what is wrong with me

[shadowplay]

I am in a miserable state right now. I'm tempted to just leave work for the day, even though it would probably look bad to my employers. I keep on fantasizing about jumping off a building. That is usually where my thoughts drift when I feel this low (which actually isn't that often), but I'm too scared of regretting it on the way down. I feel worthless. Tomorrow is my 25th birthday.

 

And it's all over something stupid -- Mr. Harvard

 

He told me in response to something I wrote to him that he had acted weird when we got together because he "wasn't sure how to deal with the vibe that was there." To me this clearly indicated that he saw the meet-up as a platonic thing and got the vibe from me that I had feelings for him and freaked out. I couldn't imagine a more painful scenario. In high school I felt so terrible about myself that I would always worry guys would think I liked them and be disgusted or disturbed. As a result, I hid myself religiously, covered up my body, never talked to anyone of the opposite gender.

 

Since those days I've come out of my shell somewhat, but the idea that it would freak a guy out that I liked him is so hurtful to me.

 

The sad thing is I didn't think I was even coming across that way. I put some makeup on but I always wear make up and I dressed pretty casually. My shirt was a tad low-cut (I swear, just a tad), but it wasn't at all slutty or out of the norm for a platonic get together. I never said or did anything overtly flirtatious. I just was friendly and tried to engage him in conversation. WTF? I also don't understand why he would be surprised that a girl he barely knows might get the wrong idea if he asks her to go out for drinks. Is my radar that off?

 

Now I'm paranoid that all these random guys think I like them and are grossed or freaked out. Maybe that's why guys are always so mean and cold to me? I don't understand because I'm shy, but maybe I inadvertently send off those vibes even to guys I don't like? Sometimes I get the feeling guys are preemptively acting rude in case I might get the wrong idea and be interested in them. Why am I so loathsome to them?

 

I feel like covering up my body again and hiding from the world. This summer I've been dressing a bit more sexy but in a really understated way and only because other people told me I dressed too conservatively and drab (which was true). I thought wearing brighter, more feminine clothes would project more confidence, but apparently it just makes me look like a slut.

 

I spoke to my friend during my lunch break and he thought I was being insane and drawing ridiculous conclusions. Nobody in real life seems to understand why I feel this way, but I really think I'm right about this.

 

I hate myself.

 

I feel so disgusting and asexual.

[Jilly Bean]

Shadow, why are you letting this guy get to you? Why are you chosing to take on HIS issues? Don't let his problems become yours...

[Nevermind]

What I see is this:

 

Harvard says a, shadowplay assumes the entire alphabet.

 

He said: he "wasn't sure how to deal with the vibe that was there."

 

Which could mean a ton of things. He could have felt rejected. He could have felt irritated. He could have picked up on your nervousity. He could have gotten mixed messages.

 

Since those days I've come out of my shell somewhat, but the idea that it would freak a guy out that I liked him is so hurtful to me.

 

I understand that it would hurt. But this is not what he said.

 

You chose to assume the worst. Without any need. You're in pain. And now, in your eyes, your entire life history has been foreshadowing this.

 

The sad thing is I didn't think I was even coming across that way.

 

That is not the sad thing, but the good thing. Because part of you still realizes that your interpretation of his words is flawed. He asked you out. You behaved normally. Whatever he meant, it is not likely that he perceived you as a needy nutcase or be "disgusted or disturbed" by you. There was just a vibe that confused him. Which, see above, could mean so many more things than what you chose to believe.

 

 

You are not disgusting. You are not asexual. You are just troubled.

 

Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself so much? Why strike out against yourself? Because this is what you do, shadow. You bully yourself.

 

Please, get somebody to spend some time with you. Somebody who is no way connected to drama or turmoil (so not your boyfriend), maybe your best friend? You spoke about him sometimes.

 

I worry about you.

