how do i stop getting upset with my gf?

[loveinlife]

I can't stand some of the things she does, when i confront her about it, she gets upset... anyone had a similar situation? what did you do?

 

 

things that i confront her about based on trust issue. she was drunk and slept over at a guys house with her guy cousin there ; she told me that she didn't have anything intimate with the guy she was over at the house with(trust issue). Today she called me a dum dum after i said i love you and asked how she felt.. she was still mad about the trust issue. i said please don't call me "dum dum". i think she got mad and said uhh ok sooorry. i dunno do i have any logic behind these premises?

 

the guy who she stayed with while her cousin was there likes her... if she tells me about all these things, should i trust her?

[whichwayisup]

Uhh, your gf is a dink! How long have you been with her? Sounds like she has no boundries...Doesn't matter if she slept at her cousins house, another man shouldn't have been there..That's just asking for trouble, especially since this guy likes her. Yeah you have every right to be concerned.

 

ASK HER how she would feel if you crashed at your cousin's place and there was a woman there, drunk as well, who liked you. I can guarantee you, your girlfriend would be VERY jealous and wondering what is going on.

[loveinlife]

thanks for backing me up Which. I just don't understand how i can be treated this way, definitely, where is the boundary right?

 

yeahh, just needed to vent, still bothers me, its been over a few weeks already.. she says why i don't trust her... ugh...

[Trialbyfire]

The only person who can create boundaries is you! If you create those boundaries and she's unwilling to live within them, exactly what are you willing to put up with to maintain the relationship?

[loveinlife]

Hi Trial,

 

Good to hear from you again. =)

 

I want something stable. A girl who doesnt sleep over at a guys house, someone to keep things exciting, someone who can see me atleast once a week. I guess im looking for someone i can trust. that is pretty important to me.

 

Right now, the girl and I aren't officially together... been dating for about 4months. she says she isn't ready... so these are some of the setbacks i have put myself in. She is out of a long term 7 years relationship and really enjoys her single life.. we are suppose to be dating intimately w/o dating others, our verbal contract.

 

I guess its my insecurity.. dunno how long things will last.. been in relationships one after another and nothing has worked out.

 

what do you think Trial?

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks love.

 

You're not happy with this arrangement. Your g/f gets what she wants without meeting your needs. How long are you going to put up with her behaviour?

[Walk]

I agree with TBF. You need to set boundaries.

 

I would be livid if my SO spent the night at a cousins house with a female friend who wants him. Especially if it was after only 4 months of dating... I would've dropped him right then. Might be different if it happened after a year or more of dating.. I'm not sure though.

 

The only way you're going to get what you really want from this relationship is if you start putting your foot down. I wouldn't respect you if every time I did something that upset you you just let it go so you could keep me around. I'd barrel right over you doing whatever I pleased. Then I'd mock you for being upset.

 

oops... kind of sounds like how you described your gf.

 

Don't tolerate it. No one is worth putting in numerous months of effort just to be mocked in return.

[lovestruck818]

"dum dum" lol...i feel like a 5th grader again!

[loveinlife]

Thanks love.

 

You're not happy with this arrangement. Your g/f gets what she wants without meeting your needs. How long are you going to put up with her behaviour?

 

Your right Trial, im not happy; i have been stressed out by her behavior, while neglecting my needs just to keep the relationship without conflicts. I have thought of dropping her for over a month already; I couldn' stand some of the things she does. She was suppose to go on a camping trip with some other guys, only was canceled because one of her guy friends couldn't make it.

 

I need to work on giving up on bad relationships. I've been too nice and haven't set my boundaries.

 

I agree with TBF. You need to set boundaries.

 

I would be livid if my SO spent the night at a cousins house with a female friend who wants him. Especially if it was after only 4 months of dating... I would've dropped him right then. Might be different if it happened after a year or more of dating.. I'm not sure though.

 

The only way you're going to get what you really want from this relationship is if you start putting your foot down. I wouldn't respect you if every time I did something that upset you you just let it go so you could keep me around. I'd barrel right over you doing whatever I pleased. Then I'd mock you for being upset.

 

oops... kind of sounds like how you described your gf.

 

Don't tolerate it. No one is worth putting in numerous months of effort just to be mocked in return.

