Lishy Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I read a few posts today that got me to thinking ...... Why do we stay with a person who is wrong for us? I spent 14 years with a man I should have lasted no longer than 6 months with and I can see that many people on here are or have stayed with the wrong person. There are so many people in the world, why do we worry so much about meeting someone that we stick with the wrong one and make excuses as to why we stay? Do we do it purely out of fear? Low self esteem? Why don't we just bail as soon as we see the incompatibilities?? Why hang around so we can get really beat up emotionally? It is soooo much better to be alone and content than with the wrong person so why do we stick with what makes us miserable?
johan Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Because if things aren't going well we are more likely to blame ourselves than we are to blame our sweetheart. That triggers a need to improve in order to keep the relationship going, as opposed to a need to get out.
Lizzie60 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I read a few posts today that got me to thinking ...... Why do we stay with a person who is wrong for us? I spent 14 years with a man I should have lasted no longer than 6 months with and I can see that many people on here are or have stayed with the wrong person. There are so many people in the world, why do we worry so much about meeting someone that we stick with the wrong one and make excuses as to why we stay? Do we do it purely out of fear? Low self esteem? Why don't we just bail as soon as we see the incompatibilities?? Why hang around so we can get really beat up emotionally? It is soooo much better to be alone and content than with the wrong person so why do we stick with what makes us miserable? this is a hard one.. why did YOU stay? I stayed way too long with my first ex too... why? I think it's a mixture of fear, negligence, ignorance. I was young.. had kids.. work, routine, years go by.. I only 'woke' up when I was older and able to see that life had gone by and it wasn't what I wanted.. I wasn't happy.. but it took me years to realize it..
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 For me, a combination of fear and wishing for the most clearly defined and least damaging exit strategy possible. I make a lot of criticism of emotion operating without benefit of intellect and don't wish to become a poster child for that assertion
johan Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 It's a simple cost-benefit choice, just like everything else. You'd move on if you felt that the cost of staying outweighed the benefit of leaving. When the costs and benefits are in terms of emotions and personal security, people have a hard time judging their true value. And they generally trust their feelings of fear most when they are making their evaluations.
Author Lishy Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 I stayed out of fear Fear of living alone Fear of what my ex would do Fear of being a single mum Fear of the unknown Fear of being alone All my fears were unfounded, but I did not know it until I left!
Angel1111 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Most of the time it's fear. The other thing is that most of us are never taught about relationships. As a matter of fact, we're not taught 3 of the most important things to our lives: relationships, money, and raising children. I've always wondered why those things are so neglected.
Honymoon Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I don´t know why ? I have the same problem, I had been with my boyfriend for 4 years knowing that his mother doesn´t love me, but waiting that in some day He will give tha place I deserve. After the 4 years of relationship he prefers his mother, and now I am alone. I always knew the problem but I had fear to face it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I won't stay with anyone who makes me miserable. If it's not something within me that I can/want to fix, then I'm gone. Trying to fix someone else is a total exercise in futility. Trying to accept someone who drives you insane, is another exercise in futility. Life's too short to waste on dysfunctional dynamics. Get out so you're free to hopefully find someone who's more compatible. If you can't find someone, isn't it better to be alone than miserable?
porter218 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I think most people do it because they are afraid of being alone. I remember that was my fear in my first relationship. He was oh so wrong for me, but I didn't know if I could face living by myself after getting used to living with him. Luckily I took everything I learned from that relationship and grew more independent because of it. And also I thank god I only wasted 1yr on him(but it felt like 10). I have never wasted more then 3 years on a man because I am happy to be alone if they are making me unhappy**knock on wood**. I can't imagine how painful it must be to realize you must end a relationship that has lasted for years that can be counted in double digits. I think a lot of people continue those relationships because they feel they have invested too much to just give up.
Honymoon Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 By the way, Do anybody else know a web page where i can down load books ( for free) about abusive relationship
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 By the way, Do anybody else know a web page where i can down load books ( for free) about abusive relationship There is probably a lot of information on this site. Plus, there's a forum where you can talk to others in the same situation: http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml I totally recommend a book by Lundy Bancroft entitled "Why Does He Do That?" I've read a few books on abuse but this was by far the best one.
beautifullove Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 happy ever after. I fear this not being a reality. I grew up without love (foster parents) and do not plan to spend the rest of my life never having experienced real, unconditional love. I have a career (although I'm about to change it), I have money, I have everything I need, but (I would say until recently, but I'm skeptical now) love. I've learned to love myself, but being single and growing old alone just doesn't cut it for me. I have been to restuarants, clubs, wine bars, etc. but doing that alone, or always with friends for the next 10 years seems pityful. There's nothing like cuddling, kissing, traveling with the one you love, and knowing there's someone there to knock an intruders block off if it came down to it. I do know that it is better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. I want to have children. In certain places in Europe, women are being encouraged to freeze their eggs, since the birth rate has declined. With all due respect, I hope that I don't get to the point where I find myself having to consider this option.
