nowhereman82 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 *I posted this initially in the wrong section. Can't figure out how to delete it. Reposting here sorry.* First off I prey she doesn't use this forum haha So to be honest and forthcoming I came out of a 5 year relationship 3 weeks before our wedding...she got cold feet, cheated on me, etc. Who wouldn't be a wreck? This happened early June this year. I did a bunch of reading (on this forum actually) and was able to turn the negative into a positive practically over night. I am only 25 and it's not the end of the world and now I have the opportunity to meet tons of new people, have experiences, and live life....no honestly the pain went away just by changing my way of thinking on it. So there is the baggage. So I start "living", went on a couple of dates, started some hobbies, etc....and I posted one day on Craigslist. Got a response and we met and hit it off VERY well. We start hanging out all the time, had tons of fun. Fast forward a couple of weeks and we start having sex. Honestly the best sexual partner I ever had. Specially compared to the ex. One problem though....I can't orgasm. Tried again....can't. And that's been the story for over a week now and had multiple attempts. And I am a guy.... Well the obvious answer is that emotionally I'm not capable of achieving an orgasm with another person yet. I can when I am with myself just fine. So I feel that I should stop having sexual relations with her and try to go back to the way it was before. I feel this is the only right thing to do. I question though if I should even maintain a relationship with her as it might confuse her. I really don't know. This is one of those stereotypical "It's not you it's me" kind of deals. But I am not a user or immoral so i feel I should do the right thing....just not 100% sure what that is. Some input would be greatly appreciated by women and men. Let me know if you need more info!
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 From what I've read on this site, this isn't an unusual situation for men after the cessation of a relationship. It's as if your mind and body remains within the relationship to an extent and it takes time to exit it completely. Take it easy for awhile. Relax with friends. Better to create a positive environment for yourself, rather than a pressured environment to perform.
Author nowhereman82 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Well, I understand that....and hence the question. I guess what I am asking is what the men and what the women of this site feel is the right thing to do with the girl I am involved with.
Lucky555 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I think you are not emotionally ready for an intimate relationship. BUT there is HOPE! Do you feel like you have closure from your last relationship? (Do you still have lingering feelings of betrayal, wondered what the heck happened, what you could have done differently? If you have these thoughts its normal but remember You still have your future ahead of you. What drives you? do you want a house, a new car, a solid career...find something do drive you and do it. you will feel a sense of accomplishment and fulfill some of those voids you feel) Have you found yourself again? (hangout with family, friends, enjoy your job,) Do you care for yourself? (shower daily, workout, love yourself when you look in the mirror? Start Smiling, look at how much you have accomplished or learned and think about all the things you want to do (vacation?) ) This poor new girl is a rebound i think. I also think you have overlooked knowing her. sounds like your not quite at the place to be giving everything to this new girl. If you want to see if it goes somewhere then ask her how her day was and start doing things you feel you need in your life. You need a hug ? HUG HER and she will do the same. Its a reciprocal thing i suppose. You need the intellectual closeness...start asking things and do some discussions..You may be into politics. This will help you to know her better and her to know you better. It will create a whole new bond. You probably will discover great things that make you forget your ex! For the intimacy issues..do the above first then see how you feel. I think once you do this stuff above you will have no problem. I know you will be much happier if you don't give up on yourself. But if your not interested in this girl and she doesn't really have great qualities than by all means say good bye and don't lead her on. Also don't tell her about this. I think it will cause stress on the relationship since it is still sort of new. You want a strong relationship to start with. It will also drive her nuts. Remember try doing the above. Give it 2 weeks..and in those two weeks don't sleep with her. IF she wants to sleep with you tell her you want to wait and get to know her better and you feel like you need to slow it down so you can savor the moments.. Hope that helps.
Author nowhereman82 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Guess I was doing all those things then I started laxing on some of them when I started dating her. We actually talk quite a lot. So this isn't just pure sex and sugar coatednes. Because I haven't done much dating, I guess I'm not really sure how to go about it. Obviously this is not to be long term. Not going to hop out of one and right into another. A friend told me you know when you're done dating, when it's not fun anymore. Then you move on. Does that sound right? As for the ex, no closure. Which I resent. I will follow your advice and not verbally tell her about the choosing not to be sexual....but might she also feel rejected if I don't explain?
A.G.Doren Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I think you could tell her that you're stuggling with some mental and emotional issues due to being cheated on by your previous gf just before the wedding. Keeping this from her will confuse her, I doubt she'll believe you want to take it slow all of a sudden. I can imagine the advice she'd get if you told her that and she came to this message board. They'd prolly convince her that you were cheating and preparing to dump her.
btc8 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 She must know that you cannot orgasm? I am not sure how a guy could actually fake that. Just tell her that you need to connect with her on another level besides the sexual one. You've already had sex with her, so you shouldn't be afraid to let her know. But another important question: Do you really and truly care for her, or are your new feelings becoming befuddled with the ones from your past relationship?
Lucky555 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 "A friend told me you know when you're done dating, when it's not fun anymore. Then you move on. Does that sound right?" So you want to say goodbye to her? This maybe why you can't be intimate with her. Maybe you just don't click? Shes a great girl but there is no excitement of seeing her or wow you can't wait to do this with her (like golfing or something haha) Are u still missing your ex? I know i needed at least three months after my break up to find happiness and find my best self to start dating again. Which i am almost at that mark but i don't want to date till i figure out what is it that i want out of a relationship..and now i know its working together, having fun, and being as happy as possible, not tolerating bs or lies, no games, I tolerated a lot in the past but i learned SO... Maybe shes just not right for you right now? You could just need some time alone and maybe meet some more people. I myself didn't get involved as much as you did with your ex...but breaking up is still breaking up. I initially felt i needed a rebound and i needed someone right then. But i had done this before so i knew it wouldn't be the right thing to do. I also really don't have a desire to date its like i just need a break and a breath of fresh air before i start getting crazy about someone new. Maybe you too need that breath of fresh air. If you trying to break up with her tell her about your problem...if you want to work on it do it, if not say you just can't put her through this. Well i am sure you could come up with something. I just don't know from your post if your trying to break up with her or trying to work through it with her. Plus this is not just your intimacy issue its also part of the relationship. So at some point you will have to say something..thats why i had said two weeks before after u did those things. I thought this was new but it could be new and you have become close with her? or maybe your just not that close and think its time to move on? So now i guess i ask what do you want to do?
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