so it's kind of difficult to offer any more.

And I do understand that your situation is causing you a lot of pain...I am sorry for that. (((hugs)))

[Rafa]

Hi imamess,

 

I think you probably know already that somehow you have to find the strength to let this guy go for good. He is extremely selfish, and has been very nasty to you again and again.

 

It's all about being strong and realizing that you're worth more than this. I don't know how to make you believe that you are worth more than this, but trust me, you are.

 

Do you have good friends that you can talk to? It would be good if you had a close friend that you could speak to every time you feel tempted to let this guy come back. Someone that could help you be strong and resist him.

 

Fact: He will not change.

He will hurt you again and again, however much you continue to let him. You don't want to waste even more time on this guy when it will always lead you back to this point. You need to stop calling him and see him only when it's necessary for him to see your son. You must take control and move on asap because you will eventually have to anyway, and when you finally do you don't want to have to look back on too many wasted years and think "why didn't I just let go sooner".

 

There are decent guys out there but you can only really meet them when you get this guy out of your head.

 

You can do it. You will always be proud of the day that you took control and moved on. It really is in your hands.

[imamess]

Im not too sure what I love about hin, I guess that sounds stupid....

 

When we are together he is nice to me, they only thing was when it came to the weekends, thats when we would row because he would want to go out drinking all weekend and I would try to make him understand that you just cant do that when you have a baby....I suppose we were going in different directions, I wanted the whole family thing and he still wanted his social life.....at 31 surely he would want to grow up??

 

It hurts to know that I put 110% into this relationship and am in complete bits and he is out doing God knows what, I just couldnt go near another person, it kind of sickens me.....I would necer cheat on him, and would always be loyal but its just not enough for him..

 

I guess it makes it harder because he has been my only boyfriend, when we have broken up before he always gets a new girlfriend and it hurts like hell.....I have never got with anyone else so he has never had to see me with someone else and hut at the every thought you have...

 

I know you are thinking that I should be used to him hurting me but everytime it just gets harder, and every day im not with him it gets harder, it kills me to see him when he picks our Son up, he looks happy and always looks as if he is going out as he is dressed up....

 

He told me that the incident with the other girl was just a`kiss, but a few people I know seem to think he is seeing this women, I have asked him to tell me the truth so I can deal with it and he said there is nothing to tell and that he doesnt even know the women, I asked him why he took her to a place where everyone knows us and he replied because there was nothing in it with this women so he thought nothing of taking her to a place where eberyone knew us......but he was all over her, kissing her and stuff, my friends who saw him said he and this other women were really drunk and the other women apparently turned ound to one of my friends and said "I suppose you know his ex"...what the hell does that mean?? So he must have been saying stuff to her about me, so you cant say that that was a random girl he had just met!!!! Im in bits and I really dont know what to do, all I do is cry and be sick.......please someone just help me

[Lovelybird]

It seems like he doesn't want the same thing as you. you want a fulfilling commitment relationship, while he is out there playing ground. Unless some serious wakening he doesn't change the way he is.

 

I understand you need his love and faithfulness all that, but now you cannot get that. so I would like advise you put focus off him, and switch focus back on yourself, find some other ways to make yourself feel fulfilled, get to know some new friends (not necessary seek new bf) who genuinely care about you, make your life more fulfilling even when your bf cannot offer that to you. when you get some strength back, you make it clear to your bf, you want his faithfulness and commitment, if he cannot offer that, stop having sex with him, having sex with him but same time he cannot offer commitment will frustrate you more. Basically "all or nothing"

 

maybe when you get to know some new friends, or new passion for something, it will open your eyes to new perspective about your playing ground bf. you got to stand up for yourself, you fight for yourself, also you fight for your bf, why? because he would be motivated to be a better man

 

in no way you should live in this misery.

[imamess]

I thought the fact we had a child together (which was planned) would have been is awakening call, but he has just got worse...he thinks that 3 hours a week is enough time to see his Son, I have tried to make him have him everyother weekend but he always has an excuse, but I know its because he wants to go out and play about...

 

I have taken the steps to getting someone else to pick our Son up so I dont have to see my ex, I feel like I have made a mistake coz now I will never see my ex and not seeing him hurts like hell, but I know its for the best.

 

My friends are dragging me out Friday night (I really dont want to go) and im scared im going to see my ex, I dont know what to do if I do...xxx

[Lovelybird]

Hi, don't lose hope

 

Do you believe in God, God of universe? If you read my previous posts, you will know there are lots of power things God does. Did you try to pray to God? God has a good plan for you I am quite sure. when you cannot change your bf, God can. God loves you, how about seek God and ask God?

