Overcontrol?

[fiercexmelon]

Hello.

 

I am 20 years old. I will be 21 in Jan. I'm an only child. I have been dealing with emotionally and at times, physically abusive parents all my life, but in the past 2.5 years, their control has intensified, especially since I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 2 years.

 

About me: I've completed an associate's degree with honors, missing a 4.0 GPA by 2 points in my last semester while working full-time hours at a hotel. I plan to continue my education at a four-year university in the fall. I do not drink, do drugs, or smoke. I don't believe in premarital sex. I've never gotten a driving ticket and the only accident I've been in was when a deer jumped into my car one night. My parents know this...or at least, I tell them that and hope they listen?

 

Yesterday morning, I went to a fair with my boyfriend and some of his friends. My parents knew this. We went to his new house later that evening where we ended up falling asleep. It was too late to drive me home when we woke up(for him, it is now an hour commute to my house and back) and he had to wake up early for work. Luckily, my house is near his job so we went back to sleep.

 

In the morning, I woke up with more than 10 voice mails. It turned out both my parents left me, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend's father(who would have nothing to do with the situation since we hadn't seen him at all yesterday!) excessive voice mails and even told off my boyfriend's father over the phone at least twice. Most of the voice mails consist of hysterical yelling fits, some including bawling.

 

The reason I didn't mention I was sleeping there was because whether I tell them or not, I still get ridiculed. Even if I had told them I was staying at my boyfriend's house, I would get numerous phone calls, filled with insults calling me a "whore" and "bitch" and threats to call the police. I have slept over his old house in the past, where I did tell them and the calls stopped EVENTUALLY.

 

When I returned home at around 8 a.m. I was greeted with some hitting, throwing of numerous objects, and insults from my mom. She even dialed 9-1-1 after the physical chaos(I'm not sure why because I did not even defend myself) and 2 police officers ended up in our house. I had to explain the situation, as did my mom, to the cops, who noted that both her and my father have tons of "problems" with me. Because my mom hit me, the cops said I would be able to get a temporary restraining order from her which would actually prevent HER from accessing her own house, but I chose not to because I thought that was drastic.

 

What bothers me about all of this is that I went on vacation for a week in June to Mexico with my boyfriend where we stayed in the SAME ROOM, where the drinking age is 18, and it is obviously a foreign country, but that did not bother them. However, if I am gone only 1 night, they find a way to make me miserable for a week.

 

I'm not sure what problems my mother or father think I have. I do admit that I recently lost my job due to tardiness. I have difficulties with time management in part due to OCD and depression/anxiety. Other than that, I don't find their thinking rational. Of course, my mother blamed this on me hanging out with my boyfriend at late hours, even though I didn't hang out late on nights when I knew I had work early in the morning. She considers my boyfriend an ******* and jerk, constantly criticizes his family life (his parents are divorced and his dad was an alcoholic over 10 years ago), and tells me that I'm a lying whore and that my boyfriend is just trying to fool around with me.

 

After becoming unemployed, I started right away looking for a job. I mostly use the internet because there's more sources online than driving around to random employers. However, my mom seemed to want me to instantly find a new job and continuously tells me I'm not trying to find a job and that I'm a failure. I'm constantly insulted. When my room is practically spotless, there's something she finds to criticize and she reorganizes it her own way, insulting me later.

 

After yesterday's incident, my parents threatened to cancel my schooling and take away my car. They make empty threats like this on a daily basis, for minuscule actions. I accept that I was wrong by not calling them last night, but at the same time, I believe they need to accept that they are wrong at times.

 

As much as I want to move out, I don't have the funds. In the past, my annual income, not including taxes was less than $10,000 and that would barely afford rent and food where I live for a year. There's also college tuition, the price of buying my own car, and living expenses. I could drop out of school and work full-time, but I'm not sure if that is what I should do rather than coping with my family situation.

 

At the moment, the car I drive is under my dad's name and he refuses to put it under my name and let me pay the insurance for it, even though I am the only one who drives it.

 

Overall, I've tried very hard to sit down and talk to them like mature adults, but when we do try and have a discussion, I end up getting called a "stupid kid" and my opinions get lost in their own hysterical ranting.

 

It's hard to explain everything over the internet, but thank you for reading. Any advice is appreciated.

[Ronni_W]

I could drop out of school and work full-time, but I'm not sure if that is what I should do rather than coping with my family situation.

Well, you have been "coping" with their physical and emotional abuse for a long time. I agree that there is nothing rational or adult about their thinking...or their actions. Their behaviour points more to psychological problems on both their parts.