 

Thats true walk. She is just doing that. I had thought she would be considerate and wanted to keep what we have; of course this is how i felt and thought of the same about her. Instead, it is turning into she gets what she wants and not getting my needs met.

 

"dum dum" lol...i feel like a 5th grader again!

 

I was pretty offended when she said that. ugh

still am.

[Keridan]

Just thought I would chime in. I don't have much new to add, except a piece of my own experience. I did a lot of dating before I settled down (not too long ago). I quickly learned that if I was in a newer situation and we already seemed to have different ideas of where we were and where we wanted to go, it was a good idea to get out then. You keep up the effort and struggle and you'll find yourself trapped in a situation that's not getting any better.

 

This girl doesn't see things the same way you do. It doesn't really matter who is right and who is wrong. You haven't been together that long or worked out exactly what "together" is yet. I would say you are better off getting away from this one while you aren't too hooked and seeing how the next one goes.

 

I wish you the best of luck either way!

[Keridan]

Grr ... double post. Ignore this one, sorry.

[loveinlife]

Just thought I would chime in. I don't have much new to add, except a piece of my own experience. I did a lot of dating before I settled down (not too long ago). I quickly learned that if I was in a newer situation and we already seemed to have different ideas of where we were and where we wanted to go, it was a good idea to get out then. You keep up the effort and struggle and you'll find yourself trapped in a situation that's not getting any better.

 

This girl doesn't see things the same way you do. It doesn't really matter who is right and who is wrong. You haven't been together that long or worked out exactly what "together" is yet. I would say you are better off getting away from this one while you aren't too hooked and seeing how the next one goes.

 

I wish you the best of luck either way!

 

I see your point Karidan. Good advice on letting go in the beginning than to see what happens.

 

It was pretty fun and exciting in the beginning when our courtship grew. I thought this relationship could go further because we had no disagreements, get along well, and we were enjoying each other's company. I was going with the moment and didn't think of the consequence or how she would end up doing these things.

 

I believe the deeper issue here is not respecting myself. If i am letting another person do that to me, I must be neglecting my own needs and allowing this to happen.

[Trialbyfire]

I believe the deeper issue here is not respecting myself. If i am letting another person do that to me, I must be neglecting my own needs and allowing this to happen.

Bang on love! How can someone respect you if you don't display self-respect? Takers will continue taking unless you draw that boundary and are willing to stick to it! Of course for every action, there are consequences. As long as you're prepared for negative consequences, you're well ahead of the game.

[loveinlife]

Bang on love! How can someone respect you if you don't display self-respect? Takers will continue taking unless you draw that boundary and are willing to stick to it! Of course for every action, there are consequences. As long as you're prepared for negative consequences, you're well ahead of the game.

 

Thanks for the feedback; its very insightful.

I definitely agree.

 

Im slowly healing, stress on top of being sick for about a week. Ever since I heard her doin this and that... with other guys. I realized yesterday that i need to take care of myself. Maybe this is a wake up call that i need to take care of myself first.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks for the feedback; its very insightful.

I definitely agree.

 

Im slowly healing, stress on top of being sick for about a week. Ever since I heard her doin this and that... with other guys. I realized yesterday that i need to take care of myself. Maybe this is a wake up call that i need to take care of myself first.

It's what Walk and others are saying to you, in different words.

 

If a relationship is solely one way, it's an emotional sinkhole, not something positive in your life.

[AriaIncognito]

My 2 cents, take it or leave it.

 

You have been dating. You're sick of dating, you're ready for the next phase of life. You don't want to start over again and deal with the idea of meeting someone new and the potential heartbreak and blah blah blah.

 

I can see it a mile away because I've been guilty of it in the past. I'd never give up on the obvious relationships that were going to fail because I somehow thought if I tried hard enough, it would all fall into place.

 

Relationships, while they are never "easy", they aren't meant to be a constant struggle. If you find yourself with these issues before you're even in a committed relationship, I'd suggest you think about why it is you really want to be with this person. It sounds to me like you like the idea of her, more than the actual her, and well, how long can you stay in a relationship of that nature?

