spanglish Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 i need help with this one. i've been with my guy for a total of 3 1/2 years. we met, moved into together and lived happily for about 2 years. then he got a job offer 300 miles away from where we were. he moved and i stayed. every phone conversation was him trying to convince me to move there and i kept saying no. i had just started a new job and wanted to get some foot hold in it before i quit and get another job. new employers look at how long you've been at your old job...they don't like flighty people. honestly, i didn't want to live in that city with him....so far from my family and friends. also, by the time he left our relationship was heading south. we hardly had sex and he seemed to resent me a lot for that. we argued a lot. we would quickly make up, though. 6 months later he moved back. his job had let him go. i couldn't tell you all how happy that made me. i could stay at my job with my friends and family and now with him! a couple months later, he presents me with the opportunity to visit spain and italy. of course i was thrilled to visit europe! but then he told me he was going to stay and teach english for a while. a while equaling 4 months. that didn't make me happy...but it was something he had always wanted to do and i knew it would make him happy. so i supported his choice. he stayed and i took a 19 hour flight back alone. the WORST time of my life ever! now our phone conversations consist of him asking me to move to spain with him. he will get me a job and pay my rent even. but i'm 26...and i feel like i need to start thinking of my career. i'm just a teller at a bank right now....but i've been there for a year and a half now. i feel like if i just up and leave for europe for a year, it would throw a wrench in my plans. i'm dying to get a house and get married and work 9-5....not spend god knows how long traveling all over the place. i love to travel but i love coming home even more. so i'm asking you all this; what should i do? he doesn't want kids(i do), he does want to marry me, he doesn't want to live in america right now, he does treat me like a princess, we do fight and it seems like our relationship is going down the ****ter sometimes, but we do have lots of fun together. over all, it just seems like i'm fighting the inevitable and should just break us up....but i love him dearly and he makes me such a better person. let me know what you guys think. thank you for reading this.
TMichaels Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 i need help with this one. i've been with my guy for a total of 3 1/2 years. we met, moved into together and lived happily for about 2 years. then he got a job offer 300 miles away from where we were. he moved and i stayed. every phone conversation was him trying to convince me to move there and i kept saying no. i had just started a new job and wanted to get some foot hold in it before i quit and get another job. new employers look at how long you've been at your old job...they don't like flighty people. honestly, i didn't want to live in that city with him....so far from my family and friends. also, by the time he left our relationship was heading south. we hardly had sex and he seemed to resent me a lot for that. we argued a lot. we would quickly make up, though. You should have been honest with him, but all that aside.... It sounds to me like your b/f didn't have the corner on the resentment market during the time you were together. Whether you realized it on a conscious level or not, I think you may have resented his decision to, in effect, choose the out-of-town job over staying put with you. That resentment was probably why you two were arguing so much and you weren't into having sex with him. The lack of being intimate led to more arguing -- a endless circle as it sounds like both of you were bound and determined to try and convince the other that that your/his way was the proper path. Neither would give in, so each became more frustrated. Any wonder why then, you were quite often at each other's throats? P.S. Want to know the best way to get a guy to resent you? Refuse to even entertain his idea or point of view, get pissed he doesn't see things your way, then withhold sex. Yep. Guaranteed. 6 months later he moved back. his job had let him go. i couldn't tell you all how happy that made me. i could stay at my job with my friends and family and now with him! I can understand your point, but if you were so delighted, he may have picked up on that, in a negative way. It may have felt to him like you were saying "Na-na-na-na-na, I was right your decision to move was the wrong one -- and now you're right back where you started -- where you should be -- with me." a couple months later, he presents me with the opportunity to visit spain and italy. of course i was thrilled to visit europe! but then he told me he was going to stay and teach english for a while. a while equaling 4 months. that didn't make me happy...but it was something he had always wanted to do and i knew it would make him happy. so i supported his choice. he stayed and i took a 19 hour flight back alone. the WORST time of my life ever! Good for you for supporting his choice! But are you sure, deep-down in your heart, you really did so? Or, did having to accept his