NC - the ups and downs

[astra77]

Strength comes from weakness

 

So you have made the decision to go NC. GOOD FOR YOU. Well done !! Give yourself a pat on the back. THIS IS THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING.

 

Now the hard part is sticking to it. NC is TOUGH, very tough. Some of us can go cold turkey without a worry in the world, and will NEVER contact the x again. For others it is not so easy.

 

If you Break NC - start again - dont give up. And dont beat yourself up about it either.

 

IF AT FIRST YOU DONT SUCCEED TRY AND TRY AGAIN

 

Everyone is different. We all cope differently, we all think differently and we all react differently, it's ok to fall over, but make sure you get straight back up and TRY again. It DOES get better with time.

 

DISTRACTION IS THE KEY, TIME IS THE DIFFERENCE.

Strength comes from weakness

 

Once the fog has lifeted and the storm is over, you will see things for what they really are. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom and fall flat on our faces before we wake up and smell the coffee in brazil

 

Best of luck to all of you doing NC

 

((HUGS))

[Lookingforward]

Strength comes from weakness

 

So you have made the decision to go NC. GOOD FOR YOU. Well done !! Give yourself a pat on the back. THIS IS THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING.

 

Now the hard part is sticking to it. NC is TOUGH, very tough. Some of us can go cold turkey without a worry in the world, and will NEVER contact the x again. For others it is not so easy.

 

If you Break NC -start again - dont give up. And dont beat yourself up about it either.

 

IF AT FIRST YOU DONT SUCCEED TRY AND TRY AGAIN

 

Everyone is different. We all cope differently, we all think differently and we all react differently, it's ok to fall over, but make sure you get straight back up and TRY again. It DOES get better with time.

 

DISTRACTION IS THE KEY, TIME IS THE DIFFERENCE.

Strength comes from weakness

 

Once the fog has lifeted and the storm is over, you will see things for what they really are. Sometimes we have to hit the bottom and fall flat on our faces before we wake up and smell the coffee in brazil

 

Best of luck to all of you doing NC

 

((HUGS))

 

But will continue to talk about him ALL the time........ I think NC is a state of mind as well.

 

There are many that talk the talk, but can't seem to walk the walk......

[astra77]

But will continue to talk about him ALL the time........ I think NC is a state of mind as well.

 

There are many that talk the talk, but can't seem to walk the walk......

 

Exactly, its the frame of mind we are in that controls the impluse, urge, desire, whatever to break NC.

 

The question i asked myself was - what did i REALLY get from the A/R ?

Answer - Nothing, zip, zilch, jack diddly squat.

 

I then realised that I had wasted my time with this guy that i could never get back - he didnt really care, and if he did, he never showed it to me. Not only did I waste my time with him, I continued to waste my time after the break up. We only get one shot at this life, and time is one thing we dont get back.

[Lookingforward]

Exactly, its the frame of mind we are in that controls the impluse, urge, desire, whatever to break NC.

 

The question i asked myself was - what did i REALLY get from the A/R ?

Answer - Nothing, zip, zilch, jack diddly squat.

 

I then realised that I had wasted my time with this guy that i could never get back - he didnt really care, and if he did, he never showed it to me. Not only did I waste my time with him, I continued to waste my time after the break up. We only get one shot at this life, and time is one thing we dont get back.

 

well if you're truly working on your M, NC with the exMM should be no big deal, right?

[astra77]

Of course - it isnt an issue now - but it has been previously - sorry, i didnt explain properly. Just sympathising with a few of the newbys to

LS, NC was previously an issue for me but is not now.

 

I am able to easily do NC now coz i told my H - aint no better reason to do NC with xmm than my H finding out. H had no firm and concrete evidence that i was up to no good before i told him, so then i could easily break NC and txt, email etc xmm, but now that my h knows of A, this is my sole reason/purpose for NC - i will not jepodise my M just to contact xmm - he wont care but my h will !!

 

Thank god i told him. I needed to set myself a firm, deal killer boundary if that makes sense

[Owl]

Astra...its amazing to me how many times I see this played out over and over...

 

Remember how hard you fought NOT to tell your H? You were convinced it was the LAST thing you should do...

 

And once you've told...and start moving down the path...you say "Thank god i told him."

 

:)

 

Just remember...you're still on the rollercoaster ride, and so is he. You're still going to have some massive ups and downs to deal with, and times when you doubt too. Hang in there...keep up posted!

