Rational

[citysreetz]

Around a year ago my girlfriend and I broke-up while she was pregnant. She dropped me. I was being a real jerk and I got physical but did not hit her. I pushed her twice, and once she fell. I can understand that what I did was an act of violence and immaturity. I don't disagree with her decision.

 

We got back together after being split-up for 3 months. Our daughter is 4 months old. We have been back together for around 6 months since my act of immaturity. Ever since we have been back together everything has been totally awesome!! The feeling is mutual. I put an engagement ring on her finger and we have talked about getting a place together this August.

We love eachother very much.

 

Heres my situation- About 5 days ago I went to her job because I got a little upset that she hung-up on me at work when I was trying to tell her something important. She had a very bad habit of not having her ringer on or the vibrate feature on her phone. This alwyas lead me to calling her a dozen times just to try and say "hi" or anything else.

 

This is what I was trying to stress to her when I caled her at work. The whole BAD COMMUNICATION issue. She totally blew me off and hung-up on me. I was not trying to be argumentive whatsoever. I was a little angry but I was in control of my emotions.

 

So I go up to her job after she hung-up on me. This was an 1 1/2hr before her shift ended, which would make it 11 pm. She told me I could sit out in the parking lot until she got off and we would chat. I didnt think I was being treated fairly so I insisted that she came outside rightaway.

 

We went outside and talked a few minutes but I wasnt satisfied so I waited out in the parking lot until she got off.

 

I waited all that time so she could basically tell me that she was really tired from work and we can chat in the morning about it. I had to work early the next morning so that made me a little more angrier.

 

The next day she sends me a text letting me know that she will work on the communication issue. This issue has been ongoing let me say first. I have talked with her about communiaction in similar issues. Before, she was doing nothing but texting!! Never any phone calls!!

Eventually we agreed on text and call.

 

Now here she goes with no phone notification whatsoever! She doesnt know she even received a call or text until she looks at her phone. I would wait 2 hours for a partial reply to one message. Very very aggravating!

 

The day before yesterday, 3 days we spoke at her job it happens again.

It was her day off and she said after she got her hair done she would be over to see me. Her appointment was at 10am. It got pushed back to 12pm because her beautician was late. Thats fine with me. She called and told me. I asked her what time she would be over. She says 4pm.

Well 4 pm rolls around and I send her a text. 30 mintues later I send her a text. 30 minutes later I call her. Straight to voicemail. I calles her 2 more times and waited until 5:45 before I jumped in my car. She answers my text when I'm on my way over to her house. She says she didnt get out of there until around 4:45.

 

Now, wouldnt you think she would have called me??? She text again and says she ran a couple errands afterwards. Why not call me??? She knows shes late seeing me.

 

I get to her house and we talk outside. I am very irrate at this point. I'm fed-up to say the least!! I ask her to hand me her phone and I call it while were both standing there. IT DOESNT RING!!! I ask her why?? She says it was an accident. BULLCRAP!! It takes more than one button to turn off the notification on her phone and I told her so.

 

I started shouting and yelling. Telling her I was sick of the bullcrap!!

Even called her the "b" word and said she was inconsiderate of my needs for communication. It was heated on my part. I did a lot of cussing and yelling. We got in our cars and went back to my place.

 

She left an hour later. I thought we were on the same page when she left. She apologized for her obsessive behaviour. I also verified her appointment. She was where she says she was. She is also not a woman to cheat on me. She never has been and I believe that in my heart.

 

Once she gets home she starts texting me. Talkin crap to me rightaway!

How I embarrased her at her job and how I threw a fit outside her house.

Ok, to the punchline that I need advice on--

 

She is now reverting back to a year ago when I was violent. She says I have broken her heart twice now and she doesnt trust me. She cancelled our marriage and she doesnt want the three of us to move-in together(me, her, and the baby).

 

She came over yesterday with the baby. She let me put the ring back on her finger and I promised her that I wasnt that guy that I was a year ago.

