Boyfriend's lack of ambition is killing my life

[lovestruck818]

Hello-

 

I am a 26 year old working professional in New York City with a highly-regarded & well-respected managerial role.

 

My boyfriend is a 26 year old ex-real estate attorney in New York City. He recently got fired from his job for lack of caring, dressing like crap, coming in late, leaving early, taking too long for lunch etc. etc. He hated his job but that is no excuse to try & get yourself fired from it.

 

Now that he is fired, he is enjoying being unemployed and has no motivation or want to look for any other job...in any field at all. He just enjoys sitting at home and doing whatever it is he does. It's not the money that I am worried about b/c I pay for most things anyway, it is just the fact that he is unmotivated and lazy and doesn't want to work or think that he should have to...cuz I do and I do well. He is extremely bright, as he was an attorney, and achieved a 3.9 in his graduate work.

 

I am upset with this b/c I know he is smart and wonderful and what he is capable of, if he would just apply himself.

 

I want to try & talk to him about it but i don't want to come off like being his mother...but I am concerned and I want him to know. (To boot, he currently has no health/dental insurance as the benefits terminated upon him being fired).

 

Any advice as to how I could go about this would be great. Thank you all for your help- truly amazing people here.

[Blue Strawberry]

What is the problem? Just break up with him. You're so young, and an attorney, girl, you can do better than that.

Plus if you break up with him, it might give him the motivation to get up off his bum and start applying for jobs. However, it's not going to be easy for him to explain why he was let go from his last job....I dunno, I don't see it going anywhere with a loser like that.

 

You shouldn't be paying for everything, if you are then it is not a true partnership and he is just using you.

[torranceshipman]

If this is just a case of him being a lazy ass, then yea maybe kick him to the kerb, you dont need this!

 

BUT - does also sound like some of the standard signs of depression too - might 100% be worth checking that out. That can be righted with some meds or better still, regular exercise, diet, etc...if you love the guy, worth at least looking into.

[Lizzie60]

WOW.. why would you want to be with a lazy bum like him... he's a loser and he doesn't deserve you.. he is a parasite.. get rid of him...

 

I'm sure you can find a smart, ambitious, working, good looking guy... come on.. don't settle for a jerk...

[Art_Critic]

Awwwww Love struck.. I had no idea...

 

One thing for sure.. a leach is a leach.. he won't change and will suck off you until you put your foot down and draw a line ...

 

Does he do drugs ?

 

Personally if I were you he would be out on his ass.. either that or he would be employed and operational in the relationship..

 

Have you had any heart to heart talks with him about how you feel ?

[Trialbyfire]

While I understand where you're coming from in your expectation of your b/f, you can't change him. You can talk to him about his lack of drive and motivation but what essentially made him so disheartened with his job that he would chose to try to get fired?

 

You might want to address the underlying issues with him about this erosion of who he is, from a sympathetic perspective.

 

Getting fired, regardless if it's deserved or not, can't be good for his self-esteem and self-respect. Since he's so young, I would guess this is one of his first positions as a lawyer. I hope his career hasn't been ruined.

[BUENG1]

Hello-

 

I am a 26 year old working professional in New York City with a highly-regarded & well-respected managerial role.

 

My boyfriend is a 26 year old ex-real estate attorney in New York City. He recently got fired from his job for lack of caring, dressing like crap, coming in late, leaving early, taking too long for lunch etc. etc. He hated his job but that is no excuse to try & get yourself fired from it.

 

Now that he is fired, he is enjoying being unemployed and has no motivation or want to look for any other job...in any field at all. He just enjoys sitting at home and doing whatever it is he does. It's not the money that I am worried about b/c I pay for most things anyway, it is just the fact that he is unmotivated and lazy and doesn't want to work or think that he should have to...cuz I do and I do well. He is extremely bright, as he was an attorney, and achieved a 3.9 in his graduate work.

 

I am upset with this b/c I know he is smart and wonderful and what he is capable of, if he would just apply himself.

 

I want to try & talk to him about it but i don't want to come off like being his mother...but I am concerned and I want him to know. (To boot, he currently has no health/dental insurance as the benefits terminated upon him being fired).

 

Any advice as to how I could go about this would be great. Thank you all for your help- truly amazing people here.

 

What are his plans for the future. If you've told him or encouraged him to continue his career and he just doesn't want to, maybe you should tell him he should find his own place to live. If you haven't and you still want to continue his relationship maybe you should ask why he isn't motivated to continue his career and encourage him to do so( in strong terms).

[Jilly Bean]

Love, is he maybe depressed? How long has this been going on? If it was a few weeks, I'd say hes getting over the shock and maybe deciding what to do next. If longer, well...

 

Does he plan on being a house husband the rest of his life?

 

Perhaps sit him down and ask him what his plans are. If he tells you that he plans on never working again, tell him that is not an option. Maybe suggest he see a career counselor?

[jcrew]

By any chance has your boyfriend been watching Officespace obsessively?

