Rafa Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 This has taken me by surprise. Today, my girlfriend of a year and half has given me an ultimatum. We currently don't live together. I live and work in the city and she lives about a 1.5hr drive away (off-peak traffic) in the country, we only see each other at weekends. She has said that the relationship can no longer continue like it is. We must take it to the next level - in other words, I have to move in with her - or the relationship is over. This would mean me having to rethink my career (which has taken me years to build). Living at her house would mean driving for at least 4 hours a day because of the rush hour traffic. A good friend of mine recently had a nervous breakdown from spending 4 hours a day traveling to and from work. I love this girl a lot. We get on great, and have wonderful times together. I think there is more to it than this, she says that sometimes I put up a barrier between us - I in some way keep her a little distant from me emotionally sometimes. Anyway the thought of losing this girl is horrendous to me, it's the best relationship I've ever had. But with my career I have a real shot at making something of my life - she understands this - while she lives in the middle of nowhere. I feel physically sick right now, she only left my house a couple of hours ago after breaking the news and I have nobody to talk to about it, my best friend won't pick up. She admits that we are soul mates, it would be inconceivable for me to lose her. She won't move down here to the city because she has a 6yr old daughter who is secure and well adjusted in the town where they live. What can I do? Any kind words or advice would be much appreciated.
lajonesin Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I feel so bad for you that you had no one to talk to at the moment you really needed someone. That sucks. Anyway, your situation is interesting in that I can't figure out what is the real reason for her ultimatum. It seems to me that a strong, mature and lasting love would find a way to move Heaven and Earth to be together. Nothing should be off the table in coming to a compromise on this. Not your job or her child. A 6 year old can adjust quite easily to moving and a job is not your life nor should it ever be. Your life is your life with the person you can't live without no matter what. Was she pushing for a committment (like marriage) and used the distance as her excuse to do so? Is it really so awful to only spend weekends together vs never seeing each other ever again? Or is it that you have no intention of ever marrying her and moving to the country as per her dreams? This has got to be about something bigger than a 1.5 hour drive! I can't seem to find my soulmate but if I ever did, I can tell you that I would travel to wherever he was whenever I could just to spend ten minutes with him. Find out what the real issue is here and get moving on it!
Author Rafa Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Hi lajonesin. I want to thank you for replying to my post. It is now the morning after and your words are a comfort to me. It's true that if we really are in love, and really are soul-mates, then we can overcome what doesn't appear to be a huge problem here. My fear is that there are other issues causing this. She sent me a text last night saying that she was spending every moment thinking about us. To me she seems to have changed a bit in the last few months. She has become very single-minded about what she wants in her life. Her job/career, her home/security, her future; she seems very driven recently to get things as she wants them. She has been reading self-help books by people like Anthony Robbins. She hasn't been pushing for marriage, although we both agree that we should live together before marriage, and moving in together is the first step in that direction, which has brought about the ultimatum. One of the things that came up yesterday while she was dropping the bombshell, was that she said she didn't want any more children. She feels that I may want children and in years to come may resent her for not giving me any. I've said I can handle not having kids, if it means I can be with the one I love. She will surely come back with some kind of decision in the next couple of days. Again lajonesin, thank-you so much for your reply, it means a lot to me.
lajonesin Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 You are very welcome. Glad I could be helpful. And thanks for your post as well. Personally, I think Tony Robbins is an awful person. There should be an anti-TR method out there. I have run across some of his followers in the past and you are right in that they seem to all believe they have the right to whatever they desire at anyone's expense, to some degree or another. Bottom line though is that she was searching for something in the first place and found him. Nothing wrong with self improvement though. However, it should be about what is best for the 'we' not the 'me' in a relationship. Don't worry....you guys will make it through this if you remember what's important. That you found each other in this world and nothing is going to stop you from being together.
LoveLace Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 She wants what is best for her child, and you want what is best for your career. Both are right for that. Driving 4 hours for work is ridiculous. I agree that a child her age can easily adjust to a new environment; as long as the parents feel that the environment is a safe place to raise a child. The fact is it would be miserable to make a commute like that everyday, and your GF should take that into consideration, as much as you realize that she considers her daughter in the matter....and think about the gas $ that would go towards that...that would be a huge chunk from what you could use for other living expenses. Unless it would be easy for you to further your career in the community where she lives, I think you should go with what is best for YOU in this situation. Tell her your career means as much to you as her daughter does to her, and suggest finding a compromise..such as continuing to see each other on weekends, until maybe something changes and allows you two to finally live together. It needs to be a situation that makes you BOTH happy; not just one person, because that would strain the relationship and maybe even cause resentment. Is it really that crucial for you to live together now vs. later?
Rooster_DAR Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 This is all about her child and security, I would bet money on it. You have to make a decision, If you love her as much as you say you do then it should not be too hard to move to the next level. If you have issues and concerns, you need to talk with her about them. Choose wisely my friend,
Blue Strawberry Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I have to say that the way she has approached this puts me off very much. even before you were saying she was into self-help books lately, I could tell she was following a formula of how to handle this. Like, give him the ultimatum, yet let him know how much you love him and how much he means to you. She could have expressed her concerns and expectations in the relationship without making into "It's my way or the highway" type of discussion. I think a conversation like this warrants a 2-way discussion. Honestly, she seems very selfish. Sorry, but I do. She is not considering your job or life whatsoever, and she is not compromising in any way, even stating she will not have a child with you. She is willing to make you have an awful commute for your career, and she is not willing to compromise anything for you. It sounds like you WOULD like to have a child of your own and she says "No way, you don't get anything you want and which is better for you, it's all about what I want, you move here with me, oh, and by the way, you don't get to have a child with me, no way." It's like she thinks she is the prize that you win, you're not a prize she will do anything for. I would consider her behavior and if this is really the behavior and attitude of a woman who truly is your soulmate.
LoveLace Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 I'd say Blue Strawberry put it pretty well... What will the next thing be that you'd probably have to make sacrifices for? What about if she gets a career opportunity that she won't pass on for YOU. I'm just saying..sounds like maybe there's a lot more from where this is coming from! What if you still find yourself in a situation like this in the future? Stand your ground on what you want - and I know it's hard to know what you want more right now. Are there goals that you have in your career? Do you have a plan for yourself maybe? Her demands shouldn't interfere with any of that.They shouldn't be demands in the 1st place...it doesn't seem like there is much room for compromise in your situation, either. You are either going to sacrifice something huge, or your a single man. You should give her the ultimatum right back, to either keep the weekend arrangement, or it's over...there ya go.
Author Rafa Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Thanks everyone for your replies, it's amazing how helpful this place is. This quote really has me thinking: I would consider her behavior and if this is really the behavior and attitude of a woman who truly is your soulmate. Anyway, I went up to see her last night and we had a big talk about everything. She still stands firm on most things but for the time being we've agreed to keep it together under the proviso that I spend at least 4 nights at her house per week. It will still be a bit of a drama driving backwards and forwards but at least I can spend 3 work nights in the city. It has really got me thinking though. When I got into this relationship I had one prerequisite about girlfriends: that my happiness is as important to them as their happiness is to me. I am very concerned that she is only really thinking about her own needs (and her child's needs) but not considering any of my needs. So for the time being the horror of the break-up has been postponed; but I fear that i have a lot of thinking to do and the outcome is very uncertain. thanks again, Rafa
Recommended Posts