 

Heavenly Daddy did many powerful things in my life, and still doing

 

(((hug)))

 

Hope

[imamess]

I do believe in God yes, but would God really put me through all this suffering??? Surely He would think shes had enough of this man let me help her get over him??? I wish so much my ex could change but he wont will he??? If he hasnt changed after 10 years whats to make him change now?

 

I would die for that man and thats what scares me, its awful when you love someone so much and they really could not give a damn about you, I text him to let him know that I willl arrange for someone else to pick up our Son so that way we dont have to see each other and he didnt even bother replying, thats how much I mean to him...

 

Thank you for listening to me and giving me advice, I really appreciate it xxxxxxx

[Lishy]

Honey he is treating you this way because you are allowing him to!

 

Have a think about how you would reply to someone else who was in the same situation - That can be a real eye opener!

 

I know you deserve more but you have to realise that for yourself!

[Lovelybird]

you welcome

 

How much do you think you can hear from God? do you read his words lately and have quiet time with God? I believe God has best plan for you, and He would guide you every step. As for the suffering, I don't know, but if it is God sent, then God knows how to walk out, and you would arrive a much better place after overcoming this suffering.

 

One thing you cannot forget, God loves you and have your best interest in His heart. Remember "walking on water"? if we don't lose focus, we are going to be fine. Lately I learned that it is very possible we can have joy and peace when facing difficulties: praying, praying, and talking to God.

 

I remember one time God told me that "I am with you in this together"

 

sister, look up not look at the mess

[Lishy]

I do not think god can help her with this one!

 

She needs to see the woods through the tree's, she has to do this herself as god will not do this for her!

[Lovelybird]

when we pray, God gives us grace and strength and wisdoms to deal with issues. And God will tell us His purpose and will for us, it is the very key we overcome issues in our lives.

[imamess]

I wish I had your faith Lovelybird but its true what Lishy said, its only me that get myself out of this mess, no amount of praying is going to help me.....the man I love has gone and there is nothing I can do about this....I need to find the strengh to let go but thats what im struggling with, I just cant seem to let go, no matter how hard I try :'( xxxx

[Lishy]

I wish I had your faith Lovelybird but its true what Lishy said, its only me that get myself out of this mess, no amount of praying is going to help me.....the man I love has gone and there is nothing I can do about this....I need to find the strengh to let go but thats what im struggling with, I just cant seem to let go, no matter how hard I try :'( xxxx

 

 

I think Lovelybird finds all of her answers by asking god, of course it isnt god who gives the answers, LB finds her own answers but her strong belief in god is what keeps her strong to see those choices. In a way I wish I had that faith, but alas I do not.

 

Imamess, I believe that deep down you do not believe that you can do any better then this poor excuse of a man. Until you see that you are worth so much more, nothing will change and he will continue to wipe his feet on you.

 

Personally, I would not pee on that man if he was on fire, but that is easy for me to say as I do not love him.

 

Learn to love yourself honey

[imamess]

And if I was somebody else reading this I wouldnt pee on him either and tell her to get over him, but it is me and I just cant seem to let go.....

 

I have been invited to a firework display tonight but I know he will be there with her probably so I cant go, how on earth could I face seeing him with someone just yet?? So indoors for me again because im too weak to get on with my life just like he is doing xxx

[Lishy]

Honey he is treating you very very badly and it has to end at some point. I do not agree that you cannot live without him, I believe that you will have a MUCH better life with him out of your hair

 

He has you just where he wants you babe and he is so not worth it!

[imamess]

I know your right and im really REALLY going to try and let go this time...it scares the hell out of me but I know I got to do it, otherwise this will be my life forever wont it....

 

It makes me sad to try and move on from him but hopefully I will one day see that it was for the best x x x x

[Lishy]

One day you will wake up and smell the coffee hon, we all do one day!

[journey1]

It hurts badly it is beyond painful and it feels like torture!! I am going through the same thing minus the baby! Today I contacted him and broke 9 days of NC. STUPID STUPID STUPID ME!!! Our text war got so bad becasue he wouldnt say anything I wanted to hear and I couldnt stop texting. His sister even called me and told me to stop and that I should come over to her house and have a glass of wine and that I am losing it! NOW THAT IS EMBARASSING!! So dont contact him, I know it hard. I bet I know the feeling you have inside when you picture him treating a girl the way he treated you (the way that made you fall inlove) its like why did he stop doing that for me?? It kills because we have them on some f in pedestal and they are certainly not worthy of being there. And I also know the feeling of not wanting to meet or see or touch anyone else. THAT IS THE MOST FUNNY AND F'ED UP PART!! Cause everytime we fight there is always a girl that is on the back burner to replace me and you. And we are two sorry souls that do not want to find anyone else. Well, we need to. So this Friday you need to go out and realize this is your new life!!! Convince yourself that you deserve it. A life with him wont be a very good one. And if he does change you will know, you will feel it. Stay strong, I know it hurts like death

[Narf]

Hey.. I know it is really painful and scarey right now for you and you dont want to touch anyone else and you just want to get over it!! You know he isnt treating you right... You know you deserve better.. You know you want more then he can give...But you just cant let go...