[shadowplay]

Well, here's what he wrote exactly:

 

Shadow,

Thank you for your honesty, and please don't feel like an idiot. I wasn't quite sure how to deal with whatever vibe there was, that time we hung out this summer, so not a surprise it came off a bit odd. And I've not communicated exemplarily since. I've been working personally on being more intentional, having noted it as an attribute lacking in this and other recent interactions. And yes, let us definitely hang out before I leave.

 

-(His name)

 

I know he doesn't want to hang out with me, but probably feels guilt-tripped into it because I sent him this long-winded message. I don't know why I sent it. I guess it was just something I felt like I had to get off my chest, more for me than him. But now I feel worse after reading his response:

 

Hi ----,

 

I feel like an idiot. I want to apologize for being so forward, and explain the motivation behind my behavior if only to rectify the impression I've left.

 

When I first met you [in college], you really stuck out to me. Some of that was probably attributable to me being a starry-eyed freshman, but I never got the opportunity to test that impression by actually getting to know you better.

 

It was obvious from listening to you speak that you really cared about what you believed in, which contrasted with the apathy I was surrounded by on campus. At [our college] I was disillusioned by the gap between the school's intellectual image and the reality of the student body. You seemed different. I've always sought out people who are sincere and passionate because those are rare traits in our generation. For whatever reason I saw a spark in you.

 

When you graduated I regretted not having gotten to know you better because I was shy. I feel the same way now. I regret burning that bridge and the opportunity to get to know a cool person with my sexual advances.

 

I was disappointed when we met up at the bar because our conversation was rushed and you seemed uncomfortable, particularly at the end when we parted on the street. I wasn't upset at you but just confused (and honestly still am), since you asked me to hang out but then seemed uncomfortable around me. That's probably the strangest encounter I've ever had with a guy. I racked my brain for something I had said or done wrong to offend you. Then, in a moment of drunken impulsivity I sent you that message.

 

Unfortunately I've probably left the impression of a slutty girl desperate for sex, which couldn't be farther from the truth. I guess I thought it would be cool to have physical contact with somebody I admired.

 

The day after I felt trapped by what I had said because I wanted to see you again, but was hesitant to back out of what I had agreed to and come off as a tease. Plus I wasn't averse to the idea because I was attracted to you.

 

Despite the awkwardness I've created, I hope we can hang out once more before you go, as we may never see each other again. We don't have to do anything if don't want to, just exchange ideas or whatever as friends. I hope you won't write me off without getting to know me better. (I swear I'm cooler than you probably think.)

 

Sorry for the essay, but in any case I'd appreciate a response either way, even if it's just an honest explanation of your actions (I can take it) because they have left me rather confused. Believe it or not, it hurts my feelings when I put myself out there and somebody doesn't respond.

 

Best,

Shadow

[shadowplay]

Shadow, why are you letting this guy get to you? Why are you chosing to take on HIS issues? Don't let his problems become yours...

 

When I get rejected by one guy, I assume he represents the whole gender. But in this case it's particularly bad since he's a guy I really like, so I assume any guy I really like will feel the same.

[Nevermind]

Shadow,

Thank you for your honesty, and please don't feel like an idiot.

He starts nice, and shows that he does not think you are an idiot.

 

I wasn't quite sure how to deal with whatever vibe there was, that time we hung out this summer, so not a surprise it came off a bit odd.

See my comment above. With vibe he could have meant anything. You personally wrote a very long e-mail, to which he reacted. He probably didn't think much about it, afterwards. Which also doesn't discredit you as a person. It just means that you two had an average date that didn't lead to anything.

And I've not communicated exemplarily since. I've been working personally on being more intentional, having noted it as an attribute lacking in this and other recent interactions.

He even takes the blame, admits to fault.

 

And yes, let us definitely hang out before I leave.

So....please explain. How can you write an entire page of how horrible you are, and how much he rejects you, when he expressed a wish to see you again?? I don't think it would have to be a date, but seriously. Again. Why the need to hurt yourself?

