SeaBrooke Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 i have been reading here off and on for the past few months. i met him 13 months ago. i've tried to end it many times, i do not stick to my word, nor does he. he says he has no intention of ever leaving her. his kids are 17 and 23 both at home. at easter time 2008, she actually confessed of having an affair and wanted to leave him, was ready to do just that, except she told him the man she was seeing didn't want her to do that. deep in my heart, i wish he and i had a future together. he tells me she's been trying to leave him for years...he won't let her go. i feel so screwed up, for ever having gotten myself into such a mess to begin with. everytime i go into nc, the longest 22days then i hear from him and it tugs on my heart, and i end up missing him, thinking of him. in 13 months i've never even once driven by his house, called his house etc. sometimes i wish she knew about me, and other days i am soooo glad she doesn't. how do the married people we are involved with go home to their spouses day in and day out and act like everything is normal, after being with us?
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 how do the married people we are involved with go home to their spouses day in and day out and act like everything is normal, after being with us? Respectfully....does this question matter in the long run? What matters is why do you continue to accept this relationship? You say he's told you he's never leaving her...even when he had the ultimate reason to do so (she cheated on him)...he refuses to do so. That's the only 'answer' you need to hear. Why do you continue to accept this? That's the REAL question you should be delving into right now. You're worth more than just PART of anyone's life. Why accept less than you deserve? He's made his choice...the only decision left now is how long you're going to wait before you put an end to this. Make sense?
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I think they call it denial. Part of me keeps hoping against hope that he will change his mind as time goes on. I get just so far away, and then he contacts me again, wanting to see me etc. In June he had a business trip and wanted me to go with him. I didn't though. It was the first time he actually was ready to plan for us to spend the night togther. I saw this as hope. I guess I am pretty messed up in the head right now.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Time to change phone numbers, email addresses and any other contact info he has. If she has been trying to leave and he doesn't want her to move on, his actions are telling you that he has the opportunity to be with you and he chooses not to. It is time to start living the life that was meant for you and not waiting in the wings like a ghost that can't be seen or heard.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 how do the married people we are involved with go home to their spouses day in and day out and act like everything is normal, after being with us? Not to be rude, so don't take this out of context, but how could someone knowingly get involved with a married person, knowing they aren't going to ever leave their spouse? It's obvious he can separate what he has with you, to what he has at home. What an ego rush for this guy! HE has TWO women meeting all his needs, why should he walk away from that? Question is - How long do you intend on settling and being the OW? I take it you want more from him..The thing is, he isn't in any position to give you more. He can offer you bits and pieces of him, on his time frame, not yours. His family comes first (which is silly seeing as he's cheating on his wife, betraying them, living a lie) so if you're OK to play second fiddle, I'm sure he would gladly keep you in his life as the OW. The choice is yours. If you want your own family -Kids, house, a life with someone, end it with him, go NC and heal yourself. If you stay, you'll lose out on all that and one day may look back with alot of regret.
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I am not proud of my role in any of this. He wanted to "remain friends" I thought I could do that,e xcept his idea of friends is the same as it's always been. He says he loves us both, today I am not feeling so very loved. I feel stupid. I feel like his being with me, helps keep him more content in his relationship with his wife, gives him some excitement etc. They have been together 20+ years. Funny, when she fessed up about her affair to him, he never told her about me. I thought, things would just fizzle out between he and I after all this time. He told me once he did too. I do okay until I see him or hear from him and he starts walking down memory lane with me, or asking me about my children, my life etc. I feel cold to block his email, part of me is still in love with him enough, when we have gone the 22 days of nc, i end up feeling some relief to knwo he has missed me. Another part of me gets angry he can go freaking 22 days of nc. What makes him so weak he has to contact me at that point. Why doesn't she suspect anything???? Surely after 13 months I would think she would suspect something.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Don't concern yourself with what she thinks. You need to make a choice and stick to it. What his wife does or doesn't know means that he's hidden your affair. He had a chance to tell her, possibly end the marriage to be with you, and he chose not to. THAT says alot, don't you think? He says he loves us both, today I am not feeling so very loved. I feel stupid. I feel like his being with me, helps keep him more content in his relationship with his wife, gives him some excitement etc. They have been together 20+ years. That is why he didn't tell his wife. He may care about you, but he cares more about himself and how YOU make him feel. He says he loves you, but it isn't enough for him to leave his wife and start a life with you. Don't feel it's cold to block him and detach from him. That's called taking back your life, being in control and not letting this man walk all over you, not letting him call the shots.
