She said we can still be friends. I need

[thethinwhiteduke]

Any advice will be much appreciated... u guys on the net are always so helpful... I'll break things down properly so u are fully appraised:

so Lemme jsut break things down a little:

I was "seeing" this girl for like a good month and a half and things began to tail of a little...then one day she came round and her friend called and she said "lemme know when your going home cos I'll go with you" I was like "okay so ur going home... that's not very good for me is it?"

she replied:"I just dont wanna see n e 1 at the moment" I didn't react badly (i.e. ungraciously) at all...

Of course she gave me the whole "we can still be friends thing"... Funny how they always wanna be friends after they rip ur guts out but anyway:

i remember asking "do we really have to do this' and saying stuff like #I was looking forward to getting to know u better etc" I called her the next day to make sure I hadn't been a dick about it and said 'yeah we're still friends and all that' Then she sent me a text:"[myname] you are actually the safest person ever... thanks for calling. see you soon . xxx"I rep[lied: "yeah defs for the best... you are going away in Sep n e way and i think we want different things... keep well" She asked me for a coffee not long afterwards and I was very very cordial but politely declined and made up a decent excuse. she sent me a text after that saying she'd seen sum pics of me on facebook and said i looked 'very handsome.' again i brushed it off really and just replied sweet ... yeh that was a good night etc.'"

since then i've seen her out at a club and been friendly but did not given her n e attention really. I called her after about a week of no contact and just asked her what was happening told her how i was fairing etc.[then i text her saying: "i meant to say I miss you.. n e way c u round i guess" She text back saying... "yeah we shud definitely meet up I really enjoy spending time with you and it was wicked while it lasted! c u soon x"

 

I just text back..."safe" which in england means 'yes thats very agreeable'. since then she called me about whether or not i was going to a rave... and she said she'd call me if she went.. she called me again later to find out if i cud get her n e drugs. i couldn't at that time so i was just like okay 'c u later or whatever' you know ... all cordial. i did end up goingbut i didn't c her there and she didn't call so i guess she didn't go.since then we haven't spoken at all and basically its been almost a month since i've seen her face to face. i really do like her but i've been trying to play it cool... what shud i do next... thanks for n e advice; it will be greatly appreciated. sorry for being so long winded but i thought a full appraisal is always best...look forward to hearing from u.

oh ps... she clearly has commitment issues:just got out of a long relationship where the guy took the breakup real badly... was a total doucebag etc.

later.

[xpaperxcutx]

My advice is that you move on. When she told you she didn't want a relationship, you took it very well and backed off. There were hardly any contact between the tow of you and what little you guys were friendly exchanges.

 

There is nothing you can do. You played cool, which came off as not interested. Thus resulting in this awkwardness. Don't chase anymore. She's over it.

[thethinwhiteduke]

I was a really disheartened by the above. Do you definitely think there's nothing I can do to salvage a relationship with this girl. Are you talking as a guy or a girl here if you don't mind revealing that sort of thing. I wasn't planning on chasing properly like asking for dates and declaring my undying love outside her window with a guitar or anything like that. Look forward to your reply. Cheers

[thethinwhiteduke]

One more thing: at what stage of the communication do you think she became, as you put it, "over it"?

[xpaperxcutx]

I was a really disheartened by the above. Do you definitely think there's nothing I can do to salvage a relationship with this girl. Are you talking as a guy or a girl here if you don't mind revealing that sort of thing. I wasn't planning on chasing properly like asking for dates and declaring my undying love outside her window with a guitar or anything like that. Look forward to your reply. Cheers

 

Well don't be disheartened. At least it's not a long term heartache. Speaking from a girl's point of view, she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, she wants you to be the friend she can call when she needs an ego boost or when she needs someone to talk to to reassure her that she's a beautiful girl. She knows that you're attracted to her, but she doesn't see you as the guy that she wants to settle for. You're the backup.

[xpaperxcutx]

One more thing: at what stage of the communication do you think she became, as you put it, "over it"?

 

when you wrote she hasnt contacted you in a month.

[thethinwhiteduke]

okay... well how can i stop being the backup...??? i've been checking out some of your other posts by the way... especially the "lets just be friends" stuff.

