Boyfriend's lack of ambition is killing my life

[vonerik012]

Ok, let me ask you this..

 

Basically you are struggling. By that I mean you work 14-15 hours a day to pay bills. Maybe that is what you consider "ambitious". But to me it is very unhealthy. You work from 7 am until 10pm?

 

So, would you be happy with any guy who did not also work his life away? What if you met a nice guy who worked 8 hour days? When could he see you? Maybe you are not perfect relationship material?

 

And what kind of relationship can 2 people have that work 15 hours a day?

[lovestruck818]

Ok, let me ask you this..

 

Basically you are struggling. By that I mean you work 14-15 hours a day to pay bills. Maybe that is what you consider "ambitious". But to me it is very unhealthy. You work from 7 am until 10pm?

 

So, would you be happy with any guy who did not also work his life away? What if you met a nice guy who worked 8 hour days? When could he see you? Maybe you are not perfect relationship material?

 

And what kind of relationship can 2 people have that work 15 hours a day?

 

I am not struggling nor do I work 14-15 hours a day to pay my bills. I did to get my house initially, to get a downpayment, now I work slightly less...but it's not to pay the mortgage really b/c I could pay that working 8 hours a day. I work a lot of hours b/c I want to and b/c I like to have the extra money. I only see my boyfriend on the weekends anyway, and yeah an guy who worked 8 hours would be fine...but right now my boyfriend is working 0.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Just out of curiosity, what professional, highly regarded managerial role pays by the hour? Since I became a professional (and worked in management) it's all been salaried.

 

I wish I could get OT!

[BUENG1]

Just out of curiosity, what professional, highly regarded managerial role pays by the hour? Since I became a professional (and worked in management) it's all been salaried.

 

I wish I could get OT!

 

Ha I was thinking the same thing! Though I know of someone who is an engineer(not management but considered professional) who gets OT.

[Trialbyfire]

Just out of curiosity, what professional, highly regarded managerial role pays by the hour? Since I became a professional (and worked in management) it's all been salaried.

 

I wish I could get OT!

None that I'm aware of! The only thing that remotely resembles OT for management roles are incentive bonuses and/or percentage of net profit earned, etc.

[Blue Strawberry]

She says she's a lawyer so maybe she can bill clients for the time? Not sure.

[lovestruck818]

She says she's a lawyer so maybe she can bill clients for the time? Not sure.

 

I'm not a lawyer...I didn't say I was, my boyfriend was! Lol.

 

I work in sales...sales mgr.

[Jilly Bean]

I honestly do not understand why Lovestruck is continuing to be villified in this thread and have every comment challenged.

 

LS, for what it's worth - I TOTALLY agree with your position. I would not be thrilled if my BF suddenly took too well to sitting on the couch while he decides what he wants to do next.

 

Clearly, he wasn't happy being an attorney. I imagine now he is feeling a bit dejected, as NO ONE enjoys being fired - even if its from a job they hate.

 

I'd give him a month to decide what he wants to do next, get over the hurt of being let go, and re-motivate. If it starts going beyond that time, I'd start humping him on it. But until then, I'd let him work through it on his own.

[jcrew]

If it starts going beyond that time, I'd start humping him on it..

 

Sorry, I don't mean to go OT here, but I thought this wording was hilarious. So much so that I read it aloud to my hubby (who posts here as Keridan), and he said I was obligated to point out the funny of her "humping him on it".

[Blue Strawberry]

Basically he has to want it for himself.

I lost a job once and I went into a depressive funk but believe you me, I was spending my newfound "freetime" sending out resumes....now I have a better job. In hindsight, losing my job was great but it was one of the worst times of my life.

[Krytie TV]

I can see this from both sides, but I only have one comment really. I can relate to finding yourself unemployed from a job you hated only to realize that you have just wasted many years of your life and more money than you'll ever earn to get into a career you absolutely hate. OP, I would challenge you to face this situation and see just how quickly you would be wanting to get back into that game.

 

Maybe he needs to stop, accept what he did to get to this point, and decide how to fix it and move on with his life in a way he can come to peace with.

[loveinlife]

Like Rooster said, he just lost his job. give him a break. Maybe he just needs some time to think things through.. he is an attorney. he worked really hard to get where he is at. chill a lil bit?