[astra77]

Thanks owl, The rollercoaster has momentarily slowed and i have my balance back. Im expecting a few curve balls, but i feel that once they are thrown at me i will be able to handle it alot better than i would have a few weeks ago. Telling was the HARD part, recovery is getting easier with each day, and I have you to thank for that my LS friend:love:

 

((OWL))

[Owl]

Honestly...recovery is not going to be that easy, my friend.

 

Those ups and downs get OLD...they wear you out HARD. And the fact that the two of you are on different rides, moving at different speeds...just adds to that.

 

You've got to understand something...YOU'LL probably recover far, FAR faster than your H will. You might feel recovered in a matter of weeks or a couple of months. He's probably going to take two years to get to that point. Seriously...

 

Not trying to take wind out of your sails, friend...just trying to help you see the path ahead. EXPECT it to get both better and worse. Start researching what you're going to be going through together...it'll help you deal with it.

 

YOU were the one who had the gumption for taking the steps to fix your marriage....not I. No credit for this is any way on me...all on you, sistah!

[Tomcat33]

Of course - it isnt an issue now - but it has been previously - sorry, i didnt explain properly. Just sympathising with a few of the newbys to

LS, NC was previously an issue for me but is not now.

 

I am able to easily do NC now coz i told my H - aint no better reason to do NC with xmm than my H finding out. H had no firm and concrete evidence that i was up to no good before i told him, so then i could easily break NC and txt, email etc xmm, but now that my h knows of A, this is my sole reason/purpose for NC - i will not jepodise my M just to contact xmm - he wont care but my h will !!

 

Thank god i told him. I needed to set myself a firm, deal killer boundary if that makes sense

 

 

It sort of sounds like you are relying on your H's actions to stick to your NC, when you say "ain't no better reason than to do NC with exmm than my H finding out" I can think if a few much better reasons actually, #1 mainly that YOU want NC and won't be turning back.

 

So let me ask you this:

 

What will you do when your H enters his hatred/anger phase when he feels ill at the sight of you, and feels like lashing out at you because it all sinks in? Then what? When he is temporarily indifferent to you will you have the strength to stay away from your MM then?

 

Reason I ask is because it seems common sense to me that you should not have told to gain strength through your H playing "parole officer" with you, you should have told because YOU are convinced there is no turning back and now your focus is on your marriage reagrdless of the outcome.

 

It worries me what will you do when things hit that fan again, and they will once your H's emotions catch up with him.

[Owl]

The longer she stays NC with OM...the more "strength" she'll build up in helping her prevent the recurrence of the affair. Right now, Astra is still in the "withdrawl phase"...so ANY reason for her to stay in that phase until its complete...without violating NC...is a good reason.

 

She's able to maintain NC more easily because she's got the support of her H...this isn't unusual. My wife went through a very similar process in our situation.

 

Trying to do this WITH her husband's support is going to be a LOT easier than without. That's the primary reason I always advise that the WS tell their BS abot the affair in the first place.

 

You've got a point about cautioning about the "anger phase" that her H will be going through...and that's a primary reason why they need to get into marriage counseling ASAP...so that they're ready to cope with that when it hits.

 

Her husband's "parole officer" response is NORMAL. Its actually pretty awesome that she's welcoming it...its a positive sign that she really is wanting to end the affair and work on her marriage. If he DOESN'T 'snoop'...he'll never rebuild his trust in her. At the beginning...its the only 'proof' he's got of her choice to end the cheating.

 

She's SMART to rely on it in the beginning when she's weakest and needs it most.

[astra77]

TC - I see what you are saying. As i have never been in this situation I dont know what to expect.

 

Owl - I am recovering much faster than H.

 

I guess Im at a point know where I have let go of the MM, the pain is too great and is destroying me.

 

My H is my priority right now, I am finding strength in him, which amazes me every day.

 

As for when he hits the anger stage and what i will do - im not sure. Will I be strong enough to deal with it - I dont know, I bloody hope so. I havent come this far only to give up when the **** hits the fan again.

 

TC, I dont know if I have the right attitude here or not, but i am taking every day as it comes, and dealing with it as it comes. I am expecting the unexpected every day. Actually I think I am still living hour by hour some days.