 

It's great that you can "pay for most things anyway", and it's nice of you that you are ignoring the money aspect. But just because you CAN and ARE, doesn't mean you SHOULD be paying for most things in the relationship/household. And, no offense to your boyfriend, but I find it extremely selfish of him to apparently expect you to do so. Even if you make more than enough money to cover expenses, if you weren't paying his half of the bills you could be saving it or spending it on some guilty pleasure like shoes or the spa..

 

I know you said he's enjoying being unemployed, but are you sure he isn't suffering from depression of some sort? I deal with it myself, and when I first graduated college I remember feeling really unmotivated to find a job. Only a major difference was that I was living with my PARENTS, not a significant other. And even still, after about two months, my mom ordered me to either get of my ass and get a job or get out. And believe me when I say that my mother is usually extremely kind and generous, but there was no way she was going to have me sitting around eating their food and using their space/things if I wasn't willing to try and earn my keep by paying a little rent or helping with the groceries. Not just because it was unfair to her and my father, but because it was for my own good!

 

I think people at their heart of hearts really want to feel like productive and useful parts of society. So even if your boyfriend is happy with his situation right now, I can't imagine that it'll stay that way. But by then he may have grown used to how things are and not have the motivation to change. I hope that makes sense!

 

I think you need to talk to him, and really sort of kick his butt into actively searching for a job. As my mom would say, "While you're unemployed, finding a job is your job." She would wake me up before she went to work, so that I could be job-hunting 9-5. He should be doing this. If he refuses, than I think he should have to find his own place.

 

ETA:

 

"He recently got fired from his job for lack of caring, dressing like crap, coming in late, leaving early, taking too long for lunch etc. etc. He hated his job..."

 

Not caring about your work and how you look are also signs of depression, by the way. Again, for a while I was the same way. My family thought I was lazy, and would tell me so. But I was just so depressed that I didn't see the point in anything. I think you really need to check if he's as happy as you guess. I also find it very telling that instead of being pro-active and QUITTING a job he hated, he waited for them to fire him. Being passive in your own life isn't healthy or normal. It's a shame he has no insurance, as therapy might be helpful for him.

[jerbear]

This is my take on things.

 

I think he lost some direction and needs some help finding his way.

 

He wanted to be a lawyer when he grew up. Became an attorney only to find out that is not his passion. He got himself fired / laid off and that got him depressed.

 

My suggestion is pretty much a test of your faith in him and abilities. I suggest that you to offer your support till he gets his bearings. Almost like a caretaker NOT mom. Not an easy task. It maybe that he wants to be a househusband but you'll have to find out what your mutual goals are.

 

I understand the nature of NYC. NYC in general is a dog eat dog world. For many professionals it is so easy to dispose then find another, only to repeat the process.

 

Anyway, I suggest working with him but it is your call.

[Rooster_DAR]

Why is everyone attacking him so quickly? She said he is recently unemployed. Maybe the benefit of the doubt is a better mindset here. She needs to talk to him and find out where his head is at. Perhaps he's just a bit bummed out about losing his job, this happens to people all the time. I say talk with him and give him a little time before you take drastic action.

 

Cheers!

[vonerik012]

Well, he is a 26 yr old attorney. Not exactly he poster child for lack of ambition.

 

He recently lost his job. Cut him some slack..

 

But it is amazing how many women completely jump on this guy. Women live off men for entire lifetimes in millions of cases. Are they slacking garbage, losers? This guy just lost a job, lol.

 

You are an equal, right? So do what a man would do, and gladly take care of him. What's the problem?

 

Imagine dating a woman like this if something really bad happened, a disease, a sickness, etc. Seems like you would just cut your love loose in a heartbeat if he wasn't bringing in money.

[Blue Strawberry]

Yeah but he lost his job for being late, leaving early, dressing like a slob, taking a long lunch break....even if he didn't like the job, he could have at least been doing his best and looking for another job.

[vonerik012]

Explain to him that you will only like him if he starts making more money immediately. You practice very strict conditional love. You have no room for empathizing with him. Tell him you don't care how smart or educated he is, it all comes down to him working immediately.

[Blue Strawberry]

From what she's posted, he actually lives with his parents, so that could be contributing to the lack of motivation...he's getting his sugar-mama girlfriend and leeching off his parents. Double reason for nonaction.

[DunnoWhat]

Ask him what he wants to do and try to motivate him. He might just be taking a break from things for a while to recharge his batteries.

 

It's a bit silly telling her to dump him without knowing the full facts. Nobody really wants to sit at home as a slob so there is something wrong somewhere so just try to find out whats the problem. He may need time to sort it out.

[Trialbyfire]

Many firms who fire professionals, foot the bill for rehab and counselling. Did your b/f get this package when he was let go?

[jcrew]

Explain to him that you will only like him if he starts making more money immediately. You practice very strict conditional love. You have no room for empathizing with him. Tell him you don't care how smart or educated he is, it all comes down to him working immediately.

 

Please read the title of this thread. His lack of ambition is hurting her. I'm not saying she should DUMP him immediately, but she certainly isn't under any obligation to SUPPORT him. And if seeing him sitting around the house all day after she gets home from a long day at work upsets her, then she needs to change the situation if he isn't willing to do so.

