whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Are you sure he isn't depressed? He probably has an anxiety disorder, social anxiety most definately. Or he's agrophobic. Has he seen his family Dr or had any type of therapy for his anxiety issues? This more than likely IS the reason why he isn't working or doing much. (Google depression fallout)
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Thanks all for your opinions, good to hear every side. Just wanted to make clear that the problems in my marriage are way older than this recent infatuation for this OM. We haven't slept in the same bed for over two years. We occasionally have sex. When I say occasionally I mean seldom. pelicanpreacher you're so right in many things. About quitting I can't. My husband's income is very low, I pay the mortgage and most of the house expenses (buy the kids clothes). I earn 4 times what he gets paid and he just doesn't seem interested in getting a second job. I am going to have to trust myself and set the boundaries now. The original topic was really to try to get advice on how to keep a professional relationship with this person without necessarily having to get into an affair. Darth Vader, did not get that one on the spelling. I though I saw something about you being a Teacher, oh well, nevermind, musta been another Thread!
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I'm not having an affair. And I am not the only part who has to try to fix my marriage. Geez. No, not yet, but, you did mention about trying to avoid an affair!
Darth Vader Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Not from depression but he may face some social issues, he avoids contacting with people and socializing. He doesn't drive (although he has a driver's license) and when I want to meet up with friends he rarely wants to come along. He doesn't like to go out of the house much... I am the one on anti-anxiety pills Did he have problems studying while in college? Hmmm, Anti-social behavior? ADD or HDHD? Either one of those would exhibit such abnormalities. Even if it is a slight case.
Author Tbell Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Darth Vader, I said I was a teacher but I am not an English native speaker and I live in a non-English speaking country. Yes, I am trying to avoid an affair. Whichwayisup and Darth Vader, H has already been to the psychologist some years ago and after some sessions they said he was fine. I know he has some social disorder of the kind, perhaps he should seek help because it has always affected our relationships with other people and we don't have many common friends because of that. My worries is that he wasn't even interested in finding a job outside home, so he works from home - which is fine with me - but he only works in the mornings and could use the afternoons to work somewhere else..but that's something I have to pressure him about. I am kind of tired of pressuring him all our married life to do this and that, to go ahead and risk. I know he loves me. I look at him and some days I think I do and others it's as if I were looking at my brother. I know I have a real problem here with the OM because he is an extremely outgoing person and likes to travel and going out and socializing with people and so on. BUT we have a professional relationship, so I don't know him well in a personal way. I want to keep it that way although I am perfectly aware It's hard as heck.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Not from depression but he may face some social issues, he avoids contacting with people and socializing. He doesn't drive (although he has a driver's license) and when I want to meet up with friends he rarely wants to come along. He doesn't like to go out of the house much... I am the one on anti-anxiety pills You have only 2 good options 1.) leave him / divorce with or without this other man 2.) work it out with husband If you decide to not divorce....... Your husband has symtoms of depression and agoraphobia. Both are treatable with the proper care. It is soooo hard to look at our spouses objectively. We accept their problems as part of their personality. It's hard to see it. Don't minimize it by saying 'social issues'. If you care for him, read up on his symptoms, then find an appropriate way to discuss it and treat it if he is willling. Tell your husband about the OM. He must know. You are lying to him every day you hide your feelings. Is that what you want to be?....a liar and cheater? If you do act on your feelings, the impact will be more devastating than you can imagine....possibly including injury or death. It's not a joke. Believe me....If your husband finds out that you slept with another man, you will see a side of him you won't believe. It's instinctual, cavemen killed over this...survival of the fittest, procreation, jealosy. Don't underestimate him...his 'lazy ass' will get moving real quick. All of this does not include ther repercussions of the OM and your jobs.
Author Tbell Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 Y (-...) Believe me....If your husband finds out that you slept with another man, you will see a side of him you won't believe. It's instinctual, cavemen killed over this...survival of the fittest, procreation, jealosy. Don't underestimate him...his 'lazy ass' will get moving real quick. All of this does not include ther repercussions of the OM and your jobs. I didn't sleep with another man. I have an infatuation for another man. We haven't even have a meal out together. And I will not cheat on my husband, that is my decision and that is what will happen. Now about divorcing him or not that's another story but if it eventually happens it won't be because of a possible affair.
Owl Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 How are you going to prevent that from happening? How are you going to prevent yourself from "falling in love" with OM? (which is an emotional affair, and JUST as devestating as physical one) What steps are you going to take to ensure that you can hold to your decision? I AGREE with your choice...I just want to make sure you're thinking about the HOW to do it too. Make sense?
Author Tbell Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 How are you going to prevent that from happening? How are you going to prevent yourself from "falling in love" with OM? (which is an emotional affair, and JUST as devestating as physical one) What steps are you going to take to ensure that you can hold to your decision? I AGREE with your choice...I just want to make sure you're thinking about the HOW to do it too. Make sense? Owl, makes perfect sense and I can't guarantee that I won't fall for this OM but I just remembered that I can bring a third person into this work project, a sort of secretary, so meetings will have 3 people involved and not just the two of us.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I know you didn't sleep with the OM. You are having an EA. So are you lying by not disclosing your feelings to your husband? Tell me......do you think you are lying????? WHat about the the om's wife and family? Do you have consideration of the possibilies of the destruction of their marriage....with a child involved? Even an EA can be destructive to his marriage. He is probably lying/exaggerating his family problems to you. And ....if he isn't having problems, why is he communicating with you? You have all the answers, so I don't know what you are seeking on this post. Justification of your feelings? You are the hero and your husband is a villain. He is a bad man, and you are seeking solutions on this post. Listen to us, we know.....been there. Divorce your husband or work on your marriage. But don't be a low-life liar.
Author Tbell Posted August 8, 2008 Author Posted August 8, 2008 I know you didn't sleep with the OM. You are having an EA. So are you lying by not disclosing your feelings to your husband? Tell me......do you think you are lying????? WHat about the the om's wife and family? Do you have consideration of the possibilies of the destruction of their marriage....with a child involved? Even an EA can be destructive to his marriage. He is probably lying/exaggerating his family problems to you. And ....if he isn't having problems, why is he communicating with you? You have all the answers, so I don't know what you are seeking on this post. Justification of your feelings? You are the hero and your husband is a villain. He is a bad man, and you are seeking solutions on this post. Listen to us, we know.....been there. Divorce your husband or work on your marriage. But don't be a low-life liar. I have already got the right advice from some members and I thank THEM for those advice. Don't need you to insult me or tell me the dangers of a possible affair, I am aware of them. Your post only shows that you haven't read all my posts and read only the parts that interested you in order to criticize me. And no, I am no hero, why the sarcasm?. You're only right about ONE thing : You have all the answers, so I don't know what you are seeking on this post. I do have them, yes. Thanks to other members and my thoughts over the last days. And now that I have made my decision I see no reason for continuing this topic. Thank you sincerely to the ones who have tried to help me. I wish you all all the best.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 We are most BS's on this forum, so the advice will be harsh. What advise did you receive that you found so profound? I simply suggested that you divorce your husband or tell him about your feeling....I feel that is 'spot on', members agree????
Recommended Posts