JooSee Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 My parents. They are in their mid-late sixties at this point. The thing is, we do not have a good relationship. I moved far away from them (across the country) back in 1996 and have only been back to visit them 3 times. They've come to visit me and my brother, but only for graduation or babies, never just because. Anyway, I feel like they have always criticised me and my life, so over the years, I've just distanced myself further and further. I also feel like they have NEVER taken me seriously as a woman. I am the youngest of three, but am in my thirties now, so shouldn't it be time for them to look at me as an adult, and not be parental anymore? I dont feel they respect my lifestyle, or maybe they are just jealous. So last night I was thinking about death, and thought...OMG what if they die before we work it out? How will that affect me? I'm afraid to just call and try to discuss it with them. My family is very closed emotionally...like we are afraid to be vulnerable around each other, so we never talk about real stuff. Our conversations are usually about the weather, or what movie we just saw. It never gets real. And as i've mentioned, they dont take me seriously. I dont feel like they respect me. I want my parents to be my friends now, but is that even possible? I want to be able to chat with them like they were my own friends (minus the sexual chit chat ). How can I renovate my relationship with my parents before its too late???
vintagecat Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I understand what you are feeling. My father died and we really didn't have it "worked out". It would have been wonderful but chances are we would have had to be different people than who we are/were to have that happen. It isn't a tragedy IMO that we weren't able to see eye to eye, it's just something that I accept and I understand that he loved me in the way that he could given the limitations of our relationship and communication level. My mom and I, (while I love her and she loves me) aren't very close nor do we talk about things I consider important, it's just surface stuff like you mentioned in your post. That's what she is comfortable with. For years I was the child/sibling that talked about the elephant in the room much to everyone's dismay and disapproval. I finally realized as an adult in order to make visits and trips home go well I had to keep a lot of things to myself and be content to talk about the corn harvest, the weather, the garden (which is somewhat interesting) and what is going on in their little town. We don't unfortunately have much in common to discuss and my/our day to day activities are foreign to them somewhat like they raised an alien child and it's best to not look too closely for fear of discovering that I am in fact from Mars and turn orange and grow tentacles after sunset. So unless asked, I just don't volunteer that much information about our life. I listen, I nod, I smile, I ask pertinent questions or make polite comments when needed. I am different (as I suspect are you from your family core values). My priorities are different. My politics are different. What I'm willing to put up with is different than the vast majority of my family. I have one sister that also began talking about the elephant as an adult (but only to me) so I know that it's not just me but I also just had to accept that meetings with my family to be pleasant had to be pretty much on their terms. Of course I don't visit often and I keep it short. I live several thousand miles away and the distance provides the buffer I need to withstand the criticism, the sting of rejection and demands to conform. I even show up at church (with my seriously fish out of water husband) when I go home which I lost faith in as an early teen because it makes them happy. I realize that this isn't the magic piece of advice that you were looking for. Chances are my mom will pass away without a clue of who I am and without seeing the really decent person I turned out to be (different than she hoped for perhaps) but I accept that too. My advice based upon experience: Visit and call often enough to keep the lines of communication open but don't push because it won't help in the least. Best of luck to you.
