Boyfriend's lack of ambition is killing my life

[lovestruck818]

Cherry Blossom, excellent post...

 

I was going to ask the same... Why is it SOOOO important to YOU that he is ambitious, striving.. etc. What for?

 

He already accomplished more than most, and at a young age.

 

He has NO kids and lives at home with his parents. This would be an excellent time for him to think, travel, or do WHATEVER HE WANTS at his own pace. Many kids in Europe (since they aren't trapped into school loans) take a couple years off experiencing life. Thats healthy.

 

You admitted the depression started when he was at his new job. HE EVEN HAD TO START TAKING MEDS IT WAS SO BAD. If you cared at all, you would be happy that he has exited an environment that was TOXIC to him.

 

So now you want this guy to hurry up and find something new?. WHY? Are you ashamed to say your boyfriend does not have a job? is that why it is killing you? Are you worried about his health? And him? Or just want him to work evenj if it drives him to insanity?

 

Someone WHO CARED would have started a thread "How can I get my boyfriend to quit a job that is driving him into depression"

 

Ambition is an attractive quality to have. I don't think it's unreasonable that I would like that quality in a lover...

[vonerik012]

Women are far more prone to depression than men, and men deal with women going through that all the time. You know, how every woman these days seems to be on Prozac, xanax, paxil, or has a baby and goes through "post partum" depression. Pathetic.

 

If he just started taking meds, that probably screwed him up more than anything.

 

So this is what it seems like. You are anxious now, because you thought you landed your "professional, educated" man, that will one day become Mr. Successful attorney, and it isn't panning out. I notice on other threads how "Status" and what others think is also very important to you.

 

Well, now you are dating a man with no job, and possibly no career.. Do you love the men you date? Or as I assumed, simply want to be with someone that you can brag to friends about?

[HiItsMe]

Well, now you are dating a man with no job, and possibly no career.. Do you love the men you date? Or as I assumed, simply want to be with someone that you can brag to friends about?

 

 

That's a possibilty, its fu nny, it seems alot of pressure are put on men to find jobs OR, if they already have one....too a woman, if it isn't a "doctor" or "Lawyer" or any high status position.

 

Say if he's working asa teacher or computer techie....it's not enough for a female mate.

 

Actually, when I was laid off from a stress ful job I didn't like I was thinking it was more like a vacation to me, esp the FIRST month, but later I started job hunting.

 

And....apparently, todays "Economy" with all the lay offs and crap....it's no excuse for man to STILL not have a job....regardless.

 

Noticed the SLEW of lay offs that have occured ladies.....give us men a BREAK!

 

Alot of women are stay at home moms or stay at home single moms, and no one besmirches them for that.

 

It's okay for a woman to be unemployed, but a man? It's practically unHeard of....and they dont' seem to account for the recession.

[lovestruck818]

Women are far more prone to depression than men, and men deal with women going through that all the time. You know, how every woman these days seems to be on Prozac, xanax, paxil, or has a baby and goes through "post partum" depression. Pathetic.

 

If he just started taking meds, that probably screwed him up more than anything.

 

So this is what it seems like. You are anxious now, because you thought you landed your "professional, educated" man, that will one day become Mr. Successful attorney, and it isn't panning out. I notice on other threads how "Status" and what others think is also very important to you.

 

Well, now you are dating a man with no job, and possibly no career.. Do you love the men you date? Or as I assumed, simply want to be with someone that you can brag to friends about?

 

I believe i said earlier in this thread that i didn't date him solely b/c he was a lawyer...i fell in love with him for who he is as a person. What he does for a career is only moderately important. However, personality traits are very important. When I met him I thought he was a very ambitious guy, but he was hiding it very well for a long while

.

[lovestruck818]

That's a possibilty, its fu nny, it seems alot of pressure are put on men to find jobs OR, if they already have one....too a woman, if it isn't a "doctor" or "Lawyer" or any high status position.

 

Say if he's working asa teacher or computer techie....it's not enough for a female mate.

 

Actually, when I was laid off from a stress ful job I didn't like I was thinking it was more like a vacation to me, esp the FIRST month, but later I started job hunting.

 

And....apparently, todays "Economy" with all the lay offs and crap....it's no excuse for man to STILL not have a job....regardless.

 

Noticed the SLEW of lay offs that have occured ladies.....give us men a BREAK!

