Did I Do the Right Thing?

[A7XFan]

Hey all, I'm new here. Found this place on accident through google - thought I"d share my break up story and see what kind of feedback I could get because I'm questioning my desicion.

 

Let me set up the back ground... we'll call my ex girlfriend Jen for the sake of this.

 

Well, I live in East Texas, and one of my best friends, we'll call him Ben, invited me over to his house to meet his cousin, Jen. He had been wanting me to meet her for two years, but I never could (see, she lives in Portland, Oregon).

 

Finally, I met her, and we clicked. Right off. Now she was a little young, but I really liked her, so I could get past that (I'm 19 now, and she'll be 17 next week). By the second day, we were making out on Ben's bed. She told me I was her first kiss, and I had a serious WTF moment.

 

Well, that week was the best week of my life, and we stayed in touch and were happy for the longest time. She has always struggled with depression, and I knew this when I started dating her - well, in May, her depression got pretty bad and we were constantly arguing, so I resolved to fly up and see her becuase I had to know if we could make it work.

 

We did. I was up there for four days, and those four days were the best of my entire life. I was in heaven. Her parents let me stay in the house, so of course we had some fun (no sex though). She bawled when they left me at the airport, and I cried some on the plane, myself.

 

Well lets fastforward to about a month ago. Her depression started getting the better of her, but I couldn't go up to see her because I had just started a job, and I didn't have enough money to fly up there.

 

It started off with her just being a outright ***** to me - yelling at me and arguing with me for no reason - I finally told her that I couldn't take any more of it, and I'd break up with her if I had to because I wasn't going to allow her to take her depression out on me.

 

She listened. She went from being angry, to being sad all the time. I tried to make her get help, I tried everything I could think of. Eventually it went form sadness to apathy. She just didn't care.

 

I tried to talk to her, and she wouldn't respond. I'd get on the phone with her and she'd say maybe two words. I tried telling her that it was like talking to a wall and I didn't enjoy it, and she just didn't care - she just sighed and asked why I was bring it up.

 

Well finally after about a week of not speaking to her, I decided to talk to her again because I was worried (having not talked to her in a week). She ignored me at first. Finally, I got her attention (this is via World of Warcraft - she got me started on it haha). Well, she apologized for ignoring me, and said she didn't mean to.

 

We talked some and I told her I felt like I couldn't connect with her anymore, and it was just really awkward, but all she could say was that she couldn't magically get better.

 

I told her I know, but I want her to try at the relationship, and she said "I can't the way I am now". I responded with "Well would you like to take a break then?" and she said "I don't know."

 

She started playing the game and ignoring me again, and I got mad and told her to listen to me - then I said "I think it would be better if we broke up - or do you want to think about it?" and she said "I only see one option there."

 

And that was it. I cried all night as I deleted our pictures and text messages.

 

Her mom called me the night after and told me that Jen took the break up really hard, even though she didnt seem to be affected when I told her. Her mom said shes been listening to "end of the world" music, and she changed her Myspace to be rather bleak.

 

I'm sure she still cares about me, and I do her.

 

She made me the happiest person in the world, and I loved her (still do) with all my heart. Weve been apart for about a week now, and all I can think about is her - overall, I'm happier because shes not making me depressed, but I wonder if I made the right desicion by breaking up with her.

 

I was with another girl last night, cuddling and watching a movie, but all I could think about was Jen.

 

Also, Jen's birthday is coming up soon, and I was thinking of getting her something to show her that I still care about her, but I think I'll just get her a card and a gift card to Hot Topic.

 

My ideal situation is that Jen will come back to me, apologizing for being like that and wanting to try again, but I don't want to go back to her because I want her to relise that I was serious about not wanting to be ignored and treated like crap.

 

So... thats my story. Any comments? Tips? Advice? I'm open to anything right now.

[curiousnycgirl]

So this girl has issues with depression and you expect her to apologize to you?! Sorry but I don't think you have what it takes to make this relationship work.

 

Long distance relationships are close to impossible as it is - add the fact that she suffers from depression, and yet you still expect her to be all YOU want her to be and this is a recipe for disaster!

