Boyfriend's lack of ambition is killing my life

[Art_Critic]

LoveStruck..

 

Have you thought about pulling away some.. not doing a 180 or breaking up, but making yourself more scarce than normal.

Don't return his calls right away, go out with the friends more, that kind of thing.

 

What do you think his reaction would be ?.. in other words.. is he invested at all in your relationship or is he all about himself right now ?

[lovestruck818]

LoveStruck..

 

Have you thought about pulling away some.. not doing a 180 or breaking up, but making yourself more scarce than normal.

Don't return his calls right away, go out with the friends more, that kind of thing.

 

What do you think his reaction would be ?.. in other words.. is he invested at all in your relationship or is he all about himself right now ?

 

Well, THAT's a whole other issue...he has never answered my texts or e-mails from day one and is not romantic at all- he's just that way, always has been and wont change. He calls me but he hates the phone in general...he'll only call if he wants to see me, which is a lot, but we don't really have long conversations on the phone (I'm not a big phone fan myself).

 

I don't think it would have any effect on him really b/c I do that stuff anyway. Being unemployed would allow him to have more time to work on his hobby, that is, until the funds run out...

[lovestruck818]

No, I don't live on Long Island. Where I'm from the average sales price of a single-family home is over 1.7 million. Where I live now, the average price of a single-family home is approximately 1.4 million.

 

I know plenty of young people with modest or very modest incomes that don't live at home. They typically have roommates. They might also move to a less-expensive part of town where they can afford to rent, or buy.

 

I'm sure, though, that we can agree to disagree about the appropriateness of living at home in one's mid-20s. And I did not use the word pathetic.

 

Either way, there's a difference between you and your boyfriend. You were working and saving to buy your own home. He is living at home because it makes it possible for him to not be too concerned about not earning a living.

 

My point, on your behalf, being that I see a lot of people who have different visions for their lives, including different expectations for levels of ambition in their partners.

 

And while I may have gone overboard in my presentation of my friend's experience with her husband's problems, I guess my intent is to encourage us all to know the pros and cons of the person that we're with before we get married to them. You were talking about marriage with him back in May after dating for only six months so that's why my brain went there.

 

Love, there is nothing wrong with being giving and generous. I am the same way. But I will stand by the advice that you give with your eyes open. Givers are often taken advantage of, and trust me, it gets old after a while.

 

And these people who are affording these single-family homes, are they single or married? It's a lot easier to afford a nice home when you are married. You have to realise I am not married, and I live alone, and am doing this all on my own...

[lovestruck818]

OK so whoever said he was livng at home is irresponsible, well what else is he supposed to do/ He doesn't have a job now.

 

Not even that, Once...some people live at home to save money. In most cases, they are actually being RESPONSIBLE, as opposed to throwing away their money on rent.

 

But, in his case, yeah just irresponsibility on all accounts.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Are you saying my job isn't comparable in a favourable way to his? B/c you are wrong if that's the case...considering that I put myself through college, work as hard as i can and long hours, and was able in 3.5 years time to buy myself a house...and still have money left over to do all the things I want, take trips, own a car and have money to take him out.

I'm saying he went to school to be a lawyer, and now he's realized he doesn't want to be a lawyer. It's not as easy as "ok, I'll just go find a new direction in life now!" He's probably disconcerted and confused, doesn't know what to do next, and isn't qualified/educated to do anything else (assumptions, of course--but I think they're fair ones).

 

It's not a contest about how successful you are compared to him--that sort of attitude is destructive in realtionships.

[Krytie TV]

I wonder how much more there is to this story. What his side of the story would look like.

[vonerik012]

LOL.

 

 

The "saving for a home excuse".. If the homes are a million dollars, or whatever they are, will saving 10,000-15,000 a year on rent really put him within close reach? You said he pays rent at home anyway.

 

As you can see, since he lives at home, he has the freedom to quit and play all day. That's part of the reason people SHOULD move out when they are 26.

 

However, you also do not get the point. You are a sales girl. What if all of a sudden you HATE sales. What other job will you get?

