amythan Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Hi, I am very much confused and even worse in a very awkward position. I work in a small company and i used to hang out with my collegues. It means every weekend and even travelling together - specially during the last weeks. It is weird because it is like highschool again. All the time gossiping, heavily partying .. and i am not sure to want this at work. One of the guys (who works directly with me) and i have an unclear situation. He is a player, sure. He is all the time smiling at me and making eye contact, he send me emails with jokes and he is always asking me to party. Every time we go out we are together even if there are other people around, we hug and hold hands all the time but nothing else ! People make jokes about us - and this is something which makes me unconfortable. Our company is very strict with relationships between collegues. I do not know what to do. I really like the guy but i am not sure he likes me. I do not want to make things awkward and i do not want people at work gossiping about me. I do not know why he acts this way and i do not know how to proceed. I need some advise because i am really lost ! Thank you.
JoeNewbie Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Dating a colleague who you work directly with isn't ideal but I guess you already knew that. First you have to stop all e-mail flirting. Do not underestimate the importance of this. Second you must be absolutely discrete. Act very professionally at the office and make sure no one notices you. Do not go for coffee or lunch alone with him, do not hold hands (!?!?!?!?) and do not show any kind of affection in public near the office. If things get serious, one of you might have to find another job. If things go sour, you need to be absolutely professional about it. No fights in the office, no drama, no tears.
Author amythan Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 You are absolutely right, it is not ideal. Even more i am senior to him so i do not want at all make things awkward. With a random guy i would just ask but here ... no way. Perhaps he is not interested or perhaps he is reluctant due to the situation. But what confuses me is that he does not avoid me, he ask me to party with him and we hug and walk hand in hand all night long. Why do you act this way if you do not want to go further ?!? I would never do that with someone i do not like but who knows ! It is just confusing. I am always scared to bother him and i do not know why i am feeling so insecure. I like the guy and i do not want to ruin anything by asking or whatever but specially i do not want to fool myself.
mokie114 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 First you have to stop all e-mail flirting. Do not underestimate the importance of this. i'll second that, and multiply it by 100. I've got my boss fired (at my old job) because of some very gross emails that he was sending using a company address, attempting to get a couple women to be his bdsm slave. i don't care what anyone tells you, people can, and will read your email. that one time that you leave it up and go to the bathroom, will bite you in the ass. as an IT guy, we do read email, it's a fact. not because it's fun (even though it is), but because it's a part of our job. you're on a company computer, using a company address, at your company, they have full legal right to read your email, listen to your phone calls (using their phone lines) and all of that. it may not be ethical, but it's the reality. /psa
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 OP, a couple of questions... Are you sure you want to fish in the company pond? Are you aware of anyone at work who has a "thing" (as in grudge) for you? Is this man under your direct supervision?
vonerik012 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Is there one company, anywhere, in which people are not sleeping with each other? Everyone says it is such a horrible idea, but it seems very common.
Author amythan Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 Well i do not think it is ideal but as i like the guy i would try .. We are all of us good friends and the main reason to spend all our free time together is because we are expats in a non easy place to live. It means we do not know other people outside work ! No one has a thing for me but this is an streful job and i am not sure how people can react under very difficult conditions. I am not supervising him but we work close on a daily basis and we have the same manager.
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Your post made me think of my expat friends in the FSU. If this blew up, would it impact your work visa (or similar papers) negatively, impairing your ability to remain/work? If not, and you want to risk any fallout on the job, perhaps altering your body language to a more neutral position might cause him to pursue more. Is it culturally natural where you for friends to be more physically affectionate than they might be here in the US? I noted that when in the FSU. Both men and women were more physically interactive. Men hugged and kissed each other, as an example. There weren't mixed messages as I note here in the US. Also, perhaps, workplace romance is more accepted. IMO, if he isn't a player, based on your interaction with him, he should have asked you out already. Are you comfortable setting the pace as an aggressor?
Author amythan Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 After our weird saturday night he is just playing cold. Not talking to me or looking at me - not the first time he does. But i got enough, if he is interested he has to show it, if he is not it is also fine. But for sure this flirty / childish game is over from my side. No, i am not comfortable setting the pace as an aggressor. Not in this case. No need to make a fool of myself at work !
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