Elena62 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I'm legally separated have been for a long while now and we share the house when he's in the house I'm not, when I'm in the house he is..... It's been so difficult after a 27 year relationship and all the trying we've done - but it's so over. The last hurdle? He's taking all his things and leaving in September for good, leaving me with the children and the bills. I don't intend to rely on his money for anything because i don't even know if I'll get it. And I don't need him for it - and that aspect is p****ng him off! What's so hard is that he can't be civil about this. Yet it was him that wanted this more than anything. Years ago he started to lead a very separate life to me - and told me to do the same. I think that's called an open marriage? Now, how do I go about finding myself? do I have to find myself? I feel pretty together and I'm going forward with so many things in my life. How do I keep a happy relationship with the Father of my children so that the children can see that we're getting along? He has so many issues with anger - I really don't know how to approach him anymore. I want this all over with so I can get on with my life - yet he seems to want to emotionally destroy me. Its not working at all. I just want a decent end to a strange marriage. I want peace. How the hell can I get it?
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 do I have to find myself? I feel pretty together and I'm going forward with so many things in my life. How do I keep a happy relationship with the Father of my children so that the children can see that we're getting along? Elena, if you feel "pretty together" right now then, no, there's nothing to find at the present time . It may change later, but you can just take care of it then. You cannot create a "happy relationship" with him (or anyone else), all by yourself. It's impossible. I wouldn't recommend setting it is a goal because you cannot succeed without his 100% effort. Your 100% effort alone is, unfortunately, not enough. You can only role-model YOUR values and behaviour to your kids. They will appreciate you for it. At some point in their lives, they will be able to put everything in a more adult context, and will come to their own understandings and conclusions about this phase of their lives, in any event. Peace is easier -- you just choose it for your Self, moment to moment. And whenever he disrupts it, you just go back to choosing it again. If it's any consolation, September will be here soon enough -- then you will have MUCH more peace, and it won't get so often interfered with, either. Sending hugs...and angels of Peace!
tealeafbud Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Elena, I know it's a difficult time for you right now, but just realize that you cannot change him. I truly believe that the Sting song about letting someone go if you love them is very true. Difficult to swallow, but true. I sincerely hope that you get some better advice from the LS community and solice in this community.
Author Elena62 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Elena, if you feel "pretty together" right now then, no, there's nothing to find at the present time . It may change later, but you can just take care of it then. You cannot create a "happy relationship" with him (or anyone else), all by yourself. It's impossible. I wouldn't recommend setting it is a goal because you cannot succeed without his 100% effort. Your 100% effort alone is, unfortunately, not enough. You can only role-model YOUR values and behaviour to your kids. They will appreciate you for it. At some point in their lives, they will be able to put everything in a more adult context, and will come to their own understandings and conclusions about this phase of their lives, in any event. Peace is easier -- you just choose it for your Self, moment to moment. And whenever he disrupts it, you just go back to choosing it again. If it's any consolation, September will be here soon enough -- then you will have MUCH more peace, and it won't get so often interfered with, either. Sending hugs...and angels of Peace! Thank you so much! I get so terribly frustrated with it all. I want an amicable arrangement as he seems intent on wanting ending with anger. I do not want this and refuse to take it on board. It such a difficult build up to the final part - and I am so acutely aware of my childrens needs in all of this. I can't wait until it's all done and peace is is my home.
Author Elena62 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Elena, I know it's a difficult time for you right now, but just realize that you cannot change him. I truly believe that the Sting song about letting someone go if you love them is very true. Difficult to swallow, but true. I sincerely hope that you get some better advice from the LS community and solice in this community. I realised this during our last big conversation. Things can't be changed he is who he is and I accept this. I made a very big offer to him to remain in the home for another year full time not part time like he does now. This was to help him gain a qualification so he could progress and get a decent job. He refused it. In fact he made it into a huge argument - it was at that point I let go and told him he must get on with his life. He's not holding on and wanting the marriage he just wants to create chaos and ill feeling. I don't see the point in this considering we've led separate lives for almost ten years! I've tried everything, absolutely every single thing in the book - now I have to really let go and I've got such mixed feelings about it and I don't know why!