 

You can certainly continue to love someone unconditionally and still put your foot down to not be taken advantage of.

 

They aren't married, or even engaged as far as we know. He isn't staying home to look after the kids. She said she doesn't know what he does all day. Does he do his share of chores, or cooking, or errands? Is he contributing in some way to their household?

 

Of course it takes time and patience for someone to get a new job after losing one. But I think the OP's concern is that he isn't even pretending to TRY to look for another job. The OP seems to be a very successful person, with a lot of ambition herself. I'm guessing that she enjoyed seeing those same qualities in her boyfriend, and now he's changed. If this change makes her unhappy/upset, and her boyfriend has no intentions at all to go back to how things were when they first started dating, then... yes, maybe she should consider that this relationship isn't the right one for either of them.

[jcrew]

From what she's posted, he actually lives with his parents, so that could be contributing to the lack of motivation...he's getting his sugar-mama girlfriend and leeching off his parents. Double reason for nonaction.

 

Where did she say that he's living with his parents? I definitely got the impression that he was living with the OP.

 

"He just enjoys sitting at home and doing whatever it is he does. It's not the money that I am worried about b/c I pay for most things anyway"

[Trialbyfire]

Please read the title of this thread. His lack of ambition is hurting her. I'm not saying she should DUMP him immediately, but she certainly isn't under any obligation to SUPPORT him. And if seeing him sitting around the house all day after she gets home from a long day at work upsets her, then she needs to change the situation if he isn't willing to do so.

 

You can certainly continue to love someone unconditionally and still put your foot down to not be taken advantage of.

 

They aren't married, or even engaged as far as we know. He isn't staying home to look after the kids. She said she doesn't know what he does all day. Does he do his share of chores, or cooking, or errands? Is he contributing in some way to their household?

 

Of course it takes time and patience for someone to get a new job after losing one. But I think the OP's concern is that he isn't even pretending to TRY to look for another job. The OP seems to be a very successful person, with a lot of ambition herself. I'm guessing that she enjoyed seeing those same qualities in her boyfriend, and now he's changed. If this change makes her unhappy/upset, and her boyfriend has no intentions at all to go back to how things were when they first starting dating, then... yes, maybe this relationship isn't the right one for either of them.

While I disagree with the perspective the misogynists are coming from, I do agree that she has no control or say over his life and how he chooses to conduct it. I don't see anywhere that says they're living together, just that she pays for things which could mean solely during their time together on dates. If they are living together, I would understand your perspective more.

 

Since this is a recent firing, I really do wonder what's going on in his mind. Also, what was going through his mind during the the last portion of his tenure with the firm to cause such an erosion on someone who was previously so motivated. People don't flip so quickly for no reason at all.

[Blue Strawberry]

Where did she say that he's living with his parents? I definitely got the impression that he was living with the OP.

 

"He just enjoys sitting at home and doing whatever it is he does. It's not the money that I am worried about b/c I pay for most things anyway"

 

His home is his parents. She posted it before, just not on this thread.

[vonerik012]

Well 2 points...

 

Another poster said that the boyfriend lives at home with his parents.

 

Secondly, the guy went through college, 3 years of law school, and passed the bar exam. He then got a job immediately.

 

It seems like he was go go go his entire life.

 

I have knows more than a few lawyers that HATE what they do, and actually end up VERY lost. I know one that turned to heroine, one that was arrested for stalking a client of his , and another that turned to legal software sales unsuccessfully.

 

 

This is why people should seek TRAITS, and really get to know someone, instead of being overly impressed by their education or what they currently do for a living. it can change quickly, and you are stuck with someone whom you have NO interest in if they change careers, or go through rough times.

 

And if he isn't living with you, what are you paying for ? Dates? Shouldn't be so hard for such a successful woman.

[jcrew]

Since this is a recent firing, I really do wonder what's going on in his mind. Also, what was going through his mind during the the last portion of his tenure with the firm to cause such an erosion on someone who was previously so motivated. People don't flip so quickly for no reason at all.

 

I'm curious, too. Depression seems the most obvious answer, but we know so little about him. However, it would make sense ,if he suddenly realized after years of dedicated studying and determination and student loans that being an attorney wasn't what he wanted to do.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm curious, too. Depression seems the most obvious answer, but we know so little about him. However, it would make sense ,if he suddenly realized after years of dedicated studying and determination and student loans that being an attorney wasn't what he wanted to do.

That's a good possibility but if so, he has some personal review about what he wants out of life now. This is a big decision to make, to throw away so much of your life, time and effort, in order to change direction and focus. I can't imagine what he's going through.

 

If this is the reason, he needs support, not recriminations.

[vonerik012]

People don't flip so quickly for no reason at all.

 

Flip so quickly? He just started the job, obviously. Maybe he hates it, and hates law. It's not like he was a successful attorney for 20 years and suddenly "flipped" .

 

But lets be honest.. Is the thread title a little to dramatic? Your successful, boyfriend just lost his job, and you don't even live together.. "Killing" your life?