Dumped...maybe

[SilverLining]

I dated this guy for 5 and a half years, and he was so wonderful to me. He was affectionate and took care of me, and was always there for me when I needed him. I could not have gotten this far in my life without him. We even got engaged recently. The problem? He's dumped me....AGAIN. Every year, this person who tells me constantly how much he loves and appreciates me, breaks up with me. I call it the 'Unhappy Dance'. He tells me that he is not happy, and then within a week or two breaks up with me, despite anything I do to resolve his issues. He ends it suddenly, and refuses to take phone calls or see me to answer questions. His family and friends are utterly bewildered. After a few months, he contacts me again and we end up back together. The last time, he was determined that he would not break up with me, as he began feeling 'unhappy' a couple months after we had gotten back together. Instead of talking to me, he started talking to a coworker and had an emotional affair - although not physical, which I found out about. After this he freaked out and said that he loved me and wanted to marry me and didn't know why he did these things, and that he was disgusted with himself. He immediately got us into counseling and threw himself into the relationship, sending me emails every day about how happy he was and how lucky he felt, and how grateful he was to me for sticking with him through everything. We searched at least 20 stores before we found an engagement ring, and it was incredibly expensive but he got it for me. We decided what kind of wedding to have, and everything was going so well and I was so happy. That is, until last month, when he decided he was 'unhappy'. We spoke about it, and things seemed to have been resolved this time. We went to the counselor and my fiance told him that although he had felt unhappy, he felt the issue was resolved and everything was great again. 4 days later he broke up with me. I didn't even see him in between that time.

 

I gave him a couple weeks, and now he isn't sure if he wants to work on this relationship anymore but he is willing to go on dates to see how he feels. Part of me thinks that I need to try as hard as I can, and another part of me thinks...I should just get out of this. I love this person so much, and I can't help but think we'd have such a good relationship if he would just stop dumping me all the time! If that could be resolved...through counseling, perhaps like his father, he suffers from depression...I don't know. This is no way to live, I certainly can't marry him like this. Presently, I can see us getting back together because this is already different - it usually takes him a few months to want to see me. But if that happened, could this situation ever be resolved? Would it be better for me to cut my losses and move on? I'm so angry, hurt, and embarrassed, and I'm young enough to make a new start (27). I've had a few long term relationships and have even been engaged once so I know I can make it through the heartache. I just don't think I will ever find anyone like that again. I have never found anyone so attractive physically and emotionally.

 

I guess I am wondering if anyone has been through this before and was it ever successfully resolved? Does anyone have any advice for me? I really want to save this relationship if it can be saved. If it can't, well then I'm selling this ring and taking a trip around the world.

[SilverLining]

it was about 6 months that we had been in counseling and going strong before he did this again. And no, we had not been fighting.

[dadawg]

hey silver, wish there was very simple answer to your dilemma, but there isn't. However, you have to realize that people do not change. I had an ex who would ignore me for days, and this was in a long distance thing. I did not accept it. As for you, you two seem to live close by, and still he manages to take a break from you, and you let him. Now, here's what you have to think about. If this person runs away from you when there is no valid reason, will this person stick around if there is one? People make mistakes, what if you make one? People are fragile, what if you get into an accident tomorrow, and you need his care? Can you rely on this guy? From the story, I say, I don't know. If he ignores you for months at a time, he wouldn't even come to know you need him. However, you know him better than us LSers, and you are better equipped to make that decision. My opinion, he's on the driver seat, and he goes where he wants with this relationship. He will never break up with you because he knows you are part of the very few who will put up with his crap. He will keep doing what he does best, and take you for a ride. Not easy, but let him go. He's not sure about you.

[wareagle]

So what were his reasons for being unhappy? What did he tell you and what did he tell the counseler?

[SilverLining]

he felt I wasn't appreciating him enough, and that he felt I was too emotionally dependent on him. I agree I depend on him a lot, but that is mostly because he is a caretaker type of person. He wants me to lean on him, and when it starts to become too much for him, instead of telling me that he's getting overwhelmed, he just tries to ignore it. I had no idea all this time that he was feeling this way, but he does not communicate with me. This is something that we had been trying to resolve through counseling, and although his communication had been a lot better he still dropped the ball completely on this one. As for appreciating him enough, I had gotten out of the habit of doing nice things for him because I was so angry about the emotional affair and I didn't even want to continue the relationship at the time. I was getting over it a few months ago and started cleaning up his place for him, doing some laundry, and cooking a bit, but for the past 2 months or so I was trying to limit the time I spent at his place because he has 2 roommates and I figured that they were getting sick of me.

 

As far as depending on him, whenever I have a problem, he tells me that "we'll figure it out" and he immediately takes on the problem too. He helps me out whenever I need it, and it's a running joke that he usually does whatever I ask. I don't want that kind of relationship - I want him to be able to tell me when enough is enough, I want him to be able to tell me what he feels more. It isn't just me, he does this with family and his friends. I usually try to dig a little deeper or anticipate what he might like to do, so we do end up doing a lot of things he likes, but I don't know everything and I cannot read minds. I don't know why he has such trouble talking to me - I have never turned him away or refused to listen with an open mind. He knows that all he ever has to do is tell me he has a problem with something and I would do my best to resolve it. This is, in fact, how he began this whole situation this time, but he gave no time to resolve anything. It's like he only started asking for help when he didn't want the help anymore.