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 ...he just wants to create chaos and ill feeling. ...I don't see the point ... I've got such mixed feelings about it and I don't know why! Elena, I went through this at the beginning of the year -- friendly with ex for 10 years after divorce, and then he just started acting like a total doorknocker once we started making plans to sell the 'former matrimonial home'. Just acting totally out of character, like someone I never knew. Now that a few months have elapsed, I think that maybe it was his way of finding some more emotional distance. I used to think that he had "moved on" emotionally, but now I'm not so sure that I had properly read the signs. His recent actions and reactions weren't about me but about the emotional separation that HE still needed to do, to be able to make the final break. From that, I kinda think it's good that he didn't take you up on your offer to stay another year -- maybe I'm just a bit jaded after my own experience, but I would have to guess that you (both) would just have gone through this a year from now -- almost like, we have no control about it happening -- it's for darn sure gonna happen -- but maybe we do have some small control over WHEN it happens. My mixed feelings were similar to yours -- but I also think it just got me sad that THIS was gonna be how we ended things, after a good marriage and friendly divorce...were 'we' really gonna derail almost 25 YEARS in the freakin' last 6 months of owning the house? Were 'we' really that insane??? But then I realized, it was only MY goal and desire to have a nice feeling about ALL those years PLUS to have "love and light" into the future, as well. And I didn't/don't have a right or authority to force MY desire onto him -- he gets to want (and have) his angry feelings and victim mindset -- he does NOT share my goals for "love and light". So then I just had to start choosing peace for myself, over and over and over again...it's all we can do
Author Elena62 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Elena, I went through this at the beginning of the year -- friendly with ex for 10 years after divorce, and then he just started acting like a total doorknocker once we started making plans to sell the 'former matrimonial home'. Just acting totally out of character, like someone I never knew. Now that a few months have elapsed, I think that maybe it was his way of finding some more emotional distance. I used to think that he had "moved on" emotionally, but now I'm not so sure that I had properly read the signs. His recent actions and reactions weren't about me but about the emotional separation that HE still needed to do, to be able to make the final break. From that, I kinda think it's good that he didn't take you up on your offer to stay another year -- maybe I'm just a bit jaded after my own experience, but I would have to guess that you (both) would just have gone through this a year from now -- almost like, we have no control about it happening -- it's for darn sure gonna happen -- but maybe we do have some small control over WHEN it happens. My mixed feelings were similar to yours -- but I also think it just got me sad that THIS was gonna be how we ended things, after a good marriage and friendly divorce...were 'we' really gonna derail almost 25 YEARS in the freakin' last 6 months of owning the house? Were 'we' really that insane??? But then I realized, it was only MY goal and desire to have a nice feeling about ALL those years PLUS to have "love and light" into the future, as well. And I didn't/don't have a right or authority to force MY desire onto him -- he gets to want (and have) his angry feelings and victim mindset -- he does NOT share my goals for "love and light". So then I just had to start choosing peace for myself, over and over and over again...it's all we can do WOW! Thanks, really! this has given me such clarity! I didn't realise that his responses could be because he hasn't moved on emotionally. Now I feel really sorry that he hasn't moved on - I see it all clearly now and understand his angry words. The most problematic area is the actual moving out of his things. I've told him that I don't need to be in the house or see him do it - that he should help himself to his things and what ever he is going to take and then to hand me back the keys. He says no! He says he wants me here. Now I understand why. I also understand this isn't about how I want it to end but more of the mindset he has to make himself look like a victim. How sad it's come to this. This has made me feel deeply sad when I was only trying to co-operate for the sake of a healthy separation in front of our children. Thank you for providing the clarity I needed
Ronni_W Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 This has made me feel deeply sad when I was only trying to co-operate Well, I am glad that it helped...and hope that it may even be the beginning of an abundance of feelings of peace for you. Ten years ago, I decided that I'd not be anywhere NEAR things on the day of final moving and handing over of keys. I had/have no intention of willingly putting myself through that. I won't enjoy it, and won't feel good about it. So...that part is up to you. It depends on what you want for yourself, IMO, much more than on what HE wants you to endure, or what he needs for himself. Hopefully you will eventually come to admire, appreciate and respect your desire and willingness to be cooperative. You acted from a place of kindness and best intentions. I'd encourage you to not let his lack of having "moved on" affect your own perspective on your own wise choices and positive actions. (The way he has been carrying on may have been contagious as it seems to have put you in a temporary bit of victim mode, too...and that can really mess with one's inner peace!) Sending Love and Light
Author Elena62 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Well, I am glad that it helped...and hope that it may even be the beginning of an abundance of feelings of peace for you. Ten years ago, I decided that I'd not be anywhere NEAR things on the day of final moving and handing over of keys. I had/have no intention of willingly putting myself through that. I won't enjoy it, and won't feel good about it. So...that part is up to you. It depends on what you want for yourself, IMO, much more than on what HE wants you to endure, or what he needs for himself. Hopefully you will eventually come to admire, appreciate and respect your desire and willingness to be cooperative. You acted from a place of kindness and best intentions. I'd encourage you to not let his lack of having "moved on" affect your own perspective on your own wise choices and positive actions. (The way he has been carrying on may have been contagious as it seems to have put you in a temporary bit of victim mode, too...and that can really mess with one's inner peace!) Sending Love and Light Thanks! More clear this afternoon. I'm not going to be here when he moves his things. I don't need to see him do it. I was quite messed up with it all this morning. But now, having thought about it I'm clearer! Peace calls
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