Thanks

[Mangell]

Hello all,

 

I'm based in the UK and stumbled upon this site after desperately googling break-up help.

 

The other sites I tried often made things a lot worse - especially Yahoo Answers where the standard reply to similar circumstances to mine were "She's cheating on you - the b***h!"

 

This site has been a goldmine of help - genuine people with good advice and not all applying there own worse-case scenario to every one else's situation.

 

Well I'm 40, on my 2nd marriage - she's only 24 and we have a gorgeous 3 year old son.

 

I can (now) see what a rubbish husband I've been - essentially I pushed her away by not giving her the time, love and affection she deserved. Quite a few times she would get upset and go to her mum's house but always return and apologise to me for being over emotional. Even her mum said "she's difficult to live with" - so, of course, I never changed and continued with the stupid behaviour of putting her down when she wasn't dressed up around the house or if she had her hair up and I wanted it down. This wasn't constant abuse but it was often enough to be a pain - the trouble was she never told me just how much it was hurting her. YES I should have realised - but didn't.

 

It (oddly) came as a surprise when she said she was moving out - she's been in her own flat for 2 weeks - but we see each other a lot because of our son.

 

I made all the mistakes at first - begged for her to come back, told her I'd change (even though I never knew what I was trying to change) and used the excuse of our son as a reason for her to come back. Every single DON'T I did.

 

Then I picked up all the advice about No Contact or Low Contact (I love how everyone uses all the abbreviations on here - sometimes the site seems 'a bit American' - but I love it). Anyway - as soon as I cooled down, stopped texting and emailing and pleading and started being upbeat when we talked things changed.

The weekend after she moved to her flat I sorted a few bits out for her and the following Monday we shared a take-away. We then had a few days apart and my feelings fluctuated like everyone elses on here - sometimes strong and able to cope, othertimes negativity flooding out of every pore. This week she babysat my boys from my first marriage and ended up staying and we slept together. Today she admitted it was a bit of a mistake and not to get my hopes up - she was just feeling randy.

 

So today I'm back thinking the worst - trying to give her the space and time she needs. Desperately hoping things will work out and reading loads of books about how to make myself a better person - if she does come back I don't want it to be to the same relationship. I read a great book about Boundaries In Marriage - a bit religious for my liking but the advice was brilliant - I learnt a lot about myself. Next on the list is the 5 Languages of Love.

 

Somedays I think I should try to totally limit our contact. Her mood seems to change a lot so I never really know what to do. I don't want to be taken for a mug who'll help her out when she needs me - or jump into bed whenever she wants. I want her to miss me and move back in because she thinks it's the right thing to do. We're pretty amiable but I cannot stand the thought of losing her.

 

There were obviously a lot of bad behaviour patterns that we need to sort out but I think if we do get back together we could have a strong relationship and I could finally put her first and show her she's loved and is the most important person in the house.

 

But (if you're still reading) I'd like to say thanks to all the sensible, positive posters on here - you're a massive help to a lot of broken hearted people.

 

Mike,

[sultry33]

hi mike, welcome here.. woo hoo and from the uk too:p

I found this through another site.. mars and venus something like that and this place has been great for me..

 

I pop on to see how people are doing.. sometimes cry sometimes laugh but at end of the day we are all human going through similar things..

 

I think you are doing everything right and at least you are trying to change

change for yourself too

 

keep posting pleaseeeeeeeee

[wareagle]

You seem to be putting all the blame on yourself for the relationship not prospering like it should. Explain to us a bit more about the problems you and her were having. I will put money on it that you aren't 100% to blame for things being the way they are fella!

[Mangell]

You seem to be putting all the blame on yourself for the relationship not prospering like it should. Explain to us a bit more about the problems you and her were having. I will put money on it that you aren't 100% to blame for things being the way they are fella!

 

You're right I wasn't 100% to blame but the worst of it was down to me. I think our biggest problem was communication. I like being surrounded by happy people and quite often she'd seem a bit miserable. Instead of trying to find out what was troubling her I'd just say "oh come on cheer up."

 

Sometimes I'd nag if the house was untidy - it wasn't really untidy and she had our son to look after too - but I just couldn't help sniping. It seems clear to me now I WAS always pushing her away and making her miserable.

 

She used to get tired early in the evenings too - whereas I used to like staying up later - so we started missing out on sex because we weren't going to bed together. I then started using the PC for porn & chat - got a bit addicted and sometimes would go to bed at 3.am.

 

I did stop that about a month before she left but the damage was done.

 

Reading this I can't blame her at all for leaving and she'd be a fool to come back without cast iron evidence that changes were in place.

 

Don't get me wrong we had a lot of laughs - I used to make her laugh a lot. We had a lot of good times when we went out - it was just round the house we used to pick holes in each other.

 

I'm a very hands on dad and as a result all the boys are 'Daddy's Boys', I helped out round the house a lot, cooking, washing etc, and I did buy her flowers often etc - but for some reason I couldn't help picking holes in her appearance even though when she does herself up she is stunning.

 

(Of course, now she's gone I'd find her stunning even if she was wearing a sack.)

 

But for her it's all too little too late. she could get a guy whenever she wants and he'd probably love her just the way she is - so why should she want to come back to someone who needed her to leave before he appreciated what he had??