New here and so lost...

[Tbell]

Hi everyone. I've just found about this message board and here goes my story: I've been married for more than 10 years and have two kids. My marriage is going through a terrible time and I feel so cold about my husband.

Now please don't judge me, here goes my story...

there is this co-worker I know for 2 years and he's also married with a kid. Out of the blue we are attracted to each other and he says he feels like this for months. I think that the way my marriage is should be no excuse for what I am starting to feel for this guy but the fact is that there is a feeling and it's starting to grow. It's obviously only physical attraction but I am terribly scared because if my marriage has to end I don't want it to end because of a possible affair. It's only platonic right now, a text here and then but I am already feeling guilty.

 

Some years ago I felt attracted to a co-worker and we both talked and agreed that we didn't want to risk anything and we didn't even kiss or touched each other. I know I emotionally cheated on my husband then because I thought about that other guy for a while, but that was it, our marriages were great . We were teachers and at the end of the school year we never saw each other again. Now this guy is different, we run a long-term project together and although we don't see each other every day we keep frequent contact.

 

So, there is no way we can avoid seeing each other. It's a long time project. My head is a total mess right now. I don't know if I still love my husband (this comes from before) and I am still with him basically because of the kids. He is a caring parent but he is lazy and spent years without a job, financially depending on me and without making a real effort to get a job. So I can't say I am proud of him and this is making things even worse.

Financial problems don't help either...

 

The other guy and I will be apart for almost a month but in September we have meetings and I don't know how to cope. Strategies? Once again, I understand that there are members here who have been or are being cheated on and I am sorry about that, please don't judge me, I just need some advice on how to try to deal with this. Thank you all.

[whichwayisup]

Bringing in someone else to your marriage isn't going to help. I understand that you're feeling neglected and distant towards your husband - I suggest you tell him how miserable you are and that something has to change. Why not tell him the truth? That you're attracted to someone else and that you are scared that things might change if you two don't get help, marriage counselling.

 

The OM has to not be a factor here. You may have feelings for him, but it's on the expense of your husband - It's based on selfish desires, so that's not good.

 

Use that time in Sept to focus on fixing your marriage. Having an affair will only bring alot of pain and drama into your life.

[Owl]

You don't say what's wrong in your marriage.

 

My advice for strategy?

 

First off...start addressing the problems and issues in your marriage. Get marriage counseling, take a look for some good resources...start re-investing in your marriage, rather than in OM. Take a look at a book called "His Needs/Her Needs", and specifically sit down and do the Emotional Needs Questionairre with you and your H. Start with that...read about the 15 hours/week....there are a lot of things you can do.

 

Second...tell the OM that you crossed a line...that you regret it, and that ANY and ALL communication with him going forward MUST be work based ONLY. POINT BLANK...be rude about it. Make darn sure that you are NOT ambiguous here...he's got to clearly get the "its over" message up front.

 

If you continue to harbor feelings for him much longer after you've done that, you need to seriously start looking at opportunities elsewhere...transfer to another school...something.

 

Make sense?

[brothermartin]

I knew a man with a very similar situation. He loved his wife but was attracted to this woman he worked with because his wife was refusing to have sex anymore. What he did was pretty creative. He left very subtle hints to his wife in the form of magazine articles and websites of why people cheat lying around his house. He was trying to send his wife a message without actually saying anything to her. It turned out his wife was cheating on HIM, but his idea worked.

[Tbell]

Thank you for your answers. I have been thinking about if it is worth saving my marriage for almost a year. So what is happening now is really the worst time to happen (if there is EVER a right time for being attracted to a third person ). Along these last 3 years I work surrounded by men and I have never even felt anything for any of them. Unfortunately it has happened now.

 

whichwayisup, I think using September to try to work on my marriage is a good advice. I have already talked to my husband long before this attraction started and told him things have to change. I want to give him a chance and honestly, stay with him if he proves that he deserves us to try to keep this marriage. I have to find out what kind of feelings I have for my husband so that I can move on with things. I want to see him work hard and make me proud and I have told him that.

I am not going to tell him about this OM, what for?

 

I obviously can't fight what I am feeling for the OM, but of course I am not irrational and I want to control myself.

 

Owl, it was quite difficult to get this job, I get a great salary and the unemployment rate here is really high (I am not a teacher anymore, I can't change schools, I am a Project manager).

 

Now that the OM is away I can't stop thinking about him, so I keep trying to get my mind busy all the time because shoot, I want and need to stop thinkning about him

 

Thank you all who have answered.

