Are men more clingy and insecure?

[LovehateLove]

The men that I met and know seem to share a lot of the same traits that are traditionally connected with women. Clinginess, co-dependency, controlling behaviour and insecurity.

 

It seems when a women falls for a man, her fall is relatively small in constrast to a man's which tends to fall from outter space. The men I know and have met seem to text their girlfriend's non-stop, get insecure when they are around other men and generally try and control their girlfriends as if they are an object. I guess equal rights for women has left some men feeling a little insecure and unsure of what their role actually is.

 

Is this a general trend with men, or is just where I live? Because usually the men where I live lose all self respect, dignity and integrity when a woman ditches them and they spend weeks on end in the pub drowing their sorrows. Desperately trying to get their woman back.

[DunnoWhat]

It could be where you live.

 

Anybody - men or women - will experiance a loss if all their happiness is based on a relationship and that ends. If you rely on a woman to make you happy then you start to become clingy, insecure and basically annoying to the woman and the same with women for men.

[porter218]

Is this a general trend with men, or is just where I live? Because usually the men where I live lose all self respect, dignity and integrity when a woman ditches them and they spend weeks on end in the pub drowing their sorrows. Desperately trying to get their woman back.

That is absolutely true!! At least from what I have seen. I have never lost my composure or self respect during a break up but my exs always have gone off the deep-end. More so when I had lived with them and then told them to hit the road.

[Taramere]

Is this a general trend with men, or is just where I live? Because usually the men where I live lose all self respect, dignity and integrity when a woman ditches them and they spend weeks on end in the pub drowing their sorrows. Desperately trying to get their woman back.

 

Hmmm? Most people, male or female, find it tricky to get over the break up of a relationship that's important to them. People aren't robots who just need a quick recharge before they're back into action. Being upset over a break-up/needing a bit of time to get over it doesn't equate with losing all self respect, dignity and integrity. You might choose to lose respect for a guy who has difficulty bouncing back after a break up. That doesn't mean he's lost respect for himself though.

 

I found your post a bit concerning. Men don't always have the same opportunities that women have to discuss emotional trauma. Why do you suppose they have a higher suicide rate, and have done for years? Do you think these guys are killing themselves because they don't have enough people around them saying "come on, be a man - get a grip. You've lost all self respect, dignity and integrity..."?

 

I remember my brother turning to drink after a pretty horrible break up. I was intensely worried about him and I really did think there was a possibility of him doing something silly. I couldn't tell you how many nights I spent listening to him talking about stuff, analysing everything to pieces...and yes, listening to him talking in pretty bitter terms about the opposite sex. It was tiring and it was often tedious, but he's my brother. I wouldn't, for the world, have seen him sit alone drinking with nobody to talk to and asking himself whether it was worth going on.

 

He's very happily married now, with a family. People move on after break ups...but sometimes they have to be permitted a bit of grieving time first. Sometimes they lose their dignity in other people's eyes. So what? People who genuinely care won't stop respecting them for that. Nor will they tell them that they've lost their "integrity".

 

Without intending any personal offence to you, I'd suggest that next time one of your male friends gets ditched and is really struggling with the fact, you might not be the best person for them to spend time with in the immediate aftermath.

[fral945]

This is not a trend. I think it's probably you, to be honest. Based on your post, you sound like you have some more stereotypical masculine (less clingy) personality traits, like me. Everyone knows a couple where the man is like a woman (the stereotypical needy, emotional, compassionate, etc.) and the woman is like a man (the stereotypical independent, tough, unemotional, less compassionate, etc.).

 

Speaking for myself, I attract women who are generally emotional trainwrecks, extremely clingy and overly emotional. They fall quickly and hard. But I am not very clingy at all. I'm the stereotypical tough guy, stoic, not very affectionate or compassionate man who doesn't get too worked up about things. I think it's just the old adage "opposite attract".

[LovehateLove]

You're focusing on just a small segment of my post. The men I know when they get into relationships always ask their girlfriends, "where they are going, who are they going with, what time will they be back". "You're not going out with other men", "I want us to spend more time together". "Why can't I tag along with your friends when you next go out?". Not all the men I know are like this, but a lot are.

 

They also like to be stuck to their cellphones eagerly awaiting a sms or phone call from their partner. I don't see some of them for a while because they are constantly with their SO. These men will often show affection in public to warn other men off of their girlfriend because they are insecure about their SO's running off with another man.

 

I have one friend who was dumped in May for another man and he is desperately trying to get her back, he's doing everything and to be honest it's heartbreaking to watch, but it's also pathetic. He needs to move on. But because he got so attached, clingy and co-dependent on her that he doesn't know what he is doing or where he is heading. He desperately clings to anything with a small amount of direction only to come off the wagon at latter stages.