decision to stay just made you feel more like "Okay, I'll play the supportive, understanding girlfriend role for now, but boy... now he really owes me, and he better get his b@tt back here where he belongs in four months or else I'm gonna remind him every chance I get I did it his way for him, now he'd better d@mn well be willing to do the same for me"? now our phone conversations consist of him asking me to move to spain with him. he will get me a job and pay my rent even. but i'm 26...and i feel like i need to start thinking of my career. i'm just a teller at a bank right now....but i've been there for a year and a half now. i feel like if i just up and leave for europe for a year, it would throw a wrench in my plans. i'm dying to get a house and get married and work 9-5....not spend god knows how long traveling all over the place. i love to travel but i love coming home even more. What plans? If it's your career you're worried about: a) You've been there a year-and-a-half. Have you been promoted? Is there any opportunity to advance if you stayed? Is your current job something you can use as a springboard to something more valuable or that will further your career path? If the answer to most of those questions is no, then what exactly are you risking if you were to take a hiatus for a year? If it's the getting a house, getting married, working 9-5 thing you're concerned about, aren't you betting on the wrong horse there when it comes to your current boyfriend -- at least as things stand? You say he's basically not interested in any of those things, plus, he's not even in the country and if he had his druthers, he rather not return soon, so how exactly does he even factor into your grand plan? You might also give some thought to the concept: "Home is where the heart is." What is more important? Your b/f or where he lives? so i'm asking you all this; what should i do? he doesn't want kids(i do), he does want to marry me, he doesn't want to live in america right now, he does treat me like a princess, we do fight and it seems like our relationship is going down the ****ter sometimes, but we do have lots of fun together. over all, it just seems like i'm fighting the inevitable and should just break us up....but i love him dearly and he makes me such a better person. I hate to say this, but it sounds to me like in your mind the only way things will be "perfect" is when your boyfriend finally comes to his senses and see things your way. If what you want is your version of happiness (the career/house/kids/whatever it is) and none other, then I think you need to find someone who shares your vision of utopia -- and cut your current boyfriend loose. However, if you truly do love him, then you have to love all of what makes him, him -- including the fact that his view of what makes life complete isn't necessarily yours -- at least not now. I not advocating one or other of you should be expected to give up everything you love in order to make your relationship work. If you try to do that, the kind of resentment the two have harbored up to this point will be insignificant, compared to what it will be like when one or the other (or both) of you feel like you have had to sacrifice who are really are. But, yet.... You say you love him dearly, and he makes you a better person. He, on the other hand, despite the fact things weren't great between you before you parted, seems to feel the same. So, why don't you consider looking at it this way? You're only 26. A "year off" at this point in time is not going to do irreparable harm to your career, nor are you old enough that "the ticking of your biological clock" in terms of having time enough to start a family, shouldn't be a concern. If you love this guy so much, why not truly give a shot at sharing *his* dream -- instead of insisting he only share yours? My bet is, since he knows how much you've resisted living abroad, the fact that you are willing to do so in for him, won't go unnoticed. It may break the cycle of resentment you two seem to be locked in, and it very well could lead you both to one of two conclusions: 1. That being together is better than being apart -- and furthermore, it's possible for both of you to feel like you're living your dreams -- all it takes is a willingness on both sides to be open to compromise. OR 2. You discover that though you thought you love each other madly, you're just too different in terms of you want out of life, compromising is out of the question, and so you go your separate ways. What do you risk if you go? What do you risk if you don't? Ultimately, only you can answer that question. But, one additional piece of advice: If you do decide to take him up on his offer, *do not* go into it if deep-down you're feeling like "okay, I just gave up a year of my life for you, now you better be willing to do so for the rest of our lives, for me." Because if you do, you're just back where you started from -- wanting things to go your way, or the highway. And, if that's how you're going to approach it, the kindest thing to do would be to end things between you two now, and spend your time finding someone else who more closely shares your vision of "bliss." HTH, TMichaels
Blue Strawberry Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 That's all fine, TM, but what sacrifices has he made for her?