 

Leave her alone, let her heal herself - she deserves that.

[sultry33]

she needs to get some help.. you did the right thing imo.. you cannot have this burden as she dont want to talk to you so she needs time to heal..

 

you are both really young so you have plenty to look forward to, dont be dragged down.. if you feel like saying happy birthday then do so

 

hope it works out for you:)

[A7XFan]

So this girl has issues with depression and you expect her to apologize to you?! Sorry but I don't think you have what it takes to make this relationship work.

 

Long distance relationships are close to impossible as it is - add the fact that she suffers from depression, and yet you still expect her to be all YOU want her to be and this is a recipe for disaster!

 

Leave her alone, let her heal herself - she deserves that.

Something about your post really pisses me off, though I can't quite put my finger on it.

 

I did want to say, however, that *I* have what it takes to make it work, she does not. I did everything I could to keep it afloat, I put in my 110% and got nothing in return. Unless I misunderstand what your trying to say there, in that case feel free to enlighten me.

 

Rereading my post, I do relise that paragraph about her coming back to me did sound extremley selfish, and I didn't mean to come across as such - I just meant that I'd like it if she would want to try again, but after she got better.

[curiousnycgirl]

Yup that last paragraph is what got me - and yes you sounded selfish. I also don't think you quite understand what it takes to make a lond distance relationship work - Texas to Oregon is very far and the trip is very expensive. LDRs need some time together, otherwise they are just friendships.

 

You are young and trying to get your life started, she is even younger and overcoming a huge hurdle. Do you really think this can survive as things are at the moment?

 

In other words I think you did the right thing. I don't think LDRs can necessarily work in the best of circumstances, like when they are time limited (meaning you know when you will be together long term) and both people are willing and able to travel to see the other during the separation, and both are at the same stage in life.

 

If she's 17 is she still in High School does she plan to go to college? Doesn't appear that you are going to college (I may have read into that though) - so you are REALLY starting to get yourself established. You guys are in totally different places in your lives.

 

At best I thin kyour timing is off - move on with your life, date others, get over her. If it was meant to be, perhaps sometime in the future......

[A7XFan]

Not sure how you got the idea that I'm not in college, but your right. I'm currently taking a break from school and just working and trying to enjoy myself.

 

Sorry if my last post seemed snappy, I was having to put up with a douchebag at work, and I was on my lunch right after taking a ton of verbal abuse from him, so I was pissed when I typed that last post.

 

We had the plan that she was going to move down here after high school, and we were going to get an apartment together, and she was going to attend college down here.

 

I was thinking about sending her a message on myspace telling her I still care about her, but after reading your last post, that sounds like a bad idea - I think I oughta leave her alone not just for my sake, but for hers too.

 

I had some more I wanted to say, but I just went blank, so I'll leave it at that for now.

[Katherineos123]

I was thinking about sending her a message on myspace telling her I still care about her, but after reading your last post, that sounds like a bad idea - I think I oughta leave her alone not just for my sake, but for hers too.

 

Hi there, Just reading your post, and I agree in that I think that you should give her some time. It seems as if this girl has some major soul searching to do, and sometimes the only way to do this is by yourself.

 

However, when dealing with issues such as depression, it is important for the "patient" (for lack of a better word) feels loved and looked out for. I think you should leave her be for a couple of weeks. Then drop a line and let her know you were thinking about her. DONT talk about your relationship. This approach is a win-win-win. She has time to sort some things out, and gets the space shes asking for. You get a chance to heal a little and realize that the world doesnt stop spinning without her (even though everyone knows how much that sucks to discover) and last but not least, she gets a chance to miss you.

 

When you do talk to her keep it positive, and reassure her that if she ever needs you, youre just a phone call away. Then the ball is in her court, and its all a matter of the waiting game.

 

Like you said yourself, she is very young. Sounds to me like the idea of moving across country, away from everything she knows, her family, her friends, her safety net... into an apartment, with all the responsibilities that comes with it, with her long distance boyfriend... it all just gave her cold feet. Understandably so. Shes only JUST turning seventeen... Give her some time...

[A7XFan]

I really appricaite the advice guys.

