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is there hope for a relationship after the "affair" part is over?

mytruelove

By mytruelove
in The Other Man / Woman

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mytruelove Established Member

mytruelove

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other posts on here stating how it is not possible to be friends or go back after having sex in an "affair" situation begs me to ask this question because my guy and i have had many talks about not wanting things to change between us....keep in mind that i have been friends with this man for 10 years now...and there is A LOT to lose here.

 

okay, so people say not possible, but...

 

is it possible then to have a relationship after the "affair" part is over?

 

as in, if i say i'm taking a break from the situation now, and eventually he breaks it off with his g/f will be able to have a relationship then?.. and will it be the same or better than what it is now?

 

thanks from a newbie :)

Owl Established Member

Owl

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IF he breaks it off with his girlfriend, and IF you're not involved with someone else...then of course its possible.

 

But once you cross those "lines"...going back is hard to do.

 

See the difference?

Meaplus3 Established Member

Meaplus3

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other posts on here stating how it is not possible to be friends or go back after having sex in an "affair" situation begs me to ask this question because my guy and i have had many talks about not wanting things to change between us....keep in mind that i have been friends with this man for 10 years now...and there is A LOT to lose here.

 

okay, so people say not possible, but...

 

is it possible then to have a relationship after the "affair" part is over?

 

as in, if i say i'm taking a break from the situation now, and eventually he breaks it off with his g/f will be able to have a relationship then?.. and will it be the same or better than what it is now?

 

thanks from a newbie :)

 

My bet would be that it is possible, but sweetie why get caught up in thinking that way now? Right now he has a GF and until he is free then why focus on him.. it's just a waste of your time.

 

AP:)

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mytruelove Established Member

mytruelove

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for responding so quickly. it was your post that i was responding to on the other thread and didn't want to hijack it, so i started a new one.

 

i get a big pit in my stomach when i think that we cannot go back to the way things were or still have what we had before having sex. i am so afraid i gave too much too soon and would take it back if i could, but...

 

it is rough, i think we're trying to work through it though. we've seen and talked to each other since and sometimes it is just the same, nothing changed, and others, he seems distant or things do seem different. i'm thinking maybe it is just a space thing and we just might need some space (or he does).

 

can you tell that i am not the most patient person? i'm trying. i just want everything to work out so badly.

.............................

THANK YOU MEAPLUS3 FOR THE SUPPORT ALSO. maybe i am trying to force the future just a little bit huh?

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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i get a big pit in my stomach when i think that we cannot go back to the way things were or still have what we had before having sex. i am so afraid i gave too much too soon and would take it back if i could, but...

 

You can't go back, things will never be the same as it was before you two had sex and crossed the line. It's no longer a platonic friendship. Maybe in time it could be, and I mean each of you need to let go of the feelings, both sexual, intimate and emotional. Right now it is IMPOSSIBLE to have that friendship because of the feelings involved. Already you're thinking about it too much, he's distant, not talking...The why this and why that. Friendship is simple - This is NOT simple at all.

 

Fact too, you're desparate for things to workout so badly is another sign there's too much emotion involved.

nadiaj2727 Established Member

nadiaj2727

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I agree with WWIU and meaplus, you should look within and become a whole and healthy person. I wonder why you allow yourself to be involved with someone who has a girlfriend and already wondering if things will work out between the two of you? There can't be a two of you while he is still with her, so why not back away and be strong on your own. Then you will be able to find out the future for the two of you starting out as your own couple, not piggy-backing off a beginning that occurred before another relationship ended. Be strong and happy on your own and only then can you find fulfilling relationships. :) Good luck.

BklynGuy Established Member

BklynGuy

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I don't think it's possible to go back. I had a friend and slept with her after 5 years of friendship. Big mistake because we've never been the same since. We've always liked eachother and now she tells me if she breaks it off with her S/O then we can be together. In my mind, our chance has past.

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

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...You can never go back to the way it was. Dont fool yourself.

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

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Nope, can't go back.

 

And from what you posted, it sounds more like pining for him until they break up. That's not a friendship.

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

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Nope, can't go back.

 

And from what you posted, it sounds more like pining for him until they break up. That's not a friendship.

Hey NID, I want to PM you. Do you have PM rights?

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mytruelove Established Member

mytruelove

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most of these replies seem pretty grimm. i really hope it is not the case.

 

as far as being left pining for him...that's nothing new here...been doing that for 10 years...but i will continue to live my life also.

 

so far, we both seem to be trying and doing pretty good at keeping the friendship and communication going, but it very very hard...some times being easier than others.

 

patience and persistence and lots of faith are what i am holding on to.

jj33 Established Member

jj33

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We have tried on and off for a year to be friends - and recently I decided that really it was just an emotional A - the A without the sex and time spent together - so I have called a time out to get more perspective.

 

I think its difficult especially in the first few months. The thing with break ups is married or not the one person you want to speak to (him) is the one person you need to detach from. And if you dont do it then you end up inching closer and closer together only to have to pull apart (like a moth too close to the flame) or you fall over the edge and have to start all over again. Either way its not good. Maybe some people can transition immediately into being friends but I think its ambitious when you are trying to recover from a broken heart.

 

That being said hopefully after a time it is a realistic ambition. I suspect each case is different.

 

Good luck

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

Posted
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The thing with break ups is married or not the one person you want to speak to (him) is the one person you need to detach from. And if you dont do it then you end up inching closer and closer together only to have to pull apart (like a moth too close to the flame) or you fall over the edge and have to start all over again. Either way its not good. Maybe some people can transition immediately into being friends but I think its ambitious when you are trying to recover from a broken heart.

 

 

That's why I called it pining. And its not worth it. Believe me.

 

You could end up missing out on a really great relationship while hoping for more in this kind of *friendship*.

 

And if its not going to be a friendship that can have all of its past vetted, its not a friendship. It will always be a longing for more and lurking around waiting for it.

 

That's pining. And a friend wouldn't let you do that if they really cared about you and wanted the best for you.

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mytruelove Established Member

mytruelove

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jj33- that's a very good point- and as hard as it is and as much as it hurts if i don't end up being with him i will force myself to go out and find someone else...not because i want to, but because i have to...i've done it before and am fairly confident i can do it again. i'm not putting ALL my eggs in one basket believe me. i know i can't do that.

 

i am going to date and if i find someone else then that will be his missed opportunity. i would just hate to see another missed chance for us to be together because we are not free especially after all we have been through and as far as we have came and i just know how perfect we are for each other.

 

noididn't - thanks for clarifying - that makes perfect sense on the pining ;)

 

i guess my question was more ....does the "affair" ruin a chance at a relationship later on when both are free...not necessarily just friendship

(i can understand how that might be too hard), but hopefully more... as in does the affair ruin any chance at a good relationship.

 

anyone watch "tori and dean" that's an example of a great relationship that started as an affair...i know that it is rare, but i think/hope it can work like that.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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They've only been married afew years and keep in mind EVERY GUY she's been with (she has had other affairs with MM and taken men) she's called him "her soulmate".. I just hope for the sake of their kids, neither of them wander off and cheat.

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