TMichaels Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 That's all fine, TM, but what sacrifices has he made for her? Good question, Blue Strawberry. But, if I understand what Spanglish posted correctly, she said that they lived together "happily" for the two out of the 3.5 years they have been a couple. I take it "happily" means Spanglish's definition of "happily" -- locally, stateside, near her family and friends -- which by Spanglish's own admission, isn't what her b/f wants. So, for two years he did "her thing" -- now her b/f is asking her to "do his" -- an idea she's not very keen on. Among other things, successful relationships require communication, compromise and compatible life goals. Spanglish admits she hasn't always been candid about her feelings and the two of them have different views on what type of life is ideal -- two serious knocks against the viability of their relationship right off the bat. Throw in an unwillingness to compromise on both sides, and the odds the two of them will (literally and figuratively) go the distance as a couple, are slim. So, should she just cut the cord now, and move on? Probably, because it sounds like her relationship hasn't been much of a partnership up to this point, it's been more a test of wills -- one trying to convince the other, which "way" is right. However, I think Spanglish recognizes she and her b/f aren't on the same page, but because she "loves him dearly and he makes her such a better person," she's not quite ready to throw in the towel. So, what I suggested is that she consider giving "his way" a fair trial, not just a holiday visit -- for a set period of time -- to see if the two of them can find some middle ground, a way forward, and decide what's most important -- each other or their lifestyle? If she's unwilling to make that investment or take that risk, that's fine. She *should* be happy, and not at the expense of who she is. But, if she did, at least Spanglish would have the peace of mind knowing that she had given the relationship an honest go -- and, by the end of her "sabbatical," it should be abundantly clear (to both of them) whether they have a future together, or just a past. Best, TMichaels
Author spanglish Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 wow TM! i can't say i agree with the way you saw how i wrote some things. but you did open my eyes to some of my inner feelings. thank you! i DO think that if i did something for him, he would owe me one. and you're right...i should move to spain for me...not for him...just like i want him to want to move back here for him, not for me. i do disagree with the fact you think my feelings are hidden towards him. he knows what i ultimately want out of life. i still don't really know what he wants because i don't think he knows what he wants. i ask him, but he just gives me short term plans. and we did live happily together for the first few years because he, too, enjoyed living in this city with me. his thing is he likes to move a lot. he gets tired of a place after a bit of time. i was/am resentful that he picked moving around to different places over me. isn't that a normal feeling, though? should i be feeling differently? and you're right about my job....i don't think it would really put too much of a wrench in the wheel. i guess my main thing, though, is that i just feel like i need to start getting my adult life on. thank you for your insight everyone.
TMichaels Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 wow TM! i can't say i agree with the way you saw how i wrote some things. but you did open my eyes to some of my inner feelings. thank you! You're welcome, Spanglish. Hope some of it was of some value to you, even if it just gave you some additional food for thought. Good luck and all the best, TMichaes
Catherina Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 TMichaels - you should open your own therapy office or start a radio talk show! You always give such awesome advice and you seem to touch upon every single point! I'm going to call you if I ever need some insight! Spanglish: I did see one huge, glaring point - you said he doesn't want kids and you do. I know you said he wants to get married, but if the guy does not want children and you do, that is going to become a HUGE issue down the road. I don't know too much about relationships...but I do know that there are some MAJOR points that need to be agreed upon...and whether or not to have children is one of them. How old is this guy? I know you said you are 26...most guys I know, at least in their late 20s or early 30s...even if they can't stand the idea of having children right now, they know that they do want to have them in a few years. And some warm up to the idea even later down the road. And of course, I know what you are going through regarding the distance, and I can say I know exactly how you feel. Either way, it sucks and is so hard. However - I think Spain is fabulous, and would seriously be tempted to move there for a year - but I wouldn't do it for a man unless I was totally serious about him and our relationship. Some guys take years to come around. Is this guy still only supposed to be in Spain for only 4 months? Is he coming back soon? Maybe you should live your life, start your career, and perhaps this guy will return and you two can pick up where you left off.
Author spanglish Posted August 6, 2008 Author Posted August 6, 2008 you ask the same questions i ask myself. he's 30. it's not that he doesn't want children...he would rather adopt that bring another child into this world...and he couldn't imagine having a child right now or in the near future...nor can i. i want to have the option of children in the future...5 or even 10 years from now. all in all, though, thats something we do need to sit down and discuss. now as for moving to spain just for him, well, that wouldn't be the case. i've always had a desire to see the world and teach english in foreign countries. he wouldn't be the complete reason for me deciding to go...but he would be a major cause of it. i'm just honestly to chicken to make a move like that on my own. he's already got an apartment there and guarantees me an interview with the place he works through. i've got some friends there on top of that. it really does seem like a once in a lifetime chance to do this. i realized today something today. i wanted to get on with my life by getting a house and having a career....but maybe getting on with my life would be exploring other options out there besides the social norm. getting on with my life might really be just stepping out of my box and giving things a try.
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