[lovestruck818]

I can see this from both sides, but I only have one comment really. I can relate to finding yourself unemployed from a job you hated only to realize that you have just wasted many years of your life and more money than you'll ever earn to get into a career you absolutely hate. OP, I would challenge you to face this situation and see just how quickly you would be wanting to get back into that game.

 

Maybe he needs to stop, accept what he did to get to this point, and decide how to fix it and move on with his life in a way he can come to peace with.

 

I would absolutely immediately jump back into the game. I would not want to be unemployed for even 1 second. Thank god, I have a stable job that I don't really have to worry about...and to boot, a job that I love and work hard at.

 

I work a lot & clearly I like it, so no, being unemployed for me would not be fun in the slightest...plus I imagine it would do some damage to my self-esteem...

[lovestruck818]

Furthermore, it is one thing to try & try & try & not succeed, but it is an entirely different thing to not even try...

[lovestruck818]

I honestly do not understand why Lovestruck is continuing to be villified in this thread and have every comment challenged.

 

LS, for what it's worth - I TOTALLY agree with your position. I would not be thrilled if my BF suddenly took too well to sitting on the couch while he decides what he wants to do next.

 

Clearly, he wasn't happy being an attorney. I imagine now he is feeling a bit dejected, as NO ONE enjoys being fired - even if its from a job they hate.

 

I'd give him a month to decide what he wants to do next, get over the hurt of being let go, and re-motivate. If it starts going beyond that time, I'd start humping him on it. But until then, I'd let him work through it on his own.

 

But that's the problem, Jilly...he WANTED to get fired from that job, he did every possible thing he could do to try & get himself fired....& now that he did so, he is loving it! Why he didn't just quit, I don't know. It looks a lot worse to have gotten fired than to say "I just quit." I at least could have come to better terms with that.

[Jilly Bean]

Sounds like a lot of open defiance right there. Like a very Rambo thing to do. Let's see how far he can push it before they kick him out. It's SUCH a Manny move...

 

I'd still give him a month to sort through it.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I would absolutely immediately jump back into the game. I would not want to be unemployed for even 1 second. Thank god, I have a stable job that I don't really have to worry about...and to boot, a job that I love and work hard at.

I think it's different for a lawyer then for someone who works in sales. Lawyers have to go through a lot of school. People in sales do not. If you lost your job, you could find another that doesn't require schooling. He not only lost a job, but all the years he spend in school to become a lawyer. It's really very different.

[Grrlish]

Well, the living at home thing may not be ok for you, but then again I am about 99.9% sure you don't live on Long Island. Average houses here cost about $400k and that's for a small starter house in a decent area. It's way easier for someone from let's say, the midwest or upstate NY or something to afford to rent or buy than it is in the NYC/lower NY/NJ area. Most people here actually live at home at least into their late 20's. I was able to move out & buy a house b/c I work 14-15 hour days and gave up a lot of my social life & fun to do so. Living at home doesn't make anyone pathetic, no matter what his/her occupation is.

 

As far as his depression goes, he is on meds so it's not like whenever I see him he is depressed- quite the opposite actually, which means the meds are working.

 

And you are right in that, yes I give a lot and probably don't receive nearly half of what I should, but I am generous by nature and when I love someone whether it be a family member, significant other or a friend, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Call it my biggest flaw, but hey no one is perfect.

 

No, I don't live on Long Island. Where I'm from the average sales price of a single-family home is over 1.7 million. Where I live now, the average price of a single-family home is approximately 1.4 million.

 

I know plenty of young people with modest or very modest incomes that don't live at home. They typically have roommates. They might also move to a less-expensive part of town where they can afford to rent, or buy.

 

I'm sure, though, that we can agree to disagree about the appropriateness of living at home in one's mid-20s. And I did not use the word pathetic.

 

Either way, there's a difference between you and your boyfriend. You were working and saving to buy your own home. He is living at home because it makes it possible for him to not be too concerned about not earning a living.

 

My point, on your behalf, being that I see a lot of people who have different visions for their lives, including different expectations for levels of ambition in their partners.

 

And while I may have gone overboard in my presentation of my friend's experience with her husband's problems, I guess my intent is to encourage us all to know the pros and cons of the person that we're with before we get married to them. You were talking about marriage with him back in May after dating for only six months so that's why my brain went there.

 

Love, there is nothing wrong with being giving and generous. I am the same way. But I will stand by the advice that you give with your eyes open. Givers are often taken advantage of, and trust me, it gets old after a while.