I explained to her that I wasnt the only one guilty here. She caused me to act a fool. She doesnt see that though. I am the bad guy!! She left and I thought once again that things were cool. She sends me a text and says she doesnt want to get married anymore.....WOW!! I reply "ok,bye" and I havent heard from her all day.

 

Whats the deal here??? We both were wrong but her apology seems to mean more than mine and now I am back in that "violent box".

 

WTF?? Help please, anyone??????

[zxcirce]

It really doesn't sound like things are awesome at all. You sound controlling and scary to me. Most people will understand if a person doesn't check their phone for messages for two hours. You act like it's an act of betrayal.

 

And going to her work to talk to her because you got a "little upset" that she hung up on you? That's just over the top.

 

Saying that she is becoming like she was when you were violent, now that's scary. You're putting the blame on her for not acting as you want, in essence saying that she makes you do these things (NOT HIT, BUT PUSH...big difference? no difference).

 

I don't think you're ready to get married.

[citysreetz]

I dont agree. This phone crap has been an ONGOING issue. I think you missed that part. No communication= no relationship. Anyone in my shoes would get aggravated a p'd off. You can only be nice about it for so long. I was fed up. Thanks for the comment nonetheless.

[citizen67]

Let me start with this - I totally understand that you want the kind of relationship where you are both each other's 1st priority, and where, if you call, you know the person will call back asap - even if its brief, especially if you have told the person that this matters alot to you, and, based on the circumstances, its not unreasonable to ask for - I want that too.

I think your gut feeling that the lack of communication signals something deeper - like never having gotten over the violent incidents, and now there's a kid, and, yeah, believe, me that everyone who hears this story from HER side is going to say to her "Run for the hills!" because you are being very controlling and kinda scary. You need to chill out - maybe make a call, and ask her whether, if you are willing to undergo some counseling, would she keep open the possibility of patching things up with you in 6 months. Dude - she texted that she didnt want to get married b/c she is afraid of you

[Faded]

Agree with the commenter above you.

 

The fact that you seemingly need to check on her shows you have some pretty insane trust issues. If she's working, why do you need to talk to her every waking moment? - If she doesn't answer, maybe she's busy? I know I don't hound my phone when i'm working watching for calls from my SO.

 

Your aggresiveness and constant anger towards her when things don't go your way probably led her to believe you reverted back to the jerk that got physical and pushed her.

 

I really suggest relationship counciling for the both of you if you want to pull through this.

 

Just my 2cents.

[zxcirce]

Sure. You feel disrespected that she doesn't pay attention to you and communicate in what you believe to be a timely manner. I get that.

 

It's more the fact that you're placing blame on her for doing these things and making you into that violent person again. BS. You're an abuser and she's smart not to want to marry you.

[zxcirce]

 

I pushed her twice, and once she fell.

 

I went to her job because I got a little upset that she hung-up on me at work

 

So I go up to her job after she hung-up on me.

 

I insisted that she came outside rightaway.

 

We went outside and talked a few minutes but I wasnt satisfied so I waited out in the parking lot until she got off.

 

I would wait 2 hours for a partial reply to one message. Very very aggravating!

 

I started shouting and yelling.

 

Even called her the "b" word and said she was inconsiderate of my needs for communication.

 

I did a lot of cussing and yelling.

 

I also verified her appointment.

 

She is now reverting back to a year ago when I was violent.

 

She caused me to act a fool.

 

now I am back in that "violent box".

 

 

I wasn't just referring to the phone issue either. These are major red flags. You seem controlling and abusive. Normal healthy relationships aren't like this.

[SeraBella]

You do realize that she could lose her job because of your behavior, don't you? Many employers require cell phones to be turned off or on silent...it's not a "bad habit" it's just proper when you are working. Also, many employers frown upon personal calls during work hours, and definitely frown upon personal visits.

 

I agree with everything that has been said.

 

I definitely feel some counseling is in order.

 

I'm sorry you are so upset about this but you have somewhat unrealistic expectations. Her behavior does not seem awful at all.