 

In terms of your choice to quit school to become self-supporting, that is not an easy decision. Have you tried doing a "benefits and costs" list, to see if that can help you gain some clarity about what will be in YOUR current best interest?

But it may also just depend on when you feel that enough is enough. Realistically, you would be able to complete all your studies part-time but, of course, that has its own challenges and will take longer to graduate.

 

I am sorry for your experiences. You do not deserve, and have never deserved, to be treated this way. Any beliefs that your parents have that this is acceptable for any reason(s), are completely inaccurate and misguided.

 

Wishing you an incredibly happy and successful future .

[hcd03]

You are 20 years old. At 18, your parents have no legal rights to you other than helping you with college. They had no right to call 911 because you were with your boyfriend, and they have no right to control who you date and what you do while you're dating.

 

And they DEFINITELY have no right to hit you. That is unacceptable, and I hope you never consider that a "normal" part of parenting. It's abusive.

 

There are ways to work around having your parents pay for college. There are scholorships, student loans, grants, part-time jobs. You may come out of college with debt, but that can be paid off. Your parents shouldn't hold your future education over you. If they start refusing to pay for college, then you could take out loans. there are also dorms on most college campuses. Why not go live in a dorm? Financial aide in any form helps cover the cost of dorms.

 

If you really want to get out from under your family's hold, you should contact your college and see what financial aide is available to you and take it.

 

Concerning your car.... see if you can save up some money to buy a used one that only costs a couple thousand or less. It may be a step down, but it's yours and you will eventually be able to afford a better one.

[vintagecat]

If it were me (and it was at one point 30 some years ago) I'd move out as soon as I could possibly support myself even poorly. (Which I did at 17 after getting out of high school.) It is possible to bootstrap yourself up and make a good life for yourself if you are bright, hardworking and motivated to do so and there are life lessons to be learned by doing it the hard way.

 

So you aren't going to like the rest of this but it has to be said:

 

You have it on hard terms at home and there is absolutely no excuse for abuse. You know what you are dealing with yet you are making it harder on yourself than it has to be. When you woke up and discovered the late hour you should have called your parents and told them what happened and then hung up. (No arguments, no emotional scene you are simply making a courtesy call so they wouldn't "worry".) You would still have gotten in trouble from the sounds of it but they would have likely not left all those voice mails to everyone else and maybe they would have time to cool off, as you said, "the calls stop eventually". Just turn off the phone and get some sleep. What's the difference between calling and not calling? One is respectful, the other is not. Regardless of their not deserving it, you do live in their house and they are your parents, give them the courtesy call.

 

It sounds like perhaps it might be time for you to discover America. Like it or not you have no entitlement to a car, financial support or to further education past age 18, the age of legal adulthood, though most American children receive significant support into their 20s. Strike a truce with your parents, put off continuing school for a year, and give it a shot going it wholly on your own without mom or dad paying for anything living on your own. I think that you might need that experience as long as you can come back home to finish school once the situation calms down a little and you have some experience under your belt about living as an adult in the world. Trust me it's more than just clean rooms and good grades. You have to be able to negotiate with the world on it's terms, not yours and it sounds like you might need a little work in this area.

 

Finally, one thing though, you've got to get yourself a good alarm clock, a bullet proof watch and aim to be at least 15 minutes early to any job, that way if something unexpected comes up on the way to work, you have extra time to cope with it. Being late while it might not be a big deal to you, it is a big sign of general unreliability for employers. Constant tardiness is viewed as a lack of respect for others by those more punctual people which admittedly are the vast majority. Clock watchers rule the business world and with good reason. Nobody cares about your disfunction or malfunctions on the job even if they are your "friends" they will tire of carrying your slack. They want you there when assigned, competently doing the job assigned without drama. You will find that persistent tardiness will derail the best of plans even with a good and costly education and grades of distinction. Remember those life lessons I talked about? Well this is one I learned fairly early on fortunately.

 

While it sounds like I'm being hard on you, the things I'm pointing out in a very candid manner is only a fraction of crow that is served up in the workplace, the legal system and other unavoidable adult institutions. You need to be able to handle the everyday interactions without crumpling into tears, making excuses, insisting on your own way, or looking for rescue in mom and dad's home, driving their car, going to school on their earned dime. Just my 50 cents worth. Good luck to you.

[fiercexmelon]

Thank you for the advice.

 

I am troubled about college because I currently receive a scholarship for my grades through my dad's company that covers a majority of the tuition of college. Now that I'm starting university, the rest of the cost will be covered by a loan that I intend to pay off. However, if I move out, I won't be able to hold onto that scholarship so I'll have to drop out of school for a while or take out a larger loan.