 

Alot of women are stay at home moms or stay at home single moms, and no one besmirches them for that.

 

It's okay for a woman to be unemployed, but a man? It's practically unHeard of....and they dont' seem to account for the recession.

 

IMO, It's really not ok for a woman to be unemployed either. I'm planning on working throughout my pregnancy and beyond, when that time comes.

[lovestruck818]

Women are far more prone to depression than men, and men deal with women going through that all the time. You know, how every woman these days seems to be on Prozac, xanax, paxil, or has a baby and goes through "post partum" depression. Pathetic.

 

If he just started taking meds, that probably screwed him up more than anything.

 

So this is what it seems like. You are anxious now, because you thought you landed your "professional, educated" man, that will one day become Mr. Successful attorney, and it isn't panning out. I notice on other threads how "Status" and what others think is also very important to you.

 

Well, now you are dating a man with no job, and possibly no career.. Do you love the men you date? Or as I assumed, simply want to be with someone that you can brag to friends about?

 

Why are you calling women who have post partum depression "pathetic"? I'd like to see how you'd be able to handle having a baby...

[lino]

I wouldn't imagine too many women can respect a man who doesn't want to work so I can't see why you will put up with it. Especially a guy who practically got himself fired!

If you're paying things for him and not pushing for him to get a job then it's no wonder that he doesn't want to go out and find work, he has it made!

I've been dumped for much less, I'm surprised you're putting up with it.

[HiItsMe]

I believe i said earlier in this thread that i didn't date him solely b/c he was a lawyer...i fell in love with him for who he is as a person. What he does for a career is only moderately important. However, personality traits are very important. When I met him I thought he was a very ambitious guy, but he was hiding it very well for a long while

.

 

Love struck....have you exhausted all options, is he just enjoying his unemployment for the time being? Perhaps he'll get antsy eventually?

[lovestruck818]

Love struck....have you exhausted all options, is he just enjoying his unemployment for the time being? Perhaps he'll get antsy eventually?

 

I am hoping anyway...I am hoping he runs out of money to do his hobby and then realises he needs to get his ass to gear, if anything, to at least save his hobby.

[Lucky555]

hey,

 

my brother did exactly what your bf did. However, don't support him, let him run out of money...he will look for a job that he wants.

 

So my brother was a bum like your bf for about three months..he didn't have ambition and he too hated the job he was at.

 

Well when he didn't have money thats when he started getting jobs. So he applied for jobs and now he has one that he lOVES going to. He is very ambitious now in his company and working on improving himself! It was a total turn around.

 

As you said your bf is smart and a good guy in general....don't take care of him financially and encourage him to find a job that he likes to do. Thats what i did. I don't take the credit but i can say support is necessary.

[Jilly Bean]

Why are you calling women who have post partum depression "pathetic"? I'd like to see how you'd be able to handle having a baby...

 

OMG, Love! Tom Cruise responded to your thread!

 

I don't know why you are being humped so hard for your feelings on this, honestly. What woman is happy with ANYONE in her life lying around and doing nothing? I am quite sure you would have the same feeling on anyone in this situation in your life - not just your bf... I know I would, and do!

[mental_traveller]

Amazingly judgemental comments on this thread. Just because someone hates their job and drops out doesn't mean they are a bum or a loser.

 

Lovestruck - chances are, he just hated his job, probably much more than you realised. That, plus stress, can trigger mild depression/burnout. I would suggest you immediately stop supporting him financially, and if possible kick his ass into gear. If he keeps bumming around, tell him you can't live with him like that

 

Basically he needs to get back on track - you can help with that, since right now he probably lacks the motivation. Be firm but supportive - try to avoid criticizing directly, instead try to make the idea of finding a new, better job, sound fun...something worth getting off his ass for. Help him draw up a CV and contact other places, or if necessary do a whole career review - he may want to totally change field.

 

Oh yeah, for everyone calling this guy a "loser" - how many of you have a 3.9 GPA? Odds are that in a few months or so he'll pull his socks up, find a job he actually likes, then go on to make a crapload more money than most of you who are insulting him. Who will be the bum then?

[Treasa]

Depression knows neither age nor gender. It doesn't automatically "go away" just because someone is out of his or her 20s, and it's no less severe when it's a man going through depression. It also doesn't automatically go away just because you take medication for it.

 

When I've had bouts of severe depression and anxiety, I could barely function, much less hold down a job.

