Completely lost one month later

[Katherineos123]

I'll try to make this long story short...

 

My ex and I broke up a month ago. The break up was more or less amlicable, although he initiated it.

 

We had a wonderful time together for the most part, we were best friends...

 

The reason we split in the first place was mostly because of my past hardships, (losing both of my parents) and my previous relationship (my first love, lasted 3 years, but the guy was a jerk and broke my heart into a million pieces) ... Both situations have lead me to have some pretty debilitating abandonment issues, a problem in our relationship. Me not being confident in myself, terrified he was going to leave me, creating petty arguments, blah blah blah...

 

So we split, on the premise that he told me he thinks I need to go to therapy to work out these issues. Something I had been planning on doing for a long time, but this break up was the catalyst. I begged for another try and a few days later he wrote me an email saying "It MIGHT be worth another shot, but I feel like this is best for both of us" He also told me that he misses me a lot, but that he wants me to be happy with myself, and that he thinks I need to be "on my own for a while" Is this some sort of "cop-out", "let you down easy" way to dump someone? Hes a really honest, caring guy, not a scum bag in any way, Do you think he really means he would be willing to try again after a little break?

 

I know that he did this out of genuine feelings for me. He is a wonderful guy who doesnt have a mean bone in his body, and I miss him so much. For the past month Ive been going to therapy, and doin my own thing, which is working out very well for me so far, but I really hope that he will give me another try.

 

Its been a month of no contact until last night. He wrote me a messgae saying:

 

"Just saying hi. It looks like you had alot of fun on your vacation, I hope you had a blast and I hope the game tonight is exciting. (Im a die hard Red Sox fan and went to the game last night with a friend!! ) I also just wanted to see how your doing. I know it's been awhile since we've talked or seen each other. I want you to know that I'm not trying to be mean, I just thought it would be easier on us if we weren't in contact for awhile. I hope everything is going well for you."

 

I really am starting to feel better since going to therapy, and I see the ways in which my own problems lead to the demise of my relationship with him, but I cant seem to shake him from my mind. I want to try again more than anything. I miss him and I know he misses me. I know things would be different this time around... Do you think him and I stand a chance at recconciliation?

 

Im going to write him back and just tell him what Ive been up to, keep it simple, upbeat, etc, but Im so tempted to just ask him straight up if he's planning on giving in another try with me someday, but Im so scared to get the answer... Any suggestions? Any similar situations out there?

[Faded]

If you're going to write him. Keep it simple. Don't come straight out and ask if you have another shot or not. baaaad idea.

[vonerik012]

Let me ask..

 

Have you really gotten over all of the abandonment issues, insecurity etc in only a month?

 

I dated a woman I was very interested in, but she had many of the same issues. I find it hard to believe she would somehow be a different person so quickly. No matter how much I reassured her, she just assumed I was going to leave her. She proceeded to almost sabotage everything on purpose. it was very frustrating.

[Katherineos123]

Hi there! Thanks to both of you for responding...

 

Faded: I think you're absolutely right. Im not going to, as much as I want to. I know that not only is there potential for him to tell me something I dont want to hear, but that could put any sort of friendship we could salvage in jeporady too. Thanks for your advice

 

Vonerik: Absolutely not. I know I havent. These are wounds that will take a LONG time to heal, if ever. I wasnt trying to imply that I want to try again with him right now. Just in the future, I would love to know that he would be willing to give me another chance. I can understand why a situation like the one you were in with your ex would be frustrating, and I know that these are issues I must work on by myself. I was merely asking if you thought, with the information given, that he seemed as if he would be willing to try again with me sometime.

 

Its not that we fought all the time, just moreso towards the end. Things got a little more serious, and I just sort of panicked. I was so scared that he was going to leave that I sabotaged the whole thing myself. It was a complete catch twenty two. My fear that he was going to leave me, forced him to leave me. Its every day that I wished I handled things differently. I beat myself up thinking I ruined the best thing that has happened to me so far. Its been very difficult for me to come to terms with this, and the fact that he might be willing to come back. That being said, does anyone have any suggestions of how I could improve this situation?

[Zofia]

Yeah. Stop thinking about him and work on yourself. He's right about that. Go back to no contact if a single email from him is messing you up like this, and you are still wishing "every day" that you handled things differently and beat yourself up over it. What's done is done; you can't change it, you can just resolve to do better in the future. Maybe reconciliation is possible, but that's not the place your focus should be right now. It should be about you and working through your issues. If you reconcile and you're not truly ready for it, then you'll find yourself sabotaging it again, anyway, so just forget about it.

 

Definitely don't ask him right now if he'd consider giving you another try in the future; you'll just sound needy, especially so soon. A simple friendly response email is probably fine, but I wouldn't go back into regular communication, or make any overtures towards it.