 

It is even much more severe for him, as he studied to be a lawyer, and now hates law. Should he just take a low level sales job to make you happy? Would you be happy?

 

It's like someone becoming a surgeon, then discovering they hate it. Then you tell them "Hey, just fill out some applications and try something new" a week or 2 later.

 

I can also see his entire life he will be in competition with you, seeing who "makes more".. Wonderful.

[Shygirl15]

Lovestruck, I'm confused. Is this the same guy you appear to defend when your mom suggested he be a man and pay/drive on dates, on your other thread?

[lovestruck818]

Lovestruck, I'm confused. Is this the same guy you appear to defend when your mom suggested he be a man and pay/drive on dates, on your other thread?

 

Yes.......

[lovestruck818]

LOL.

 

 

The "saving for a home excuse".. If the homes are a million dollars, or whatever they are, will saving 10,000-15,000 a year on rent really put him within close reach? You said he pays rent at home anyway.

 

As you can see, since he lives at home, he has the freedom to quit and play all day. That's part of the reason people SHOULD move out when they are 26.

 

However, you also do not get the point. You are a sales girl. What if all of a sudden you HATE sales. What other job will you get?

 

It is even much more severe for him, as he studied to be a lawyer, and now hates law. Should he just take a low level sales job to make you happy? Would you be happy?

 

It's like someone becoming a surgeon, then discovering they hate it. Then you tell them "Hey, just fill out some applications and try something new" a week or 2 later.

 

I can also see his entire life he will be in competition with you, seeing who "makes more".. Wonderful.

 

Doesn't matter if I wake up and I hate sales one morning, b/c even if that does happen, bottom line is that's my job and I have to do it whether I like it or not. You can't just quit things b/c you don't like them...

 

It's not even about the money...I stated that on my initial post. It is about the fact that I'm ambitious and he's not. Totally different issue.

[lovestruck818]

I'm saying he went to school to be a lawyer, and now he's realized he doesn't want to be a lawyer. It's not as easy as "ok, I'll just go find a new direction in life now!" He's probably disconcerted and confused, doesn't know what to do next, and isn't qualified/educated to do anything else (assumptions, of course--but I think they're fair ones).

 

It's not a contest about how successful you are compared to him--that sort of attitude is destructive in realtionships.

 

The issue isn't really me against him...it's more of the fact that he is very smart and wonderful and yet he wants to do nothing with his life.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You're ambitious, he's not.

 

Do you think this will change? Are you concerned about his current unemployment status, or are you more concerned that this will be a continuing problem? If this is a trait that you have seen in the past and that may be a basic part of his personality, then, ultimately you will be very resentful of this guy.

 

NYC is full of ambitious men. You should be able to find one.

[Angel1111]

I say let him enjoy being unemployed and let him figure it out. He'll probably get sick of sitting around and not having any money to spend.

[Krytie TV]

It looks to me like it just comes down to a severe difference in beliefs, perhaps. You seem to be the type of person that would sacrifice your personal well-being/happiness for the sake of pulling down good money (based on your "just work" mindset), and he doesn't. That's just not a good combination.

[lino]

You are exactly right- he WANTED to lose his job...it was only a matter of time before he actually did.

 

doesn't sound good at all.

Why not just quit?

[lovestruck818]

doesn't sound good at all.

Why not just quit?

 

yeah, I have no idea...never asked. I would have been able to accept that better.

[MarieD]

Wow, Lovestruck, sorry that you have to go through this!! It would obviously bother me if my BF had no ambition. I think you should sit him down & talk to him about it & tell him that his lack of ambition is bothering you. Be open & honest with him about how u feel.

 

I also would give him some time, he could be very upset that he was fired.

Give it another month & see if anything changes. If not, then i would have a heart to heart talk with him.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

U could always email me on the side if u need to talk to someone!!

[lovestruck818]

Wow, Lovestruck, sorry that you have to go through this!! It would obviously bother me if my BF had no ambition. I think you should sit him down & talk to him about it & tell him that his lack of ambition is bothering you. Be open & honest with him about how u feel.

 

I also would give him some time, he could be very upset that he was fired.