 

It's true, a lot of people hate their jobs. But it's one thing to hate your job or be stressed, and another to dread going to your particular job so much that you literally have to take sleeping pills every single night just to avoid being an insomniac because otherwise you lay awake with fear all night.

 

In this case, you need to decide if you want to be with him enough that you're able to weather all of this. He may get a job, he may not. Does he otherwise treat you well? Does he make you feel good about yourself?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Amazingly judgemental comments on this thread. Just because someone hates their job and drops out doesn't mean they are a bum or a loser.

Agreed.

 

lovestruck, you said he just lost his job recently--have some patience! If he's gone to law school and devoted the majority of his education to a pursuit he's now realized he doesn't want enjoy, it's not easy to get right back into working again.

[jcrew]

OMG, Love! Tom Cruise responded to your thread!

 

 

LOL! Exactly what I thought when I read that! Or perhaps just a Scientologist.

[vonerik012]

Why are all the posters getting the idea that she is supporting him financially? She says she pays for dates sometimes. Thats it. Some men pay for dates 100% of the time. Some women always pay 50-50.

 

She chose to date a man that lives at home. While some feel that is ok, that is beside the point. Obviously, a man who lives at home has a security blanket, and DOES NOT HAVE to work if he does not choose to. It's not like he is going to be homeless.

 

It varies to certain degrees. I feel a small percentage of adults live at home and use that as a way to save money, and get ahead. I have noticed the vast majority use that to waste money in other ways, not work so hard, or just become complacent.

 

And about post partum.... 90% drama... I know american women that have a maid, a nanny, don't work, and still complain day and night about how hard it is..

 

It's funny, all these Mexican immigrants popping out kid after kid and you never hear the whining..They never even heard of this condition, similar to most of our grand parents. Now, every woman has it.

[Blue Strawberry]

OMG, Love! Tom Cruise responded to your thread!

 

I don't know why you are being humped so hard for your feelings on this, honestly. What woman is happy with ANYONE in her life lying around and doing nothing? I am quite sure you would have the same feeling on anyone in this situation in your life - not just your bf... I know I would, and do!

 

Yes that's the hypocricy of this board. If women have depression and are on meds, it's "pathetic," if men do, their depression is valid.

[Blue Strawberry]

She said she was paying for everything such as all dates, and buying him a lot of stuff. In another thread she talks about how she is happy she has a good career so she can have a lot of money to spend on her boyfriend.

 

Why are all the posters getting the idea that she is supporting him financially? She says she pays for dates sometimes. Thats it. Some men pay for dates 100% of the time. Some women always pay 50-50.

 

She chose to date a man that lives at home. While some feel that is ok, that is beside the point. Obviously, a man who lives at home has a security blanket, and DOES NOT HAVE to work if he does not choose to. It's not like he is going to be homeless.

 

It varies to certain degrees. I feel a small percentage of adults live at home and use that as a way to save money, and get ahead. I have noticed the vast majority use that to waste money in other ways, not work so hard, or just become complacent.

 

And about post partum.... 90% drama... I know american women that have a maid, a nanny, don't work, and still complain day and night about how hard it is..

 

It's funny, all these Mexican immigrants popping out kid after kid and you never hear the whining..They never even heard of this condition, similar to most of our grand parents. Now, every woman has it.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Good lord, how many aliases does woods really need?

 

You'd think he'd, at the very least, switch up his writing style...

[Jilly Bean]

Good lord, how many aliases does woods really need?

 

You'd think he'd, at the very least, switch up his writing style...

 

LOL. So far, I've counted three. You?

[Crestfallen_KH]

LOL. So far, I've counted three. You?

 

That what I have too.

 

Three people who write the same way...

Three people who misspell the same words...

Three people who reference the same studies....

Three people who use the same language...

 

It's either the same guy, or we have a case of triplets who all think the same.

[Jilly Bean]

That what I have too.

 

Three people who write the same way...

Three people who misspell the same words...

Three people who reference the same studies....

Three people who use the same language...

 

It's either the same guy, or we have a case of triplets who all think the same.

 

I think it's fabulous. When you realize you are losing arguments online, then just invent new personalities to support your position! Wouldn't that be fun to do in real life?

[vonerik012]

Blue..

 

She said he HAS money for some hobby of his. A woman paying on some dates is not a "sugar momma". If she is happy spending money on her boyfriend, let her have that happiness.

