J-Go Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I'm a man of 46 who has been married for 21 years and who has tried, for the most part to do the right thing. Don't get me wrong I have made some bad choices in my life, but I do try to not be too big of an ass. When I was a young man, I fell in love with a young girl, we were happy she was smart...I was stoned (it was the 70’s!), and as these things go in life it ended. Every man has in his life has “the girl I almost married,” She was mine anyway, to save you a bunch of boredom I turned into a stoner and a looser and really had some struggles in my life. About 5 years later I met this young woman who seemed to have her stuff together. She was nice to me, and seemed to have the things in her life that I needed in mine. She was all the things I wasn’t, determined confident, aggressive. We dated for about 8 months and decided to get married, about six months later we did just that. Almost right away I knew this was probably not a smart move, but I made the vow and was determined to make the most out of it. Soon we had kids, two boys. I loved them with all my heart. “This is it” I thought, I can learn to love her through them. I did to a point, but sexually...well without being too mean...yuk! I’m sorry to say at time in the marriage I found that elsewhere, but never considered leaving my obligation. However as the kids grew and became more independent I thought of my life with her differently. Two years ago I met a woman at a local theatre, tall, intelligent, very attractive. We hit it off...that is to say there was a strong chemistry, I tried to ignore it. I tried to convince myself that it was just me chasing again, something I had stopped a years earlier, besides she had a boyfriend, he seemed nice and they seemed happy. Again to cut to the chase, we both "discovered" each other and I fell in love hard. It wasn't a choice, it was a happening, it just happened. I hadn't had this feeling in years. We carried on a clandestine relationship; we were both in relationships and seeing each other as we could. I left my home, was actually booted, and she worked to get out of her relationship about the time she did, I made another decision based in guilt and obligation I moved back home. I don't know I guess I thought if I was just miserable enough everyone would see that and go “woa! this is not right". Nope, I have simply been on a year long path of "finding out what's wrong with me" everything from sexual addiction to child abuse to clinical depression. But the fact is in spite of all the therapy and counseling and such I can't shake this woman...I have tried to break it off several times it just leaves me more shattered than before. Bottom line I'm stuck between love and obligation. I’ve been through all the therapy, I know all the logic “it’s only infatuation” “you’re simply acting out” “this is part of addiction” God the list goes on. What I have done for myself is to take the other woman out of the picture and ask “were you happy before she showed up?” Oddly no counselors have asked me that. And the fact is I was comfortable, not un-happy but I was in a sexless marriage with no connection to the woman I am married to other thatn the boys who are now 16 and 20. My boy's see me as broken...an addict, my wife sees me as a project. Any choice I make other than staying with their mother will be viewed as a drunk would be viewed going back to the bottle. I'm more miserable now than ever. I believe my wife loves me, she must she is fighting very hard, I of course love my boys with all that a father can and of course I have love for her. But the truth is I am not in love and I want to be so badly. My concern is this. Is the price to others too high for me to believe I deserve this gift?
quankanne Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I'm always curious when a poster writes, "I love Y, but I'm not *in love* with him/her." Do y'all really expect the relationship to remain static, or are you unprepared for the impact of different events – or changes that occur – and that the only way a relationship can be considered good is if there is that high emotional charge? I'm not trying to be faceticious or rude, but I have a hard time figuring out why people seem to give up on a relationship when the chemical high abates ... my thought is that really mustn't be love if those simple changes create a whole shift in feelings toward a person. this is really worrisome, because I see/hear about people in otherwise good relationships walk away because they're so concerned about being "in love" that they tend to overlook love itself. from a personal point of view, I can offer this observation: When you are going through depression, the very thing that for the longest time you found solace and meaning in, can very easily be questioned. Those things you enjoyed doing, the people you care about suddenly "lose their meaning," so to speak, and you're tempted to make life-affecting decisions when you're in the midst of a psychological battle. DON'T make any life-altering changes right now, but seek help for the depression ... wait it out until you can give the situation a fairer look-see, THEN consider a decision. You'd be surprised at how differently you feel about things when your body chemistry gets into whack
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Take note you leave their mother for the OW they will never respect you for it. You made a vow before god and others to love your wife for life. Your infatuated with a fantasy. The OW was in a relationship cheating on him with you. it's only a matter of time before she done it to you. Stop fooling yourself. You went bnack to your wife because you knew inherently the OW is no soulmate. If I knew your wife I would have told her to change the locks and make you stayed gone. Your kids are right you are an addict searching for that happiness that's only within.