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Why doesn't she suspect anything???? Surely after 13 months I would think she would suspect something. Why are you so focused on HER actions???? He's TOLD YOU that there's no chance of him leaving her. What's the value in asking yourself questions like this?!?! He's not leaving her...the only question that matters is if you're going to remain his other woman or not. Make sense? Focusing on anything else is just deflection from the real bottomline issue.
Riley Freeman Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 let this dood go, if he wanted you he would stepped up and treated you like he wanted you....is this what you want? someone who's not really there, only take a man who devotes 100 percent of his realationship life too you 100 and no less...99.99 percent dont cut it either
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I think they call it denial. Part of me keeps hoping against hope that he will change his mind as time goes on. I get just so far away, and then he contacts me again, wanting to see me etc. In June he had a business trip and wanted me to go with him. I didn't though. It was the first time he actually was ready to plan for us to spend the night togther. I saw this as hope. I guess I am pretty messed up in the head right now. The guy is really lost at the moment. You don't know which way he will go once he comes out the other side. Tough choice.
OWoman Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Why doesn't she suspect anything???? Surely after 13 months I would think she would suspect something. Whether she did or not would not make the remotest difference I reckon, if she's tried to leave before and he's "stopped" her. Her responses seem very important to you, but they don't really shift things either way. His responses - and your own - are really the only ones that matter here. You wondered why he would contact you after 33 days of NC? I guess the same reason he didn't want his W to leave when she'd found someone else. He doesn't want either of you to be over him. He sounds like he has a co-dependent thing going on with BOTH of you.
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 I'm going to try and answer everyone's questions here: Owl: I have been focused on what she does, because for a year of my life I have allowed my life to revolve around what she does. I see him when she is not home etc. My plans change if hers do etc. So over the course of time through the duration of this affair my life has essentially revolved around what she is doing. Not good, but affairs tend to work that way. At least that's the way this has for me, it is not healthy. I agree with you, that I need to stop that focus and get back to myself and things that are impartant to my Own Life. I am trying to do that. You are right the Question is how long do I continue to involve myself. I am trying to get out of this. It hurts and is painful. I am trying to realistically look at exactly what it is that I am infact losing here by ending this. Essential I am alone, at the end of the day, and the begining of it too. Lot's of times in between too! Holidays always. There's a entire chapter of my life for a little more than a year that is a secret, and he is not the only one who has had to decieve people. I have with my children, family friends etc. It's a hollow feeling. But, I think part of my healing myself, is the need to know how someone so splits themselves with a spouse after having slept with someone else and go home and carry on, cook dinner etc. sleep in the same bed. WhichWayisUp: I agree with you, the dynamics in his marriage are his and hers to deal with, but in enetering in the affair with him, I became effected by his home life, and I suspect effected it too even if only mildly. Seems she has been busy with another man as well. I guess in some respects they are like two peas in a pod. She could do what I once did, and I was married from the age of 18 until the year 2000, and I am 46 now. I never cheated in that marriage. Ironic, how it took my being divorced for so many years to lose my code of ethics. What a fool I've been. She stays because she wants too....Just like he does. She's an adult just like I am and he is. I am drained from this. Riley Freeman: Oh, I agree with you, he has made his choice all too clear, and I have felt so degraded and my self esteem is pretty much lower than it's ever been at this point. Untouchable: You are right, he is lost... at least that is what I've told myself for so long now. I still do, and yet if I listen to my his words he is never going to leave her. My feeling sorry for him is what has kept me stuck though. Ia m not getting any younger myself. I start back at college again for the first time in many years since my kids were little... I am finally going to finish up my degree.... I need this ended so my mind gets clear and I don't mess up this chance. I love him and this is very hard. I do believe he will be hurt too by my choice. But, maybe that is just my own ego talking. I feel my feelings are more in this than his own or he would leave her. OWoman: He has told me he loves us both. But, I feel if his commitment is first to her than he ought to leave me alone when I stop contact with him, and not keep trying to lure me back in. It's not fair, and he takes advantage of my feelings for him, and I need to develope a thicker skin when it comes to him and develope some immunity to his words. BentNotBroken: I am just not sure the best way to handle it all, ending it that is. In the past when I wrote to him about ending it, or talked with him face to face, days pass and I hear from him again. Blocking him out of my life, is hard to do just seems cold. Although it is what feel like my only way out. In the past he as made me promise him that I would never do that, that we would always remain at the very least friends and be able to always be intouch via the internet. HE has said he never wants to lose me. I did promise him this, but I feel it keeps me right in the thick of it really. I hear from him and I get sucked right back in to it all. I've been a real dumb bunny.
