what is wrong with me

[Walk]

hmmm... I'm starting to understand where you get all that negative thinking.

 

I think your Mom was being too critical. M may have wanted to make up for how he treated you in the past, that could be correct, but I'm not sure where the harm is in that. I've had times in the past where I treated my H badly, and to make up for it I've gone out of my way to treat him nice. I don't think I'm a bad person for it... only that I recognized I screwed up, and wanted to make amends for it.

 

Anyway... I personally think M felt a bike would make your life easier at college. And it definitely will. He'd have to be pretty devious to be thinking of ways to prevent you from asking him for rides months in advance of it occuring. I think he simply saw something you would find useful, and that would make your life easier, and he got it for you.

 

Glad you had a good Birthday. Sounds like your family really loves and cares about you.

 

p.s. buy a really solid bike chain for your bike. At the campus I went to, if you left your bike unchained it was gone before you could turn your back.

[shadowplay]

I need a little support/input from you guys.

 

Ok, this has officially turned into a massive train crash, if it hadn't already.

 

My behavior is so cringe-inducing that it's embarrassing to even write out. A few days after his last response that "of course I find you attractive," I wrote something back about not understanding why then he had changed his mind about hooking up with me. He didn't respond to that, and I finally I snapped and wrote "please respond."

 

He responded that I should leave him alone and "there's this weird energy to the interaction" that he can't deal with. *Hides head in shame.* Don't ask me why I beat a dead horse and gave up all my dignity the way I did. The only thing I could imagine making this worse is sending him naked photos or something. I've never been aggressive with a guy like this in my whole life.

 

Looking back on the experience I'm still utterly confused.

 

I guess what baffles me is why he wanted to hang out with me to begin with. The odd thing is immediately, literally the second he sat down, he was unfriendly and visibly uncomfortable. This is why I thought it was something about my appearance even though he denied it. Didn't even smile at me or say hello. It's like he never wanted to be there. He contributed very little to the conversation -- I had to do most of the leg work. Why? I just don't get it. Why would he immediately be uncomfortable if he was the one who asked me to hang out?

 

If he was weirded out because I seemed interested, what did he expect when he asked me on something that seemed like a semi-date?

 

I knew I wasn't appealing to most men, but I didn't know somebody would actually recoil from me the way he did. You'd think he'd at least be a little flattered despite turning me down. But no, he was completely creeped out as if I had leprosy or something. At this point I don't even like him anymore, but just feel so sore from the rejection because of what he represents to me. I wish I could dismiss him as "just one person" but his behavior is entirely consistent with the way other guys treat me so it seems more signifcant than that. I mean he's not even a catch anymore -- he's going bald, nothing special to look at and comes off as very dorky. How could he possibly be weirded out that I liked him?

 

The whole thing makes no sense to me.

 

I feel like swearing off guys altogether at this point. That means not even interacting with them in a platonic way. One poster gave me that advice a few weeks ago, and I think I'll take it.

 

Guys are either so hostile or indifferent to me that I'm just liable to get hurt if I have any interaction whatsoever with them. It almost seems like men are preemptively rude/cold to me on the off chance I might be interested in them which would be totally repugnant. I can't even be friendly to guys now because I'm worried they'll take it the wrong way.

 

Never reaching out to a guy ever again. I am so done.

[shadowplay]

anyone? im really having a hard time with this.

[spookie]

You're a smart enough girl to be able to understand that all the "conclusions" you draw are based on fallacies. Your "logic" is so fcvked up, it only serves to reinforce your own negative perception of yourself.

 

Think about it.

 

-Mr. H. said something to you, which could have meant a hundred different things with equal probability, and you "chose to assume" the one that'd be most painful. Why?

 

-You assumed (most likely completely incorrectly) that he is repulsed because you're unattractive. Wrong, Shadow. He is RUNNING BECAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY. Get your act together, girl. (And don't be bitchin' that we're mistreating you here on LS. Personally, I don't even post here anymore, and I just want you to look at your actions and your thoughts clearly for once and instead of beating yourself up, make notes on what not to do.)

 

-Not every guy, even if he is dorky and balding, will fcvk anything that moves. Some actually require feelings before they'll hop into bed with soemone, or at least a connection. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Why do you assume that him flaking out after you offered yourself up so easily was because he was repulsed by you? It wasn't you he was repulsed by... it was your awkward invitation into bed, which made him uncomfortable.