[Angel1111]

If the two you agreed to be exclusive, why do you only see one another once a week or so? And you don't even seem to be certain about that. This isn't much of a relationship. It sounds more like you're her fallback guy when she's got nothing better to do. There's nothing wrong with her wanting her freedom but she needs to be just that - free. Involving you is like keeping one foot in 'relationship-land' and the other in the land of freedom. It doesn't work.

 

If you would prefer not to make a grand statement to her about it, instead of breaking up with her, you can just stop being so available all the time. Either that will get her attention or she won't care or notice. If it doesn't bug her, then just fade out of her life. If it does bug her and she confronts you about it, tell her that you don't like being last on her list and that this arrangement isn't working for you.

[loveinlife]

My 2 cents, take it or leave it.

 

You have been dating. You're sick of dating, you're ready for the next phase of life. You don't want to start over again and deal with the idea of meeting someone new and the potential heartbreak and blah blah blah.

 

I can see it a mile away because I've been guilty of it in the past. I'd never give up on the obvious relationships that were going to fail because I somehow thought if I tried hard enough, it would all fall into place.

 

Hi Aria, I can relate to you. Im tired of dating and just want to make this one work. Im in a phase of wanting to build a strong relationship together and see what happens. On the contrary, there is nothing to build if the materials aren't there. Therefore, she isn't much of a help to creat this long lasting relationship that i want.(self-realization)

 

Relationships, while they are never "easy", they aren't meant to be a constant struggle. If you find yourself with these issues before you're even in a committed relationship, I'd suggest you think about why it is you really want to be with this person. It sounds to me like you like the idea of her, more than the actual her, and well, how long can you stay in a relationship of that nature?

 

Yeah i like to spend evenings with her. We are very peaceful when we are together, doing simple things like watching a movie, cuddling at night together, and we don't argue at all. Thats the part i like about her, not the flirtatious one that hanging out with boys.

 

If the two you agreed to be exclusive, why do you only see one another once a week or so? And you don't even seem to be certain about that. This isn't much of a relationship. It sounds more like you're her fallback guy when she's got nothing better to do. There's nothing wrong with her wanting her freedom but she needs to be just that - free. Involving you is like keeping one foot in 'relationship-land' and the other in the land of freedom. It doesn't work.

 

Hi Angel

 

good question. Once a week from her is okay because she lives an hour away, I work 6 days a week, I have friends to hang out, and she has school on top of spending time with her girlfriends. We are both pretty busy. It is true that it isn't much of a relationship but its fine with me, although i do prefer more time. It might be that i am the fallback guy when she has nothing better to do. sigh

 

If you would prefer not to make a grand statement to her about it, instead of breaking up with her, you can just stop being so available all the time. Either that will get her attention or she won't care or notice. If it doesn't bug her, then just fade out of her life. If it does bug her and she confronts you about it, tell her that you don't like being last on her list and that this arrangement isn't working for you.

 

Thanks for the advice. That is something i would need to deal with. I have thought of breaking it up with her.. but it never follows through. When im ready to say something, we would get into a conversation and things would just go lovie dovie. Thanks for the thought into a solution for this problem. It could be a solution.

[Angel1111]

Hi Angel

 

good question. Once a week from her is okay because she lives an hour away, I work 6 days a week, I have friends to hang out, and she has school on top of spending time with her girlfriends. We are both pretty busy. It is true that it isn't much of a relationship but its fine with me, although i do prefer more time. It might be that i am the fallback guy when she has nothing better to do. sigh

 

Thanks for the advice. That is something i would need to deal with. I have thought of breaking it up with her.. but it never follows through. When im ready to say something, we would get into a conversation and things would just go lovie dovie. Thanks for the thought into a solution for this problem. It could be a solution.

 

Well, I didn't know about your work schedule or the geographical considerations. That kind of changes things, although it does seem the two of you could at least be together for the whole weekend (when you're not working), or could at least find another day of the week to see one another. If you work that much, she may be under the impression that you're a workaholic and that you prefer the amount of time the two of you spend together. I can see where there would be misunderstandings in this relationship. And if you never bring it up, she would be even more convinced that you're ok with all of this.

