wtfamidoing Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I see many posts here saying ~ with virtual certainty ~ that pretty much anyone who engages in an affair *will* get caught. Does anyone else here find that hard to believe? I'm not challenging anyone; I'm just genuinely curious.
motive2002 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Spidey sense.. tingling... keylogger installed on the computer... Spidey sense.. CONFIRMED!
Curmudgeon Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I see many posts here saying ~ with virtual certainty ~ that pretty much anyone who engages in an affair *will* get caught. Does anyone else here find that hard to believe? I'm not challenging anyone; I'm just genuinely curious. Considering that anyone involved in an affair is less than open, honest or caring and lacks character, morals and values their chances of tripping up and being caught are exceptionally high. That's a rather round-about way of saying that in the final analysis they're not too bright!
porter218 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 It all depends on who is the BS and who is the WS. Some BSs never know to look closer at what is going on and don't know how...those people stand less a chance at finding out. And some WSs are just plain old pro liers. I think the chance of them getting caught eventually is high, but not certain. Now with me...nobody can go too long before I catch them...but I am willing to go further then most to find the truth and my skeptical mind has been good at picking up the most subtle signs. Being with me is like being married to the CIA.
troubadour Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I am a painter and I have been active in artistic circels for two decades. I have seen a lot of infidelity at close range and I would say that about 50% affairs are never detected. This number is even considerable higher if we talk about short term affairs. As far as one-night-stands are concerned I would say that at least 95% of participants never get caught.
soda Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I see many posts here saying ~ with virtual certainty ~ that pretty much anyone who engages in an affair *will* get caught. Does anyone else here find that hard to believe? I'm not challenging anyone; I'm just genuinely curious. I'm not sure that a one night stand will always get caught, but an affair is another story. If the BS is tuned in, he or she will recognize changes in behavior in the spouse. The cheater will always have time that he or she can't account for with out lying. The cheater has to become a compulsive liar in order to keep the affair a secret, and it's never a matter of whether a compulsive liar will get caught...but when. Crap...read the OW/OM forum. Most of them are waiting desperately in hope that their MM/MW will divorce the spouse. That's a keg of dynamite waiting to explode. What a better way to further ones goals than to talk to the BS. Unless the BS simply doesn't want to know, he or she will eventually catch the cheater. Getting caught, rather than confessing, is always an ugly thing. No, I've never cheated. I've probably had ample opportunities, but I've always seen the notion as shortsighted, selfish, and ridiculous.
stoopid_guy Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I see many posts here saying ~ with virtual certainty ~ that pretty much anyone who engages in an affair *will* get caught. Does anyone else here find that hard to believe? I'm not challenging anyone; I'm just genuinely curious. It's going to depend on the circumstances. There are a lot of factors. The more careful the WS is, the less likely they are to be caught. The less "in tune" the BS is, the less likely he/she is to find out. I think the biggest factor though, and this hardly ever comes up here, is how contented the BS is in the marriage. If the BS is happy he/she never even has a reason to suspect. It also depends on the definition of "affair." An EA is much easier to hide than a PA. Yet another factor is the OM/OW. If they are looking for a lifetime commitment, they're going to try to get it out in the open. Many people want the world to know when they're in love. But if they are also just married and lonely, looking for some attention on the side, they will want to be as discreet as the WS. And then there's plain old luck. No clue what percentage get caught. Getting caught is certainly not a certainty though.
beachbaby Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 It am certain that the longer it last and more involved its becomes the greater the risk of being caught.
InaPanic Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 i think if someone who is having an affair is the type that can push what they did aside in their head & just go on with life then i think it stands a big chance of going unknown forever. problem is that type is also more likely to do it again. when i had my affair it was the guilt that go to me & made me eventually confess. I honestly think he didn't have a clue so had i been able to deal with it then i guess he never would have had to know.
stoopid_guy Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Yup, the longer it goes on, the more likely it'll get caught. Also agree with InaPanic, people who "compartmentalize" their lives well have a better chance of hiding an affair. This is not simple deception, this is almost like having multiple personalities. Some can do it, some cannot. Yet another factor is the vanity of the BS. If he/she considers themselves attractive and takes great pride in that, its harder for him/her to imagine their spouse cheating. ("Getting caught" or not is something I've given much thought to.)
u91746 Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I read an interesting book about this topic and it said that all affairs end eventually...either by consent or getting caught. I do think it is like criminal activity, really; stealing a chocolate bar once...well, might get caught if you're unlucky, chances are not. Do it every week from the same store? Someone's gonna notice. I have heard of people who go to great lengths and expense to conceal this activity...love, sex and affection are all up there when it comes to basic needs / primal motivators...but I do think that affairs can be concealed if the reason for the affair is a lack of attention from the BS, b/c by definition the BS is not paying attention. Sometimes that lack of attention is situational, and when the situation changes, attention is brought back and the affair discovered. I don't know though; I read here of some affairs that go on for years, and have to wonder how that is possible.
twice_shy Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I see many posts here saying ~ with virtual certainty ~ that pretty much anyone who engages in an affair *will* get caught. Does anyone else here find that hard to believe? I'm not challenging anyone; I'm just genuinely curious. So you find it hard to believe that if you have an affair on someone, and the person you are having the affair with gets pissed off that they won't tell your significant other what you are doing?
Deanster Posted August 13, 2008 Posted August 13, 2008 Everything you can imagine is out there. There's those who get 'caught' when they come home from an office party where they talked someone interesting, and their finely tuned spouse notices that they're just a bit more upbeat than usual, and wants to know which of their co-workers got them that way. There's those who come home 12 hours late with their clothes torn, stinking of cologne/perfume, with dramatic hickeys in visible places, and their spouses never notice. I imagine there's a matrix of intensity, duration and frequency that increases liklihood of being caught. A one-time thing while you're on the road with another married person who is just looking for a fling also is very unlikely to get caught. Low intensity, low duration, low frequency. Similarly, seeing that same person every six months when you're both in Chicago (or wherever) is unlikely to get noticed for many years. Thrice-weekly banging of your single co-worker who's hoping you will leave your spouse and is eager to see your marriage fall apart over the course of several months... likely to get caught. Overlay your spouse's perceptive nature, and your ability to keep things on the down-low, and you have a pretty good predictor of the liklihood of getting caught.
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