[LoveLace]

Have you never thought that the pushing incident could make her afraid of you in the future, even if you haven't been violent with her since? And that she might be extra sensitive to "cussing and yelling" because of that incident? She's worried about what you are capable of if she breaks up with you. She's worried what you might be capable of doing to the child. Her emotional roller-coaster and distance are results of what you did to her. She probably loves you. But you shouldn't be afraid of the person you love, and you should be able to trust them. Couples therapy and Indivdual therapy would be of great benefit to you both. This is also true for post-relationship. I reccomend you also educate yourself on stress managment. It can teach you techniques on how to manage anger or anxiety. But this doesn't mean you can blame your "stalker-ish" behavior on an anxiety disorder -- however I do believe there is some underlying reason for your behavior. Finding out what that is could help you.

[LoveLace]

If you don't resolve your own issues, the relationship will not work out. There is a huge vulnerability for your anger to escalate from here on up, making you a risk to the woman, and the next thing you know there will be a restraining order. This is the time when an abused woman is at the highest risk of being killed by their partners. You might not be so dangerous for things like that to happen anytime soon. But please, please, take extreme measures to keep it that way.

[porter218]

I think you really need counseling. This whole situation is scary. I don't blame her for hanging up on you...I am sure she could feel your irrational side coming out and no need to continue the conversation south. I can even feel it from how you type. You are a very angry and controlling person. She may have put up with your cr@p for a longer period of time the last go around but remember she has a baby now and any smart woman would leave quicker to protect her baby from seeing your behavior. Leave her be and seek professional help. You shouldn't be treating her like this.

[mscomplex]

I do not want to reiterate what everyone here is saying but from what I have read all of the posts are on point. I dated a gentleman who behaved similarly to you. While I loved him dearly I was afraid to know him in the future. We dated for about 4 years. I canceled our wedding plans (although we had not set a date) and moved out. When this guy was kind, he was the greatest man in the world but when he wasn't...he wasn't. I went to get my hair done and called to let him know I would be done in about an hour based on my own estimation. Well I wasn't and when I got home he was so pissed off about it and completely threw a fit. I just happened to underestimate how long it would take to finish my hair and my stylist took longer. It was not a purposely or malicious act. It was things like that that I finally said: if I have innocent children with this man, I do not want them to know him. There were so many other things he threw fits about. He had such a temper and was able to go from zero to ten in no time flat. I have no doubts that had I married him all of the temper tantrums and blow ups would have led to physical abuse. I ended things after weighing all of the pro's and cons. I did get back with him when he came back but the minute I did he put that attitude back on and jumped in his car and went to his home. The minute I said ok I would give it another shot, I felt like I had just been sentenced to a crime. I thought about it and jumped in my car and ending up driving up to his home at the same time. I told him that I said yes but could not do it. We exchanged a few words, he got upset and grabbed my shirt before realizing it and then letting me go and apologized. I think this guy was really devoted to me and pretty much catered to my every need but I am a very easy going person and I was tired of walking on egg shells. The slightest thing could upset him from me talking too much to people after church to taking to long to come home and talking on the phone. As far as the cell phone, think about how we communicated before we had them. We never knew where anyone was until they got where they were going. In any event, I strongly suggest you take a long hard look at yourself right now. Think about your reactions to things and ask yourself is your reaction the norm or the exception. If someone ever came to my place of employment to discuss our relationship.....wow. My guy would wait until 3am and then tap me on the shoulder to wake me up with "we need to talk." Communication needs to be constructive from the setting to the content. Some things just are not that deep and can be discussed rationally. Relationships are tough enough without us finding things to upset us. Take a step back and realize from her point of view where she is coming from. I e-mailed my guy (text messages were not in at the time) because I did not want to try to reason with someone who I knew did not nor would not hear what I was saying because he was trying to get out his point. Now that you all have a child, she probably doesn't want to expose them to the drama. I am not trying to make you feel bad and she may even give you another shot but unless you work on yourself, she will soon get tired of it. IMO

[Treasa]

I agree that you sound scary and controlling. If I were her, I don't think I'd want you around me or my child, even though you are the father.