seaberry Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, and last summer (about a year ago) we went through a rocky patch when I felt he was being unfaithful. He starting spending a lot of time drinking and partying with a group of friends that I only met once, and there were some times that he stayed out all night. He had lame excuses for all of the behavior including condoms in his car. After a few miserable months of this, he insisted that he was willing to re-commit and make some changes. I decided to stay with him and work on it. Over the past year he has made the changes that I asked for (picks up his phone, always comes home, introduces me to any new friends etc) and we both agree that things have been really good. Until Friday, when one of the girls he used to party with posted some photos on Facebook (I have never met her). There were group photos, as a well as three photos of just my boyfriend and this girl together. In most of the photos his arms are around her in a very couple-like way, some with his hand on her hand. In all of the group shots they are together. From the clothes that he was wearing in the photos, I could tell that they were taken last summer. When I logged on the look at the photos again, I found that he had “untagged” himself. When I question him, he insisted that there was never anything between them and refuses to discuss it. He cancelled his Facebook. Do I trust that these issues are in the past, or do I continue to pressure him for information? I am so devastated and disappointed. Why would she be posting these photos now? I don't know what to do. Help!
Potatocakes Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I believe this was on another board as well and you asked if the girl would cover for him if you asked her if anything happened. Just message her on Facebook saying that he admitted to it and ask her why it happened/how long/ etc.
Lookingforward Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I believe this was on another board as well and you asked if the girl would cover for him if you asked her if anything happened. Just message her on Facebook saying that he admitted to it and ask her why it happened/how long/ etc. sneaky, but effective
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I believe this was on another board as well and you asked if the girl would cover for him if you asked her if anything happened. Just message her on Facebook saying that he admitted to it and ask her why it happened/how long/ etc. Only if you're wrong, she's going to think you're a complete weirdo, and it will no doubt get back to the bf and cause more problems between you.
theobserver Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Who cares what the other girl thinks? Her boyfriend has cheated before and he refused to even discuss the matter of who this girl is to his girlfriend when they had an agreement of introducing new friends etc , then he deletes his facebook probably in hopes the original poster will just forget about this incident. see quote; "he insisted that there was never anything between them and refuses to discuss it. He cancelled his Facebook." I think you should consider the underhanded pm to the other girl, if you're wrong your wrong He can forgive your mistake as you forgave his RIGHT. He's the one that broke the trust and has again not you. You're in your right to do whatever you please to find out what their relationship is.
Author seaberry Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 At the very least he knew that the photos looked too flirty and not appropriate for someone in a relationship - otherwise he would not have deleted them or cared if I saw them. When I pressed him more last night he agreed to discuss the photos – I guess some of them are fairly recent! He promised that this girl is simply a friend and that I am welcome to call her. He has already called her to tell her that I was upset! I just feel so weird that my boyfriend of three years would be in all of these chummy photos with some girl that I have never even met. We have had on-going problems related to what is (and is not) ok behavior when you are in a committed relationship. My boyfriend has always had a lot of female friends, some close, some casual. Actually, he just knows a lot of people in general. He goes out to bars and parties quite a bit – sometimes he invites me and sometimes not! If he says its a "boys night" I don't think female "friends" should be invited to stop by. I never give my phone number to any new male “friends”. I don’t stay out all night. If it is a “girls night”, then no men are there. Most of my close friends are women, and when we party, we would never invite other guys and not include our husbands and boyfriends. There are no photos of guys touching me besides my boyfriend! Am I just being really conservative on this? Aside from these issues he is very kind and loving. I really don’t want to sound like a shrew, but I am having a real problem with this. Is this acceptable behavior for a 30 year old man in a committed relationship? AH!
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I think you should consider the underhanded pm to the other girl, if you're wrong your wrong He can forgive your mistake as you forgave his RIGHT. Sorry to use a cliche, but "two wrongs don't make a right". It seems the OP is the mature one here, and should continue to be so. To answer your next question, seaberry: I think partying with friends is acceptable for a relatively young and unmarried man. However, you are implying that these photos were taken on a supposed "guys night out"--and THAT is unacceptable. If it's okay for other girls to be there (especially if flirting was going on), he should have invited you too.