 

Oh and also, don't get into a relationship with anyone else right now.

[Treasa]

I totally ditto what Zofia said. Truly and completely. And I've been exactly where you are, and have done exactly what you did.

 

If you haven't yet replied to him (sorry if I missed that part), just write back, keep it brief and upbeat, and tell him not to worry about it.

 

And then go back to focusing on YOURSELF. If you're happy with you, you'll attract others as well.

[Katherineos123]

Thanks Zofia and Treasa for responding.

 

I wrote him back tonight, two days later. I just told him how my vacation was, and kept it upbeat and positive. I didnt ask him any questions in return, not because I dont want to know, but moreso because I feel like if he really wanted to know how Im doing, he'd pick up the phone and call. Forget this passive aggressive messaging, even though I understand that its hard for both of us right, let alone to hear the other one's voice, so I ended the message with "It really is good to hear from you, I hope you are doing well. Give me a call sometime!"

 

Its so strange because that day was the day of the Red Sox game that I went to. I went throughout my day, one in which I was feeling particularly strong, and went to the game with a good friend of mine. We had such a good time! It was one of my favorite games ever, and by the time I walked into my apartment, I remember thinking to myself "what a good night! I think that this is longest Ive gone, since we've broken up, without thinking of him..." I felt very empowered by this. Then I check my email, and BAM! Remember ME?! Its like he knew somehow...

 

Im trying to go back to being able to completely focus on myself and my own recovery, but as Im sure everyone here knows, thats much easier said than done. I cant help but think about him, and I miss him so much that its rather depleting. Its only been a month since the split, so the wounds are pretty fresh. Im trying as best I can, but sometimes I just feel so weak...

[sultry33]

Thanks Zofia and Treasa for responding.

 

I wrote him back tonight, two days later. I just told him how my vacation was, and kept it upbeat and positive. I didnt ask him any questions in return, not because I dont want to know, but moreso because I feel like if he really wanted to know how Im doing, he'd pick up the phone and call. Forget this passive aggressive messaging, even though I understand that its hard for both of us right, let alone to hear the other one's voice, so I ended the message with "It really is good to hear from you, I hope you are doing well. Give me a call sometime!"

 

Its so strange because that day was the day of the Red Sox game that I went to. I went throughout my day, one in which I was feeling particularly strong, and went to the game with a good friend of mine. We had such a good time! It was one of my favorite games ever, and by the time I walked into my apartment, I remember thinking to myself "what a good night! I think that this is longest Ive gone, since we've broken up, without thinking of him..." I felt very empowered by this. Then I check my email, and BAM! Remember ME?! Its like he knew somehow...

 

Im trying to go back to being able to completely focus on myself and my own recovery, but as Im sure everyone here knows, thats much easier said than done. I cant help but think about him, and I miss him so much that its rather depleting. Its only been a month since the split, so the wounds are pretty fresh. Im trying as best I can, but sometimes I just feel so weak...

 

 

i think you are doing great.. you have realised your faults and tackled them head on.. reading your thread made me realise that i too had the he will leave me thoughts.. maybe it is infact a condition.. something id never really thought about.. hmmm..

 

well your ex sounds like a really good guy and he has your best interests at heart.. it sounds like maybe in the future you could stand a chance..

he has not given up on you..

just dont beg keep it nice an friendly and continue focusing on yourself..

 

you will have good days and bad days its life.. its how you deal with it that matters..

 

hugs to you x

[Katherineos123]

Thanks so much Sultry. Your post really made me feel a lot better. I appreciate your kind words and support. I really do.

 

My ex really is an amazing man, which is making it that much harder to let him go! He wrote me back again this morning, and made some small talk about my cat... haha. But its making me feel better to know that he is still thinking about me, and youre right, it shows he hasnt given up on me.

 

Im trying as hard as I can to keep up the "whatever will be will be" mentality, but like you said, I have good days and bad days. Talking to my therapist helps a ton, and I have some pretty amazing friends. Im only 23 so I know I have a lot of time ahead of me to try and work some of these things out, I just wish he were here to help me through it.

 

Oh, and Zofia, I didnt read your last statement until now. I appreciate your advice, but the whole "retaliation relationship" just isnt my style. Ive never been one to get involved with someone to make someone else jealous, especially not now when I have enough on my plate to deal with as it is! Plus, I only have eyes for one guy.

[vonerik012]

When you were with him, and sabotaging the relationship, what were you thinking? Did you know you were doing it at the time, or are you realizing that now?

[Katherineos123]

When you were with him, and sabotaging the relationship, what were you thinking? Did you know you were doing it at the time, or are you realizing that now?

 

 

Hmmm... Good question.... A little of colomn A, a little of colomn B...

