Boyfriend's lack of ambition is killing my life

[jcrew]

If this is the reason, he needs support, not recriminations.

 

 

I whole-heartedly agree!

[jcrew]

His home is his parents. She posted it before, just not on this thread.

 

 

Oops. I'm such a tool.

 

Er. I definitely formed my opinion around the idea of him living with her and her supporting him. I thought when she said about paying for most things, she meant bills. Soo.... disregard what I said about that, OP!

 

But I stand by what I said about it possibly being depression etc.

[Rooster_DAR]

Judging from experience with lawyers, I can empathize with the lad.

[BoooredGuy]

I like Voneriks comments.

 

So he is a 26 year old attorney who is ambitious, bright, capable and all about going after what he wants, but his perception may have been skewed about what the real world is all about? Or perhaps he has depression? Or something else?

 

Based off what you wrote, I don't think that he lacks ambition. Far from it.

 

So he lives at home. Big deal. Over 70% of people on this planet live with their families. I don't understand what the issue is here, even if he does make enough to pay his own rent or mortgage. I know plenty of people who simply save while living at home, and many who are working professionals.

 

Learned that the law was not his calling? Nothing unusual about that. I learned about how much I hated law when I was in law school and dropped out. I had the clerkships to learn how this was very much not for me, but learning about law was cool. Def. not a good reason for me to stay on the boat when I knew this was not for me. I know plenty of others as well - too many for an actual industry.

 

I became very confused as to what's next at this point. My entire high school and college experience with courses and and extracurricular's was to prepare for this, and now what? I was unemployed for about a full year before I got out of my stupor - it was not laziness on my part, or a lack of ambition. I honestly did not know what to do. I did not plan for any of this, yet it happened. I always had the ambition and the focus, but the direction was missing.

 

Maybe he is depressed? It could be the result of learning that law is not for him, it could be because he was fired, it could be because he thinks you are not supporting him anywhere in all of this, it could be something with friends or with family, etc. It can be a snowball effect of all of these things.

 

Have you tried to speak with him about these things? Has he opened up to you at all? How has your relationship with him changed since the culmination of these events?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I also think this may be a case of depression...maybe situational depression. I'm not trying to diagnose the guy, but I do think it is wise to open your mind to this possibility. If he was dedicated enough to get through law school and receive good grades, then this behavior sounds like it may be out of character for him.

 

Have you talked to him about this possibility?

 

I don't think you should just dump the guy for what may be a temporary situation. Plus, he just lost his job. He's probably already feeling pretty down.

 

Not that I don't sympathize with your situation, because I do. I'm just thinking it might be a good idea to figure out exactly what is going on with him first.

[lovestruck818]

A lot of you think it is depression- he is already on meds for depression though! And he already sees a counselor for this job stuff which he has been for a while so it's not like that is a new development.

 

Annnd regarding getting fired, he is actually happy about it b/c he hates law in general and wants to do something totally different...but isn't really jumping on anything except sitting around...which angers me b/c he is too good for that.

 

Yes, he lives at home with his parents but don't bash him for that b/c I lived with my parents up until 3 months ago and he and I are the same age. It's perfectly fine & normal to still be living at home at that age.

 

I know it is easy to go & tell someone to dump her boyf, but we have been together 8 months now, which is a very long time for me and we are very much in love. Dumping him would hurt both of us more than the lack of ambition is hurting me. I am hoping he realises eventually that he wont be able to do the things he loves b/c he is running out of money and jumps on the gun as soon as possible.

 

We are not engaged, nor married...or even close to it for that matter, we live in seperate households, so I'm not sure what he does all day.

 

Ultimately whatever he does take, when he takes one, if he takes one, I will 100% support him b/c I just want him to be happy.

[lovestruck818]

Awwwww Love struck.. I had no idea...

 

One thing for sure.. a leach is a leach.. he won't change and will suck off you until you put your foot down and draw a line ...

 

Does he do drugs ?

 

Personally if I were you he would be out on his ass.. either that or he would be employed and operational in the relationship..

 

Have you had any heart to heart talks with him about how you feel ?

 

Nope no drugs...although he did recently take up smoking...

[lovestruck818]

Why is everyone attacking him so quickly? She said he is recently unemployed. Maybe the benefit of the doubt is a better mindset here. She needs to talk to him and find out where his head is at. Perhaps he's just a bit bummed out about losing his job, this happens to people all the time. I say talk with him and give him a little time before you take drastic action.

 

Cheers!

 

actually, he is happy he lost his job...which is part of the problem...he LOVES being unemployed.

[vonerik012]

A lot of you think it is depression- he is already on meds for depression though! .

 

 

Then, in your next post you said he is not on drugs...

 

What do you consider meds for depression? Those are not drugs?

 

Why are you expecting a depressed person on drugs, not to be depressed?

 

This is what I mean when people OVERLOOK TRAITS and concentrate on career, status, and education.