Give it another month & see if anything changes. If not, then i would have a heart to heart talk with him.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

U could always email me on the side if u need to talk to someone!!

 

Marie- he's not upset about it b/c he WANTED it to happen...that's why I'm so angry about it. He intentionally got himself fired b/c he just didn't care. he should have just quit and started looking for something else, but he didn't want to be bothered with showing up to work on time, and dressing up and taking the lunch break he was supposed to be taking...

 

How hard is it to do what you are asked to do...esp. when you are being given a nice salary and company benefits.

[MarieD]

OH ok i see! Yeah i think i would be really upset too!

I say wait a month & see what he does & if nothing changes, TALK time!

[Grrlish]

And these people who are affording these single-family homes, are they single or married? It's a lot easier to afford a nice home when you are married. You have to realise I am not married, and I live alone, and am doing this all on my own...

 

Love, what I was getting at is that there are a lot more expensive places to live than Long Island, and it doesn't mean that everyone lives at home until they can afford to buy one of these homes (single or married).

 

I have given you kudos for your notable accomplishments. It sounds like you had a plan, vision, or something for yourself. Very admirable.

 

I don't know you but I was offering input to the effect that I hope you are careful and choose a partner with whom you don't have ongoing conflicts about finances, employment, and things of the nature about which you are writing here.

[Grrlish]

LOL.

 

 

The "saving for a home excuse".. If the homes are a million dollars, or whatever they are, will saving 10,000-15,000 a year on rent really put him within close reach? You said he pays rent at home anyway.

 

As you can see, since he lives at home, he has the freedom to quit and play all day. That's part of the reason people SHOULD move out when they are 26.

 

 

Love indicated that starter homes in her geographic area are around $400,000. Generally, these days, including insurance, taxes, etc., the payment on a loan is back to being approximately $1,000/100K per month. If he saves $15K/year and reduces his payment to $3,000/mo, it will take him about 7 years to save up that down payment.

 

I completely agree with Vonerik on this.

 

Living at home (without a plan that is being enacted) affords one luxuries of being a child, not an adult.

 

 

Love: It seems to me that saving up to buy a home is not a key topic in this discussion. What I, and I think Vonerik, too, am getting at is that doing so without an exit plan indicates that there is not much desire to get out on his own and be self-sufficient.

 

I don't think I've seen you write that he has an exit plan, and if he does, it's not being followed.

 

Again, him saving up to buy a home does not seem to be a key topic in this discussion. But you seem to be expressing the very concerns that we are trying to give input on. Namely, his lack of ambition and living at home without an exit plan is, as I said, an indication of this.

 

You can certainly defend him living at home all you want but you are defending an action on his part that is linked to your main concern. You are defending the fact that he is living at home with his parents when this is one of the very actions on his part that made it easier for him to choose to intentionally get fired from his job.

 

Since you have already been discussing marriage with this guy, and you're already investing in a home, I'm thinking that you're not so much interested in him saving up and buying his OWN home. More, it makes sense that if the two of you were to get married that he is able to contribute to a shared home; likely the one that you recently moved into. And that is the perspective from which my input is coming from.

 

Can this person be a good partner for life?

 

And what is the status of your marriage plans with this person? Back in May, you were seriously thinking of marriage already.

[lovestruck818]

Love indicated that starter homes in her geographic area are around $400,000. Generally, these days, including insurance, taxes, etc., the payment on a loan is back to being approximately $1,000/100K per month. If he saves $15K/year and reduces his payment to $3,000/mo, it will take him about 7 years to save up that down payment.

 

I completely agree with Vonerik on this.

 

Living at home (without a plan that is being enacted) affords one luxuries of being a child, not an adult.

 

 

Love: It seems to me that saving up to buy a home is not a key topic in this discussion. What I, and I think Vonerik, too, am getting at is that doing so without an exit plan indicates that there is not much desire to get out on his own and be self-sufficient.

 

I don't think I've seen you write that he has an exit plan, and if he does, it's not being followed.