Owl Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Blocking him out of your life...while perhaps "cold"...is the ONLY way you're going to get past this. It really is that simple. I didn't say EASY....but it IS that simple.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 how do the married people we are involved with go home to their spouses day in and day out and act like everything is normal, after being with us? It doesn't sound like they do. I know in my case he didn't act normal at home. But that's not what matters here. He said that he will never leave his W. He said that his W has tried to leave him but he won't let her. That's all you need to know to move on. You deserve better than this and honestly, 13 months is just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine doing this another year or two or three. Is it worth it? 1
SnowWhite924 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Seabrooke, I know how you feel. I ended a 11 month A. I would break it off with him monthly and for all the reasons you mentioned, I got sucked back into it again and again. What makes this time different? I decided I am going to roll with the punches and put this to an end and be FREE!!! If I'm sad, I cry, and move on. I try not to think about him and when I do, I keep saying to myself 'I don't want to be in an A anymore, I want to be free!!' I want to be HAPPY! I'm doing it for ME. He will have to deal with the NC and being apart on his own. He is NOT my problem. I need to take care of myself and you do too! You need to get to the point where you have had enough. When you want nothing more than to be free from this and want to live peacefully, then you will find the strength to do it. My exMM and I have spoken in the past about remaining friends, etc...but realistically, I know that can't possibly happen as long as there are romantic feelings between us. It may never happen and I ACCEPT that. You must ACCEPT that too. NC is the best remedy. Stay strong and keep reading these posts. The support you get from these great people here at LS will help you through. Take it one day at a time and you will see things more clearly. You have to want to move forward and want better things for yourself.
bentnotbroken Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 You made a promise to a liar. You owe him nothing. Not kindness, respect and certainly not honor. As cold as blocking feels to you, consider this; which is worse, you blocking him out of your life or having him and his wife remain in your life with all the issues that go with that. What's the choice?
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 I blocked him.... I've never gone that far before to do that. No goodbye, no I will miss you.... Not a word from me just blocked him. I feel so many things here. Out of Character being one of them, but I feel it's the only defense I have left in a way. Part of me is very angry at him. He expects a lot from me as a person who is "in love" with him. I often wonder if it was reversed would he tolerate the same excuses and behavior from me. I doubt it. He doesn't even know I am gone. I wonder how long it will take him to notice? Now, I have to ask you folks this, for those of you who have done this before and I know all people are different, what can i expect from here? Is it likely he will go away gracefully??? leaving me alone. His work brings him to my city on a fairly regular basis. In the past when I have sent a good bye email.... with in minutes of getting it he has driven past the house here numerous times. Seeing him at my door will make me break down and cry.... I need a plan for coping with that if it should happen. It's so not like me to just not say a word about my decision. He's going to think something is wrong... nothing is really wrong, everything is just getting right really cause I am moving on.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Is there any way you can take a holiday? Or stay at a friends house for a week? You did the right thing, as painful as that was to do - I think it was the only thing TO DO in your situation. He isn't stupid, he KNOWS what's what. His ego will be hurting and he may react, so stay strong! Anyway, think about the holiday getaway or heading to a friends house, or even a family member's place.
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 I have no way to do that, good idea though and I wish I could. I just took a week off in July, and this relationship has been a secret. Everyone would wonder what's up if I asked to do that.
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 this relationship has been a secret Another reason to show that you did the right thing. A relationship that has to be hidden and kept in secret isn't a good or healthy. Don't answer your door!
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Well, now I just have to deal with my own self, all the feelings that go with the ending of a relationship. I am angry right now, with myself and with him. But I keep telling myself, I was doing okay before I met him, I'll be okay now too. now I won't have to listen to the "I miss you's"
me003 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I know it hard, but he is still choosing to stay married. W has cheated and he does not care. You should be wondering why he is not by your side when you have not cheated on him. Reason, because you are not his #1. NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. Make you #1. Take care of you, love you. Once you have all that you will wonder what you were ever thinking by settling for #2. My Xmm, works with me, so I have a tougher time than you, but this too shall pass and it will make me a stranger person for it. I have been where you are at. And yes, I still get angry when i think of what he did (after I broke up with him). I know I love him, but after all he did, I am noy in love with him, so that makes it easier. Start going out and make friends you can hang out with when you know he will be in town. Friends will keep you busy and out of his way. It will be hard at first, but just go out there and make yourself your first priority.