I think you may be underestimating how afraid of n e relationship she is... She couldn't even break up with her last boyfriend face to face when she wanted to... had to do it on facebook cos he was so mental. I remember as well, she got really really upset once after sex when I had laughed cos she was hurting my chest so much clawing at it. and she said "I hate getting to really like people ... I don't know if you like me" obviously I consoled her and told her I did etc. Also mY friend spoke to her the night I didn't give her that much attention and she said that she did want a relationship with me she was just really scared by emotional turmoil and being in that position again where things have a great emotional significance. I remember on that night her friend was really nice to me and insisted I took her number... I dunno what that means with regards me and my girl. Obviously 'I'm not interested in her friend and it wasn't n e thing romantic or n e thing like that.

what should I do if she calls do u reckon??? if she wants to meet that kinda thing?

 

Look forward to your reply percut...

[thethinwhiteduke]

When I wrote : "havn't seen her in a month"... I meant face to face... I talked to her over the last weekend... she called me asking about whether I was going to a rave...

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Well you are a duke, so you shouldn't have any problems finding a new gal.

[thethinwhiteduke]

Yeah the above isn't really what I'm after. that's just a name... David Bowie is the thin white duke.. i like bowie u c. Thing is don't really want another girl... i'm not hopeless with women... but this girl is very very special for me.. one f the only girls i've been with that approached n e thing like love. look forward to ur reply and hopefully this time advice.

[thethinwhiteduke]

Yeah... I could really do with other peoples advice and opinions and even explanations of what they think is going on in her mind and how to 'win her back'. I have to confess... I am over this relationship.. I'm not torn up about it ... I just think this girl is worth me fighting for if I have a a decent strategy you know. any one's advice more than welcome. Thanks guys...

[xpaperxcutx]

okay... well how can i stop being the backup...??? i've been checking out some of your other posts by the way... especially the "lets just be friends" stuff.

I think you may be underestimating how afraid of n e relationship she is... She couldn't even break up with her last boyfriend face to face when she wanted to... had to do it on facebook cos he was so mental. I remember as well, she got really really upset once after sex when I had laughed cos she was hurting my chest so much clawing at it. and she said "I hate getting to really like people ... I don't know if you like me" obviously I consoled her and told her I did etc. Also mY friend spoke to her the night I didn't give her that much attention and she said that she did want a relationship with me she was just really scared by emotional turmoil and being in that position again where things have a great emotional significance. I remember on that night her friend was really nice to me and insisted I took her number... I dunno what that means with regards me and my girl. Obviously 'I'm not interested in her friend and it wasn't n e thing romantic or n e thing like that.

what should I do if she calls do u reckon??? if she wants to meet that kinda thing?

 

Look forward to your reply percut...

Okay here's a direct breakdown. Based from what you've written I've assessed that the girl is emotionally traumitized. She's one of those people that can fall too quickly for another person, and become very emotionally attached, but she's also very headstrong. Especially the last relationship with her ex, once she made up her mind to break up with him, she set out to do it, despite how hard it was because she was afraid of hurting him. So she broke with her ex over facebook, and I might assume, that she avoided him completely afterwards. Her attitude towards love and relationship is very complex, if she likes a person, she would be very straightforward and lovey dovey, but when the person reciprocates, she halts. Because the pleasure was in the chase but starting a relationship would be more problems and heartbreaks. She's afraid of stepping in the box again, where she'll be ruled by her emotions rather than by logic, and she sees that as losing control.

 

Basically what I'm trying to tell is, she could be easily persuaded if you pursue her hard enough. That means weeks and weeks of showing her of convincing her that you care for her and won't hurt her. Even if she does say yes, weeks into the relationship, problems will arise when she starts questioning whether being had been the right decision. Then it becomes an inner turmoil where she starts picking at things that are wrong with either her or you... and the next thing you know, you're hearing her say "____ it's not you, it's me. I really really like you, but I want a break."

 

Then she leaves you to wallow in your pain, and you'll be back here on LS except in the breakup forum anguishing about how she had broken up with you.

 

Think about it.