 

-About "all guys" being indifferent or hostile toward you: are you kidding me? Your ex just got you a bike for your bday. What do you need to feel secure that guys like you? For them all to hide their boners when you're near?

[shadowplay]

You're a smart enough girl to be able to understand that all the "conclusions" you draw are based on fallacies. Your "logic" is so fcvked up, it only serves to reinforce your own negative perception of yourself.

 

Think about it.

 

-Mr. H. said something to you, which could have meant a hundred different things with equal probability, and you "chose to assume" the one that'd be most painful. Why?

 

-You assumed (most likely completely incorrectly) that he is repulsed because you're unattractive. Wrong, Shadow. He is RUNNING BECAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY. Get your act together, girl. (And don't be bitchin' that we're mistreating you here on LS. Personally, I don't even post here anymore, and I just want you to look at your actions and your thoughts clearly for once and instead of beating yourself up, make notes on what not to do.)

 

-Not every guy, even if he is dorky and balding, will fcvk anything that moves. Some actually require feelings before they'll hop into bed with soemone, or at least a connection. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Why do you assume that him flaking out after you offered yourself up so easily was because he was repulsed by you? It wasn't you he was repulsed by... it was your awkward invitation into bed, which made him uncomfortable.

 

-About "all guys" being indifferent or hostile toward you: are you kidding me? Your ex just got you a bike for your bday. What do you need to feel secure that guys like you? For them all to hide their boners when you're near?

 

Thanks for the slap in the face. I'm not being sarcastic -- I really needed that. Lol.

 

But just to clarify -- I understand why he flaked the way he did after I made my proposal. It's just the way he acted when we saw each other that disturbed me. I wasn't even flirty or anything (just friendly) but he seemed so freaked out that I might like him to the point of him being really rude. It was weird.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Shadow, Shadow, Shadow. First of all, your avatar is hilarious. Had to get that in. Second of all, has our therapist ever talked to you about internalizing/externalizing? Some people are internalizers. They take every situation and turn inward. For example, you take an important test. You don't do very well on it. When you get the results, you think, wow, this confirms it. I'm really not very smart. Now I will never get into the college/program I want. Even if I do, I will probably not succeed. What is wrong with me? People must think I am dumb, too. My life sucks. I'm going to go drink a lemonade and then crawl into bed for three days.

 

The externalizer thinks to him/herself: Wow, what a stupid test. I bet I could do better on different version of that. I'm sure I would have done better if I had gotten more sleep because boy, I was tired. And that guy next to me kept smacking his gum, which was really distracting.

 

Get it? You've given your response to Mr. Harvard. Now I will give a different one. Wow, what a tool. He showed up and could hardly carry a conversation. What was that about? Does he have no social skills? I remember him as so interesting and vibrant. I don't know what alien took over his body because that guy was really boring. Tool.

 

Now, externalizer is still on the date. Hmmm.... how can I get out of this. I

think I will make up an appointment I need to go to. Mr. Harvard, it was so good to see you again. Best of luck with your post-graduate studies. Now I must be running off, I have an important meeting with the producer of the show I'm working on. Toodles!

 

Outta there.

 

Shadow, I used to think like you when I was in my late teens-early twenties. I was about 20 pounds overweight and I thought I was a gigantic cow. I used to think the same things about guys. How unfair is that to me? And you? You have to find that little nugget deep inside you that is the real core of you. The real Shadow, the one who KNOWS you are smart, good-looking, interesting, shall I go on? Trust me, she is there. Find her and nurture her. Let her grow from a little seed into a beautiful flower. Chip away at the negativity that covers you from head to toe so you can let this flower bloom.

 

To start, you need to counteract what negative Shadow says about herself. Everytime you think, geez, I'm atrocious, counter it with geez, I'm pretty hot. The more you say it to yourself the more you will start to think it. Do it. I'm serious!

 

It takes courage to think positively about yourself. It is much easier to wallow in negativity. You need to start challenging yourself. Don't take the easy road, the one you are so comfortable and familiar with. You need to stand up for yourself. And remember, I know of which I speak.

[carhill]

No cogent opinion on the topic here, but wanted to stop by and thank Shadow for her courage in sharing the process. She gets a lot of flack on LS, perhaps some deservedly, but I admire how she continues to show all of it, the good, the bad and ugly, for everyone to see.