Author JooSee Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 I understand what you are feeling. My father died and we really didn't have it "worked out". It would have been wonderful but chances are we would have had to be different people than who we are/were to have that happen. It isn't a tragedy IMO that we weren't able to see eye to eye, it's just something that I accept and I understand that he loved me in the way that he could given the limitations of our relationship and communication level. My mom and I, (while I love her and she loves me) aren't very close nor do we talk about things I consider important, it's just surface stuff like you mentioned in your post. That's what she is comfortable with. For years I was the child/sibling that talked about the elephant in the room much to everyone's dismay and disapproval. I finally realized as an adult in order to make visits and trips home go well I had to keep a lot of things to myself and be content to talk about the corn harvest, the weather, the garden (which is somewhat interesting) and what is going on in their little town. We don't unfortunately have much in common to discuss and my/our day to day activities are foreign to them somewhat like they raised an alien child and it's best to not look too closely for fear of discovering that I am in fact from Mars and turn orange and grow tentacles after sunset. So unless asked, I just don't volunteer that much information about our life. I listen, I nod, I smile, I ask pertinent questions or make polite comments when needed. I am different (as I suspect are you from your family core values). My priorities are different. My politics are different. What I'm willing to put up with is different than the vast majority of my family. I have one sister that also began talking about the elephant as an adult (but only to me) so I know that it's not just me but I also just had to accept that meetings with my family to be pleasant had to be pretty much on their terms. Of course I don't visit often and I keep it short. I live several thousand miles away and the distance provides the buffer I need to withstand the criticism, the sting of rejection and demands to conform. I even show up at church (with my seriously fish out of water husband) when I go home which I lost faith in as an early teen because it makes them happy. I realize that this isn't the magic piece of advice that you were looking for. Chances are my mom will pass away without a clue of who I am and without seeing the really decent person I turned out to be (different than she hoped for perhaps) but I accept that too. My advice based upon experience: Visit and call often enough to keep the lines of communication open but don't push because it won't help in the least. Best of luck to you. You definately understand me VC. I just don't know if I can go on pretending to be someone i'm not around them. i want them to accept me, respect me and be my friend. Some of my friends are SOOO close to their parents and I am so envious. One friend of mine was teaching her mom how to give a BJ!!! I dont want it to go that far for myself, but I dont want to just nod, and respond only when spoken to. I'm sorry you have been unable to work it out with your family. Luckily, you have your sis to understand. i have 2 older brothers who seem perfectly content with the way things are. I doubt they even see a problem. Its just so sad. Thanks for your honest reply.
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 i want them to accept me, respect me and be my friend. Is it possible that they DO accept and respect you but just within the limits of THEIR understandings, traditions and definitions of what "respect" and "acceptance" mean? I understand that their view of you is likely incomplete and at least partially inaccurate. And I know how good it feels to be totally accepted and respected 100% for who we truly are (not for some distorted image of who others' think we are.) And maybe they are acting according to their ideas of what it means to be a "friend" to their daughter? Even if that is the case, their definition doesn't match yours, and so their actions don't fulfill your need for "parental friendship". But it might put things in a different perspective. Since you seem to have a broader emotional vocabulary and greater emotional intelligence than the rest of your family, I'd suggest that you are going to have to be the one to approach them if you want things to improve in your favour. For the introductory conversation, a loving and compassionate letter might serve better than in-person -- emotions won't get in the way to add even more confusion and misunderstanding. With love, patience and understanding, you CAN turn things around a little bit...just don't expect any fast or huge changes on their part. And there will be resistance and denial and defensiveness -- it can get quite exhausting to gain just a smidgen of what your heart needs from them. (Can you tell I've been/am going through this with my own mom? ) Best of luck.
Author JooSee Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Is it possible that they DO accept and respect you but just within the limits of THEIR understandings, traditions and definitions of what "respect" and "acceptance" mean? I understand that their view of you is likely incomplete and at least partially inaccurate. And I know how good it feels to be totally accepted and respected 100% for who we truly are (not for some distorted image of who others' think we are.) And maybe they are acting according to their ideas of what it means to be a "friend" to their daughter? Even if that is the case, their definition doesn't match yours, and so their actions don't fulfill your need for "parental friendship". But it might put things in a different perspective. Since you seem to have a broader emotional vocabulary and greater emotional intelligence than the rest of your family, I'd suggest that you are going to have to be the one to approach them if you want things to improve in your favour. For the introductory conversation, a loving and compassionate letter might serve better than in-person -- emotions won't get in the way to add even more confusion and misunderstanding. With love, patience and understanding, you CAN turn things around a little bit...just don't expect any fast or huge changes on their part. And there will be resistance and denial and defensiveness -- it can get quite exhausting to gain just a smidgen of what your heart needs from them. (Can you tell I've been/am going through this with my own mom? ) Best of luck. While I respect your post, i just dont think it is the case for me and my parents. I didn't think on going criticism was acceptance and love. I tend to think they are jealous of me more than happy for me. My mom married my dad when she was 19. They are both uneducated (with college), and are extremely closed-minded. I am 31, never been married, no kids and have traveled the world, gotten an education and am in the middle of getting my master's. When I finished undergrad, my dad said to me "What are you going to do with this degree? And this was on my graduation daY!!! Have you yourself written that letter you mention? I have thought about doing that, but i'm afraid it would seem as if it's coming out of left field for them, and I'm also afraid of hurting their feelings when I describe how I feel about them to them. It wouldnt be pretty. How can I be loving and compassionate in this letter since I need to tell them my feelings? I'm angry with them for being so critical and so uninterested in my life. Its like, whatever I do (for example, I'm going to india in Dec.) they have to ask why, and tell me all of the reasons why its a bad idea. Why can't they just be happy and supportive?