[Jilly Bean]

When I get rejected by one guy, I assume he represents the whole gender. But in this case it's particularly bad since he's a guy I really like, so I assume any guy I really like will feel the same.

 

And I SO know you are too smart to actually allow this to emotionally resonate for too long... Nothing wrong with feeling that initial sting during rejection, but then you pick yourself back up and realize he does NOT represent the whole. Just one really tiny fish in the ocean.

[shadowplay]

My semi-bf, not sure what to call him, sent me a text today that warmed my heart and made me feel a little better: "Happy Birthday baby! I love you. What do you want to do tonight?" He also left me a voicemail and said he had a gift for me and wanted to take me out for dinner.

 

Honestly, I'm kind of shocked because I was sure he'd forget my birthday. It's very sweet.

[shadowplay]

And I SO know you are too smart to actually allow this to emotionally resonate for too long... Nothing wrong with feeling that initial sting during rejection, but then you pick yourself back up and realize he does NOT represent the whole. Just one really tiny fish in the ocean.

 

Thanks, Jilly. You're totally right. I tend to panic for a day or two and have a mini crisis but then feel better once it's out of my system. Still hurting a bit but I can deal.

 

Oh, forgot to add in the last post that I got another fb message today that made me feel better. It was from a guy I dated three years ago, and we had a kind of ugly breakup. We haven't talked since. He wrote that he still thinks about me and still hasn't forgiven himself for the way he treated me, and took so long to contact me again because he didn't want to ever hurt me again. He said he hopes now that we can be friends. We had this weird friendship turned FWB relationship. He wanted a relationship, I didn't. It's funny because I always thought I was the one who mistreated him. But then he sent me this really nasty email saying he never wanted to speak to me again. I begged him to talk to me, but he ignored my pleas.

[lovestruck818]

My semi-bf, not sure what to call him, sent me a text today that warmed my heart and made me feel a little better: "Happy Birthday baby! I love you. What do you want to do tonight?" He also left me a voicemail and said he had a gift for me and wanted to take me out for dinner.

 

Honestly, I'm kind of shocked because I was sure he'd forget my birthday. It's very sweet.

 

Wait...I'm a little confused...if you kind of have a boyfriend, then why are you so into this Harvard guy and why are you letting him get to you so much? With a text like that, clearly this "semi-bf" is really into you.

[Kamille]

Happy Birthday Shadow!

 

I think, like Nevermind, that the vibe Harvard guy was refering too was perhaps something else entirely: it could have been your nervousness. If I recall properly, you were really nervous about the date and even expressed a lot of insecurity on the date.

 

So his reaction has very little to do with how attractive you are and very much to do with how the interaction went between the two of you. But hey, it's life, you win some you lose some and in dating you have to know when to forfeit. You can't change his impressions of you and shouldn't even worry about spending time changing them.

 

As to men being grossed out that you find them attractive... So not part of the general male psyche. But I know what you mean and how you feel because I used to feel that way and am still confronted to it some days. The fact is though, most men are flattered when a young woman is interested in them.

 

But Harvad guy? You have nothing to prove to him. Let him make the next move, and in the meantime do things that make you feel good about yourself (yoga? a good walk? writing?).

[Shygirl15]

Well Africans in my country is uncalled for, but I don't get a choice in the matter do I? No, it wasn't called for, but she needs to hear it. She is damaged mentally and no guy in their right mind would even stand next to her for fear of sending her off on a turn. No, wonder Havard man went all weird on her, I would have left the country.

 

I tend to speak my mind all the time, and yet I don't hold grudges against anyone afterwards. I speak, I'm done, it's over. Talk about the beauty of being mature. You want to talk about Africans, go back to the thread carrying out that topic, and stop bringing up topics unrelated to this thread.

 

Shadow, I'm sorry you're stressed out with this situation. Just to let you know that it's not unnatural to feel that way, we all experience our low moments sometimes.

