Rowen Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Just a curiious question here for everyone. Obviously there will be people on both sides of the ledger. But how much stock do you put in the theory that in order to create a lasting, good relationship, you need to be friends with this person and get to know them before you start dating. ive heard alot of people say this, becuase of their success. It's out there.
pandagirl Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Just a curiious question here for everyone. Obviously there will be people on both sides of the ledger. But how much stock do you put in the theory that in order to create a lasting, good relationship, you need to be friends with this person and get to know them before you start dating. ive heard alot of people say this, becuase of their success. It's out there. I think if there is attraction there, it's a good idea to take things slow and actually get to know someone before jumping into a relationship. I think friendship is the number one KEY is creating a lasting, happy relationship.
jerbear Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I am somewhat counter to the friends first ideal. I would not put her in the friend zone to long. Say two to three days after finding her interesting. After a friendly lunch or dinner and it went well. I would ask her out on a date to go do something, not dinner and movies. If I (we) don't find chemistry, we'll just end up in the friend zone and go our way.
Yamaha Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Friendship is great as long as you have established you both want a romantic relationship. Many guys try to establish a friendship with a women but they don't know if she feels attraction for him or not. They are afraid to let her know because she might reject them so they think if they become friends she will fall in-love with them ( never happens ). I believe a lasting relationship is dependent on you both being friends but just make sure the romantic connection is there before you invest time in someone who doesn't want the same thing.
Jilly Bean Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 If a guy starts out as a friend, that is where he will always be. If I am attracted to a man, then we DATE. I'm not 6... Romantic relationships comprise many elements - friendship, sex, etc. Why would someone need to break it apart and delay the physical aspect? To me, if someone needs to start out as friends, it's because they aren't attracted to the other person, are stalling for time, and hoping that changes. Then they always have the *out* that they were "just friends".
Ally Boo Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Jilly is right in most cases. I would have to say most guys I'm friends with are just that. I always found it too much of a risk to be in a relationship with a friend... because then you lose both. But, this last time, I dated a friend. We'd been friends for over a year...if not more. (There was attraction there, but friends only and I didn't want more.) Hopefully there won't be a next time, but if there is, I think I might go the friend route first. I believe it's made my relationship stronger.
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I always found it too much of a risk to be in a relationship with a friend... because then you lose both. Help me define "both". Are you reflecting a perspective that a man whom you date is not a friend initially, rather just a stranger to whom you are attracted?; additionally, that any friendship you develop with him as a romantic partner is not the same as that with a platonic male friend and in some way not as valuable? I'm trying to understand the perspective that dating a "friend" is "more risky". Are you "risking" the emotional time and investment you have in the man as a friend prior to dating him? Absent the sexual component, how would a bad ending to this compare to a falling out with a platonic friend? I ask because women seem to have friendships on a completely different level than men do. I find it fascinating My personal life experience runs counter to the OP. I've had many female friends and none which have developed into romance out of friendship. Once in the friend-zone, always in the friend-zone, IME. In fact, some have been honest enough to express disappointment that I would want to be friends-first. Now I understand that they were just the wrong women for me
Yamaha Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I'm trying to understand the perspective that dating a "friend" is "more risky". Are you "risking" the emotional time and investment you have in the man as a friend prior to dating him? Absent the sexual component, how would a bad ending to this compare to a falling out with a platonic friend? I ask because women seem to have friendships on a completely different level than men do. I find it fascinating Women consider it more risky because romantic relationships come and go but a good friendship can last for years. Most women know that guy friends would like more from them but as long as he doesn't push the issue they consider it his problem if he has romantic feelings. In the other stance, if a women wants to date you the chances are slim to nill that she will want just friends.
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Just a curiious question here for everyone. Obviously there will be people on both sides of the ledger. But how much stock do you put in the theory that in order to create a lasting, good relationship, you need to be friends with this person and get to know them before you start dating. ive heard alot of people say this, becuase of their success. It's out there. I totally agree with this theory although I'd rather bite off my own leg, rather than consider a close male friend as dating material. Once they get that close to me, they're like siblings.
Ally Boo Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Relationships and friendships have certain "safety values" for me. Although, losing either can be very painful. To me, friendships are generally more safe than relationships...meaning the potential for them hurting me isn't nearly as great as being in a romantic relationship. I dated casual friends and as I grew to know them, formed a bond that escalated to a serious romantic relationship. My first serious relationship was with a very very old and good friend. We got married and later divorced. We actually didn't speak for 7 years afterwards. The hardest thing for me was that I lost a friend I'd had since I was 12... AND my husband. I guess since then, I put the aforementioned into practice. It takes a long time for me to consider someone a friend. I have lots of aquaintences, but I would say I have 4 good friends... including my boyfriend. And I've known two of them over 10 years. My friends are safe to me because we've grown close enough that I know they are friends for life. And that friendship isn't something I've been willing to risk again. I hope I explained myself well enough. lol
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Women consider it more risky because romantic relationships come and go but a good friendship can last for years. Most women know that guy friends would like more from them but as long as he doesn't push the issue they consider it his problem if he has romantic feelings. In the other stance, if a women wants to date you the chances are slim to nill that she will want just friends. Interesting. For the ladies, if you have a long-term male platonic friend, have there been circumstances which cause romantic feelings for him to emerge? If so, how do you reconcile those feelings and your friendship? Is it always, in your heart of hearts, a case of once a platonic friend, always a platonic friend? If not, what is the process by which you turn off manifestations of your romantic feelings (since feelings are out of our control but behaviors are within our control). Can you mostly divert/control them? Or, occasionally, do little bursts of emotion get out? I ask because I'm trying to understand a personal situation better......interestingly, I'm finding a perspective on it similar to what I've heard expressed here by/about the ladies.
Ally Boo Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Can you mostly divert/control them? Or, occasionally, do little bursts of emotion get out? Little bursts most definitely came out for me.
carhill Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 This may seem obvious, but, if you have a couple drinks, would this affect the process? By that I mean the lowering of inhibitions, even if emotional behaviors are tightly controlled, are allowing that stuff to escape more easily. It might escape a bit otherwise, but, under those circumstances, the volume control gets turned up? Under those circumstances, how would you want your male friend to handle such things? So far, I think I keep the friendliness and affection level as among friends, and not bring attention to anything I might perceive as over that line, but rather diffuse it. I'll try sending out different signals (change in eye contact and body language), perhaps of a more neutral nature, and see if that helps.
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