Crestfallen_KH Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Well, today is officially the day my marriage ended. It limped along for a few weeks, but for all intents and purposes it ended today. Today was the day my ex-husband told me he no longer loved me and that he wanted to be single again (i.e., date his married co-worker). When I first came here, we had already separated and he had moved in with her. He had no interest in trying to save the marriage and I filed for divorce after a few months. It's now been final since December and other than the occasional contact about mail that got forwarded incorrectly, we haven't spoken to one another since March or seen one another since last year. I still remember those early days, when I literally felt every minute of every day. Simply surviving the pain and getting through each day was an accomplishment. For the first time in my life, I vomited from stress, was unable to eat and couldn't sleep or think about anything else. Intellectually, I knew I would have better days, but believing it then seemed insurmountable. I've never cried, raged, or hurt to the degree that I have in those early months in all of my 34 years. But, I am a success story, I think, a year later. I entered therapy and have stayed in it, which has been very beneficial to me. I've indentified why the marriage failed, but no longer blame myself for it OR the infidelity. I've rebuilt my life from scratch, essentially - I live in new place, have new friends and new interests. I've learned to connect with my emotions and acknowledge that I have them and not think myself weak FOR having them. And I'm a good, decent person who has more empathy and more self-esteem now than I probably ever did in my entire life. But my favorite thing about myself is how I see things now. My world is no longer black and white - I can see shades of gray. And while it would be easy to judge my ex-husband as a "lesser" person without value, I don't. He did a horrible thing, but he's just another imperfect human being. I'm not any better or worse than he is, I just made less selfish choices. I refuse to be bitter or angry - and I refuse to be chained to him any longer. The fact is, sometimes things don't work out. But I'll always know that I earned my way out of that marriage. I didn't just give up, and I'm so, so proud that I have the capability to love that deeply. And, I hope to do it again...someday.
citizen67 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Wow ok I gotta try that - I seem to have an evasion to pain which makes me postpone it - but by not getting thru it I'm just suffering it interminably
dead-dyke Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 What a s*itty thing to be happy about eh? It's really hard when the person you thought you'd grow old with, disrespects you, your commitments, and has the nerve to not even try. I'm a little better than a year out myself, and I'm very aware of the shades of grey you speak of. It has taken some time, but you are much stronger for it. It's crappy, but at least there is a positive, even if it isn't one you wanted to learn. I'm happy for you. P.S. - pay no attention to my screen name..... long story.
Author Crestfallen_KH Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks for the encouraging words. I NEVER thought I would get here - it just seemed like such a long road. I know I still have a little ways to go, but I'm actively doing what I need to do to get there and that's making a big difference. Good luck to you all.
orangehose Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I enjoy reading the 'one year later' posts - they're very encouraging. One comment, though - about your ability to say "I'm not any better or worse than he is, I just made less selfish choices." I'm not sure I'll ever be able to take that view, although my ex wasn't half so bad as yours (and that's saying something). I probably just haven't matured enough as you, but for me, selfish actions = selfish person. Yeah, good and bad are mixed in everyone, and I am totally a fan of recognizing shades of gray, but at some point, for me, the shorthand name for someone who does a lot of selfish things is, a selfish person. I find myself unable to shake off that view. But this is just a minor reaction that occurred to me as I read your post. Crestfallen, you're a brave, strong, fair, woman. Thanks for posting.
the2gman Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 What a great follow up post! Very inspiring! My wife left, I have no idea where we are going. I hurt so much, I'm sure like you did a year ago. I have been in a daze the last 3 weeks. When I talk to her on the phone, I want to talk more, and get sad when she wants to hang up. It hurts. I want to be strong. I want to more past my tears. I want to be where you are now! Thank you for your post.
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