[shadowplay]

Wait...I'm a little confused...if you kind of have a boyfriend, then why are you so into this Harvard guy and why are you letting him get to you so much? With a text like that, clearly this "semi-bf" is really into you.

 

The kind of bf was my real bf about a month and a half ago. Then he dumped me. Now we're casually seeing each other but I've told him I don't want to be committed or in a relationship. We see each other about twice a week.

 

Harvard guy is somebody from my past who I had a huge crush on in college.

[Taramere]

Happy birthday, Shadow.

 

How did Harvard suddenly come back on the scene/into your mind?

[shadowplay]

Happy birthday, Shadow.

 

How did Harvard suddenly come back on the scene/into your mind?

 

Thanks!

 

Not sure. I guess I was just feeling lonely. Often I have trouble letting things go, especially when I'm confused by someone's behavior. I've always had difficulty dealing with ambiguity. If someone rejects me I want it to be direct and to the point. I know that's something I have to overcome because people are rarely that direct.

[Jilly Bean]

Happy Birthday, Shadow. I hope the day brings some laughter and joy! :bunny:

[shadowplay]

Happy Birthday, Shadow. I hope the day brings some laughter and joy! :bunny:

 

Thanks!

[shadowplay]

Happy Birthday Shadow!

 

I think, like Nevermind, that the vibe Harvard guy was refering too was perhaps something else entirely: it could have been your nervousness. If I recall properly, you were really nervous about the date and even expressed a lot of insecurity on the date.

 

So his reaction has very little to do with how attractive you are and very much to do with how the interaction went between the two of you. But hey, it's life, you win some you lose some and in dating you have to know when to forfeit. You can't change his impressions of you and shouldn't even worry about spending time changing them.

 

As to men being grossed out that you find them attractive... So not part of the general male psyche. But I know what you mean and how you feel because I used to feel that way and am still confronted to it some days. The fact is though, most men are flattered when a young woman is interested in them.

 

But Harvad guy? You have nothing to prove to him. Let him make the next move, and in the meantime do things that make you feel good about yourself (yoga? a good walk? writing?).

 

Thanks, Kamille. As usual, your words have lifted my spirits.

[shadowplay]

I wrote a short response to Harvard guy that was something like "Thanks for your response. I'll let you get back to me if/when you want to hang out. I'm moving to --- around the 20th so some time before then. But if you decide not to given the awkwardness, I'll totally understand."

Then I added something about how it wasn't a big deal if he didn't find me attractive, apologized for losing my head, and told him to take care.

 

He wrote "Of course I find you attractive."

 

I guess that makes me feel a little better, but it also makes me wonder what it was about me before my infamous drunken text that made him so uncomfortable when we met up. Oh well, guess I'll never know.

 

I've decided that I don't even want to see him again at this point because it would just be painfully awkward. Here's wishing for a time machine.

[xpaperxcutx]

I wrote a short response to Harvard guy that was something like "Thanks for your response. I'll let you get back to me if/when you want to hang out. I'm moving to --- around the 20th so some time before then. But if you decide not to given the awkwardness, I'll totally understand."

Then I added something about how it wasn't a big deal if he didn't find me attractive, apologized for losing my head, and told him to take care.

 

He wrote "Of course I find you attractive."

 

I guess that makes me feel a little better, but it also makes me wonder what it was about me before my infamous drunken text that made him so uncomfortable when we met up. Oh well, guess I'll never know.

 

I've decided that I don't even want to see him again at this point because it would just be painfully awkward. Here's wishing for a time machine.

 

Shadow at this point, you're trying to make Harvard validate you. I think it would be best to get some of your affairs in order before you pursue another relationship that will send you spiralling down depression lane. If time had been of any factor, it seems that right now, it's not the perfect moment to pursue anything with Harvard. You're still chained to your semi-bf who you still interact with despite having broken your heart.