[thethinwhiteduke]

Yeah... nice one paper.... some of those words you put down above, namely "headstrong", really seemed to hit the nail on the head. I'm kinda inclined to agree with most of what you said actually. Maybe the relationship cannot be salvaged because of the way she is right now emotionally.

I have her friends phone no... and I get on with her alright.. she seemed to really like me with this girl. I'll call her friend and see what she thinks .

[A.G.Doren]

I really like papercuts summary. I think papercut is right, and that rather than coaxing her into a relationship at this time you should consider casual contact checking in from time to time (b-days, holidays, major sports events or any kind of serious weather catastrophe) basically staying friendly(not overly so) and giving her some time to heal. Then try again if you're still interested i also would put myself on the shelf.

 

I'm in a similar let situation myself keep us posted.

[thethinwhiteduke]

I Then try again if you're still interested i also would put myself on the shelf.

 

Not sure what you mean by "put myself on the shelf".. also not sure what you mean by "giving her time to heal". But yeah.. paper cut got there in the end after some stuff that really disheartened me. Thing is anyway... this girl is going away in September for like a month. I deleted her phone no. from my mobile so that I could no longer call her even if I wanted to. so if I want to keep things friendly I gotta wait for her to call. Although, as I said above , I have her best friends no. Not sure whether or not just to let it all go... I no longer feel an ounce of pain or anything... I just keep thinking that the girl is worth fighting for if I knew the best way to do so - I could wait for her while she's away... she's worth it. That's kinda what I'm hoping someone will answer here: what's the best strategy to start something that can be taken up when she getrs back I suppose. (and thanks if you do so whoever you may be)We were really really close up until 3 weeks ago - eating together etc.

 

Anyway... Nice one guys... In a bit xx

[xpaperxcutx]

Not sure what you mean by "put myself on the shelf".. also not sure what you mean by "giving her time to heal". But yeah.. paper cut got there in the end after some stuff that really disheartened me. Thing is anyway... this girl is going away in September for like a month. I deleted her phone no. from my mobile so that I could no longer call her even if I wanted to. so if I want to keep things friendly I gotta wait for her to call. Although, as I said above , I have her best friends no. Not sure whether or not just to let it all go... I no longer feel an ounce of pain or anything... I just keep thinking that the girl is worth fighting for if I knew the best way to do so - I could wait for her while she's away... she's worth it. That's kinda what I'm hoping someone will answer here: what's the best strategy to start something that can be taken up when she getrs back I suppose. (and thanks if you do so whoever you may be)We were really really close up until 3 weeks ago - eating together etc.

 

Anyway... Nice one guys... In a bit xx

 

AG meant if you really want to be with her, you have to put yourself out there to get hurt, because she just might say no. Letting her heal means giving her space to figure out what she wants before jumping into a relationship whole heartedly.

 

I wasn't trying to discourage you or anything but there aren't alot of factors in your favor right now. You hardly ever talk to her and her friend's the only one you talk to, when maybe the friend doesn't even know everything about her. If you want to pursue her when she comes back from her trip, why can't you just make your feelings known now? Harboring feelings for her and not doing anything about it, is just pathetic and miserable on your part. If you truly want to know whether she likes you or not, then you would ask her, and tell her you really like her. If you let her go chances are there will no other chances.

[thethinwhiteduke]

So your advice would be then: Follow your heart and forget about bull **** games... you should be honest about how you feel... something to that accord?

Well... I have to say I do kinda agree... I don't think she is ready for a relationship with me at all though so do that would be to like make me into that contingency guy... the so called "backup". I may well call her friend ask her what she thinks and get her no.off the the friend if what the friend says sounds favorable.

If I do speak to her honestly I will probably say something like: "I understand how you feel about getting seriously involved with anyone (probably refer back to some of the stuff papercut mentioned actually lol) and I'm not torn up about things in fact I feel fine. However... you are the only girl I've ever been with that I didn't want to break up with... I think your worth me putting myself in a vulnerable position for... I'm not gonna wait for you to change your mind but I know I'd regret it if I never told you how I feel about you right now whatever happens." What do people think? I'm well interested to know. Special thanks to papercut's contributions which have given me alot of food for thought.

 

Cheers guys...

follow your heart x

[The Collector]

She lost interest, probably because you weren't a challenge any more, failed her tests by agreeing with whatever she said, or just being a bit dull long term and she thought she could do better.

