feeling guilty. wanting to break up.

[hcd03]

I have been engaged to my fiance for over a year. And now, I don't know what I want to do.

 

Part of me thinks I should end it. The reasons:

1. I want to leave the state, live in a city, and pursue a Masters degree. I'm very ambitious, and he's not at all. He wants to continue living here in a small town, podunk, state and wants to settle down. Economically, the area we're living in right now is a dead end for me, and he wants to stay here for the next five years at least. I'm only 23. I wish he would consider leaving the state with me.

2. We argue a lot. We're both stubborn, but he has the tendency to start raising his voice a lot when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. It gets really frustrating because I grew up with the "my way or the highway" rule. I never want to deal with that rule again. Relationships are about compromise and we argue about a lot of stupid issues.

3. I don't really like his daughter. She's 8 and she acts just like her mother. She's very rude and disrespectful. She is also really mean to my 4-year-old son. Every night she's here, she wanders into our bedroom around 1:30 and wakes us up. We only have her every other weekend though. My fiance is usually working though and I end up being babysitter. I don't think I would be so frustrated with his daughter if he actually took care of her to. I shouldn't have to play babysitter EVERY time.

4. We don't have sex all that often anymore. He's been getting heavier (he's about 80 pounds overweight), and when I asked him why he barely sleeps with me, he told me he's fat and doesn't have the energy to have sex.

5.We live in a pig sty. He rarely ever cleans. If I want to live in a clean house, I have to do the majority of the cleaning. I have asked him over and over again to help me clean, and he always puts it off. I feel like a maid.

6. He doesn't like snuggling all that much. The rare times he does are memorable.

7. I talk with my guy friend about things I want to do more than I talk with my fiance about it. Because every time I talk about having more ambition and leaving small-town hell, he gets all defensive and upset saying I should stay here with him.

 

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

[journey1]

Hey I ended my engagement for different reasons than you but I am hurting now due to it. He moved on with his life and rather than changing he chose to just move on. I thought walking away would get him started on the right path. So if your desired result is for him to finally change due to it ending well........ you may be surprised that he may just walk away without a fight! If you cannot picture your life without him why dont you just postpone rather than ending it?? See what happens. But if you feel that knot in your stomach and like something isnt right....well I know how hard that is to live with, it feels like your faking it doesnt it?? But for me those feelings went away and now I would do anything to have him in my life. I know your situation is diff, but just be careful. Good Luck keep me posted.

[hcd03]

To be honest, i don't really want him to fight. I'd rather he just say "ok, we're done." I could at least walk away without guilt then. I've already postponed the wedding once. If I do it again, he's going to wonder why. I know I'm going to hurt him, and it really breaks my heart.

 

I love him, but I don't feel like he's "the one" anymore. I feel too alone and neglected. Again, like he's a roommate I don't see very often. I feel like I deserve a bit better. And that he and his daughter deserve someone more suited to their small-town needs.

[journey1]

WOW YOUR MIND IS DEF MADE UP!! Do it as soon as you can. WHy postpone the inevitable????? The faster you do it, the quicker he can move on. You need to find a place to stay or rent or maybe move back home. Staying with him this way is living a lie. Or you can explain and if he is understanding maybe you two can live under the same roof until you find a better living arrangement. All I know is its better to be honest with yourself and to him. I know the feeling of wishing you can love that person like you once did. Its almost as hard is being the one who is not loved anymore. It all sucks. Just realize that you cant force yourself to marry someone that doesnt make you feel the way you need to feel. You would be cheating yourself and your son.

[wareagle]

Then be honest with him and end it! No need to prolong it! If your hearts not in it be completely honest with him and end it! Don't beat around the bush, don't give him false hope just end it, move on with your life, and never contact him again!