 

Again, him saving up to buy a home does not seem to be a key topic in this discussion. But you seem to be expressing the very concerns that we are trying to give input on. Namely, his lack of ambition and living at home without an exit plan is, as I said, an indication of this.

 

You can certainly defend him living at home all you want but you are defending an action on his part that is linked to your main concern. You are defending the fact that he is living at home with his parents when this is one of the very actions on his part that made it easier for him to choose to intentionally get fired from his job.

 

Since you have already been discussing marriage with this guy, and you're already investing in a home, I'm thinking that you're not so much interested in him saving up and buying his OWN home. More, it makes sense that if the two of you were to get married that he is able to contribute to a shared home; likely the one that you recently moved into. And that is the perspective from which my input is coming from.

 

Can this person be a good partner for life?

 

And what is the status of your marriage plans with this person? Back in May, you were seriously thinking of marriage already.

 

Thank you, grrlish- you brought up some interesting points.

 

My initial thinking is that I would like to marry him and have he and I buy a house together. While I love my house, it is a bit small, I would want something a bit bigger and a bit more kid-friendly.

 

The reason I defend him living at so much is b/c I also did too and when he gets flack for that, so do I, and marie...and a lot of others b/c the truth of the matter is that a lot of people do live at home- plain & simple. I brought my house into this b/c liivng at home clearly allowed me to be able to save to afford that house. As far as my boyfriend having an exit plan as far as getting out of the house, that I don't know I didn't really ask him, but if marries me, I suppose he doesn't really need one.

 

I agree my need to be self-sufficient is way more of a priority than his is. Then again, he also has school loans to pay so he prob feels like he can't really afford to move out.

[Grrlish]

It looks to me like it just comes down to a severe difference in beliefs, perhaps. You seem to be the type of person that would sacrifice your personal well-being/happiness for the sake of pulling down good money (based on your "just work" mindset), and he doesn't. That's just not a good combination.

 

In all fairness, and IMHO, I don't see how pulling down good money is an automatic trade-off with one's personal well-being/happiness. I pull down good money and I don't have a 'just work' mindset by any means.

 

I do hope, for Love, that she can get to a point of reducing the number of hours that she puts in at the office. But I can understand that she is willing to work hard to have what she wants.

 

I do agree, and this is the point that I keep trying to make, that having strong differences in beliefs when it comes to work, ambition, income, etc. can be trouble in the long run.

 

Love, if the case is that he has a very different perspective on these things than you (and not that this is just a temporary glitch for him) you will need to figure out if how that plays out will be okay with you in regard to having children, having the 'things' that you want (and there's nothing wrong with that), etc.

 

A good friend of mine married her first husband when we were around 25. She is much like you. Willing to work hard to have what she wants and to support the lifestyle that she wants.

 

I think that she assumed that he would be willing to do whatever it took to attain and maintain the lifestyle that she had in mind. I think that there were signs that they weren't on the same page but she couldn't quite grasp why he had or that he even was okay with having a lot less ambition that she had.

 

An accountant by education and work experience, he kept putting off testing for his CPA. He eventually quit his job, deciding that he did not enjoy accounting anymore. He went to work for an insurance company, doing sales. Or, rather, not making sales because he didn't put in the time and effort necessary. They eventually cut him loose and he wound up delivering pizzas for, oh, I think a year or two.

 

Understand, they were married and had purchased a home together. There were bills and a mortgage to pay. She was carrying all of the financial responsibility for their life, realizing that there was no way that she was ever going to be able to have children with this man.

 

After 10 years of marriage, they got a divorce. She wound up responsible for all of their debt, largely brought on by his unemployment and lack of income, and he just walked away from everything, scott-free.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting more. There is nothing wrong with being okay with less. However, two people getting together with such opposing views need to be sure that they understand how this can play out.

 

Love, I'm not bad-mouthing him. I'm addressing concerns that you brought up here. I just want you to make the best choices for you. Right now, that is your 'job'. He is obviously making the choices that he feels are best for him.

[lovestruck818]

In all fairness, and IMHO, I don't see how pulling down good money is an automatic trade-off with one's personal well-being/happiness. I pull down good money and I don't have a 'just work' mindset by any means.