 

Your best bet to get her back is to not contact her for a while, and get some other girl. If she has any residual attraction for her, jealousy may make her try to get back with you.

 

 

But probably best to move on, once in your in the friend-zone it's virtualli impossible to get out. Avoid it in future by being reading up on 'sh*t-tests' and how to pass them.

[thethinwhiteduke]

She lost interest, probably because you weren't a challenge any more, failed her tests by agreeing with whatever she said, or just being a bit dull long term and she thought she could do better.

 

Your best bet to get her back is to not contact her for a while, and get some other girl. If she has any residual attraction for her, jealousy may make her try to get back with you.

 

 

But probably best to move on, once in your in the friend-zone it's virtualli impossible to get out. Avoid it in future by being reading up on 'sh*t-tests' and how to pass them.

 

The above is really really misguided... she was still really interested in spending time with me and was calling me less than 2 days after the split.. I actually turned down her requests to meet on thsoe occasions. If you'd read my breakdown properly then you'd know this. If I were you I'd re-read mine and papercuts appraisal. It was the fact hat we were getting serious that scared her... not so much that she didn't want to get serious with me. If people are gonna comment can they take the ime to read what I have myself written about the details of the situation. Otherwise don't bother chiming in with simple pick up artist stuff that isn't about sound relationship building but flicking short term attraction switches with jealousy and so on. Thanks again to papercut...

[The Collector]

She's traumatized by a relationship with a real douchebag. Sure, that's not standard rejection excuse number two after 'it's not you it's me.'

 

She wants to hang out as friends. Is that what you want? You/she says she's scared of getting serious... with anyone. Again, I've used this line it just means 'I've rejected you, sorry.'

 

Look, maybe you're acting cool and rejecting contact has already made her reconsider. Maybe she's up for sex without strings, and maybe that would suit you. But you say she's the kind of girl worth waiting for, but she apparently doesn't feel the same way. Whether her reasons are relationship-phobia or wants to play the field, you had your chance with her and she ended it to 'just be friends.'

 

You feel that if only you could prove to her how trustworthy you are, you could save her from her emotional issues and you'd both be happy in love. Right? Bet it doesn't happen. Bet you'll try anyway, like you are ignoring all the advice to move on and grasping the two lines out of context from papercutz post about 'laying it all on the line' or 'follow your heart.'

 

You can call it a small time pick-up artist trick, but the fact is that women respond well to competition. You stand a much better chance of reigniting her sexual interest if she knows other women are interested.

 

But you do it your way, write her a long email about how special she is, maybe include a poem, and see how much more than a 'that's sweet. You're a really great guy, but...' you get.

 

Keep us posted.

[thethinwhiteduke]

She's traumatized by a relationship with a real douchebag. Sure, that's not standard rejection excuse number two after 'it's not you it's me.'

 

She wants to hang out as friends. Is that what you want? You/she says she's scared of getting serious... with anyone. Again, I've used this line it just means 'I've rejected you, sorry.'

 

Look, maybe you're acting cool and rejecting contact has already made her reconsider. Maybe she's up for sex without strings, and maybe that would suit you. But you say she's the kind of girl worth waiting for, but she apparently doesn't feel the same way. Whether her reasons are relationship-phobia or wants to play the field, you had your chance with her and she ended it to 'just be friends.'

 

You feel that if only you could prove to her how trustworthy you are, you could save her from her emotional issues and you'd both be happy in love. Right? Bet it doesn't happen. Bet you'll try anyway, like you are ignoring all the advice to move on and grasping the two lines out of context from papercutz post about 'laying it all on the line' or 'follow your heart.'

 

You can call it a small time pick-up artist trick, but the fact is that women respond well to competition. You stand a much better chance of reigniting her sexual interest if she knows other women are interested.

 

But you do it your way, write her a long email about how special she is, maybe include a poem, and see how much more than a 'that's sweet. You're a really great guy, but...' you get.

 

Keep us posted.