Capricciosa Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I think there is a genuine attachment to a person, even if you are meant to leave. When I have stayed too long it's because I still recall what drew me to him in the first place, and I'm still hoping to retrieve that, because I miss it, still want it and hoped he was willing to give it to me. Sure there may be fear involved, but mostly it is that I have a hard time giving up on hope.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 happy ever after. I fear this not being a reality. I grew up without love (foster parents) and do not plan to spend the rest of my life never having experienced real, unconditional love. I have a career (although I'm about to change it), I have money, I have everything I need, but (I would say until recently, but I'm skeptical now) love. I've learned to love myself, but being single and growing old alone just doesn't cut it for me. I have been to restuarants, clubs, wine bars, etc. but doing that alone, or always with friends for the next 10 years seems pityful. There's nothing like cuddling, kissing, traveling with the one you love, and knowing there's someone there to knock an intruders block off if it came down to it. I do know that it is better to be alone than in an abusive relationship. I want to have children. In certain places in Europe, women are being encouraged to freeze their eggs, since the birth rate has declined. With all due respect, I hope that I don't get to the point where I find myself having to consider this option. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN!!!! Please read that over and over again. You will regret it for the rest of your life because even if you leave him, you will always be tied to him in one way or another. If you suspect that you're in an abusive relationship, you probably are. A man who loves you will not cause you to wonder if he's abusive.
beautifullove Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Angel1111, Thank you for caring to respond. Maybe I was unclear, but what I meant was that I'd rather be alone as opposed to being in an abusive relationship. I left my H because he was not only a sex addict, but he was also abusive. We didn't last long, because I realized I would rather be alone than be with him. I would never have children with an abuser, because I know exactly what that would mean. So I am with you 100%. Thnaks again for your concern.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Angel1111, Thank you for caring to respond. Maybe I was unclear, but what I meant was that I'd rather be alone as opposed to being in an abusive relationship. I left my H because he was not only a sex addict, but he was also abusive. We didn't last long, because I realized I would rather be alone than be with him. I would never have children with an abuser, because I know exactly what that would mean. So I am with you 100%. Thnaks again for your concern. Good because I was worried about you when you asked about reading material on abusive relationships. I'm glad you got out of that situation. I was in one, too. I already had one child from a previous marriage but wanted more children. Still, my instincts told me not to do it with this man. Of all the things I screwed up in my life, I thank God that I didn't have children with him. Now he's just simply out of my life and I don't ever have to deal with him again. That book I recommended is really excellent if you're still wanting answers. It really changed my whole outlook on my ex and I was able to walk away with a lot less pain. I liked the fact that the book was written by a man.
beautifullove Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 You are obviously a very strong woman, because you'll be surprised just how many women can't get out. I was completey alone in my R with H. I don't think I would have been able to survive if I had children with him, although things got very deep. I commend you for your strength and wisdom. I have definitely learned from my experiences, not to mention the latest. I don't believe in letting history repeat itself when it comes to relationships.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 You are obviously a very strong woman, because you'll be surprised just how many women can't get out. I was completey alone in my R with H. I don't think I would have been able to survive if I had children with him, although things got very deep. I commend you for your strength and wisdom. I have definitely learned from my experiences, not to mention the latest. I don't believe in letting history repeat itself when it comes to relationships. Thank you. I am a strong person and that's the only thing that got me out of it. I know you must be strong, too. I like what you said about not letting history repeat itself in relationships. I dont' even worry about being with a man like that again because I can spot an abusive man from a mile away now.
porter218 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Good because I was worried about you when you asked about reading material on abusive relationships. I'm glad you got out of that situation. I was in one, too. I already had one child from a previous marriage but wanted more children. Still, my instincts told me not to do it with this man. Of all the things I screwed up in my life, I thank God that I didn't have children with him. Now he's just simply out of my life and I don't ever have to deal with him again. That book I recommended is really excellent if you're still wanting answers. It really changed my whole outlook on my ex and I was able to walk away with a lot less pain. I liked the fact that the book was written by a man. that was honymoon asking for reading material on abusive relationships.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 that was honymoon asking for reading material on abusive relationships. Whoops! I got them mixed up. Sorry. Thanks for correcting that.
Author Lishy Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Wow I am pleased I started this thread, it has been really interesting for me! All of tha baove reasons are why we stay in a realtionship where we are not happy and our needs are not being met What scares me is that we do not really know a guy/girl until we have been together for at least a year and that fills me with fear
babes23 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I think for me it's because i want to make something work, i never give up without a fight and would do anything possible for that other person. After a year or so you get to know what the other person is really like, the fear of staying because of the unknown what lies ahead. I'm getting over that now, life is too short to stop in something which is wrong for you.
Author Lishy Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I also believe that we stay with the wrong person because the thought of getting to know a new man/woman is so daunting, and we often have the 'better the devil you know' mentality!
Author Lishy Posted August 10, 2008 Author Posted August 10, 2008 The fear of the unknown and meeting a new person is the fear that stops most from leaving sooner.
Recommended Posts