 

H and I have agreed to try our very best to stick together. And to be honest, I still do not know if i my marriage will work out ok in the end, its still VERY early days. H & I discussed that the only thing we can do is try. Lines of communication are more open than they have ever been since i met him. If its gonna work, it will work out ok, if it becomes too hard for one or both of us, atleast i can tell myself honestly that we both gave it our best, and if the M does end, I know i will have a life long friend in my H, and that we honestly gave it our best shot. I am extremly optimistic and hopeful of my M being a success, but as i have discovered over the last year, ANYTHING is possible, good or bad.

[astra77]

The longer she stays NC with OM...the more "strength" she'll build up in helping her prevent the recurrence of the affair. Right now, Astra is still in the "withdrawl phase"...so ANY reason for her to stay in that phase until its complete...without violating NC...is a good reason.

 

She's able to maintain NC more easily because she's got the support of her H...this isn't unusual. My wife went through a very similar process in our situation.

 

Trying to do this WITH her husband's support is going to be a LOT easier than without. That's the primary reason I always advise that the WS tell their BS abot the affair in the first place.

 

You've got a point about cautioning about the "anger phase" that her H will be going through...and that's a primary reason why they need to get into marriage counseling ASAP...so that they're ready to cope with that when it hits.

 

Her husband's "parole officer" response is NORMAL. Its actually pretty awesome that she's welcoming it...its a positive sign that she really is wanting to end the affair and work on her marriage. If he DOESN'T 'snoop'...he'll never rebuild his trust in her. At the beginning...its the only 'proof' he's got of her choice to end the cheating.

 

She's SMART to rely on it in the beginning when she's weakest and needs it most.

 

Owl, you get me - truely

 

I am still weak - im owning this right now

 

I am completely open to H snooping - go for it huny - i have nothing to hide, but a stack to be proud of given my situation. For the first time in a long time i am proud of my self and dare i say it - HAPPY with myself. At the back of my mind is the constant reminder of my A, that keeps me grounded and belts the **** out of me before i get too cocky.

[Tomcat33]

TC - I see what you are saying. As i have never been in this situation I dont know what to expect.

 

Owl - I am recovering much faster than H.

 

I guess Im at a point know where I have let go of the MM, the pain is too great and is destroying me.

 

My H is my priority right now, I am finding strength in him, which amazes me every day.

 

As for when he hits the anger stage and what i will do - im not sure. Will I be strong enough to deal with it - I dont know, I bloody hope so. I havent come this far only to give up when the **** hits the fan again.

 

TC, I dont know if I have the right attitude here or not, but i am taking every day as it comes, and dealing with it as it comes. I am expecting the unexpected every day. Actually I think I am still living hour by hour some days.

 

H and I have agreed to try our very best to stick together. And to be honest, I still do not know if i my marriage will work out ok in the end, its still VERY early days. H & I discussed that the only thing we can do is try. Lines of communication are more open than they have ever been since i met him. If its gonna work, it will work out ok, if it becomes too hard for one or both of us, atleast i can tell myself honestly that we both gave it our best, and if the M does end, I know i will have a life long friend in my H, and that we honestly gave it our best shot. I am extremly optimistic and hopeful of my M being a success, but as i have discovered over the last year, ANYTHING is possible, good or bad.

 

 

Attitude is everything and consitency in a path has to start from self conviction, it's not good enough to let others pick your path for you because life will always through temptation in your path and unless you are convinced of what you want and are doing for yourself you will be easily swayed to abandon your path when this happens. Tempation is easy to give in to when you are following rather than leading.

See what I mean? Are you convinced this is what you want?

 

 

I am just opening your eyes to the reality of where you stand. Right now things are easier to follow because you have temporary support from your H but what will happen when his resentment sets in and he starts to pull away, and the MM comes a knocking again? They always do after some time.

 

Be prepared for that, is all I am saying.

[whichwayisup]

i will not jepodise my M just to contact xmm - he wont care but my h will !!

But it should also come within. You should care just as much as your H about doing the NC. You have to want to do it, have NO desire whatsoever to contact your OM, no thoughts - Nothing. Doing it because of your marriage, your husband - Because you have to is much different than doing it because "you" want to.

 

Anyway, stay strong and don't lose focus. Don't ever cave if exMM tries to contact you in the future. Could be a month from now, or even 6 months to a year, don't let it shake you or make you doubt all the hard work you've accomplished.

[Owl]

I am just opening your eyes to the reality of where you stand. Right now things are easier to follow because you have temporary support from your H but what will happen when his resentment sets in and he starts to pull away, and the MM comes a knocking again? They always do after some time.

