mma_j Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Hey everybody. Thank you for all of the wonderful things I've read on this forum. It's been a great experience for me to share my troubles. I've had a rough two weeks. Ever since my ex came back from a vacation last Tuesday, we've broken up, felt sadness, then had that turn to rage once I found out she cheated on me and gave me an STD. I took a day off to calm my thoughts, then asked her to move out Thursday. A nasty way to end a 9 year relationship that was 1 month away from being 10 years. Marriage is off, parents don't know yet, and because our friends are all mutual, it's been eating me up inside not being able to reach out to them. I showed up at her going away party on Friday after a full day and a half of NC. The party went well. I was able to see all of my friends, dance, take photos and make it a good celebration. Unfortunately, some of my friends and her family wanted us to take happy photos together, which I did. They don't know anything yet, and we agree'ed to make it seem like a seemless split once she goes away next week to grad school. Our official excuse is that I let her go discover herself and explore the world (she was 20 when we met, is now 30). Then I did the dumbest thing (must have been drunk, because I don't remember doing this) and asked her to sleep over. No, nothing of that nature. I woke up numb, hung over, and looked over. There she was. The pain was incredible. I woke her up, walked her to her friend's house (2 blocks down), and ate breakfast with them. I then took another nap, and surprisingly, woke up next to her again. I was filled with such sadness knowing that she is playing me for a fiddle while she has this other guy in her life (he's got a gf... we're awaiting his test results on Monday). I woke up, kindly excused myself and walked home. I told her that I would see her again on Monday (when her/my family dinner is). It's tough for me to allow her to save face given what she's done, but it's really nobody's business. I am really embaressed, anyways, to be in the place I am now. However, I feel the need to talk about it. Being cheated on is bad enough, but being infected is even worse! I'm not sure what to do. I want to reach out to family and friends and let them know what I'm going through, but I don't want anybody to know how horrible she is. I can't be so petty. I do have a few friends that I know that are outside of our mutual social circle, so I tried those outlets, but there are days where it's just not enough. I really need family to help me through this. I'm not sure how to go about this. I guess I don't really care about her feelings at this point, but I know this should be kept civil. Is it okay to talk to my/her family members (select few) about this? I'm sure they can keep it confidential... Our families are close now and it's tough not to be able to talk to someone..
Ronni_W Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Given the nature of your information, it cannot help but poison some minds against her. My personal philosophy leads me to suggest that talking with close family members about this particular situation will take you down a much lower path than the proverbial 'high road'. For me, it is not about protecting HER in the slightest. It is about being the person that YOU want to be; acting with dignity, SELF-respect, etc. ...IF those are your goals for yourself. I do understand the need to be heard, understood and, sometimes, also to have our feelings and experiences validated by external sources. Just do be cautious of where you seek what you need...always keeping in mind your OWN needs and goals (not her reputation, or whatever.) Possibly even a few sessions with a therapist will help you get through this worst stage. I am sorry for what you're going through. Sending Love and Light.
porter218 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 (he's got a gf... we're awaiting his test results on Monday.. I can't help but wonder...why are you waiting for his test results?. Are you perhaps leaving something out of your story???
citizen67 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 That's awful - I am really sorry you are in such a crappy situation. I think it would be perfectly appropriate to share what happened with one or two family members whom you can trust to be discreet - You need to have a support system right now
Author mma_j Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 I can't help but wonder...why are you waiting for his test results?. Are you perhaps leaving something out of your story??? No. I'm not sure who else she slept with at this point. There is a possibility she has more than she's revealing to me, and perhaps he has something more. I might just be going insane as well. I've never had to deal with this before, so I'm in shock. I think I do need family. I need someone. When i am alone, I have nightmares. I can't sleep through the night w/o waking up thinking about all the horrible things that happened. I don't know what to do
HokeyReligions Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I don't have any family or close friends any more - but I feel pretty confident in saying do NOT talk to any of her family. It doesn't matter how close you think you are - its not a good idea and it will NOT stay confidential and her family WILL side with her.