I have no idea if I have ever been cheated on (the only thing I ever found out about my husband was a text from a co-worker saying "I miss you, when do you get back") and he always denied he had anything with her. Other than that I can't imagine if I were cheated on so that's one of the reasons I want to try to stop this because although my husband has many flaws, I don't think he deserves this. But he sure deserves a kick in his butt for his laziness

[whichwayisup]

. I want to see him work hard and make me proud and I have told him that.

I am not going to tell him about this OM, what for?

 

Why not tell your husband about the OM? Come clean. How can you expect him to jump through hoops for you, when you aren't willing to do the same for him? You can't omit this and expect him to change his ways when you are falling for someone else, or can't stop those feelings. Your marriage won't have a chance at all until YOU let go of the OM and get him out of your life forever.

 

Tell your H the truth so HE can decide what he wants to do. Your marriage is a partnership.

[Tbell]

I can't get the OM out of my life forever because I work with him and we are doing a great job... that's why i can't tell my husband. I want to keep working on what I'm working on, I just need to not let things happen.

[Darth Vader]

I can't get the OM out of my life forever because I work with him and we are doing a great job... that's why i can't tell my husband. I want to keep working on what I'm working on, I just need to not let things happen.

 

 

What WWIS is saying is, that you must tell your husband about the OM, because, that would kill any possibility about you Riding the OM, at the same time that would give your hubby a swift kick in the butt to get up off his lazy ! No one said that you had to quit, although that might be a good thing. However, someone did mention about transfering to another location! The more you're around this man, the more you're gonna want to Ride him, that simple! The problem is, I seem to see that you're already infatuated with this OM, so you want to be around him, so the Temptation for you to Ride him becomes greater and greater, until you finally do! Then you can't take it back, ever!

 

The thing about the hubby and the text, seems strange, he might have been tempted, or even cheated. Is that all you have to go on concerning your hubby?

 

BTW, we're not being graded on our spelling, are we!?:confused:

[Rooster_DAR]

I can't get the OM out of my life forever because I work with him and we are doing a great job... that's why i can't tell my husband. I want to keep working on what I'm working on, I just need to not let things happen.

 

If you want to save a lot of pain and problems, you need to act now. The longer you wait the more slippery the slope will become. My advice would also be to do what you have to do to put separation between you and your co-worker until you iron things out at home. No excuses.

 

Remember, your husband is the guy you originally fell in love with and you married. Try reliving what it was like when you first met by working with your husband in bringing those feelings back, you both can do it and survive this temporary dilemma.

 

Good luck,

[pelicanpreacher]

You seem to have developed an "wanderlust" that has grown stronger as time goes on. I'm betting the laziness that your husband exhibited in the past has turned into full blown resentment that is coloring every facet of his being in a very unfavorable light today. I suspect that even if your husband makes all the changes you demand you will still be vulnerable to having an affair because you can't let go of the past. Though your husband is back to work you still hold his lack of effort to get a job during his unemployment over him and that may be giving you the skewed impression that he'll never measure up to your standards no matter what he does.

 

You need to lighten and work with him to accomplish those things you want done with a spirit and passion of togetherness. If all you're doing is nagging him all the time then all you'll get back in return is resentment and rebellion for no one likes to be constantly reminded that they're a failure. You also need to put the past and your growing resentment back in its cage and begin focusing on all the positive aspects of your relationship by getting into marriage counselling so that you both develop the communication skills needed to promote a healthier and more cooperative marriage.

 

As long as you keep the OM in the picture I guarantee that you'll continue rewriting your entire marriage to paint an exaggerated picture of your husband as a jerk and an oaf to rationalize your own justifications for engaging in an affair.

[Mickey Blue Eyes]

that would kill any possibility about you Riding the OM,

the more you're gonna want to Ride him,

so the Temptation for you to Ride him becomes greater

It get's old, Vader. Don't you have anything else to say?

 

To the OP:

You need to put distance between yourself and the OM. I work with my OM and the more you cross the line, it's harder to go back.

[Darth Vader]

It get's old, Vader. Don't you have anything else to say?

 

To the OP:

You need to put distance between yourself and the OM. I work with my OM and the more you cross the line, it's harder to go back.

 

 

Why change something that really works? If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

 

I have plenty of other things to say, in time they will be said, just not in a time of your choosing!

 

So.... It really bothers you that much, huh? If the shoe fits........