[loveinlife]

Well, I didn't know about your work schedule or the geographical considerations. That kind of changes things, although it does seem the two of you could at least be together for the whole weekend (when you're not working), or could at least find another day of the week to see one another. If you work that much, she may be under the impression that you're a workaholic and that you prefer the amount of time the two of you spend together. I can see where there would be misunderstandings in this relationship. And if you never bring it up, she would be even more convinced that you're ok with all of this.

 

Its okay. I didin't bring up how we work our schedule. Everything is fine with our relationship, its just the commitment part. I don't like it when she's out with other boys who like her.. negative thoughts just flashes my mind. Esp staying over at a guys house, while drunk, bothers me. This is the second time i've seen her do this, first time we haven't gone out yet, just talking; i told myself whatever when she called me from her friend's house while she was sleeping there. Second time is at Denver, she told me the next day that she left her phone at her cousin's friends house while hanging out with them, cause her guy cousin and her were too drunk to drive and stayed over night. These are concerns i have with her... sigh... crap just thinking about it, this also adds up with her wanting to go on a camping trip with her other guy friends, the one that was canceled.

 

yeah im having anxiety issues, have been taking many days off from work to deal with this problem. luckily i work for my family, so its easy to do that.

 

I see many red flags as I am writing these responses and getting my thoughts out. it just seems unstable..

[Beaches]

"I guess im looking for someone i can trust. that is pretty important to me."

 

 

Without trust their is NO relationship. That is the key to any healthy, good relationship is being honest and commited to one another. "Dum Dum" how immature! It sounds like you're looking for a serious relationship and she just wants what is convenient for her at the time.

 

If you can't trust her or have doubts why be with her?!

[imbewildered]

I can't stand some of the things she does, when i confront her about it, she gets upset... anyone had a similar situation? what did you do?

 

 

You need to set up some "rules for women" before you go out into the minefield of dating.

 

Rule #1 . At the first sign of significant disrespect you walk away.

 

NOt every woman knows or understands how to act properly in relationships. Some do, BUT still beklieve that they can do whatever they please because they are female. WRONG !

 

YOu G/f dissed you and your relationship. Her behavior is low quality. Dump her.

 

Aim higher next time.

[imbewildered]

 

yeah im having anxiety issues, have been taking many days off from work to deal with this problem. luckily i work for my family, so its easy to do that.

 

 

.

 

The point of having a woman in your life is to ENHANCE your life ,not wreck it.

So you are now a nervous mess and taking time off work ?? What are you thinking. SHe is running yoiu ragged, dude. .

YOu are dating a cheater and a nutjob, and she is toying with you and enjoying this rollercoaster that she is creating . Walk NOW.

Grab your nuts and straighten up what is left of your spine and walk away.

[loveinlife]

"I guess im looking for someone i can trust. that is pretty important to me."

 

 

Without trust their is NO relationship. That is the key to any healthy, good relationship is being honest and commited to one another. "Dum Dum" how immature! It sounds like you're looking for a serious relationship and she just wants what is convenient for her at the time.

 

If you can't trust her or have doubts why be with her?!

 

i see your point. I got really used to have her around, we talk on aim 3hours a night. I feels hard to throw something away.

 

You need to set up some "rules for women" before you go out into the minefield of dating.

 

Rule #1 . At the first sign of significant disrespect you walk away.

 

NOt every woman knows or understands how to act properly in relationships. Some do, BUT still beklieve that they can do whatever they please because they are female. WRONG !

 

YOu G/f dissed you and your relationship. Her behavior is low quality. Dump her.

 

Aim higher next time.

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I felt pretty low for the past week. thinking of when and if i should do that.. I know i can do better. stupid of me to fall for this. the reason why i went out with her was because i heard from friends that she is a nice girl... thought we were compatible.. that doesn't seem like the case.

 

The point of having a woman in your life is to ENHANCE your life ,not wreck it.

So you are now a nervous mess and taking time off work ?? What are you thinking. SHe is running yoiu ragged, dude. .

YOu are dating a cheater and a nutjob, and she is toying with you and enjoying this rollercoaster that she is creating . Walk NOW.

Grab your nuts and straighten up what is left of your spine and walk away.

 

Thanks, i will find the guts to do it when the time is right. Yeah i do want someone to enhance my life; this one has made me insecure and become emotionally weak.