[lovestruck818]

Then, in your next post you said he is not on drugs...

 

What do you consider meds for depression? Those are not drugs?

 

Why are you expecting a depressed person on drugs, not to be depressed?

 

This is what I mean when people OVERLOOK TRAITS and concentrate on career, status, and education.

 

I thought they meant drugs...like heroin, cocaine, things like that...he's not doing any of that stuff kind of stuff

[lovestruck818]

Then, in your next post you said he is not on drugs...

 

What do you consider meds for depression? Those are not drugs?

 

Why are you expecting a depressed person on drugs, not to be depressed?

 

This is what I mean when people OVERLOOK TRAITS and concentrate on career, status, and education.

 

And I did not decide to date him b/c he was a lawyer...I decided to date him b/c I like(d) his personality and the way he made me feel.

[Blue Strawberry]

actually, he is happy he lost his job...which is part of the problem...he LOVES being unemployed.

 

When you keep buying him everything, and he's living with mom and dad rentfree, then you are all supporting his loving being unemployed status.

[vonerik012]

...

 

Well, if you willingly date a depressed person,or someone who can be considered mentally ill, who must take drugs to function, did you think life would be smooth sailing?

 

If you love him, accept him, and stick with him. However, you really seem to have no compassion for him.

 

You could be offering him support, and trying to help him, instead of calling him lazy. Imagine going to school for 7 years while battling depression, then hating your career.

 

 

Why is it so essential TO YOU that he starts working right away?

[lovestruck818]

When you keep buying him everything, and he's living with mom and dad rentfree, then you are all supporting his loving being unemployed status.

 

Well, I don't financially support his hobby...and the money for that is soon going to run out. I mainly pay for our dates and things like that, b/c I feel if a man pays all the time, it gives him more control and makes him feel superior b/c he's the one with the money.

 

Where did I say he is living at home rent-free? B/c he isn't...

[lovestruck818]

...

 

Well, if you willingly date a depressed person,or someone who can be considered mentally ill, who must take drugs to function, did you think life would be smooth sailing?

 

If you love him, accept him, and stick with him. However, you really seem to have no compassion for him.

 

You could be offering him support, and trying to help him, instead of calling him lazy. Imagine going to school for 7 years while battling depression, then hating your career.

 

 

Why is it so essential TO YOU that he starts working right away?

 

The depression was not happening while he was in school. That started when he started his job b/c he hated it...

[Blue Strawberry]

Yeah, she needs to go for one of those hot foreign guys who don't have these types of problems.

 

...

 

Well, if you willingly date a depressed person,or someone who can be considered mentally ill, who must take drugs to function, did you think life would be smooth sailing?

 

If you love him, accept him, and stick with him. However, you really seem to have no compassion for him.

 

You could be offering him support, and trying to help him, instead of calling him lazy. Imagine going to school for 7 years while battling depression, then hating your career.

 

 

Why is it so essential TO YOU that he starts working right away?

[lovestruck818]

...

 

Well, if you willingly date a depressed person,or someone who can be considered mentally ill, who must take drugs to function, did you think life would be smooth sailing?

 

If you love him, accept him, and stick with him. However, you really seem to have no compassion for him.

 

You could be offering him support, and trying to help him, instead of calling him lazy. Imagine going to school for 7 years while battling depression, then hating your career.

 

 

Why is it so essential TO YOU that he starts working right away?

 

Where did I say I need him to start working right away? All I want is for him to at least CARE that he is unemployed and start to look for opportunities. He doesn't need to actually start working, but looking would be the logically sensible next move...

[BoooredGuy]

he is already on meds for depression though!

 

Psychological and/or psychiatric disorders don't disappear with a simple pill. It usually takes months for effects to show, and medication is just part of the strategy to combat an illness.

 

he already sees a counselor for this job stuff which he has been for a while so it's not like that is a new development.

 

Same thing as I mentioned with med.'s. If the root issues are decent, then they take time to unravel and solve. These are not things in which one can simply snap out of and be back to normal.

 

but isn't really jumping on anything except sitting around...which angers me b/c he is too good for that.

 

How long has it been? I dropped out of law school after graduating college with a B.Sc., magna cum laude. It took me about a full year before I landed a position. It took some time to break out of my initial shock and denial, regroup, and figure out in which direction do I want to go. My real friends and family stuck by my side. There were some who thought less of me, and those I told to F off for not being supportive in my life. This was an inflection point in my life - this wasn't as simple as go get into something. There has to be a vision and a strategy in place.

 

It's perfectly fine & normal to still be living at home at that age.

 

I agree - reread my previous comment.

 

I will 100% support him b/c I just want him to be happy

 

Honestly, that is the absolute best thing that you can do for him.

 

he LOVES being unemployed.

 

Perhaps this is his first break from life? From chasing after the next goal?

 

And I did not decide to date him b/c he was a lawyer

 

I don't understand why you would date someone based off of this. Income arguments don't hold here - lawyers don't make as much as society perceives. The U.S. markets are too saturated with attorneys.

