wildsoul Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 When I was married, my husband and I went into couples therapy. Our therapist was good in many ways. My xH and I went together e/o week (as often as he was willing to go) so then I went alone on the other weeks. I also did some work with a female therapist. Through those professionals, I decided to end my marriage, but it did end very smoothly. We had worked through so much during the marriage, that there wasn't anything left to resolve during the separation to divorce phase. Early on, I asked my MM if he and his wife have tried therapy. He said that they went to a clergy person thru her church (very orthodox kind of religion.) He felt that since they disallow divorce in her religion that he couldn't really talk freely. I asked he tried getting her to go to a secular therapist, and he said she refuses. When I saw him this weekend, he was pleading for me to not do a hard-line NC because he needs my support. I've been thinking about how this feels weird. Tonight, he sent me a quick IM today that also mentioned it again. Hmm. It seems to me (based on my own experiences) that he has options he hasn't tried: 1. INSIST she go to therapy because he is really thinking of divorce. I know he said she didn't want to, but if she really thought he was going to leave her otherwise, of course she'd go. 2. If she refused, then that would make her a little more accountable for their troubles, which might offset some of his concerns about losing everything in the divorce. (But really, I'm sure if he insisted, she would relent and go.) 2. If she refused, he could also go ON HIS OWN. Granted, I'm more integrated into a holistic way of life. MM is more of an analytical doer-type than he is a philosophical guy. But this just seems so obvious to me. Honestly, in thinking about this right now, it seems weird that he hasn't already sought this on his own. He really should have a couple's therapist and probably his own too (just like I did.) Sooooo.....I'm thinking that I might suggest this as the healthier alternative to having me as his support system. *lightbulb goes on* Yes, yes of course this is a healthier solution. [Making sure you understand. I don't mean him and I in therapy. I mean suggest he go to therapy on his own or w/ his wife.] I do know that if he goes into real couples therapy, and if he really confesses the affair, the therapist will insist he go NC. But if I've already gone NC before he starts therapy, then he'd be able to say (honestly) that we've done that. Then perhaps the therapist can help them fix or end the marriage. Meanwhile, I know any therapist I would consider hiring would probably tell me the same. Go NC, then revisit the idea of being a couple only if he's done his work. Otherwise, he's not a good candidate for me. Feedback? Anyone ever tried convincing their MM/W to get into therapy? Has anyone ever tried it as an ultimatum of sorts?
troubadour Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 wildsoul, I would not like to sound rude but after reading your post I am getting impression that somehow... you are pissing in the wind?
Author wildsoul Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 wildsoul, I would not like to sound rude but after reading your post I am getting impression that somehow... you are pissing in the wind? Hahaha...okay, help a girl out. I don't know what "pissing in the wind" means. Like it will come back at me? It's just not a metaphor I can relate to. Would you mind explaining in plain language, please?
OWoman Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 My MM tried to get his W to go to counselling, but she also refused. In the end he and the kids went, and he also went to IC. Even without her, the counselling was very productive and enabled them to leave. W is now apparently considering IC. I do hope she goes. WS, you can't MAKE him (or them) go. But you can make it a pre-condition for resuming contact of any kind.
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 The wife's refusal to go to therapy doesn't make her more accountable for the problems in the marriage. Does his affair make him more accountable for the marital problems. NO. It makes him more accountable for the affair, nothing more.
OpenBook Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 When I saw him this weekend, he was pleading for me to not do a hard-line NC because he needs my support. I've been thinking about how this feels weird. You're darn tootin' it feels weird... because it IS weird. I don't understand why you're trying to help "fix" him (is it because you think it will convince him that you're the best thing for him and commit to you??). He's a big boy. Let him figure it out on his own. And I strongly believe that him and his W going to counseling is not your call. Their marriage is none of your business. Stay out of it! And stay away from him! He's using you to make his life bearable. You're apparently one of his only sources of comfort right now. But where does that leave YOU? He's certainly not looking out for YOU. It's all about HIM. This isn't a healthy situation for you at all. WTF ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF???!!!??