[Grrlish]

But that's the problem, Jilly...he WANTED to get fired from that job, he did every possible thing he could do to try & get himself fired....& now that he did so, he is loving it! Why he didn't just quit, I don't know. It looks a lot worse to have gotten fired than to say "I just quit." I at least could have come to better terms with that.

 

If he got fired, perhaps he's collecting unemployment? This is one reason that plenty of people would rather get fired than quit.

[Art_Critic]

I think it's different for a lawyer then for someone who works in sales. Lawyers have to go through a lot of school. People in sales do not. If you lost your job, you could find another that doesn't require schooling. He not only lost a job, but all the years he spend in school to become a lawyer. It's really very different.

 

Yeah.. so what ?... does that mean someone who has a college education can sit at home and do nothing about their career where the mere salesrep has to go out right away and work for a living..

 

While I agree that someone might have to refocus themselves and take some time off I get a different picture being painted by the OP..

 

He sits at home doing whatever.. he lost his job on purpose.. his dress and hygiene are in question.

 

He isn't at home reflecting..

 

I think he is depressed..

[lovestruck818]

Yeah.. so what ?... does that mean someone who has a college education can sit at home and do nothing about their career where the mere salesrep has to go out right away and work for a living..

 

While I agree that someone might have to refocus themselves and take some time off I get a different picture being painted by the OP..

 

He sits at home doing whatever.. he lost his job on purpose.. his dress and hygiene are in question.

 

He isn't at home reflecting..

 

I think he is depressed..

 

For one, I do have an education and two, "mere" is hardly the right word to describe my job...considering I make more a year than he ever did...

[lovestruck818]

If he got fired, perhaps he's collecting unemployment? This is one reason that plenty of people would rather get fired than quit.

 

Either way, I believe you could collect unemployment- not entirely sure how that works...but even still, the amt he would get frim unemployment would be nothing compared to what he was making at the job. One can only make a living on unemployment for so long...

[lovestruck818]

No, I don't live on Long Island. Where I'm from the average sales price of a single-family home is over 1.7 million. Where I live now, the average price of a single-family home is approximately 1.4 million.

 

I know plenty of young people with modest or very modest incomes that don't live at home. They typically have roommates. They might also move to a less-expensive part of town where they can afford to rent, or buy.

 

I'm sure, though, that we can agree to disagree about the appropriateness of living at home in one's mid-20s. And I did not use the word pathetic.

 

Either way, there's a difference between you and your boyfriend. You were working and saving to buy your own home. He is living at home because it makes it possible for him to not be too concerned about not earning a living.

 

My point, on your behalf, being that I see a lot of people who have different visions for their lives, including different expectations for levels of ambition in their partners.

 

And while I may have gone overboard in my presentation of my friend's experience with her husband's problems, I guess my intent is to encourage us all to know the pros and cons of the person that we're with before we get married to them. You were talking about marriage with him back in May after dating for only six months so that's why my brain went there.

 

Love, there is nothing wrong with being giving and generous. I am the same way. But I will stand by the advice that you give with your eyes open. Givers are often taken advantage of, and trust me, it gets old after a while.

 

That's my point though...people live at home to save money so they DON'T have to live with roommates....

[lovestruck818]

Yeah.. so what ?... does that mean someone who has a college education can sit at home and do nothing about their career where the mere salesrep has to go out right away and work for a living..

 

While I agree that someone might have to refocus themselves and take some time off I get a different picture being painted by the OP..

 

He sits at home doing whatever.. he lost his job on purpose.. his dress and hygiene are in question.

 

He isn't at home reflecting..

 

I think he is depressed..

 

You are exactly right- he WANTED to lose his job...it was only a matter of time before he actually did.

 

And we already established he's depressed, he's taking meds for it b/c the job made him that way...but around me, he is totally fine.

[lovestruck818]

I think it's different for a lawyer then for someone who works in sales. Lawyers have to go through a lot of school. People in sales do not. If you lost your job, you could find another that doesn't require schooling. He not only lost a job, but all the years he spend in school to become a lawyer. It's really very different.

 

Are you saying my job isn't comparable in a favourable way to his? B/c you are wrong if that's the case...considering that I put myself through college, work as hard as i can and long hours, and was able in 3.5 years time to buy myself a house...and still have money left over to do all the things I want, take trips, own a car and have money to take him out.