 

Be prepared for that, is all I am saying.

 

This I completely agree with. The trick is going to have a good enough foundation built in her marriage by the time that happens...and have it reinforced with good marriage counseling and a GAMEPLAN on how to deal with MM when he 'comes a knockin'.

 

Are you convinced this is what you want?

 

LOL...he's the problem. At the point where she's at in recovery...what she wants changes depending on where she's at in the rollercoaster ride. Somedays, she's all over falling in love again with her H. Others, she can barely get out of bed for the sheer reality of the end of the affair.

 

Right now, she can't base ANYTHING off her emotions...because they're all over the place.

 

What she CAN do is base her actions and plans off of the choice she's made, and simply TRUST that it will get better if she does her part. That's another part of where MC comes in...because they can give her the evidence, the 'proof' if you will that it CAN get better.

 

Right now...instead of focusing on what she WANTS, she's better served by taking the steps she knows she needs to take, and simply believe that it will get better with time and effort.

 

Focusing on what she WANTS is what got her in this predicament in the first place. And when you're as emotionally drained and conflicted as she probably is at this point...you're better off focusing on the ACTIONS you need to take, rather than the motivations behind them.

[Tomcat33]

But it should also come within. You should care just as much as your H about doing the NC. You have to want to do it, have NO desire whatsoever to contact your OM, no thoughts - Nothing. Doing it because of your marriage, your husband - Because you have to is much different than doing it because "you" want to.

 

 

This is EXACTLY it.

 

I want to see you succeed Astra, not coast along on other's wishes. To truly be in control you must control your own aspirations that are dictated from within, not from those that surround you. You may decide staying in your marriage is not what you want, so I do insist that you focus on what you want.

[astra77]

This I completely agree with. The trick is going to have a good enough foundation built in her marriage by the time that happens...and have it reinforced with good marriage counseling and a GAMEPLAN on how to deal with MM when he 'comes a knockin'.

 

 

 

LOL...he's the problem. At the point where she's at in recovery...what she wants changes depending on where she's at in the rollercoaster ride. Somedays, she's all over falling in love again with her H. Others, she can barely get out of bed for the sheer reality of the end of the affair.

 

Right now, she can't base ANYTHING off her emotions...because they're all over the place.

 

What she CAN do is base her actions and plans off of the choice she's made, and simply TRUST that it will get better if she does her part. That's another part of where MC comes in...because they can give her the evidence, the 'proof' if you will that it CAN get better.

 

Right now...instead of focusing on what she WANTS, she's better served by taking the steps she knows she needs to take, and simply believe that it will get better with time and effort.

 

Focusing on what she WANTS is what got her in this predicament in the first place. And when you're as emotionally drained and conflicted as she probably is at this point...you're better off focusing on the ACTIONS you need to take, rather than the motivations behind them.

 

Owl, when i read this i wept, THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW.

 

Im actually glad i read this (my thoughts now make some sense) I havent cried for a week, and boy was it a good release. I needed that.

 

Question - does the XMM really come back?? Please say NO, im too weak.

[astra77]

Attitude is everything and consitency in a path has to start from self conviction, it's not good enough to let others pick your path for you because life will always through temptation in your path and unless you are convinced of what you want and are doing for yourself you will be easily swayed to abandon your path when this happens. Tempation is easy to give in to when you are following rather than leading.

See what I mean? Are you convinced this is what you want?

 

 

I am just opening your eyes to the reality of where you stand. Right now things are easier to follow because you have temporary support from your H but what will happen when his resentment sets in and he starts to pull away, and the MM comes a knocking again? They always do after some time.

 

Be prepared for that, is all I am saying.

 

Oh my god how do I prepare for that TC - im way too emotional to even go there let alone make a decision regarding ANYTHING right now. HELP !!:confused::confused:

[Tomcat33]

Oh my god how do I prepare for that TC - im way too emotional to even go there let alone make a decision regarding ANYTHING right now. HELP !!:confused::confused:

 

Question - does the XMM really come back?? Please say NO, im too weak.

 

 

 

Ok ok don't panic Astra. In a lot of cases yes he does. As soon as the dust settles and things are calm again he will start sniffing around to see where your head is at. This is why I was saying for you to be convinced of what you are doing is fundamental so that when he does come around you will be able to deal with it accordingly and with your own goals in mind. What are your goals? I know you are happy your H knows about the affair because you owe it to him to stay away from MM but what are your own personal goals.

