mistresswchildren Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Here I am. I'm doing well. I graduated college WITH two kids in tow. I have been doing everything by myself, and now what happens? The xMM decides to e-mail me very seriously about CUSTODY! I know he will never even get joint custody, but I know that he cannot take care of these children. He has alcohol issues that will resume the second he is back in the states. I guess I wasn't worried all that much until right now because I knew he was gone. He has lied about everything. He has lied to his son, and now he wants some sort of CUSTODY???!!!!??? When he has made contact with me it has always been about us. He never even mentions anything about the children. He doesn't ask, and I don't tell anymore. I used to try to make sure he was updated on their lives, but after a while I realized it was just me talking. He didn't even care. So, I gave up, and he didn't even notice that I didn't talk about them any more. He is not a loving father. He has not sent one card or letter. He missed his daughters first birthday without even an attempt at a phone call. He doesn't know what the babies like or dislike. He hasn't even met his daughter (by choice because he wasn't deployed yet). Part of me simply thinks that he is trying to keep a window open. Part of me thinks that he just wants to have me on the side waiting for him, and by using the kids he is doing just that. What he doesn't realize is that he is only pushing me farther away. My children don't know him and I will be six feet under before I allow him to see my children without some sort of supervision. I have to understand that he has rights, but did he or did he not waive some of those rights the day that he abandoned my 10 month old and myself (while I was pregnant) 2 days before our son's first Christmas. Call me crazy, but you don't do that to your child. I just need someone to help me make some sense of all of this. A father has rights, yes, but those rights mean nothing if the man does not take responsibility. Am I wrong? I had to fight him for every cent of the child support. I am still fighting for medical coverage for our second child and she is nearly 13 months old. Just tell me what to do! I cannot sleep thinking that my children may end up with a man that dodges his responsibilities on a regular basis. What if he decides he is going to get wasted one night instead of changing our daughters diaper? What if he decides that he is simply not cut out for the whole father thing, but doesn't bother to tell any one and simply neglects the kids? I am honestly scared for my children here. How do I figure this all out. I cannot afford a lawyer, and the state attorneys are not all that proactive because their case loads are so large. I am trying to do what is right, and I honestly do not believe that this man is capable of taking care of my children without scarring them for life!
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I know you are hurting right now. But legally he has every right to his children without supervision even if he did miss a birth and a birthday. I think he is telling you that he is willing to pay child support providing he actually gets to see his children and know that his support is making a difference in their lives. It may also be that his W is demanding that if money is going to come out of her household, then she better be able to see what its going towards. She is a step mom now, even if you disagree. I am sorry that you are still angry and hurting. Its hard and you should be proud of your accomplishments. Try not to worry or even think about him and his custody desires until you get something from a lawyer or a court. It seems to only make you anxious and angry. Congrats on the degree. Great things ahead, yes?
SoleMate Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 It is NOT true that every parent necessarily has "every right" to his/her children. In many states, if you ignore or neglect your child for long enough, your parental rights can be unilaterally terminated. I would not worry TOO much about his supposed custody quest, since I doubt if he means it and I doubt if he would prevail even for joint custody, but I do think it would be wise to consult a lawyer about your and his rights. Good luck.
OWoman Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I cannot afford a lawyer, and the state attorneys are not all that proactive because their case loads are so large. MWC look around for women's organisations in your area. Many of them have lawyers and social workers and other such staff who provide a free, or low cost, service to women on matters like this. Alternatively, NGOs that focus on children will offer the same. The aim is not to prevent children having access to their father; the aim is to ensure that any contact is in the children's best interest.
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I hate to say it, but the news is full of men who don't lose their rights even after being criminally convicted of major crimes. That's not to say that a judge will use common sense in your case, but so many judges don't. I would seek legal counsel. Legal aid works based on your income.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Find an attorney who can take your case pro bono. I would check with a woman's organization. Start at your county office, like Department of Child Support Services or Department of Social Services. I am sure they know attorney's who would help. You just have to be persistent and ask. Those of us here are only guessing to what he could get visitation wise, but consult with an attorney in your area that way you have an idea what you're looking at. Your state laws may vary somewhat and you need to know what you're being faced with instead of all of us here making our "best guess." My bet is that he really doesn't want to have custody of the kids or he'd have made contact with them by now. DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT. Sorry you're going through this. GEL
Author mistresswchildren Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Thank you to all of you. Positive and negative comments. I'm realistic. I realize that he could in fact get some sort of visitation, but I'm also hopeful. The children are too young to go on a plane by themselves, and their father will always live in a different state due to the fact that he is in the military. He would have to come to them. With the amount of effort that would take, I find it unlikely that he would even show up. We may be headed back to court, but again he puts forth no effort whatsoever, so would he really want to spend the money to take me to court over this? I am doubtful about that. I am sure that he is simply angry because of the NC. He's mad that he can't have his cake and eat it too. He has shown no emotion towards these children. The fact that he has had ample time to try to be with them and has yet to do so shows that. I don't know. Maybe he actually does care, but his actions do not show that. Right now I am working on documenting everything. I have all of the e-mails he has ever sent me (I also have all of the e-mails I have ever sent him as well, just to keep myself in check). I have facts on my side. Since these children have been born, I have been the only person to care for them. I believe that the courts will look highly on the fact that I went back to school with two children so that I can better their lives. As long as the court realizes that I do what I need to for the benefit of my children, then what I say should have a huge impact. Honestly, I think that part of me held on as long as I did because of the children. I think I knew that at some point in time this is where we would be. I never wanted to deal with it. I think part of me chose to try because I knew that, with me in the picture, my children would never come to harm due to him. I would be there to monitor everything. I do not trust him with them. I am honestly scared for them. I wish things could be different. I wish that I could be in one of those break ups that went well. You know how it is when two people stay on really good terms due to mutual respect. That will never happen now. He has NEVER respected me, and I have lost all respect for him. I'm just upset. I am so worried, but I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have no clue as to what he is actually after. We'll see I guess. Only time will tell.
pelicanpreacher Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yeah, I think OM has been brainstorming how to break your stance on NC. Also, with your newly acquired college degree he may be looking at ways to downwardly adjust his child support requirements because of the increase in earnings you are apt to receive once you're hired in your field of study.
NoIDidn't Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 Yeah, I think OM has been brainstorming how to break your stance on NC. Also, with your newly acquired college degree he may be looking at ways to downwardly adjust his child support requirements because of the increase in earnings you are apt to receive once you're hired in your field of study. Nah, I think he is just trying to cut down on how much child support he has to pay. I am sorry if my first post came off negative. With courts now granting fathers more rights, even bad fathers, it just seems it will be more likely that he will get some level of custody/visitation foisted upon you and the kids. Mind you, it won't affect his need to pay child support, but he seems to think so if he is going this route. I still say don't worry about it though. An old friend, that I no longer speak with once told me that he never worries because if something good happens, he worried for nothing. And if something bad happens, he worried twice over the same one thing. It might not help you as much as it helped me, but I hope it offers a different perspective. You just got your degree, a whole new set of possibilities lies ahead for you now. Focus on that. That and enjoying life with your kids.
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