Ingenue Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 What is the etiquette regarding possessions in a break up? For those who don't know my story and wish to read the full length account, it's here. But for those who want the abridged version: Dated a man for 5 years, he dumped me via email so that he could explore greener pastures and see if he could connect with somebody better. He commented that should he not find anybody, it might be possible to get back together (translation - you're my back up girl if I fall flat on my face). I am in complete no contact mode. I haven't bothered to talk with him after the email dumping. I could conceivably see myself being friends with him in a year or two, but currently am in NC My dilemma is that he still has possessions of mine. These are things that I don't necessarily need and can write off or repurchase. I still have some things of his as well. He hasn't asked for them back, so I'm uncertain if I have to send them back. More importantly, he still has my apartment keys. I don't imagine he would ever use them to enter my apartment without my permission. He's not that type of guy. This is such an improbable scenario that I really shouldn't be concerned. But there is a very tiny nagging thought in my head that makes me a bit uncomfortable that my keys are out there. I don't want to re-initiate contact to ask for them back. Would it be improper if I asked a friend to email him with explicit instructions regarding the keys? Or, since it's unlikely he'd use them, do I just write the keys off?
Angel1111 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Forget about getting the keys back because they can be copied, so your security has been compromised. Get the locks changed on your apartment immediately. Just tell the management that you have an emergency situation and need the locks changed as soon as possible. There is usually a charge for this but it's not much. The truth is, you need to feel secure that no one can get into your apartment without your knowledge. As it stands now, he can come in at anytime for whatever reason. Don't try to second guess what kind of person he is, or what he will or will not do. He blew off a 5-yr relationship with you via email - that should tell you something about his character right there. But, again, this isn't about being a mind reader - get your locks changed and it will never become an issue. As far as returning his things and you getting your things back, if you can arrange it, ask a friend to do this for you. He/she can make the phone call to your ex and arrange a time to meet and return each other's things. If he refuses to do that, your friend can let him know that you will take everything that belongs to him and throw it in the trash. Please do not pick up that phone and talk to him for any reason. Pretend you are the President of the United States and you cannot be wasting your time talking to insignificant ants such as him. Your friend will be your diplomatic peace negotiator.
beautifullove Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 If he doesn't care enough about his things to collect them, then why should you. He didn't even have the courtesy to dump you face to face. He knows he has left his belongings, so I would make one attempt for him to get his things (with a time limit otherwise it could drag a bit like my situation), but if that fails then donate them to charity or trash them. In your case, he may be trying to keep lines of communication open in case the grass is not greener. I hate to sound harsh, but I'm a little bitter right now.
Author Ingenue Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Forget about getting the keys back because they can be copied, so your security has been compromised. Get the locks changed on your apartment immediately. Just tell the management that you have an emergency situation and need the locks changed as soon as possible. There is usually a charge for this but it's not much. The truth is, you need to feel secure that no one can get into your apartment without your knowledge. As it stands now, he can come in at anytime for whatever reason. Don't try to second guess what kind of person he is, or what he will or will not do. He blew off a 5-yr relationship with you via email - that should tell you something about his character right there. But, again, this isn't about being a mind reader - get your locks changed and it will never become an issue. As far as returning his things and you getting your things back, if you can arrange it, ask a friend to do this for you. He/she can make the phone call to your ex and arrange a time to meet and return each other's things. If he refuses to do that, your friend can let him know that you will take everything that belongs to him and throw it in the trash. Good advice Angel. It just seems so improbable that he would use the keys considering he now lives in a different city than me. But, you're right that I should just get my locks changed on the off chance that he ever does use them without my permission. I'm just going to write off my own possessions, repurchase them and donate his to charity, though there are a few things that I could probably sell. If I change my mind and want my possessions, I'll ask a friend to email him with instructions on where to send them. I just don't want him misinterpreting the attempt to reclaim my possessions as some wounded cry for "please come back to me". It's why I'm leaning towards just writing everything off. In your case, he may be trying to keep lines of communication open in case the grass is not greener. I hate to sound harsh, but I'm a little bitter right now. beautifullove, i'm sorry that you went through this. I think you're right that he wants to keep communication open and place me on the backburner for that just in case scenario. It's why I'm no contact with him. He told me as much
movingonandon Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 What is the etiquette regarding possessions in a break up? For those who don't know my story and wish to read the full length account, it's here. But for those who want the abridged version: Dated a man for 5 years, he dumped me via email so that he could explore greener pastures and see if he could connect with somebody better. He commented that should he not find anybody, it might be possible to get back together (translation - you're my back up girl if I fall flat on my face). I am in complete no contact mode. I haven't bothered to talk with him after the email dumping. I could conceivably see myself being friends with him in a year or two, but currently am in NC My dilemma is that he still has possessions of mine. These are things that I don't necessarily need and can write off or repurchase. I still have some things of his as well. He hasn't asked for them back, so I'm uncertain if I have to send them back. More importantly, he still has my apartment keys. I don't imagine he would ever use them to enter my apartment without my permission. He's not that type of guy. This is such an improbable scenario that I really shouldn't be concerned. But there is a very tiny nagging thought in my head that makes me a bit uncomfortable that my keys are out there. I don't want to re-initiate contact to ask for them back. Would it be improper if I asked a friend to email him with explicit instructions regarding the keys? Or, since it's unlikely he'd use them, do I just write the keys off? I would strongly advice agains any interaction to exchange posessions. Unless he has something you really value, you dump his crap, and let him dum your crap. Do not set the precedent of interacting because of crap neither of you particularly cares about.
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