 

BTW, I thought you didn't even want me to say anything to you, since you think I'm sooo mean! RIIGHHT!

 

You need to put distance between yourself and the OM.

 

I think we've already covered that one nicely, thank you very much.

[Tbell]

Thanks all for your opinions, good to hear every side.

 

Just wanted to make clear that the problems in my marriage are way older than this recent infatuation for this OM. We haven't slept in the same bed for over two years. We occasionally have sex. When I say occasionally I mean seldom.

pelicanpreacher you're so right in many things.

 

About quitting I can't. My husband's income is very low, I pay the mortgage and most of the house expenses (buy the kids clothes). I earn 4 times what he gets paid and he just doesn't seem interested in getting a second job.

 

I am going to have to trust myself and set the boundaries now. The original topic was really to try to get advice on how to keep a professional relationship with this person without necessarily having to get into an affair.

 

 

 

Darth Vader, did not get that one on the spelling.

[Owl]

Trusting yourself led to where you're at now.

 

I agree with WWIU...tell your H. Get his input and help in ending the affair, fixing your marriage, and finding a way to get clear of this situation.

 

Perhaps things aren't perfect in your marriage. I can buy that...but the question remains...what are you doing to FIX that?

[Tbell]

Trusting yourself led to where you're at now.

 

I agree with WWIU...tell your H. Get his input and help in ending the affair, fixing your marriage, and finding a way to get clear of this situation.

 

Perhaps things aren't perfect in your marriage. I can buy that...but the question remains...what are you doing to FIX that?

 

I'm not having an affair. And I am not the only part who has to try to fix my marriage. Geez.

[whichwayisup]

OK, it isn't an affair, but it IS inappropriate. Platonic friendships don't cross lines.

 

If your H knew that you were 'interested and attracted to' that co-worker, how would he feel?

 

Yes, it takes two to fix a marriage, but whatever it is you're doing, wasting energy and thoughts on another man, IS going to affect your efforts in fixing your marriage, and it also IS affecting your feelings for your husband.

[whichwayisup]

I am going to have to trust myself and set the boundaries now. The original topic was really to try to get advice on how to keep a professional relationship with this person without necessarily having to get into an affair.

 

No more intimate talks, flirting, telling him your feelings, asking how he feels about you.

Don't put yourself in a situation where something could happen.

Keep conversations casual, business-like and keep your distance from him. Don't be 'friends' because there ARE feelings there.

 

Don't think about him at work, in the car, at home, at night, in the morning...DO NC (no contact) in your head. If you find yourself thinking of him, focus on your husband and marriage.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your marriage is in deeper trouble than you realize. Its my bet that the initial attraction you felt for your husband was the "bad boy" image of troubled angst that many women romanticize about when younger. The problem, as I see it, is that you have grown and matured while he hasn't. What you thought you wanted at 20 no longer satisfies anymore and has thus, created wedges of resentment within you that is driving your desire to seek your needs elsewhere. Your husband, on the other hand, was happy in his game and more than willing to allow you to carry the load because you were into him far more heavily than him into you early on in the relationship which gave him the upper hand to do as he pleased in your marriage. Today, however, is a new and different day bringing a strained reality to a relationship that is flawed at its core due to poor communication.

 

I'd be very surprised if your husband hasn't had his "dalliances" and "ego boosts" with someone else throughout the last 2 years so don't be too shocked at this revelation now that you see the importance of reconnecting and communicating again with your spouse again. Although the "Truth Will Set You Free", it ain't always pretty so expect some fallout and hard feelings when you finally decide to sit down and talk with him about the "State of the Union". Your best way going forward is to divulge your feelings about OM as well as the marriage and get him to open up about his feelings too. After that, you've got to learn to lighten up while he's got to learn to tighten up and try to work together as a unit to bring back the old passion you once felt for each other and make goals to accomplish individually to better compliment each other in your marriage.

 

You have some major challenges ahead of you so the sooner you start healing and fixing your marriage the sooner you'll get back on track. Delaying this action is only delaying the inevitable divorce and dissolutionment of a relationship that may have better odds of satisfying you than starting a new relationship with someone else because sometimes "it is better the devil you know".

[Owl]

I'm not having an affair. And I am not the only part who has to try to fix my marriage. Geez.

 

You're on the potential verge of one. If you weren't, you wouldn't be posting on this forum asking for advice.

 

And you're completely right...you're NOT the only one who has to try to fix your marriage. But you can't control your H...you CAN take actions on your side to fix it. You can control YOUR portion of it...and, you can set boundaries in what you're willing to accept from your H in your marriage as well.