 

Hmmm... maybe you are right... I don't really feel like I havn't moved on at all... I'm not fussed either way... I could hapilly never call her again.. like I say.. if I had what i thought was a decent enough stategey i mite implement it. Futher you may be right bin sayings its just a classic "I don't want to be with you" in different words.Sometimes I have felt that I am maybe being optimistic. The thing that made me sawy so muchg that way is what she said to my best friend when we were out at a club and I wasn't really giving her any attention.. she said I well want a relationship with him I just dont feel ready for any kind of commitment at the moment" or something to that effect. But still.. that may be bull****... like you say.. she may be more interested in playing the field.. keeping her options open because.. essentially.. I am not .. in her eye's .. good enough. Maybe this is true.. if so ... how do u think such a situation arise and is the only way to rectify it by such seemingly underhand rather than honest methods?

 

Anyway... thanks for the remarks .. I will defs keep stuff "posted".... what a little soap opera .. lol...

 

One final thing... Dunno if you've read the rave stuff... I actually got a blowjob on the beach from an Italian girl that nite... should I tell her that... it sounds like bragging but it would let her know other womn are interested..Oh and a final question... so she says "we can still be friends" (We all know its classic rejection to some degree) but is it weird do you think that she called to meet as friends really soon afterwards and was it a good idea to say no I'm busy give it a decent excuse etc. How could I get out of a friend zone if there is one here.. just by avoiding seeing her as friends at all cost or just like breaking in the middle of a meeting before she moves to go...???

 

 

Jeesus so many questions... sorry... but am enjoying people's opinions.. please keep them rolling... Nice one guys XXX

[The Collector]

Whereabouts in SE England are you btw? I'm originally from Maidstone Iin London now)

 

Hmm, it would be good if she knew about the ravey bj... but I can't see how you can let her know withoutit looking like a jealousy tactic. But if it comes up comes up, slip it in (fnarr).

 

IMO her calling after two days IS a good sign. But there's always the danger she wants to keep you hanging on as a back-up or for validation. If she's at all interested in reconsidering, she'll test you for neediness and the more distant and 'moved on' the better you score. I'd give her the line 'sure, maybe we're better off as friends, if you can't handle committment you're probably not right for me, let's hang out sometime, though I'm pretty busy this week ('with who?' she'll wonder?)

 

Is F-Buddy status no good too you? If that's what she wants, it might be better than nothing.

[thethinwhiteduke]

Whereabouts in SE England are you btw? I'm originally from Maidstone Iin London now)

 

Hmm, it would be good if she knew about the ravey bj... but I can't see how you can let her know withoutit looking like a jealousy tactic. But if it comes up comes up, slip it in (fnarr).

 

IMO her calling after two days IS a good sign. But there's always the danger she wants to keep you hanging on as a back-up or for validation. If she's at all interested in reconsidering, she'll test you for neediness and the more distant and 'moved on' the better you score. I'd give her the line 'sure, maybe we're better off as friends, if you can't handle committment you're probably not right for me, let's hang out sometime, though I'm pretty busy this week ('with who?' she'll wonder?)

 

Is F-Buddy status no good too you? If that's what she wants, it might be better than nothing.

 

I'm in Brighton... yeah she also sent me a text which said "there are some pictures of you on facebook from [some club night] you look very handsome"... I remeber I replied "sweet.. the two Djs were ****ing badboy.. c ya later"...

 

F buddy... I dunno really... definately better than nothing... So you reckon definately don't call her???

[xpaperxcutx]

I'm in Brighton... yeah she also sent me a text which said "there are some pictures of you on facebook from [some club night] you look very handsome"... I remeber I replied "sweet.. the two Djs were ****ing badboy.. c ya later"...

 

F buddy... I dunno really... definately better than nothing... So you reckon definately don't call her???

 

At this point you should just undermine all my responses. I can't offer you any tactics to become a player and manipulator.

[thethinwhiteduke]

Yeah... I read alot about PUA stuff for a while and used it minorly and rarely to a limited success in a few clubs... I kinda gave up on it... thinking honesty will bring u the most rewarding of relationships... I don't really know where I stand n e more... some of the game type things have jsut become part of the way I deal with women now I guess...

i rember meeting and sleeping with this girl never seemed to need it... she just seemed to really really like me right from the begginning... whic, I suppose, made me think the relationship would last alot longer...