You don't have to decide anything right now, the only thing you need to focus on is why you broke up with MM.

[Elena62]

Ok ok don't panic Astra. In a lot of cases yes he does. As soon as the dust settles and things are calm again he will start sniffing around to see where your head is at. This is why I was saying for you to be convinced of what you are doing is fundamental so that when he does come around you will be able to deal with it accordingly and with your own goals in mind. What are your goals? I know you are happy your H knows about the affair because you owe it to him to stay away from MM but what are your own personal goals.

You don't have to decide anything right now, the only thing you need to focus on is why you broke up with MM.

 

I don't know if this will help. But my marriage is over because of my H's years of infidelities.

 

The OM for me was not a factor in my marriage break up - it had already broken apart. But from where you are at Astra, well I can say this:

 

Do not break NC! NC is for YOU, it's for you to gain clarity, for you to understand your actions and come to terms with them. It's important to set goals for yourself - as one individual - that you can bring into your marriage.

 

This is no easy task - it takes a huge amount of strength by turning your weaknesses around! Do anything possible to remove any temptation to contact MM. All old emails, texts, connections online such as IM even photographs. Archive them away. It took me time to do it and it will take time for you to do it too.

 

I made a diary, set target dates. Each date I set was in line with events that had taken place with MM. I did this deliberately to empower myself. It sounds unfeeling towards another person - but it isn't. It's feeling and loving towards self!

 

If your H see's you're doing this - that you are making a positive effort without too much show then he will realise that you are truly working towards an inner healing and growth.

 

And when H gets angry and withdraws from you (because that will happen) then go back and check your progress in your journals or diaries and see it as another opportunity for growth.

 

I've only broken NC once with MM in eight months. I needed my own personal closure and I got it. I am no longer tempted to even get in touch with him. The thought doesn't even enter my head.

 

Don't give up! But be your own person

[Tomcat33]

I think that's very helpful advice Elena.

 

It does take a lot of time to achieve the goal, and to succeed in maintaining NC you must do it for your own reasons. I know from experience that when you are not 100% about why you are making NC you will fail, you will give in to temptation.

 

On the idea that the affair was not what made your marriage end Elena, I can see that in quite a few of cases. The affair is a byproduct of significant problems that already exist between two people in a relationship, often times it is what breaks the camel's back but by no means does it happen out of the blue and with no presedence leading up to it.

 

 

Astra, can I ask you this: do you really want things finished with your OM and do you really want to recover your marriage with your H? Don't mean to pressure you with questions perhaps you are still trying to figure this out...? Which is understandable as well.

[Owl]

Astra, can I ask you this: do you really want things finished with your OM and do you really want to recover your marriage with your H? Don't mean to pressure you with questions perhaps you are still trying to figure this out...? Which is understandable as well.

 

TC, again I'm curious...what's the VALUE of asking this question at the very beginning of recovery? She's almost certainly not sure of ANYTHING right now...she thinks she knows what she wants, but at this point, its very common that she's not even completely clear in her own mind.

 

That's what the 'withdrawl phase' is all about. She's mourning the loss of the relationship with OM. OF COURSE she'll be conflicted during that time frame over whether she wants her marriage, or her affair.

 

This is NORMAL...business as usual...its one of the first phases of marital recovery after an affair.

 

I doubt she could answer your question with 100% surety right now. I'd be amazed if she could, in truth.

[astra77]

TC - if i am honest with myself i actually cant answer your question. I havent gotten that far just yet, but i am trying to work on it.

[Tomcat33]

TC - if i am honest with myself i actually cant answer your question. I havent gotten that far just yet, but i am trying to work on it.

 

Thanks for answering that.

 

So I want to be crystal clear on what you are saying:

 

You don't know if you want things to work out with your spouse.

And you are not sure you want things to be over with the OM.

 

I read this correctly right?

[astra77]

Yes TC.

 

XMM has caused me so much pain - it makes no sense to keep pursing things with him though. He has destroyed me totally and I could never go back to the A it would kill me.

 

I am waiting for the gravity of it all to hit my H as it hasnt yet and im fully expecting him to leave me or have a payback A.

 

At the moment all i know is that the A destroyed me and i never want to go through that again. As for feelings - trying to block everything out.