 

It was strange because Ive never been a "needy" type, at least not in my previous relationships. As I said before, Im only 23, and Ive only had two other relationships before this one, one of which was quite serious. We dated for three years, lived together for two. All in all, we had a very healthy relationship, he did his thing, I did mine. I was never over bearing, or paranoid, or naggy... We went through a lot together, some pretty heavy stuff, he stuck by me the whole time, he was my rock. I was head over heals for him, and he left me and never looked back, completely washed his hands clean of it, no explanation at all... To this day, I still have no idea what happened.

 

Needless to say, this screwed me up pretty good, and it took me a long time just to stop sobbing all day and all night, let alone start dating again... But then I met my current ex, and I was so excited! We started off as friends and it blossomed... I fell in love with him very quickly, and thought we would stay happy forever. Then a couple of months into the relationship, I started to act not myself. I became very paranoid, it was kind of unexplainable. I would assume that his feelings werent genuine, and it would upset me. I was convinced that he was just sort of "going through the motions with me" that he wasnt in it the way I was. All of which he attested to, but I never believed him.

 

These delusions lead to unecessary fights, little tiffs, and otherwise trivial BullShiz, the vast majority of which would have been avoided, had I just been more comfortable with myself, and with the fact that someone that wonderful (and dreamy ) could have chosen to be with ME.

 

It was strange in that at the time, I knew I wasnt acting like myself, and I knew that it was pushing him away from me, but I couldnt stop it! I just kept feeling like he was going to betray me. It was too good to be true... So I ruined it.

 

Most of this reflection has come during the last month without him. Towards the end, I knew it was getting messy, and I tried to stop these obsessions, but I wasnt strong enough. Its really all quite pathetic. I wish I could tell him all this.

 

Sorry for the lengthy response... Thanks for reading if anyone has gotten this far!

[vonerik012]

Did he act in a way that led you to believe he might betray you?

 

I think your behavior is not THAT uncommon.

 

With my ex, I just had a feeling I could never get close to her. Things stayed at the level of jealousy, insecurity, etc. CONSTANTLY.

 

It was as if we could never actually talk about anything of importance, because she was always thinking I was going to leave her. And that led to arguments, etc. She actually would tell me she "knows" I am seeing someone else.

 

It was so bizarre, as I was not thinking of any other woman in the world.

 

If i have to constantly reassure her it almost sounds fake. I mean how many times can i tell her I am not seeing someone else, don't have plans to leave her etc.

 

Do you think you would be able to open up to him or someone else in the future? And not just mask your insecurities or hide them better?

 

As an example, if he let you back into his life, would you be on "good behavior" for a while, then slip back into the same mode? I just wonder if people can change.

 

And also, you actually thought it was too good to be true? My ex said that about me. So maybe it is just a bad fit, and you would be comfortable with a person not as good? Maybe someone you need to help, or someone with similar flaws, etc..?

[Katherineos123]

Did he act in a way that led you to believe he might betray you?

 

I think your behavior is not THAT uncommon.

 

With my ex, I just had a feeling I could never get close to her. Things stayed at the level of jealousy, insecurity, etc. CONSTANTLY.

 

It was as if we could never actually talk about anything of importance, because she was always thinking I was going to leave her. And that led to arguments, etc. She actually would tell me she "knows" I am seeing someone else.

 

It was so bizarre, as I was not thinking of any other woman in the world.

 

If i have to constantly reassure her it almost sounds fake. I mean how many times can i tell her I am not seeing someone else, don't have plans to leave her etc.

 

Do you think you would be able to open up to him or someone else in the future? And not just mask your insecurities or hide them better?

 

As an example, if he let you back into his life, would you be on "good behavior" for a while, then slip back into the same mode? I just wonder if people can change.

 

And also, you actually thought it was too good to be true? My ex said that about me. So maybe it is just a bad fit, and you would be comfortable with a person not as good? Maybe someone you need to help, or someone with similar flaws, etc..?

 

 

Hi Vonerik. Im sorry for the delayed response, I was without the internet for a while! EEEEP!

 

To answer your questions, No, I never thought he was going to betray me/cheat on me. That was never my fear... Hes just simply not that kinda guy. To be honest, I have no idea why I was so insecure with him. I feel like it has a lot to do with my past. I was burned very badly by the guy I dated before him. Maybe I simply never got over it. Ive also have a lot of other hardships and loses, both of my parents, and I think its safe to say that all of this has lead to some pretty serious abandonment issues. So, it was never really about him betraying me in a physical sense, it was moreso, I was terrified to be so attatched to him for fear that he was eventually going to leave me just like everyone else. Its really all pretty pathetic.

 

In all honesty, I truly feel like, if given another chance, our relationship would be different, although I know these issues are going to take a long time for me to sort through. Bottom line is, I took him for granted. I was mistrusting, insecure, demanding, and scared. I would give anything to be able to show him that I realize this.