[vonerik012]

Vlue, you keep adding things that dont exist to the thread to hate on the guy.

 

lovestruck.. He is sick. I don't mean that in a bad way, but he is depressed and on meds. His brain does not function as yours does. Either accept that, or move on.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I completely agree with everything BooredGuy just wrote. He is spot-on with his observations.

 

 

I also think that this is probably the first time he has had a break from chasing the next goal. Sometimes you just need to stop and smell the roses. Regroup. Find your center. See the world through new eyes. There may be a time in your life when you find yourself tired and unsure of your next move, and you would not want someone breathing down your neck to GET GOING ALREADY, would you? Everyone has his own pace in this world.

 

Why is is so important to you the he must be ambitious and constantly striving? Are you embarrassed? Do you think people will think poorly of you because your BF is unemployed? I'm not saying you are or you aren't, but it is something to think about. If you really care about this guy, then care about the whole person here. We are more than our professions, more than our possessions, more than our status. It is easy to get caught in those traps.

 

Give it some time and try to truly understand where he is coming from. I think that your mind is just not open to that right now, because you are frustrated and want something different than what you have now.

 

By the way, there aren't many times in adult life when you get to take a break and figure things out. At least he lives with his parents, so he is not going to fall into bankruptcy or something due to lack of job.

[vonerik012]

Cherry Blossom, excellent post...

 

I was going to ask the same... Why is it SOOOO important to YOU that he is ambitious, striving.. etc. What for?

 

He already accomplished more than most, and at a young age.

 

He has NO kids and lives at home with his parents. This would be an excellent time for him to think, travel, or do WHATEVER HE WANTS at his own pace. Many kids in Europe (since they aren't trapped into school loans) take a couple years off experiencing life. Thats healthy.

 

You admitted the depression started when he was at his new job. HE EVEN HAD TO START TAKING MEDS IT WAS SO BAD. If you cared at all, you would be happy that he has exited an environment that was TOXIC to him.

 

So now you want this guy to hurry up and find something new?. WHY? Are you ashamed to say your boyfriend does not have a job? is that why it is killing you? Are you worried about his health? And him? Or just want him to work evenj if it drives him to insanity?

 

Someone WHO CARED would have started a thread "How can I get my boyfriend to quit a job that is driving him into depression"

[jcrew]

In addition to what previous posters said about depression meds taking a while to show any effects, the meds are also usually given as a trial at first. There are many versions of the anti-depressants available, and maybe this isn't the right one for him. His psychiatrist or general practitioner may have to either alter his dosage or switch which drug he takes. It's fairly common. I think I recall my own psychiatrist telling me that there are well over fifty types of anti-depressants, and the majority of patients don't find the right pill for them the first time. Of course he has to give the first one a fair shot, but it's very possible that whatever he's taking isn't the right medication for him.

 

Not saying that that's necessarily the case for him, but just throwing it out there as a possiblity!

[Blue Strawberry]

I think a lot of you who are sympathizing with this guy here fail to realize that he was and is very irresponsible. 26 years old....that is not far from 30 and this dude needs to get it together, stat.

It is very irresponsible to behave in the manner he did at a job and let himself be fired like that.

Now he's using up the money he has on some undisclosed "hobby" while his girlfriend acts as his sugarmama helping to support his unemployed living at home with mommy and daddy status....what's wrong with this picture?

[Blue Strawberry]

Nope no drugs...although he did recently take up smoking...

 

Sounds like a real winner.

Also this guy has told you he never wants to get married

You are really wanting to get married (you stated this in another post.)

You have such different life goals, it is going to always be an uphill battle with problems if you stay with this guy. You are young...get out now and stop spending your money on this loser.

[lovestruck818]

Cherry Blossom, excellent post...

 

I was going to ask the same... Why is it SOOOO important to YOU that he is ambitious, striving.. etc. What for?

 

He already accomplished more than most, and at a young age.

 

He has NO kids and lives at home with his parents. This would be an excellent time for him to think, travel, or do WHATEVER HE WANTS at his own pace. Many kids in Europe (since they aren't trapped into school loans) take a couple years off experiencing life. Thats healthy.

 

You admitted the depression started when he was at his new job. HE EVEN HAD TO START TAKING MEDS IT WAS SO BAD. If you cared at all, you would be happy that he has exited an environment that was TOXIC to him.

 

So now you want this guy to hurry up and find something new?. WHY? Are you ashamed to say your boyfriend does not have a job? is that why it is killing you? Are you worried about his health? And him? Or just want him to work evenj if it drives him to insanity?

 

Someone WHO CARED would have started a thread "How can I get my boyfriend to quit a job that is driving him into depression"

 

But my feeling is like, ok he hated his job and I get that, but millions of people hate their jobs...and if you don't like your job look for something else and QUIT. Don't get yourself fired for lack of caring. That's just irresponsible.