[vonerik012]

Its the games some some women play..

 

They love you and are all over you. Then they pull away which makes you seem "clingy". Then they are turned off.

 

It seems to date many women you just have to ignore them, not call them, treat them like crap, and then they are into you, perhaps because they have intimacy issues. Then if you ever start treting them with respect (answering your phone, calling when you say you will) they are bored and pull away.

 

Not all women, but many a act in this manner.

[Taramere]

You're focusing on just a small segment of my post. The men I know when they get into relationships always ask their girlfriends, "where they are going, who are they going with, what time will they be back". "You're not going out with other men", "I want us to spend more time together". "Why can't I tag along with your friends when you next go out?". Not all the men I know are like this, but a lot are.

 

They also like to be stuck to their cellphones eagerly awaiting a sms or phone call from their partner. I don't see some of them for a while because they are constantly with their SO. These men will often show affection in public to warn other men off of their girlfriend because they are insecure about their SO's running off with another man.

 

I have one friend who was dumped in May for another man and he is desperately trying to get her back, he's doing everything and to be honest it's heartbreaking to watch, but it's also pathetic. He needs to move on. But because he got so attached, clingy and co-dependent on her that he doesn't know what he is doing or where he is heading. He desperately clings to anything with a small amount of direction only to come off the wagon at latter stages.

 

Are you saying that the problems didn't just start with the break up, and that the friend you're talking about has a general tendency towards low self esteem, clinginess and insecurity?

 

Leaving romantic relationships out of the equation - what's he like in general, as a person and a friend? Third question (and this is always a useful one to ponder when you find yourself mulling over a friend's situation)....does his behaviour in this raise any personal issues for you? Are there times that you feel you made a bit of a fool of yourself over a woman?

[LovehateLove]

This is not a trend. I think it's probably you, to be honest. Based on your post, you sound like you have some more stereotypical masculine (less clingy) personality traits, like me. Everyone knows a couple where the man is like a woman (the stereotypical needy, emotional, compassionate, etc.) and the woman is like a man (the stereotypical independent, tough, unemotional, less compassionate, etc.).

 

Speaking for myself, I attract women who are generally emotional trainwrecks, extremely clingy and overly emotional. They fall quickly and hard. But I am not very clingy at all. I'm the stereotypical tough guy, stoic, not very affectionate or compassionate man who doesn't get too worked up about things. I think it's just the old adage "opposite attract".

 

I guess you're right. I'm starting to wonder whether or not this behaviour is a sign of someone being mentally fragile and therefore a potential trainwreck waiting to happen?

 

I'm in a relationship and have been for two years and I never ask my girlfriend where is she going, who she is going with and what time will she be back. She chooses to tell me and I take interest in what she plans to do, I even offer suggestions as to what her and her friends can do on their nights out. When we are out with friends, we don't phone each other or text each other unless it's something vitally important.

 

My girlfriends friend has this boyfriend who threatened to break up with her, if she went to a male strip bar. Yet it is perfectly acceptable for him to go to a female strip club with his friends. I'm cool with it and don't have a problem with her going to these places with friends for a good night out. Because I know she'll be coming home to me in the early hours of the morning not with the male strippers.

 

I have no problems with her checking out other men, I have no problem giving her time and space away from me. She's on holiday at the time to Malta and I am enjoying having the friends around for lads nights out and in every few days. We spend less time together than most couples and yet our relationship is the brighest. I never have to complain about her to my friends like they do. My relationship is virtually trouble free. If we argue its over petty things like me not wanting her mother to visit because she is a pain in the ass.

 

We haven't said "I love you" to one another, because we both feel it, so there's no point in discussing it. Sure we have profound discussion, but we prefer to have a good time as opposed to expressing our feelings. I actually enjoy the relationship we have and the arrangements we have. It works well for both us. Neither us are clingy, insecure or co-dependent. Hell we still split the bill when we go out to eat, or when we shop together. There's no talk of getting married, having children and we don't need to know each others every movement or discussion.

 

That's what a relationship should be like, not this clingy and controlling stuff that my friends put their girlfriends through and vice versa.

[Ally Boo]

I think it's just the old adage "opposite attract".

 

I think you've hit the nail on the head!

 

This summer I took a class on Relationships and Marriage on college. Something I learned...and was so facinating was that in relationships there tends to be a need for those opposites.

 

They called it the persuer and distancer dance. One does the chasing, the other does the spacing. So, in most of my relationships previously, I had been the one trying to win the guy over. Each person has a dominate trait of one or the other (regardless of the motivations behind being one or the other). I wound up getting in a relationship where the guy took that role and I became the distancer. It was really weird.