Just a suggestion and it worked for me... I did one thing at a time.. tackled one horrible painful scarey thought at a time... I started with "he has someone else" I thought and thought about that and how it gutted me and how i couldnt do that but after a while it sunk in and it made me think why do i want him?? We arent on the same page... Hell we arent even in the same book... I didnt want to message him cause i thought if i do and he doesnt reply he is with her and i would be sick... If he does reply nothing changes he is with her... i feel sick. You know he has someone else accept it...You will still love him but you will start to think hmm why do i?? Next i tackled "how do i make myself feel better" music did it for me.. Songs i could relate too mainly angry songs at first...Then it changed to songs that made me want to dance or gave memories from parts of my life (not him) but hanging with friends, holidays, the beach, anything if he came into my head i switched songs...

 

It might not work for you but you need to start judging things for you... What will make you feel more pain.. Seeing him? Dont see him.. Txting and getting no response?? Dont txt.. Im still not healed but i am so much better then i was... and im so proud i have made it this far.. It gives you so much strenght! and confidence!

Sorry this is long but my point is... One step at a time... Time will help you but you cant rush it...

[Lovelybird]

I think Lovelybird finds all of her answers by asking god, of course it isnt god who gives the answers, LB finds her own answers but her strong belief in god is what keeps her strong to see those choices. In a way I wish I had that faith, but alas I do not.

I don't have that strength in myself, I feel same pain like you feel, kind you are said I found all answers

 

Imamess, I totally understand how you feel, yesterday midnight I woke up, from nowhere came this thoughts about our inner child, made me cry a lot, maybe sounds a little bit self pity, but from time to time we need to nuture our inner child, give her full credit and all the love she deserves. Then I thought about I need to protect her, don't let anyone to trample upon her, then I thought I should let God nutures her, let kind people care her, and give her chances to breath. After these thoughts I felt peace, I didn't solve the problem all at once, but at least I saw a beam of light. I saw I expect favor both from God and people, the inner child will grow up and grow strong. I really believe in this and God's blessings

 

I am going to ask God's favor, and watch how HE loves like HE promised. I hope you nuture your inner child too, maybe she has been neglected for too long time

 

Do you have all verses concerning blessing? if you sow these words in your heart, they will become yours

 

God bless and send all strength insight to your way

[imamess]

Thanks for your replies, I just dont know what to say, I feel like im brain dead and this is not true, it feels very strange...

 

He text me today and said "im sorry im not the man you wanted me to be Xx" I didnt text back....then he text me "Are you going to so and so's BBQ Sunday" (we have both been invited to a BBQ by both our best friends) and I replied "you go, I wont go" and then he text "I know you hate me but please go, why should one of us miss out, I promise to stay out of your sight" and then he went on to say that he isnt with anyone and that I shouldnt listen to stupid rumours.....I havent text back as I do not know what to say...

 

Is this just more mind games, why does he want me to go to the BBQ, you would think he would prefer it if I didnt.....I just dont know what he is playing at

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Lovelybird]

Thanks for your replies, I just dont know what to say, I feel like im brain dead and this is not true, it feels very strange...

 

He text me today and said "im sorry im not the man you wanted me to be Xx" I didnt text back....then he text me "Are you going to so and so's BBQ Sunday" (we have both been invited to a BBQ by both our best friends) and I replied "you go, I wont go" and then he text "I know you hate me but please go, why should one of us miss out, I promise to stay out of your sight" and then he went on to say that he isnt with anyone and that I shouldnt listen to stupid rumours.....I havent text back as I do not know what to say...

 

Is this just more mind games, why does he want me to go to the BBQ, you would think he would prefer it if I didnt.....I just dont know what he is playing at

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

If you are wondering, then go to find out. You want the truth, right? truth will set you free

 

and if I were you, I would go to God first, find out if this is His will, if this man is his will for me. If this man is God's will for you, then certainly God will do miracles for you, to change both of you and make you two united. But first, you have to consult God. If this man isn't God's will for you, you will find out you bump your head on a wall and nothing will change, and miss out the good one God planed for you.

 

This is hard lesson I learned. Asking God first is much better and effective than we alone struggle because when we alone struggle we don't see clues AND if we don't walk on the path God planed for us, we don't have source to draw strength, and easily depressed. Asking God, it is heaven and earth big difference.

 

((hugs))