Ronni_W Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Is the price to others too high for me to believe I deserve this gift? No. You need to take care of your own happiness. We all do. That's the primary job, as far as I understand it. "Price to others" is about THEIR own happiness...the (other) adults ought to have been taking care of that, all along. And no parent/adult can affect a child's Purpose and Lessons, either. Claim your gift. Sooner than later. You've already wasted too much precious time, according to your post.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 No. You need to take care of your own happiness. We all do. That's the primary job, as far as I understand it. "Price to others" is about THEIR own happiness...the (other) adults ought to have been taking care of that, all along. And no parent/adult can affect a child's Purpose and Lessons, either. Claim your gift. Sooner than later. You've already wasted too much precious time, according to your post. LOL gift!!!! When OW leaves him he's gonna be like I didnt get my refund!
Author J-Go Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Chrome: it's hard to take advise seriously from someone with that creepy avatar. Perhaps a bondage site would be better suited for your advice quankanne: I feel I may need to carify a bit here I have stopped seeing the OW and have been in treatment for over a year now. I do understand how love ebbs and am not thrilled at the prospect ripping apart a family as my own mother was married 6 times before her passing. My frustration is this, even after all these years and all the counseling my feeling, attachment and attraction for my wife is still not what I would consider honest. The treatment program we are in is for what is called sexual anorexia...basically when people stop having sex with each other. The idea is to get back to intimacy and say the things you should say until the feeling comes back...it's not coming back and I'm growing more and more frustrated. I feel like I have missed an opportunity at happiness choosing instead a path of obligation.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 we both "discovered" each other and I fell in love hard. It wasn't a choice, it was a happening, it just happened It is a choice. You chose to let the feelings grow, you chose to pursue someone else while married. Why is that OK to betray your wife, hurt her, cheat on her, betray your whole family? Why not set your wife free so SHE can find someone else who will love her back? Is it possible that she's just as miserable as you are, and feels she's settled because of the kids? How would you feel if she cheated on you? Talk to your wife, tell her you're very unhappy and want a divorce. Go be with your OW, let your wife go. You two can still be great co parents together, just not under the same roof.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I have stopped seeing the OW and have been in treatment for over a year now. I do understand how love ebbs and am not thrilled at the prospect ripping apart a family as my own mother was married 6 times before her passing. My frustration is this, even after all these years and all the counseling my feeling, attachment and attraction for my wife is still not what I would consider honest. The treatment program we are in is for what is called sexual anorexia...basically when people stop having sex with each other. The idea is to get back to intimacy and say the things you should say until the feeling comes back...it's not coming back and I'm growing more and more frustrated. I feel like I have missed an opportunity at happiness choosing instead a path of obligation. J-Go, you come across as slightly narcissistic. There's much in your post about your feelings and needs and very little about the impact of your actions on those around you. You've cheated multiple times on your W yet you wonder why she isn't the willing sex partner you feel you deserve. Sorry for the tough love, but you seem to have lived your life on a self-centered basis to this point. What price for your happiness should your wife and kids be willing to pay? Mr. Lucky
Author J-Go Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 I've been bumping around the site and came across a thread discussing women who have lost the sex drive in the marriage i.e. sexless marriage. Interestingly enough many of the posters seem to have some of the same issues...wondering if the person they are with in the right one, considering looking "elsewhere". yada yada yada. Wow we sure seem to be forgiving when a woman struggles with these issues. In fact one of the posts stated tell him what's wrong with him and demand he change it or move on. I find it fascinating that when a man struggles with these issues we are labeled as narcissistic sex addicts. The double standard is amazing!