 

You may never realize the quiet audience your struggles might have helped.

[Jilly Bean]

Spookie's right, Shadow.

 

Your filter is really, really off.

 

In your situation, I think a lot of people would have thought, "Wow - he really weirded out since school! Whatta dud he turned into! And creepy, too! Just sat that the whole night behaving oddly! Glad to be out of there - now I can let the fantasy die."

 

But instead, you internalize it all to be a YOU thing. Like you weren't pretty enough, you weren't smart enough, you weren't ANYTHING enough to capture his attention. When you sensed his rejection, which you don't process well or normally, you then went into high pursuit mode, rather than the proper response, which is retreat mode.

 

Does this make sense?

[Walk]

No cogent opinion on the topic here, but wanted to stop by and thank Shadow for her courage in sharing the process. She gets a lot of flack on LS, perhaps some deservedly, but I admire how she continues to show all of it, the good, the bad and ugly, for everyone to see.

 

You may never realize the quiet audience your struggles might have helped.

 

Great post Carhill. One I completely agree with!

 

Shadow, reading your post really helped me the last few days. Been feeling the same way you do. It helps to hear I'm not the ONLY one who's "crazy".

 

Cherry Blossom posted really good advice.

(Think I'll use that advice too ).

[shadowplay]

Thanks for the advice and support, guys! It really means a lot to me.

 

Carhill: I'm glad to hear that my honesty is appreciated by some even it turns others away. I have a tendency to be too candid with my insecurities and feelings at times; it's almost a compulsion. It's like I think if I make people understand me by explaining what's going on in my head I can bring them around to liking me. Instead, I just end up pushing them away by doing so. Sometimes less is more. My interaction with this guy is a good example. Maybe it's because I was bottled up and withrdrawn for so many years. LS is one of the only places I feel like I can come and let it all hang out without real consequences. I just need to keep that crap out of my real life. I appreciate your warmth and good vibes.

 

Cherry and Jilly: You guys are right about me internalizing everything. I'm constantly collecting "evidence" from other people about whether or not I'm a worthy person. I set up every situation as a test, and I usually end up failing.

 

Walk: I'm glad we've found kinship in our craziness. How have you been feeling similarly?

 

....but two things I can't seem to figure out. If he thought I was somewhat interested in him when we met up why was he so freaked/creeped out by that "vibe" as he put it? I mean this isn't a normal guy reaction, is it?

 

....and why was he enthusiastic about hooking up with me at first, keep insisting he was still interested later on, and then change his mind within the space of two hours?

[spookie]

Thanks for the advice and support, guys! It really means a lot to me.

 

Carhill: I'm glad to hear that my honesty is appreciated by some even it turns others away. I have a tendency to be too candid with my insecurities and feelings at times; it's almost a compulsion. It's like I think if I make people understand me by explaining what's going on in my head I can bring them around to liking me. Instead, I just end up pushing them away by doing so. Sometimes less is more. My interaction with this guy is a good example. Maybe it's because I was bottled up and withrdrawn for so many years. LS is one of the only places I feel like I can come and let it all hang out without real consequences. I just need to keep that crap out of my real life. I appreciate your warmth and good vibes.

 

Cherry and Jilly: You guys are right about me internalizing everything. I'm constantly collecting "evidence" from other people about whether or not I'm a worthy person. I set up every situation as a test, and I usually end up failing.

 

Walk: I'm glad we've found kinship in our craziness. How have you been feeling similarly?

 

....but two things I can't seem to figure out. If he thought I was somewhat interested in him when we met up why was he so freaked/creeped out by that "vibe" as he put it? I mean this isn't a normal guy reaction, is it?

 

....and why was he enthusiastic about hooking up with me at first, keep insisting he was still interested later on, and then change his mind within the space of two hours?

 

First of all, why do you never assume that people can lie? EVERYTHING anyone you don't know that well says you should take with more than one grain of salt. A lot of people's words are meaningless; they're just filler, the real communication for most is half in the subtlety, half in the action.

 

So when he referred to a vibe, Shadow, that could have just been something he was saying. "Vibe" is such a vague word that I'm almost sure.