 

My advice was hardly inflammatory or threatening...why so defensive?

[orangesean]

I disagree that she need to tell her husband like everyone is saying because what I'm reading is that she has these feelings bottled up inside about this guy she works with, but the guy may not even know. I think if she nips the feelings in the bud you don't really have to tell, unless like other people are saying the husband refuses to work on the marriage anymore and needs a swift kick off his lazy butt. I'm young though and inexperienced with this stuff.

 

But then again, the original poster did say she was texting the OM. It depends. What was in these texts? If any of these texts crossed the boundaries (like your husbands texts) then you need to come clean and tell him.

 

Also if you husband is hiding an affair he had, that is bad, damaging news as well that only complicates the issue.

 

Also why aren't you sleeping in the same bed? This is the worst thing for marriage. My parents haven't slept in the same bed for almost 4 years now and they may be dealing with an affair and a divorce soon. It's so important to sleep with your spouse, you wouldn't believe how much comfort, intimacy, and closeness that that simple act offers (or in my opinion at least). Does this have something to do with the affair your husband may have had?

[orangesean]

I knew a man with a very similar situation. He loved his wife but was attracted to this woman he worked with because his wife was refusing to have sex anymore. What he did was pretty creative. He left very subtle hints to his wife in the form of magazine articles and websites of why people cheat lying around his house. He was trying to send his wife a message without actually saying anything to her. It turned out his wife was cheating on HIM, but his idea worked.

 

Haha that wasn't a good story at all! Funny though, I like the twist ending.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know if I still love my husband (this comes from before) and I am still with him basically because of the kids. He is a caring parent but he is lazy and spent years without a job, financially depending on me and without making a real effort to get a job. So I can't say I am proud of him and this is making things even worse.

Financial problems don't help either....

 

So to be clear... you can't love a man who doesn't make or possess money?

 

If that is the only problem your marriage faces... you are a sad person. I love people for who they are, not what they can give me.

[Tbell]

So to be clear... you can't love a man who doesn't make or possess money?

 

If that is the only problem your marriage faces... you are a sad person. I love people for who they are, not what they can give me.

 

You have absolutely no clue what you are talking about and don't even imagine what I have been through YEARS when I watched him doing nothing at all all day long besides being on the internet, so don't start jumping on me like that and offending me like that. I have supported him in ALL ways through all these years until I've reached this stage. If it weren't for me he would never have graduated from college, I was the one who kept telling him to go study. I would have left him LONG ago if I would be expecting him to give me fancy clothes or expensive jewelry. we had two kids together and I loved him deeply for years in spite of all his flaws. It was his last year that extreme disappointment came into my head. I still have feelings for him because we have a story, but I owe you no more explanation, at least to you in particular. What a sad comment.

 

whichwayisup, yes, I am perfectly conscious it is inappropriate, I've said that in spite of all my husband's flaws he doesn't deserve that I may have an affair.

 

Your marriage is in deeper trouble than you realize. Its my bet that the initial attraction you felt for your husband was the "bad boy" image of troubled angst that many women romanticize about when younger. The problem, as I see it, is that you have grown and matured while he hasn't. What you thought you wanted at 20 no longer satisfies anymore and has thus, created wedges of resentment within you that is driving your desire to seek your needs elsewhere. Your husband, on the other hand, was happy in his game and more than willing to allow you to carry the load because you were into him far more heavily than him into you early on in the relationship which gave him the upper hand to do as he pleased in your marriage. Today, however, is a new and different day bringing a strained reality to a relationship that is flawed at its core due to poor communication.

Pelicanpreacher, you have hit the nail here, thank you.

 

Orangesean, he says he doesn't feel comfortable in our bed and prefers to sleep on the couch. I think he got used to falling asleep on the couch while watching TV.

 

Mickeyblueeyes, you said You need to put distance between yourself and the OM. I work with my OM and the more you cross the line, it's harder to go back.

 

You are right.

 

 

I have already made my decision, thank you all who have given me advice.

I really wish from the bottom of my heart that you don't have to go through what I am going through now.

[whichwayisup]

Does your husband suffer from depression?

[Tbell]

Does your husband suffer from depression?

 

Not from depression but he may face some social issues, he avoids contacting with people and socializing. He doesn't drive (although he has a driver's license) and when I want to meet up with friends he rarely wants to come along. He doesn't like to go out of the house much...

I am the one on anti-anxiety pills