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I didn't think on going criticism was acceptance and love. No, criticism is NEVER healthy, and the person at whom it is aimed could never feel loved and accepted. (Sorry, I reread my post and can see how I didn't express everything too clearly.) In my mom's case, too, her *idea* of love and acceptance was warped and distorted...so, she could only give warped and distorted love BUT that doesn't mean that she didn't love me, only that she didn't know how to express it in ways that I would FEEL it. (I'm not sure if that makes it any clearer, though. But it's the best I can do.) I do understand that kind of jealousy that you're talking about, though -- my grandmother, I think, suffered from that. And I think it also had to do with what she saw as her own wasted life, and loss of youth and vitality. She was just an angry, mean, bitter individual. THAT is a very different picture from what I posted earlier. My grandmother did not have the capacity to just be happy for someone else, or see the value and merit of someone else's accomplishments -- not even for her own kids (my mom and aunt, in particular.) She was much nicer and kinder to her sons, and to her grandsons. But, even so, her general mindset wasn't too positive or joyful. My mom and aunt never were able to get the love, acceptance, admiration and respect from her, either. I think it was a limitation of my grandmother -- she didn't know how to give it, probably because she never got it while growing up, and she never found it within herself. My mom is now working on finding it from within herself. (She's in her 70s.) She's doing emotional healing therapy, working to greatly increase her self-acceptance and self-love. I am fortunate in that my mom and I have had the relationship where we were able to talk about these matters in person, so I haven't needed to write a letter. (Actually, we just had one of 'those' conversations a couple of hours ago.) And the fact that she is doing her own therapy is also very helpful cos she now has some idea where I'm coming from. As you say, it is impossible to be "loving and compassionate" when one is feeling so hurt, angry, betrayed and unloved --I've also experienced all those...and still do on the odd occasion. I do agree with you that it is likely to cause them some discomfort when you express your feelings. OTOH, one could also look at that as them just reaping what they sowed. There ARE consequences when we are always critical and mean-spirited...and any discomfort or hurt they feel will be a consequence of THEIR prior works. The other option, which may or may not be appealing to you, is to do some emotional healing first, release the really strong anger, learn how to express in a non-confrontational, non-blaming way, and THEN take it to them. You will still be hurting and angry, but it may make it easier FOR YOU to say to them what you need, and have the right, to say. (Yes, it is possible to make such an internal shift...I have done it myself. It's not easy, but it surely can be done .) Why can't they just be happy and supportive?(((hugs))) I'm sorry that they are unable to give that to you. You do deserve to have it from your parents...we all do. We are all born completely, totally, 100% lovable and acceptable and respectable. It is really sad when our parents can't see us for the gifts that we are, from the moment we are born.
Jilly Bean Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 JooSee - I think it's important to understand that (unfortunately) you will never get your parents to change AND you can't undo your past. What I can suggest going forward, is to accept them for who they are. I am very close with both my parents. My Mom STILL comes out with some things that are so mean and out of control, even my Dad is stunned. When she does this, I don't fight, I don't argue, I just ignore it and move on. I know in a lot of ways my life is not what my folks envisioned for me. I can't change that, and nor will I. Will that stop them for taking shots from time to time? Nope. I now just respect who they are, acknowledge they won't change their attitudes and beliefs, and I therefore omit certain facts of my life out of respect for them, and also to keep the peace. I am sure you can find plenty of neutral topics. Focus on those. Although they won't change, you can alter the dynamic by NOT reacting to their criticisms.
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Speak from your heart and write them a hand written letter. Tell them you love them and want more of a relationship, to be closer and have them more involved - See how they react and take it from there. One step at a time and do it in baby steps. Don't bring up the past quite yet, just feel out the situation first.
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