And if not... it could have meant a million different things. You are assuming that the vibe he is referring to was your interest... I think to everyone here it is clear as day that that's NOT IT. It's probably that you made him uncomfortable with the WAY you experessed (or didn't) your interest. This would not surprise me. You may think you acted normally to the time period he's referring to, but the way you went off the deep end on him afterward, with the awkward come-ons and the insistence he spell everything out for you, hints that you probably made him uncomfortable during drinks, too. And if you didn't... the thing about memory is, he's not going to remember that part, that you were great company during drinks. Maybe the vibe got uncomfortable after. He's still going to attribute that feeling to you, and spending time with you. Does that make sense?

 

For your second question, again, who the fcvk knows what he was thinking. His initial enthusiasm was likely fueled by how good it made him feel that someone attracted wanted him. It didn't mean he wanted to go through anything in reality... just that he wanted to keep you hooked. That's why he kept throwing bait. When he realized you were more work to keep around than he'd expected, he started flaking out, hoping you'd lose interest.

 

I want to stress that he lost interest NOT because you are unattractive, but partially because of his own issues, and partially for the way you handled the process. As Jilly says, with the rude way he acted, though to me that just means he was nervous around you, you should have written him off. But isntead of writing it off, you took the craziness five levels up. Go over your pursuit of him and tell me that's how dating's supposed to go.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

It helps to hear I'm not the ONLY one who's "crazy".

 

Cherry Blossom posted really good advice.

(Think I'll use that advice too ).

 

 

You're not crazy. Glad I could help

[shadowplay]

First of all, why do you never assume that people can lie? EVERYTHING anyone you don't know that well says you should take with more than one grain of salt. A lot of people's words are meaningless; they're just filler, the real communication for most is half in the subtlety, half in the action.

 

So when he referred to a vibe, Shadow, that could have just been something he was saying. "Vibe" is such a vague word that I'm almost sure.

And if not... it could have meant a million different things. You are assuming that the vibe he is referring to was your interest... I think to everyone here it is clear as day that that's NOT IT. It's probably that you made him uncomfortable with the WAY you experessed (or didn't) your interest. This would not surprise me. You may think you acted normally to the time period he's referring to, but the way you went off the deep end on him afterward, with the awkward come-ons and the insistence he spell everything out for you, hints that you probably made him uncomfortable during drinks, too. And if you didn't... the thing about memory is, he's not going to remember that part, that you were great company during drinks. Maybe the vibe got uncomfortable after. He's still going to attribute that feeling to you, and spending time with you. Does that make sense?

 

For your second question, again, who the fcvk knows what he was thinking. His initial enthusiasm was likely fueled by how good it made him feel that someone attracted wanted him. It didn't mean he wanted to go through anything in reality... just that he wanted to keep you hooked. That's why he kept throwing bait. When he realized you were more work to keep around than he'd expected, he started flaking out, hoping you'd lose interest.

 

I want to stress that he lost interest NOT because you are unattractive, but partially because of his own issues, and partially for the way you handled the process. As Jilly says, with the rude way he acted, though to me that just means he was nervous around you, you should have written him off. But isntead of writing it off, you took the craziness five levels up. Go over your pursuit of him and tell me that's how dating's supposed to go.

 

I know you're getting really frustrated with me, but let me just explain my logic, distorted as it may be, on a few points. I'm not saying I'm right -- just trying to voice my OCD doubts.

 

I guess I don't understand the distinction in what you've written between him being freaked out by my interest when we hung out vs. him being freaked out in the way I expressed that interest.

 

Let's assume you're right and he detected something in my manner that suggested I was attracted to him, and something about the way I was expressing that attraction weirded him out. Given that whatever I was expressing wasn't overt, since I made no flirtatious gestures, how could it have weirded him out? Unless I was like raping him with my eyes -- which I can assure you I wasn't. At worst I came off as awkward. But it's weird because I actually felt more confident and at ease than normal, because of the alcohol. I smiled and laughed more than I usually do, but not to the point of excess. He seemed like the nervous one. But I was still self-aware enough to monitor what I was saying.

 

OK a few things I did that were a bit weird. When he first got there and sat next to me at the bar I didn't make eye contact with him or really say "hi." I sort of looked at my drink and mumbled something. But after that I eased up, in part because I noticed he was nervous and that made me feel less intimidated by him. I also asked him if he wanted to walk around the square outside after we had been in the bar for an hour, which we did. Maybe he interpreted that as "date-like"? The final thing is there were a few awkward lulls in the conversation, like one in particular that was really long where we just kind of looked at each other. I wasn't trying to send him any message by making eye contact at those points, just blanking on what to say. Finally, and maybe this is what did it, when we came to a pause in the square we happened to be standing across the street from the movie theater, I looked at the marquee and told him I was pondering what movies I hadn't seen. I guess this could have been interpreted as some sort of move. I didn't mean it that way, but was more fishing for something to talk about.