Gunny376 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I find it fascinating that when a man struggles with these issues we are labeled as narcissistic sex addicts. The double standard is amazing! Actually I prefer "Single Man" As a single man you hit some dry spells, (I remeber the 'Great P***Y Famine of 1999'! Them were some hard times, and people complain about how hard things are today. ) But per "The Art Of Lving Single" your life is what you make it, and sometimes you've got to get outthere and make things happen.
81West Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 This really boils down to what you want to do with the next 30 years or so of your life, and where you want to have arrived at the end of it. Both paths mean you sacrifice something, and there is no objectively right answer. If you leave your wife, you walk into an uncertain future with a largely untested relationship with the added pressure of the guilt, second guessing and lousy odds associated with an exit affair. On the other hand, staying probably means an unsatisfactory status quo. If you have been a mostly good man and a mostly good father your sons will forgive you eventually, particulary as they mature and grow to understand the complexities of long term relationships. You will be giving up the significant accomplishment of arriving at your golden years with your partnership intact to share together the joy of your grown children and grandchildren through a time when your priorities will have changed. In exchange, you would have an opportunity to seek a sexually and emotionally fulfilling life for the next couple of decades, albeit with no guarantees. Does it take a degree of selfishness? Yes, it does, but you only have one life to live and in the end you are not more, or less, important than anyone else. You've already demonstrated to yourself that you are capable of fulfilling your own needs and wants at the expense of others so you are capable of making a selfish decision that is unlikely to torment you over the long haul. Try not to get tangled up in the high minded and confusing arguments and make a pragmatic mental map of each path. Which of the two imperfect solutions can you most live with?
Mr. Lucky Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 I find it fascinating that when a man struggles with these issues we are labeled as narcissistic sex addicts. The double standard is amazing! The nacissism, equally applicable to both sexes, comes into play when one makes serial attempts to have their cake -spouse, marriage, kids - and eat it too - affairs on the side. Not fair to anyone involved, eventually including (as you seem to be finding out) you... Mr. Lucky
TrustInYourself Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Hey are you a man or a child? You want truth. It doesn't come from online romantic relationships that give you a thrill. It doesn't come from random affairs with women you barely even know. Sexual/Physical chemistry is just that. Nothing more. I'd be concerned as to why you validate your happiness and enjoyment of life at this point in time through other women? Sure, it may be easier than working on it with your wife. But marriage isn't always easy.
quankanne Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 But marriage isn't always easy. but it *is* always worth fighting for, even when the outcome isn't what your hope it would be.
81West Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 But marriage isn't always easy. but it *is* always worth fighting for, even when the outcome isn't what your hope it would be. See, now I would challenge that. Sometimes people simply marry the wrong people, and there's little wisdom in fighting for the compounding of that error with a few more decades. Sometimes getting out *is* first prize, and not the consolation for a valiant but failed effort.
TrustInYourself Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 See, now I would challenge that. Sometimes people simply marry the wrong people, and there's little wisdom in fighting for the compounding of that error with a few more decades. Sometimes getting out *is* first prize, and not the consolation for a valiant but failed effort. I guess that's the question for the ages. Is it that people marry the wrong people? Or? Is it people refuse to accept the person they marry. If you decide to marry someone, it's obvious you feel in love and a deep connection with that person. That connection changes for the better and for the worse. The issue many people have is how personal happiness can outvalue marital happiness. Perhaps marriage vows are a prison, but c'mon.
Cheesecake Posted August 9, 2008 Posted August 9, 2008 Yes, there are people who marry for love, and some who marry for status....and then there are some who simply marry because of an ideal that society has placed on the importance of being married by a certain age or "stage" in life. So don't rule out those who feel pressured to take this step, under the false illusion that the person they are with at the time they decide to "tie the knot" is a suitable partner, when they may not necessarily be.
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