 

Actually, upon thinking further, I don't have much sympathy for the guy. He is well taken care of at home, and he has a law degree, all at the age of 26.

 

I have found that people who are "depressed" in these ways often times are spoiled, or have mommy and daddy to take care of them. So when the going gets rough, it is far easier to quit, than to fight through it.

[Grrlish]

I don't know why you are being humped so hard for your feelings on this, honestly. What woman is happy with ANYONE in her life lying around and doing nothing? I am quite sure you would have the same feeling on anyone in this situation in your life - not just your bf... I know I would, and do!

 

Finally! I agree with JB.

 

When I was in my early/mid-20s, I'd have been pretty distressed if my boyfriend at the time suddenly became unemployed, enjoyed it, and wasn't doing anything to change the situation.

 

A desire to hold a job is not the same as having overwhelming blind ambition, people.

 

And with apologies to the numerous attorneys that I am either friends with or work with, becoming an attorney does not fill your respectability or your ambition dance cards for the rest of your life. Passing the bar is great. Actually doing something with all of that time, effort and money put into becoming an attorney is the respectable part.

 

Maybe it was the easiest way to continue living at home and not supporting himself...staying in college and then going to law school. Then, when he got to the end of the bar, er, road, he decided that he didn't like actually having to BE an attorney.

 

And IF that were the case and the guy had any respectable level of ambition to support himself, he would be concerned about being unemployed and he would be trying to figure out what else he can do with all of that education.

 

Lovestruck, you paying for dates and other stuff isn't helping to motivate him to get off his butt. Right now, he's got it good, living with the folks, you paying for dates and stuff, so why should he do anything different?

 

Me, personally, I would have a problem with his attitude. It seems to exemplify the perception that us that are older have of many in their 20s being lazy, living off their parents, and lacking motivation.

 

If it is depression, is that something that you want to deal with for the rest of your life?

 

If he simply has low ambition and is on and off unemployment for the rest of his life, is that something that you'll be okay with?

 

Depression or low ambition, either could result in him being unemployed completely or intermittently for the rest of his life.

 

And I'm sorry but I disagree that living at home with your parents at 26 is completely normal and acceptable. Especially if the guy has the capacity to earn attorney's wages and he's living at home so that he doesn't have to really figure out how to grow up.

 

One of my best friends is an attorney, CPA and a partner in a law firm. When she met her now-husband, he had just bought a condo, making a lot of money doing IT security, was brilliant, kind and ambitious. While dating, she realized that he had some issues with depression, or something similar. He started faltering in his ability to earn a paycheck and started staying home a lot. She made all kinds of excuses for his behavior, including putting it under the depression umbrella.

 

They've been married now for several years. He has been diagnosed with multiple 'issues' over the years, been on medication, gone to therapy, etc. He has always been, and continues to be, more interested in defining himself by his problems and making excuses for not working or doing anything with any responsibility than getting better. He hasn't been able to hold a job for long in many years. I could go on.

 

She is the main breadwinner, which is not a huge issue in concept, except that they have two children and she commutes to work 2 hours each way every day. The pre-marriage 'plan' was for her to reduce her work efforts and work from home part-time. Instead, in order to maintain a household, she works more than ever and basically had to accept a position as partner to replace his income.

 

She takes care of their two children when she's not at work and has a sitter when she is because he can't even manage to care for his own children without feeling too stressed out. She is responsible for everything in their lives. His only responsibility is to try and stay emotionally even-keel, not get depressed, not get stressed, and try to earn some money when he's not busy with his "hobbies".

 

She deeply regrets not paying attention to the warning signs before getting married, and at the very least really figuring out what she was getting herself into and making an informed decision about getting married.

 

Lovestruck, I'm sorry to put this all out there and it's probably overboard in re: your boyfriend but I read some of your other posts about your relationship, including the one where you mentioned that he told you that he isn't marriage material. It sounds as if you give WAY more than your share. You also say that you don't mind but the point is that when a woman OR a man gives and gives and gives, they are setting themselves up to be sucked dry.

 

Be careful. While I don't completely disagree with Mental Traveller, above, it is not your 'job' to motivate him to get some ambition.

[lovestruck818]

Finally! I agree with JB.