 

This is an important point to me because if I was acting weird during the actual "date" or whatever it was I want to correct that behavior in the future with other people.

 

Maybe he was freaked out by the fact that I was wearing a fair amount of makeup. I mean, it wasn't caked on by any means, but I had put some effort into looking nice. I tried to go for a casual yet sexy look but prob hit the wrong balance. So then when he got there he was like "oh ****, she thinks this is a date."

 

One more thing. I'm almost positive he was going to go through with it at first. We made plans to see each other that night, and he even called me and said he would call me again after dinner with his roommate (see more about her below) so we could figure out when to meet. Then I told him I had to reschedule because I had some work to finish that night and asked whether the next day would work for him. He did the same thing to me two weeks later. Randomly messaged me in the morning and said he wanted to get together that night and said he would call me. Then two hours later he changed his mind and said he had too much work.

 

My suspicion is he wanted to and would have at first but then became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea as he thought about it more...and, more importantly, probably talked to other people about it. His roommate is this girl I knew in college who is extremely uptight and judgmental. I can easily imagine her talking him out of it. Oh well.

 

That said I know the way I acted AFTER the date was really inappropriate and unhealthy. I've never been that forward with any guy in my life. I think he just tapped into all my insecurities because I attached so much weight to his opinion of me. It really felt like a once in a life time opportunity, and when I really, really want something I tend to fight for it like nobody's business. That tenacity helps me out in creative endeavors, but is def the wrong approach when it comes to men.

 

To be honest, I'd do it all again if I could have slept with him by keeping the plans to see him that night. How sick is that? I know people are convinced I would have felt used and empty afterwards, but knowing myself I would have probably felt satisfied and elated more than anything. It's not even about him but the satisfaction of accomplishing something I never thought I ever would.

 

I know I'm going to get a lot of flak for admitting this, but that's OK because I want to debase these distorted feelings and beliefs. I'm being totally honest here.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Once in a lifetime opportunity? Is this George Clooney or something?

 

You say that if you had the chance to sleep with him, that this would be an accomplishment. In what way is this an accomplishment? Because you "won" him over? Because you used your sex appeal to "get" this guy? So you failed because you didn't get him in your bed?

 

You probably didn't do anything wrong on the date. What one guy doesn't like, the next guy does. This overanalyzing every little last detail is what makes you nervous for the next round.

[shadowplay]

Once in a lifetime opportunity? Is this George Clooney or something?

 

You say that if you had the chance to sleep with him, that this would be an accomplishment. In what way is this an accomplishment? Because you "won" him over? Because you used your sex appeal to "get" this guy? So you failed because you didn't get him in your bed?

 

You probably didn't do anything wrong on the date. What one guy doesn't like, the next guy does. This overanalyzing every little last detail is what makes you nervous for the next round.

 

Lol...he's no George Clooney. In fact I doubt most of the respondents to this thread would find him very attractive. He's not unattractive, but he's kind of average at this point and his presentation doesn't help. He was a lot cuter back when I met him.

 

I just wanted to have that experience because I was so obsessed with him in the past and felt like it would be something I'd never have. It's hard to explain. I know that line of thought is really unhealthy. Sometimes I just wish I could trade the obsessive part of my brain with a normal person's.

[carhill]

Sometimes I just wish I could trade the obsessive part of my brain with a normal person's.

 

Think of it as being your biggest liability until it becomes your biggest asset. IMO, the key to growth is making perceived weaknesses into strengths. You're young. Plenty of time

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You should become a detective who tracks down serial killers. Then that obsessive nature of yours could do you some good

[Walk]

Sexual conquests, eh?

 

Could you expound more on why you would feel this way (below)?

knowing myself I would have probably felt satisfied and elated more than anything. It's not even about him but the satisfaction of accomplishing something I never thought I ever would.

 

Is it more for the notch on the bed post, or is it something you feel would prove your desirability, or is it more simple... a desire for sexual satisfaction? (I'm curious)