White Flower Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Now, I have to ask you folks this, for those of you who have done this before and I know all people are different, what can i expect from here? Hi SeaBrooke, You can expect him to reel you back in every time. He cannot give you up because this is the only life he has ever known. He will probably always need an OW in his life and he has pretty much figured this out; meaning, he will cheat on you if he replaces his W with you. What is easier for him? Only having to let down one wife. Leaving her for you, marrying you, and having you find out who he really is is too much work for him. I don't say this about all MM. I get this feeling about yours. Listen to the voice of experience. You are not the first and you will not be the last. Right now you are the best because you are there and he counts on your emotions being on his side. If and when your emotions subside, I am inclined to believe he would accept you as a FWB (friend with benefits). Test him on this one some time. I'll bet you ten bucks he's OK with it. (But he needs to believe your feelings have truly faded for it to work). And good for his W that she has found someone else for herself. Now they can have an open marriage and they still look good to all of their friends and family. That's the way it works in our society; our society supports appearances. I wish my exMM's W could have found someone who would be excited to meet her in a hotel room and please her like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure she deserves it. You asked how MPs go home to their spouses and act like everything is normal after being with us? You sound like a real and genuine person. You wear your heart on your sleeve. Whatever is on your mind spills out of your mouth. People trust you and can confide in you. But MM and his W have figured out that it is just easier to keep the M together so they can have their cake and eat it too. I'm sure his W wants her OM all to herself, but he may be a cake-eater too. Again, cake-eaters are born of our society's need for appearances. So, in answer to your question, if society were a little more open about open marriages or having it be OK to have OWs and OMs, there would be no need to act one way with you and another way at home. Until society changes, MPs will have to divorce and lose everything including money and respect in order to D for the OP, or stay and put up with it all and create some fun on the side. You sound too real and too genuine to put up with the secrecy for much longer. Hang in there and do the right thing for you. And kudos for going back to school!
Author SeaBrooke Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 Whiteflower: omg, you do understand. It all didn't start out as FWB, but it sure seems to have evloved to that. It's something I am not comfortable with. He talks all the time of never being without me. But he won't leave her either. Has spoken of how he has two familys, meaning his own and then mine. It messes with my head so much. HE knows I love him. Although I never would have said the words to him, but he said them to me first, a long time ago. All those things you said about me being a genuine person etc. That's one of the things he said he loves about me. That I am so real and passionate about life, my aughter and smile is infectious, all in all I believed these things, because until recently I've been a very happy person. I am hurt and angry today, I've been so caught up in my feelings about all of this for so long now. I am not dealing with important things in my own world the way I once did. I hope I snap out of it soon. I'm trying too. Your answer brought me a lot of comfort. Thank you so much for reaching out to me.
White Flower Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 Whiteflower: omg, you do understand. It all didn't start out as FWB, but it sure seems to have evloved to that. It's something I am not comfortable with. He talks all the time of never being without me. But he won't leave her either. Has spoken of how he has two familys, meaning his own and then mine. It messes with my head so much. HE knows I love him. Although I never would have said the words to him, but he said them to me first, a long time ago. All those things you said about me being a genuine person etc. That's one of the things he said he loves about me. That I am so real and passionate about life, my aughter and smile is infectious, all in all I believed these things, because until recently I've been a very happy person. I am hurt and angry today, I've been so caught up in my feelings about all of this for so long now. I am not dealing with important things in my own world the way I once did. I hope I snap out of it soon. I'm trying too. Your answer brought me a lot of comfort. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You are welcome, sweetie. I really identify with you. The genuine personality, the laughter, the honesty...the player loves these attributes and is enthralled by them because they do not possess them themselves. They are fascinated by us, by our wholehearted and all-giving love. They know they don't deserve it and so they show their appreciation by acting like they worship you and can't let you go. Your realness is refreshing to their soul. They want to be more like you, but can't; so they keep you close to remind them what real is. If they weren't just players, they would actually leave for you because of that appreciation. You just may be 'the one' for him, but deep down he doesn't want you to find out who he really is. Otherwise he would 'man up' and ask you to spend the rest of his life with him. Why do that when you're so giving and willing to be the OW? Try to focus on things that matter and I will too. I'm off to the lawyer's office AGAIN to settle divorce matters so keep your fingers crossed for me and I will be thinking of you. Hugs, WF.
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