[LovehateLove]

Its the games some some women play..

 

They love you and are all over you. Then they pull away which makes you seem "clingy". Then they are turned off.

 

It seems to date many women you just have to ignore them, not call them, treat them like crap, and then they are into you, perhaps because they have intimacy issues. Then if you ever start treting them with respect (answering your phone, calling when you say you will) they are bored and pull away.

 

Not all women, but many a act in this manner.

 

This is not the case with the men I know. They are generally needy and clingy people and don't get me wrong, there are just as many women like that, but I can't remember there being so many men where I live that are clingy, needy, co-dependent with/on their girlfriend.

 

My current girlfriend was with a needy fellow, and he was still being needy with her long into my relationship with her. He'd have to meet her at every chance he got, he used to phone and text her a lot. I actually allowed it, because I knew she had zero feelings for him and I even encouraged her to be friends with him, as its nice to get on with your exes don't you think?

 

Are you saying that the problems didn't just start with the break up, and that the friend you're talking about has a general tendency towards low self esteem, clinginess and insecurity?

 

Leaving romantic relationships out of the equation - what's he like in general, as a person and a friend? Third question (and this is always a useful one to ponder when you find yourself mulling over a friend's situation)....does his behaviour in this raise any personal issues for you? Are there times that you feel you made a bit of a fool of yourself over a woman?

 

The men I know and this man in question are incredibly clingy, needy and dependent especially when it comes to relationships. They fall faster and harder than the women they get involved with. I explained what they do in my previous posts.

 

I don't think he has a tendancy to be all these things, but his ex who broke up with him in May was his first girlfriend and he used to spend obscene amounts of time with her. He'd spend weekends and sometime full weeks with her at a time and they werent even living together.

 

He's a decent guy, he's not dependent on me, but he is dependent on his brother and his bestfriend. He can't go anywhere without either of them. He refused to go on holiday on his own, because his brother and best friend wouldn't go. If that was me, I'd go alone, meet new people and its a week away from the missus.

 

When I was a teenager, I was clingy, needy and co-dependent, insecure and I was all of these things because I had low self esteem and I suffered from the teenage blues as they say. I was very pessimistic and negative person to be around. I then grew up, matured and made changes to myself that needed to be made and I'm glad to have made them. The men I know (for the most part) have reversed their roles. The went from being free spirits to old men who cling and clutch at every straw and the funny thing is, I am 24 and so are most of them.

[Taramere]

When I was a teenager, I was clingy, needy and co-dependent, insecure and I was all of these things because I had low self esteem and I suffered from the teenage blues as they say. I was very pessimistic and negative person to be around. I then grew up, matured and made changes to myself that needed to be made and I'm glad to have made them. The men I know (for the most part) have reversed their roles. The went from being free spirits to old men who cling and clutch at every straw and the funny thing is, I am 24 and so are most of them.

 

It's strange how these turnarounds sometimes happen. What do you think triggered the changes you managed to make to your own life?

[Suiyobi]

To answer your question, yes there are men who can be clingy, act co-dependent toward their partners, and show signs of controlling behavior and insecurity issues. I'm not saying all men, but there are that do. I don't know if it has something to do with how they were grown up, or if it has something to do with their astrological signs, or if they are just like that because of some deeper secret they do not wish to share (like issues of past relationships/or lackof).

 

If they're bothering you, just tell them. They might not even realize their actions until someone points it out to them. If they're smart and good, not only will they understand you but they might even reveal to you why they act the way they do. And you both might be able to work something out. If they don't get the message, then well, you might want to start getting away from them as fast as you can.

 

The men that I met and know seem to share a lot of the same traits that are traditionally connected with women. Clinginess, co-dependency, controlling behaviour and insecurity.

 

It seems when a women falls for a man, her fall is relatively small in constrast to a man's which tends to fall from outter space. The men I know and have met seem to text their girlfriend's non-stop, get insecure when they are around other men and generally try and control their girlfriends as if they are an object. I guess equal rights for women has left some men feeling a little insecure and unsure of what their role actually is.

 

Is this a general trend with men, or is just where I live? Because usually the men where I live lose all self respect, dignity and integrity when a woman ditches them and they spend weeks on end in the pub drowing their sorrows. Desperately trying to get their woman back.

[LovehateLove]

It's strange how these turnarounds sometimes happen. What do you think triggered the changes you managed to make to your own life?

 

I thought, if I wanted to be treated right by a woman, then I have to treat her right and I gained confidence through making changes. It's amazing what transformations can be made through gaining confidence. I also realized that the way I was when I was a teenager could plaque my social circle, career prospects and chance of finding a special woman if I didn't sort out my problems. However I see the same traits in these men that I know and it conjures up those awkward years.

