Cheesecake Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Anyone hear of these? Two people leading separate lives - barely speaking and only spending time with each other in for "family events", no sex for years, living in different parts of the house, both dating other people, but not getting a legal separation or divorce for "the sake of the children" and to not get into a legal mess? And of course, trying to hide this fact from their children (while most everyone else knows about the facade - friends, other adult family members, etc.) Anyone in this situation or know of anyone is this situation? Thoughts? Should I be posting this is the marriage/separation section?
Virgo1982 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Anyone hear of these? Two people leading separate lives - barely speaking and only spending time with each other in for "family events", no sex for years, living in different parts of the house, both dating other people, but not getting a legal separation or divorce for "the sake of the children" and to not get into a legal mess? And of course, trying to hide this fact from their children (while most everyone else knows about the facade - friends, other adult family members, etc.) Anyone in this situation or know of anyone is this situation? Thoughts? Should I be posting this is the marriage/separation section? Yes, it's called open marriage. My xMM's marriage was like this. I saw the emails between her and her OM telling him she loved him, among other things. They married when they were young, so I understand. Maybe one day they'll find their way back to each other. Who knows?
Foggyglider Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I don't know of anyone in a situation like this.. Maybe it works for some but when the children get older they will notice that their parents are distant, not sleeping in the same room and seem to lead seperate lives. That might not be a great way to show the kids what a healthy relationship is like. Also, if one or both of the parents fall in love with someone else that will make the situation even more difficult and sticky. I think if they can get along enough to live in the same house then they are civil and mature enough to get a hassle-free divorce. In the long run everyone will probably be better off.
nadiaj2727 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I have heard these same lines quoted from married men who want to have affairs. I would be careful and not believe what a married man says. You can do better than a man who is married to someone else. Good luck.
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I have heard these same lines quoted from married men who want to have affairs. I would be careful and not believe what a married man says. You can do better than a man who is married to someone else. Good luck. I didn't see anywhere in the post that it said "I was told this by a MM"
nadiaj2727 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I didn't see anywhere in the post that it said "I was told this by a MM" Yep I'm just assuming that.
Lyssa Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 My aunt's neighbour lives like that with her spouse. Not sure if any or both of them is/are having an affair. Maybe it works better for both of them - for whatever reasons. Personally, that's not my style.
angie2443 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 This ends up bieng a sad, cold, lonely existance for the children. Divorce is so much better.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I have heard of it. Except in the situation I have heard about it, they share the house and the kids stay the entire week but the parents are the ones that do the moving around. Dad stays on certain days and then mom stays the other days. They don't do that much together as a family though. They are pretty truly divorced but have never done the paperwork. Don't ask me why.
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I think sometimes it's not a planned situation per se, but the M just evolves to that point....which is also sad for all concerned..none of the parties is living life to it's full possibilities (even the children) and it does give a false role model for the children which I think causes more harm for their futures than if the situation were resolved.
Adunaphel Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Anyone hear of these? Two people leading separate lives - barely speaking and only spending time with each other in for "family events", no sex for years, living in different parts of the house, both dating other people, but not getting a legal separation or divorce for "the sake of the children" and to not get into a legal mess? And of course, trying to hide this fact from their children (while most everyone else knows about the facade - friends, other adult family members, etc.) Anyone in this situation or know of anyone is this situation? Thoughts? Should I be posting this is the marriage/separation section? MM I am seeing is considering this option exactly, but only as a last resort, mainly for economical reasons. I find the "for the sake of the children" reason quite nonsensical - as if children were stupid.
beautifullove Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I think you may find this story similar to yours. [COLOR=#660000]separated in the same house; would wife come around[/COLOR] The poster is called redblack66 Good Luck
OWoman Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Anyone hear of these? Two people leading separate lives - barely speaking and only spending time with each other in for "family events", no sex for years, living in different parts of the house, both dating other people, but not getting a legal separation or divorce for "the sake of the children" and to not get into a legal mess? And of course, trying to hide this fact from their children (while most everyone else knows about the facade - friends, other adult family members, etc.) Anyone in this situation or know of anyone is this situation? Thoughts? Should I be posting this is the marriage/separation section? Yes I've seen plenty such cases. "Soft divorce" is usually pretty difficult on the partners of the spouses though, as they often don't know where they really stand, and so the "dating other people" can be a little fraught, especially if the new partners want to formalise things or elsewise take things further. It tends to work best where at least one of the spouses has moved into same-sex Rs, signalling a clear break sexually. But of themselves, these situations can be very stable long-term - I know of one where they stayed together even after the kids left home, the H and his new GF and the W and her new GF, like a hippy commune form the 60s.
Ally Boo Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 A boyfriend once presented an open relationship to me. It was the first I had heard about it. After doing some research, I discovered there is a huge group of people that are into this. They call it "the lifestyle." I remember them saying that they know they truly love each other because in the end, their committment is to each other. I guess in that they were committed to stay together and allow the other to be happy? I'm not sure really, I just know it wasn't for me.
Author Cheesecake Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 Thanks for your responses. And yes, I was involved with a MM who is in this situation. I know all of his friends and friends girlfriends, so its absolutely not a lie. They do live this way. Marriage went bad 12 years ago, completely sexless and dead for the last 7 (which is when they agreed upon the "separation". ) And yes, they've tried MC a while back, etc...they have just completely grown apart (or really were just very different people from the getgo.) She just went away to Europe with the man she's dating a couple of times already this year(for week stints). I'm sooooo happy that she has someone too. How could the children not know? 13 and 17 - and definitely not stupid. Unless they're in denial. Apparently, now that the children are older, they're realizing this is no way to live, they are ready to make the legal split. He said he can't give me a timeline of events and he knows that's not fair to me. So I've backed off completely (no contact) so that he can focus and take care of things. So we'll see. I just want everyone to be happy. Him, me, his hopefully soon to be x, and his children. I worry about them a lot which is one reason why I've completely removed myself from this situation (as well as the fact that this situation is completely unfair to me AND the man she is dating unless he is also in a dead marriage.) And of course, our involvement is helping them keep their web of lies alive - I want no part of that. Not bad people, just misguided and scared I suppose. Can't enable them any further.
Author Cheesecake Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 And yes, we're very much in love with each other which makes things EXTREMELY difficult, but I have to be strong and keep away for now. If it was meant to be, it will happen. If not, I move on - heartbroken, but I'll survive. LOL.
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 well I did have a friendship with a guy that was headed to a more serious future..but I couldn't handle the idea that he and his ex were D but still shared the same house so they could both "be there" for the kids. Too weird for me I'm afraid, and I called it right as the latest is that they have decided to "try again" even while remaining divorced LOL
Agent_99 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 My XH and I are still technically married. We will be for a while. A there are tax benefits for both of us, health insurance benefits, etc. There will be no going back to the marriage, as I am openly gay. We lived as room-mates for awhile even to try and make that work for kids, but when he started getting serious about the woman he was dating we decided not to anymore so that they can find a house together. In this we weren't misguided or living a lie, we had seperate bedrooms, and kids know that we were not 'married' anymore. We agreed on house rules and stuck by them. We continue to work well together to parent kids, and we are still friends. We've known each other since we were teens, and so while there was a long term of civility only, we both decided that the one thing we missed from our marriage was freindship, which has evolved over time, obviously we don't talk about everything in our lives with each other, but we even talk about our relationships with each other. Well for that matter, I introduced him to his gf, I just had a feeling that they would hit it off. Anyway, little different than what you were asking for, but these things do happen. ~99
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