Author seaberry Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Thank you for the comments! I agree that people of any age have the right to be able to have personal time to party with their friends – both with and without the person that they are in a relationship with. And, we are not married yet. Where I am having trouble is… he has lied to me on numerous occasions and said that it was “boys night” and then invited other female “friends”. Or just omits certain people and things when he tells me about his night. There have been a handful of occasions in which he does not pick up his phone and stays out all night. (Although that has stopped). The fact that he doesn’t include me in some outings where girls are welcome makes me feel as if he may be behaving in ways that he wouldn’t if I were there, and that is why I am not invited. Or that he just wants to be seen as single sometimes. I just don’t know how far its goes or how concerned I should be? I feel like he is putting himself in situations that are high-risk for cheating. Obviously he was at very least tempted at one point. And it is not like I am a “wet blanket” of a girlfriend! I am fun and I like to go out and meet people too…just in a way that is respectful of him. I don’t want to act like his mother or be seen as some kind of ball and chain, but this is NOT ok with me! I already did some checking up on him, such as checking his cell phone log and looking at his bar receipts. Although this is how I found out about some of the fibbing, it only made me feed ashamed and degraded for having done it. I am worried that calling girls that he hangs out with would make me feel that way again.
smoothrider Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Seaberry I'm a serial cheater and let me tell you, I act like your boyfriend occassionally I will always create several backstories to cover my bs. I used to have a gf like you on the site I would not invite her to my outings and I would do it merely because I liked to hit on other women and pretend to be single. I would be wary. Another thing is the only way I was ever found out by 80% of the women I cheated on is by them snooping if they never did it I would still be cheating on most of them to this day. It's up to you. You can be a prime sucker and stick by him for 20 yrs while he is getting his on the side every night or you can find out what's going on once and for all.
Author seaberry Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Thank you for the insight smoothrider. What you are talking about is my worst fear. He has been talking to me about getting engaged, and the last thing I want is to be married to a cheater. I love him very much, but if this is a problem he has then I can’t be with him. Obviously he can’t have any women spend the night, so if he is a cheater then he would have to do it at their place…or in a car? Maybe there are some women that are ok with a casual hook up with someone in a relationship? His friends and family all know he is with me, so would he keep it secret from them as well? And we have sex basically everyday, so he would have to be with multiple women in the same day. If he is cheating then I think it would have to be casual hook-ups with female "friends" or girls that he meets out. There is at lease one night a week that we go out separately. And there are some occasions that we go out of town separately from eachother as well. From the other side of things what advice would you give? If I am wrong I hate to keep accusing him. How did your girl catch you and what did you do when confronted? Do you think there is any hope that he is just a flirt, or am I in denial?
Author seaberry Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 Update on this same situation….since the incident with these photos, things have been pretty rocky. My boyfriend has continued to insist that he has the right to be friends with whichever girls he chooses and that it is his choice whether or not to introduce me etc. The particular girl in the photos now lives in a city a few hours from us, and he went visiting friends there the other weekend and hung out with her (without me) against my wishes. He just kind of took off without touching base with me on plans or anything. While he was away for two nights he never called, but kept sending text messages that he loves me, misses me, wants to marry me etc. We he got home from this weekend trip I noticed that he took his Facebook page down for a few days, and now it is back up with this girl removed as a “friend”. If they are such good buddies and he just made such a stink about being able to see her and continue a friendship with her, why would he remove her? It is so fishy. Now he is acting extra sweet, planning vacations for us, being super affectionate etc. I know him well enough to know that if I confront him about it he will just say that he removed her because it bothered me. Do I call her? Or just assume that he stopped contact with her because it was making conflict with me? What if he is involved with her and wants her to think that he deleted his page so that she won’t comment about him or post photos of them??? Ack. Again, if she is/was just a friend I don’t want to look crazy here.
2sunny Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 too many reasons to wonder. just break up with him. this will allow him to do things that he is actually dead set on doing anyway - he just expects you to put up with it. remember what smooth said? i was married to a man like this for 20 years... his sense of entitlement was always skewed. the mind will always wonder what they are really doing. do you want 20 years of that for yourself?
LakesideDream Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Sorry to use a cliche, but "two wrongs don't make a right". It seems the OP is the mature one here, and should continue to be so. To answer your next question, seaberry: I think partying with friends is acceptable for a relatively young and unmarried man. However, you are implying that these photos were taken on a supposed "guys night out"--and THAT is unacceptable. If it's okay for other girls to be there (especially if flirting was going on), he should have invited you too. HUH? The OP is mature? 30 years old and playing on Facebook? They are GF/BF.... duh, not engaged, not married, not in a domestic partnership. If you don't like what's going on leave. If you don't trust your "boyfriend" leave. If you don't like "guys night out" leave. BF/GF realtionships don't come with a structure of "Rights" other than what you mutually agree to. Life's to short to worry about the little stuff!
theobserver Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 Lakeside it's attitude like yours why people get away with so much in the cheating game. It doesn't matter how old the OP is. Fact is these days Facebook,Myspace can all be used as a tool to cheat it's not immature to be actively observing your partners use of it especially if excessive and unusual. Also do not put down anothers relationship merely because they are not living together or married it is not a measure of the love and possible hurt to come from breaking up it also doesn't make it easier to walk away. With that said, your boyfriend really needs to wise up, personally I would call it a day with him and move on I think you are setting yourself up for a big heart break if things continue this way.
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