 

To add to the situation, my parents went to my boyfriend's place of employment today and waited in their car by his car after his job ended. He said that they asked him to talk to them and he sat inside their car and eventually, after both parties shouted obscenities at each other, my mom tried to attack him. I'm not sure exactly what happened because I was not there. My boyfriend said he was going to call the police so my parents drove away. My boyfriend did call the police and explained to them the situation, along with co-worker as a witness. The police said they'd come to our house or call my parents, but that didn't happen. They do have it on record, at least.

 

My mom keeps saying that she needs to get a lawyer to get a restraining order against my boyfriend.

 

I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet, but I may move out temporarily until we can all speak rationally about anything.

[fiercexmelon]

Also, I don't consider myself to be handed everything or overly spoiled, like most only children are stigmatized to be.

 

I've been working since I was old enough to work and at one month, this is the longest I've been unemployed since then.

 

In addition, since I've had a job, I've been paying for most of my living expenses, although I am not charged rent. When attending community college, I received a scholarship which covered more than the cost of tuition, and the leftover money went towards books, which I also paid for.

 

I was not handed a new car. I was given a hand-me-down vehicle which is probably worth less than $3000 at the moment.

[Taramere]

You've got a number of problems that are both familial and financial in nature. It sounds as though the scholarship and the conditions attached (ie having to remain under your parents' roof) is the main thing that's permitting your parents to keep all this control over you. Does your dad own the company that's provided you with the scholarship, or is he a director/shareholder?

 

As you say, your parents don't sound rational at all. What I would say is that it's amazing how rational apparently irrational people can suddenly become when a source of power is removed from them. My thinking at this stage is that if your dad doesn't own the company that's providing you with the scholarship, then there's a bit of potential for you to take some power back here.

 

You need to find a centre that can provide you with free legal advice here. Do a bit of googling for that. Someone with a bit more knowledge of your legal rights in this situation could write your parents a letter indicating that you would like to negotiate with them over this unfortunate situation - but if they're not prepared to be reasonable, you won't balk at opting for a more adversarial route.

 

A more adversarial route could be anything from going for that restraining order to approaching whoever (in your father's company) administers the scholarship, outlining the abusive situation you're facing at home and requesting that the company drops the "must live with parents" requirement attached to your scholarship. Whether or not your father owns the company, that would probably be pretty embarrassing for him. You'd need to discuss with your legal adviser the timing of any such letter being sent out, and make provisions for alternative accommodation for yourself during that time - so that you aren't placed at risk.

[curiousnycgirl]

I agree with vintagecat - you need to get out. My mother was very similar to yours. Both physically and verbally abusive of me. My father is actually my step father and really never helped (generally took her side for his own sanity).

 

My mother was overly controlling, etc. etc. etc. Despite the fact that I did come from a very affluent backgroung (so money was always held over my head) - I walked out when I was 18 and did not walk back again until it was under my terms.

 

If you just want to complain about how bad you have it fine, this forum has people who will say there there poor baby. If you actually want to end the abuse you will need to actually suck it up and walk out. That means say goodbye to the $3,000 car, the nice house/bed/whatever. Frankly if you are not ready to do that, then it's just not that bad/hasn't pushed you that far.

 

I had a job from the time I was 12 years old. Unfortunately my parents (who will spend a dollar if given a dime) were always "borrowing" my money - so when I finally left I had a whopping $23 in my pocket and the clothes on my back.

 

I left, got a second job, and 2 weeks later came back for my clothing and cat. They did not know if I was alive or dead for the next 3 years.

 

In those 3 years I held 3 jobs regularly, bought myself a 1972 VW bug for $400, got a room in exchange for babysitting (one of the 3 jobs) - and paid my own way through school. My life was not fun, it was not glamorous and I would not want to go back there for anything - but I had a goal and worked toward it.

 

25 years later I hold a fairly senior position in a major, global corporation, own my home (ok I own the mortgage - the bank owns the home), AND I subsidize my parents each and every month.

 

I KNOW I am a better, stonger, more evolved person for having walked away. I also know that I am a healthier and happier that I would have been had I stayed. I am not saying it is easy and my mother tried pulling some of that abusive crap all the way up to about 10 years ago (hitting me, calling me a whore, wishing I would get AIDS, etc) - but I held strong calmly explained the ground rules I was willing to live with, and in time we've achieved some measure of balance.

 

Good luck to you.