 

I tried giving her space before, but it seemed to do nothing to her - I don't even think she missed me... maybe because she knew I was still right there. Who knows.

 

Should I go ahead and get her something for her birthday though? I know she really likes Hot Topic, so I was thinking just a birthday card and a gift card to HT.

[A7XFan]

I mean... if I got her just a card and a gift card... that wouldn't make things worse for her... or would it? I really don't want to make her hurt more then she is.

[curiousnycgirl]

I'd say a card is fine - don't sign it with the word love. Just write something like:

 

Happy birthday - thinking of you on your day. Hope you get everything you wish for yourself.

 

A7XFan.

 

I hate gift cards. I find them to be completely impersonal and the last desperate move of someone who doesn't know me but feels obligated to get me a present. I say skip that.

[D-Lish]

You mentioned that her mother contacted you to say she was a bit worried about her daughter after your break up.

 

Has her mother taken her to see a doctor?

I'm not saying she needs meds- but if she is suffering from true depression, speaking to her doctor might be a great idea.

 

It's the "apathy" you described that got me. That inability to care about things that used to make you happy.

 

If I was the mom, I'd be taking my doctor to talk to a professional.

Meds might not be appropriate at that age- but talk therapy might be.

Has she ever seen anyone professional about her depression? Dpes she take anything for it?

[A7XFan]

Well the reason I said Hot Topic gift card is because I know she loves shopping there (90% of her closet is HT clothes).

 

And on the subject of her depression - she was taking medicine for it, but shes never really opened up about it because shes not comfortable sharing her feelings with anyone but me, and I even ruined that (thats another story).

 

Her mom said that she had gotten her a therapist when I talked to her (about damn time, her mom seemed passive to the situation until I called it off), but I don't know if she'll bother to actually talk to the therapist.

 

Most of the people at work are telling me move on and forget about her, and I'm starting to think that'd be the best course of action, even though it seems like I wont ever be able to find another girl like her.

 

Thanks again for the support guys, it helps having people to talk to and get their opinion.

[A7XFan]

Well... I'm heading to work soon.

 

Laid in bed for about an hour waiting for my alarm to go off and all I could think about was Jen, and it made me think of something thats been said to me over and over...

 

"Why do you want to be with someone who treated you like crap?"

 

What they don't seem to understand is that she only "treated me like crap" during the last month - before that, things were a little rocky, yes, but I was happy.

 

I'm feeling really depressed right now. I thought the one who initiated the break up was supposed to have it easier?

 

Everything reminds me of her. Hell, the ad at the top is showing the Build-A-Bear Team USA pandas... panda was her pet name for me.

 

Here I was thinking I was getting better.

[A7XFan]

Well... seems I'm starting to talk to myself here haha.

 

Update on today - I'm at my lunch break right now... I met a girl in the training room at work today who got hired on to be a new cashier, she just started training a few days ago.

 

Shes cute, funny, and best of all - single. Shes new to the area and doesn't have any friends yet, so I told her I was her friend now and if she wanted to hang out, let me know.

 

Now I'm not good at reading people, but I think she may have been flirting with me.

 

I'm not sure if I'm ready for another relationship, but I'm definently willing to get to know her better. I'm in a much better mood now, actually.

[sultry33]

Well... seems I'm starting to talk to myself here haha.

 

Update on today - I'm at my lunch break right now... I met a girl in the training room at work today who got hired on to be a new cashier, she just started training a few days ago.

 

Shes cute, funny, and best of all - single. Shes new to the area and doesn't have any friends yet, so I told her I was her friend now and if she wanted to hang out, let me know.

 

Now I'm not good at reading people, but I think she may have been flirting with me.

 

I'm not sure if I'm ready for another relationship, but I'm definently willing to get to know her better. I'm in a much better mood now, actually.

 

 

hi, just get out an about meeting new people will help you..

 

personally i think Jen needs to help herself.. people can only do so much.. she is an adult right?

 

you seem to care about her alot which is great and like said before just send birthday card... check up on her at a later date;)

 

untill then focus on you... you only get one life.. live it..

[A7XFan]

I think I might be doing better - I actually didn't think of Jen at all today.