 

I do hope, for Love, that she can get to a point of reducing the number of hours that she puts in at the office. But I can understand that she is willing to work hard to have what she wants.

 

I do agree, and this is the point that I keep trying to make, that having strong differences in beliefs when it comes to work, ambition, income, etc. can be trouble in the long run.

 

Love, if the case is that he has a very different perspective on these things than you (and not that this is just a temporary glitch for him) you will need to figure out if how that plays out will be okay with you in regard to having children, having the 'things' that you want (and there's nothing wrong with that), etc.

 

A good friend of mine married her first husband when we were around 25. She is much like you. Willing to work hard to have what she wants and to support the lifestyle that she wants.

 

I think that she assumed that he would be willing to do whatever it took to attain and maintain the lifestyle that she had in mind. I think that there were signs that they weren't on the same page but she couldn't quite grasp why he had or that he even was okay with having a lot less ambition that she had.

 

An accountant by education and work experience, he kept putting off testing for his CPA. He eventually quit his job, deciding that he did not enjoy accounting anymore. He went to work for an insurance company, doing sales. Or, rather, not making sales because he didn't put in the time and effort necessary. They eventually cut him loose and he wound up delivering pizzas for, oh, I think a year or two.

 

Understand, they were married and had purchased a home together. There were bills and a mortgage to pay. She was carrying all of the financial responsibility for their life, realizing that there was no way that she was ever going to be able to have children with this man.

 

After 10 years of marriage, they got a divorce. She wound up responsible for all of their debt, largely brought on by his unemployment and lack of income, and he just walked away from everything, scott-free.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting more. There is nothing wrong with being okay with less. However, two people getting together with such opposing views need to be sure that they understand how this can play out.

 

Love, I'm not bad-mouthing him. I'm addressing concerns that you brought up here. I just want you to make the best choices for you. Right now, that is your 'job'. He is obviously making the choices that he feels are best for him.

 

As much as I do work a ton of hours and there are times I want to bang my head against the wall for doing so, it is allowing me to have the lifestyle that I want and love and that's why I do it. I am not a millionaire- I don't make that good of a salary- but with all this OT, I can get by affording my house and bills and still have money left over to take trips and go out to eat and have a life. By the same token, I do not live in the lap of luxury. I own a Hyundai, I live in a small to medium sized home, and I don't go to ridiculously expensive restaurants. I know my financial means and I spend within them.

 

I don't think his lack of ambition is a dealbreaker...b/c honestly I do love him, he treats me well, he's a real sweet guy...and those to me are qualities that are important to me when it comes to picking a mate...but I do wonder and worry about him if he keeps up this behaviour...and abour our life together should we make one in the future. I don't mind providing for him every once in a while, but if I keep doing so, truthfully I'd be worried that at some point it would run out.

 

The sad thing is that today in 2008, it's so hard to get by on just one person's income. Both people are now having to work...and it only gets harder once kids enter the picture.

[lovestruck818]

ughhh

 

so, besides the lack of ambition...sometimes people are not what you think.

 

I had cooked up an amazing dinner for the 2 of us last night- stir fry beef, veggies, noodles, rice, my famous sangria and watermelon for dessert (keepin' it healthy is key!).

 

He said he liked the dinner b/c I asked him but overall didn't receive a thank you or appreciation, gratitude or anything.

 

Furthermore, while I can admit it's pretty dorky, I had a few hours last week of extra time (which is rare for me) and decided to pick up a craft @ michael's and make it for him. I ended up making a birdhouse, in which i covered w/ cut outs from magazines of things he likes. I glazed it over with a glaze as well. I worked hard on it, spent about 7 hours of time on it and was priud of my creation. When I gave it to him, he just laughed and said "I don't want this- what the hell am I going to do with a birdhouse?"...apparantly forgetting that things cost money and use up valuable time.

 

THis just irritated me to no end b/c i work hard on everything in my life and I don't need it spit back in my face.

 

Just a rant. You don't need to respond if you don't want to.

 

Still no ambition from my counterpart.