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I think he is hedging on going to counseling because he doesn't want to rock the status quo and make himself look like a lesser man in the face of his friends, peers, fellow congregation, coworkers, etc. He can hide what he feels are his moral and ethical shortcomings in an affair, and carry on in the marriage showing everyone the "good man" face. If he were to go to counseling, unload everything, come clean, and divorce he would fall from grace in a good number of people's eyes, including his own no doubt. It is all too easy to say that it is his wife's fault that they don't resolve or end things. That takes the heat off of him. I don't think he is staying married because he doesn't love you. I think he is staying married because in a number of ways it is easier for him to do so. I suspect he weighed his options and saw that he loses less by staying married.
zxcirce Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 To be honest and blunt, it's not your marriage. Thus, it's not your issue. It's not your place.
CHANTRESS Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Honestly if the MM I was seeing said this to me I would be a little peeved because he seems only concerned about his OWN needs. YOU are not there to be his free personal counselor. Ewwww. Seriously...he needs to work on the issues within his M with his W. It's noble that you want him to seek counseling...but it's NOT your place to say that. Let him figure out his OWN problems. The best thing you CAN probably do is go NC and let him decide for HIMSELF what's best.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Anyone ever tried convincing their MM/W to get into therapy? Has anyone ever tried it as an ultimatum of sorts? Hmm, why would I want to do that? I'm not a martyr. I was in my R for the 2 of us, not to teach him to be a better H to his (X)W. And I don't believe that ultimatum's work. In the long-run, they bite you in the a**.
Tomcat33 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 No but he tried to get ME to go with him while we were dating and he was dragging his feet to D. I told him where to go basically, I wasn't the one that needed therapy on how to cope with dating a "seperated man" HE needed therapy to decide what the hell he wanted to do. I was done with the idea of dating Mr Seperated, and no amount of therapy would help me get used to that. Either he D'ed or we ended our relationship, I was not about to go learn coping techniques so that he could keep dragging his feet. So it was either that or cut all ties with me to resolve his marriage and so he did just that. He went back to his W and they went to therapy so that they could later D. Better her than me I tell you, there was no way in hell I was going to therapy with him. I was the single person with 0 baggage he was the one packing for 5 Now if I ever did decide to go back with him now that he is D'ed then yes I would definitely go with him. Not back then while he was merely seperated though.
Kamikaze Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Hmm, why would I want to do that? I'm not a martyr. I was in my R for the 2 of us, not to teach him to be a better H to his (X)W. And I don't believe that ultimatum's work. In the long-run, they bite you in the a**. I agree with GEL! Most folks do not like to be given ultimatums and will turn off if pressed. Kami
jj33 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Funny enough just today someone said if he (ex MM) is in such deep denial why dont you suggest he goes into therapy. Well for one we are in NC so I am not suggesting anything at the moment, but I decided it was not my place. But its different your MM is admitting he is in deep emotional pain and needs your support. In that case as a friend I think its perfectly acceptable to suggest he sees a therapist. I had sent ex MM to for physical help very recently he had some problems said they were untreatable couldnt be fixed I disagreed and suggested that he go to an acupunturist and last I heard he was on the mend. Was furious that his W hadnt suggested this (she is into all that stuff) and had just sat by the sidelines but since we havent been together in a year I only found out by accident. So long story short if he were your friend and you thought he needed professional support you would suggest it, why not with him? It is of course more delicate for you to suggest it to him but it can be done. Or at least suggested. Its normal for someone in his position to be under a lot of stress - living a double life isnt easy...
Mino Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 in fact, I sent mine... well see the outcome.. and by the way before everyone twist this up as usual.. I did not say t was an ultimatium... I suggested that the go so they can finally talk in an enviroment with a therapist about thier M. Obviously there is no comunication. Now they have to deal with issues...The end is near one way or the other..
Lizzie60 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Anyone ever tried convincing their MM/W to get into therapy? Nope.. why would I want to do that? I am giving him all the therapy he needs.. Has anyone ever tried it as an ultimatum of sorts? Not at all.. I see their M as THEIR business.. if it's not going well.. it's not my business to force him into doing it..
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