porter218 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 No. I'm not sure who else she slept with at this point. There is a possibility she has more than she's revealing to me, and perhaps he has something more. I might just be going insane as well. I've never had to deal with this before, so I'm in shock. I think I do need family. I need someone. When i am alone, I have nightmares. I can't sleep through the night w/o waking up thinking about all the horrible things that happened. I don't know what to do At this point it doesn't really matter how many other people she slept with. The fact is that she has been with men other then you. With someone who has betrayed her marriage so outrageously and in such an unsafe manner, I can promise she hasn't revealed it all. Let her go, take a break from the marriage to think about what you want to come from this. Just as a warning if you end up working things out...this is not something you will ever forget or fully recover from even if this baby is yours. When my husband passed an STD to me, I reached out to friends and family. This wasn't to ruin my Hs reputation but just to help me recover. It was a hard blow, and I couldn't go through it alone. I have never allowed this to be a secret because that would have made me feel worse. That would have been the same as letting my H beat me then keeping that a secret from the world.
porter218 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I don't have any family or close friends any more - but I feel pretty confident in saying do NOT talk to any of her family. It doesn't matter how close you think you are - its not a good idea and it will NOT stay confidential and her family WILL side with her. Why would he need it to stay confidential? And why on gods green earth would they side with her:confused:? My Hs mother never sided with her son once she found out, she felt awful for me and offered emotional support. I did however wait till it was worth telling her about. She asked me why I didn't act like I trusted her son , so then I felt it necessary to explain what all he had put me through.
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Why are you protecting her? You're enabling her cheating by covering for her. I would avoid telling her family, limiting your communications with your family and close friends. You desperately need a support network for your own good. Holding something as devastating as this inside of you, can result in some serious emotional issues later on. Take care of yourself. You deserve some self-respect of which she's once again, only thinking about herself and using you. How selfish is this, that someone would expect the very person they devastated, to protect their reputation. Low...
Angel1111 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I wouldn't hesisate to talk to my family and that's what you need to do because you're going through an incredibly tough time. If family can't be there for you during this kind of thing, then when can they? I think they would be hurt to know you're not reaching out to them, and it would probably kill them to know you're going through this alone. Yes, leave her family out of it but please call someone in your family today.
Author mma_j Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks for all your input. It's unfortunate, though, that her family members are some of my best friends. Some of them know about the break up already, but are keeping quiet. They don't know the gory details. I did tell a few people in my family what's going on, and they have been wonderfully supportive, but not the right type of support (is that even possible?). They are more along the lines of: Forget her, move on. While my other family friends are more helpful and tell me it will take time, and take it one day at a time, etc... I will reach out to both. I think porter218 is more correct along those lines. Understanding family members from either side will be understanding. Thank you all so much.
porter218 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 At this point it doesn't really matter how many other people she slept with. The fact is that she has been with men other then you. With someone who has betrayed her marriage so outrageously and in such an unsafe manner, I can promise she hasn't revealed it all. Let her go, take a break from the marriage to think about what you want to come from this. Just as a warning if you end up working things out...this is not something you will ever forget or fully recover from even if this baby is yours. . Sorry I meant to write this portion in another thread. All of the rest of this post was for you but this was for another thread about a similar situation with worse consequences.
Author mma_j Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Sorry I meant to write this portion in another thread. All of the rest of this post was for you but this was for another thread about a similar situation with worse consequences. I understand. 9 1/2 years is a divorce at this stage. Thank goodness we had no children yet... I can't imagine the shock that this would cause them. Thank you for understanding, porter218. It really helps when someone is so understanding.
justaman99 Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 I'm not sure what to do. I want to reach out to family and friends and let them know what I'm going through, but I don't want anybody to know how horrible she is. I can't be so petty. I do have a few friends that I know that are outside of our mutual social circle, so I tried those outlets, but there are days where it's just not enough. I really need family to help me through this. Talk to whomever and don't be shy about expressing what you went through. There's nothing wrong with talking to your family and friends about what really went down.
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