 

I was one of the few that read your post about your ex and his friend, and despite how much drama that flied off those threads, you still haven't manage to detach yourself from their influences. You're young, and I can assess, attractive, but you're allowing minor factors to build up your flaws. Hopefully you can manage to find a better environment to clear your head and find the confidence you need.

 

Happy bday btw.

[shadowplay]

Shadow at this point, you're trying to make Harvard validate you. I think it would be best to get some of your affairs in order before you pursue another relationship that will send you spiralling down depression lane. If time had been of any factor, it seems that right now, it's not the perfect moment to pursue anything with Harvard. You're still chained to your semi-bf who you still interact with despite having broken your heart.

 

I was one of the few that read your post about your ex and his friend, and despite how much drama that flied off those threads, you still haven't manage to detach yourself from their influences. You're young, and I can assess, attractive, but you're allowing minor factors to build up your flaws. Hopefully you can manage to find a better environment to clear your head and find the confidence you need.

 

Happy bday btw.

 

Thank you.

[45Reverse]

Dang...for a woman who appears to have so much going for her, you sure do seem to have your share of dating struggles.

 

 

Most of them seem to be self-created too. From what I can tell from your posts and pics, you should be able to meet/date/have a great time with all sorts of guys.

 

....So where's your chill-factor Shadow? Seems like you chronically over analyze everything. Stop that. Ever heard of paralysis by analysis?

 

There's lotsa' stuff in life we can't control. No sense in letting your own emotions and thoughts be one of those things.

 

Ok, off the soap box now...Hope you have a HBD.

[Walk]

Shadow, Happy Birthday!! Mines Friday. Go Leo's. haha

 

I dont' have anything concrete to add that hasn't already been said, only that I think many of your problems stem from the fact that you don't see yourself as a beautiful, intelligent person who has a lot to offer to someone else. I think this causes you to misinterpret messages from others. Either verbal or non-verbal.

 

If you change how you percieve the world, not get locked into negative thinking, then there's a greater possibility that you'll recieve the real message that was sent. You'll be more open to hearing what was actually conveyed rather then filtering it through the negativity.

 

Point being.. try not to color what's being said to you in as negative a light. Play mind games on yourself for a while, and color everything as though you're the Bomb! That's what I do. Start talking to yourself about how great you are, and after a while you'll start believing it.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, Happy Birthday!! Mines Friday. Go Leo's. haha

 

I dont' have anything concrete to add that hasn't already been said, only that I think many of your problems stem from the fact that you don't see yourself as a beautiful, intelligent person who has a lot to offer to someone else. I think this causes you to misinterpret messages from others. Either verbal or non-verbal.

 

If you change how you percieve the world, not get locked into negative thinking, then there's a greater possibility that you'll recieve the real message that was sent. You'll be more open to hearing what was actually conveyed rather then filtering it through the negativity.

 

Point being.. try not to color what's being said to you in as negative a light. Play mind games on yourself for a while, and color everything as though you're the Bomb! That's what I do. Start talking to yourself about how great you are, and after a while you'll start believing it.

 

Happy Birthday-eve. Yay Leos!

 

You're right that I always jump to negative conclusions. I think it's to protect myself from disappointment. If I assume the worst case scenario then it's impossible to be disappointed. I need to stop thinking that way.

[shadowplay]

From now on I'm just referring to my ex/bf/whatever as M.

 

I had a nice birthday. Went out with family and M to my favorite Mexican restaurant. Had a big cake and everybody got me great gifts. M brought me roses, gifts from his parents and surprised me with an expensive new bike. I thought it was extremely sweet of him. My mother kind of ruined the moment for me because she was suspicious that he had ulterior motives. She thought he either bought the bike because he felt guilty about his prior treatment of me, or to ensure I wouldn't ask him for any rides (he has a car that he's bringing down to our university in the fall).

 

Maybe she's right but it pissed me off that she had to ruin the gift for me. Oh well.