 

When I was in my early/mid-20s, I'd have been pretty distressed if my boyfriend at the time suddenly became unemployed, enjoyed it, and wasn't doing anything to change the situation.

 

A desire to hold a job is not the same as having overwhelming blind ambition, people.

 

And with apologies to the numerous attorneys that I am either friends with or work with, becoming an attorney does not fill your respectability or your ambition dance cards for the rest of your life. Passing the bar is great. Actually doing something with all of that time, effort and money put into becoming an attorney is the respectable part.

 

Maybe it was the easiest way to continue living at home and not supporting himself...staying in college and then going to law school. Then, when he got to the end of the bar, er, road, he decided that he didn't like actually having to BE an attorney.

 

And IF that were the case and the guy had any respectable level of ambition to support himself, he would be concerned about being unemployed and he would be trying to figure out what else he can do with all of that education.

 

Lovestruck, you paying for dates and other stuff isn't helping to motivate him to get off his butt. Right now, he's got it good, living with the folks, you paying for dates and stuff, so why should he do anything different?

 

Me, personally, I would have a problem with his attitude. It seems to exemplify the perception that us that are older have of many in their 20s being lazy, living off their parents, and lacking motivation.

 

If it is depression, is that something that you want to deal with for the rest of your life?

 

If he simply has low ambition and is on and off unemployment for the rest of his life, is that something that you'll be okay with?

 

Depression or low ambition, either could result in him being unemployed completely or intermittently for the rest of his life.

 

And I'm sorry but I disagree that living at home with your parents at 26 is completely normal and acceptable. Especially if the guy has the capacity to earn attorney's wages and he's living at home so that he doesn't have to really figure out how to grow up.

 

One of my best friends is an attorney, CPA and a partner in a law firm. When she met her now-husband, he had just bought a condo, making a lot of money doing IT security, was brilliant, kind and ambitious. While dating, she realized that he had some issues with depression, or something similar. He started faltering in his ability to earn a paycheck and started staying home a lot. She made all kinds of excuses for his behavior, including putting it under the depression umbrella.

 

They've been married now for several years. He has been diagnosed with multiple 'issues' over the years, been on medication, gone to therapy, etc. He has always been, and continues to be, more interested in defining himself by his problems and making excuses for not working or doing anything with any responsibility than getting better. He hasn't been able to hold a job for long in many years. I could go on.

 

She is the main breadwinner, which is not a huge issue in concept, except that they have two children and she commutes to work 2 hours each way every day. The pre-marriage 'plan' was for her to reduce her work efforts and work from home part-time. Instead, in order to maintain a household, she works more than ever and basically had to accept a position as partner to replace his income.

 

She takes care of their two children when she's not at work and has a sitter when she is because he can't even manage to care for his own children without feeling too stressed out. She is responsible for everything in their lives. His only responsibility is to try and stay emotionally even-keel, not get depressed, not get stressed, and try to earn some money when he's not busy with his "hobbies".

 

She deeply regrets not paying attention to the warning signs before getting married, and at the very least really figuring out what she was getting herself into and making an informed decision about getting married.

 

Lovestruck, I'm sorry to put this all out there and it's probably overboard in re: your boyfriend but I read some of your other posts about your relationship, including the one where you mentioned that he told you that he isn't marriage material. It sounds as if you give WAY more than your share. You also say that you don't mind but the point is that when a woman OR a man gives and gives and gives, they are setting themselves up to be sucked dry.

 

Be careful. While I don't completely disagree with Mental Traveller, above, it is not your 'job' to motivate him to get some ambition.

 

Well, the living at home thing may not be ok for you, but then again I am about 99.9% sure you don't live on Long Island. Average houses here cost about $400k and that's for a small starter house in a decent area. It's way easier for someone from let's say, the midwest or upstate NY or something to afford to rent or buy than it is in the NYC/lower NY/NJ area. Most people here actually live at home at least into their late 20's. I was able to move out & buy a house b/c I work 14-15 hour days and gave up a lot of my social life & fun to do so. Living at home doesn't make anyone pathetic, no matter what his/her occupation is.

 

As far as his depression goes, he is on meds so it's not like whenever I see him he is depressed- quite the opposite actually, which means the meds are working.

 

And you are right in that, yes I give a lot and probably don't receive nearly half of what I should, but I am generous by nature and when I love someone whether it be a family member, significant other or a friend, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. Call it my biggest flaw, but hey no one is perfect.