 

I can't understand why these men are like they are with women, I mean they have nice personalities for the most parts, they have reasonable jobs, drive reasonable cars and some of them have reasonably sized houses.

 

Yet when it comes women all their good traits go out the window and they are left crying down the pub when they are ditched for choking the life and enjoyment out of their relationships with their partners.

[Trialbyfire]

The men that I met and know seem to share a lot of the same traits that are traditionally connected with women. Clinginess, co-dependency, controlling behaviour and insecurity.

 

It seems when a women falls for a man, her fall is relatively small in constrast to a man's which tends to fall from outter space. The men I know and have met seem to text their girlfriend's non-stop, get insecure when they are around other men and generally try and control their girlfriends as if they are an object. I guess equal rights for women has left some men feeling a little insecure and unsure of what their role actually is.

 

Is this a general trend with men, or is just where I live? Because usually the men where I live lose all self respect, dignity and integrity when a woman ditches them and they spend weeks on end in the pub drowing their sorrows. Desperately trying to get their woman back.

I think you'll find a subcomponent of the population, regardless of gender, like this.

 

What I have noticed is that men get complacent within a relationship and don't maintain valuation of their partner. Of course this will cause the cessation of the relationship, which makes them realize what they lost and that's when they get mopey and regretful.

[carhill]

OP, perhaps it is the perspective of noticing the clingy, insecure ones more? As humans, we tend to notice what we want to notice.

 

Think about that. That guy who takes it in the gut, processes it, deals with it and moves on would never make your radar since he's operating in stealth mode, and hence wouldn't make it into your gender statistical data sample.

 

I agree with Taramere that men generally have fewer outlets for sharing the range of emotions, and, for those to whom that sharing is important, that can be debilitating. For a man who can process the sexual issues in a healthy way, developing a network of female friends, much like what women normally enjoy, can really help during emotionally stressful times. If a man can truly be platonic friends with a woman, woman are a great source of support, empathy and advice. In her example, the experience with her brother was likely so intense and somewhat disconcerting for her mainly because her brother didn't have a network of people with whom he could share his experience; having this is really important so one doesn't wear out an otherwise empathetic and understanding friend or family member. Spread it around

 

My personal experience has been that, psychologically, someone who can easily turn off or ignore their emotions tend to invest themselves lightly into relationships. I call these "convenient" relationships because they tend to exist to serve a purpose rather than be the result and process of emotional investment and intimacy. Consequently, they are more easily disconnected or ignored when necessary or efficacious. Part of my work in MC has been transiting this path to lesser investment and processing those changes as healthy ones, recognizing the emotions with the same validity and importance, even if not as deeply felt. A different level of "reality", if you will

 

Personally, IMO, the more comfortably emotionally aware a man is, the less likely he is to be and to be perceived as clingy and insecure by a healthy woman.

[LovehateLove]

To answer your question, yes there are men who can be clingy, act co-dependent toward their partners, and show signs of controlling behavior and insecurity issues. I'm not saying all men, but there are that do. I don't know if it has something to do with how they were grown up, or if it has something to do with their astrological signs, or if they are just like that because of some deeper secret they do not wish to share (like issues of past relationships/or lackof).

 

If they're bothering you, just tell them. They might not even realize their actions until someone points it out to them. If they're smart and good, not only will they understand you but they might even reveal to you why they act the way they do. And you both might be able to work something out. If they don't get the message, then well, you might want to start getting away from them as fast as you can.

 

You raise well thoughtout points, I can only go by what I went through and I was often clingy in my younger days because women were few and far between for me. I was an awkwardly shy kid who kept himself to himself, had few friends and wasn't particularly great looking. So, whenever a girl confirmed her interest in me, I was so overwhelmed and my infatuation levels went through the roof.

 

I also had a vivid imagination and when I read love stories and in particular stories and poems from the romanticism era, I became one of these hopeless romantics and more often than not rushed into things only to get hurt. I also told at least three girls that I loved them and used to get scared when they were around other men. In the end I drove these girls away lol, and three of my friends warned me about being insecure in my teens only to turn out this way later on in life.

 

I think you'll find a subcomponent of the population, regardless of gender, like this.

 

What I have noticed is that men get complacent within a relationship and don't maintain valuation of their partner. Of course this will cause the cessation of the relationship, which makes them realize what they lost and that's when they get mopey and regretful.

 

They don't get complacent, they get too into the relationship and ruin things, by stopping their girlfriends going places with friends. One of my friends won't allow his girlfriend to socialise with one of her friends because his girlfriend had feelings for her friends sister.