endlesstrains Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Well, my guy did an interesting 180 after coming back from vacation... we always were good together but he was cautious, relecutant. We had a conversation before he left about these things and when he came back he told me that he had thought about it and realized he really loved me and wanted to invest himself fully in the relationship (not that he hadn't, but he was protecting his heart and emotions because of his last relationship being very bad.) All this is great and I was happy to hear it. We exchanged "I love you"s, etc. But the problem comes in some things he said last night. We were with a mutual friend, all getting drunk at a quiet bar. This friend was having relationship problems so we were all talking about relationships and things like that. My guy, in response to something our friend was saying, said something along the lines of how he felt that if you knew the person you were with was not someone you'd want to eventually marry, that it was best to break it off. Now I know that he often phrases things in a strange way that comes off wrong to people-- this is just part of his personality so I kind of have to translate these things into what he MEANS instead of what he SAID... and I think what he meant by that was just that if you know it's not going to work out with someone early on, you shouldn't drag the relationship out. I agree with this. I am not really a person for flings or 'summer relationships' or anything... I want something long-term. But I am only 23 years old and hearing him say "married" kind of freaked me out! Of course I know he is not ready to get married and neither am I and that would never come up in our relationship any time in the forseeable future-- it's not that that I am worried about... I guess the problem is that in my mind, I hope to have a good, long relationship with this man, but I always had the idea in the back of my head that it would end someday and I would go on to date other guys. This is my first serious relationship as an adult (not counting one I had as a teenager... because really) and this kind of made me feel a little panicked... I mean, this guy is great, wonderful, and I truly love him, but I guess I get nervous at the idea of never knowing what else is "out there." I feel like he may be really compatible with me and it would be the smart choice to stay with him as long as we get along and have that connection, but maybe I will not end up making the smart choice... because I am a really curious person who likes to have lots of different experiences and I think it would be hard for me to settle down while wondering "what is it like to date other guys? What is it like to have sex with other men?" (I have had sex before him but only with one person.) And it makes me feel pretty horrible because I don't want to ever hurt him, cheat on him, or break up with him just for these reasons... I am so happy with him and he treats me so well. But is it really fair if we have different long term goals? He said to me, later that night things like "I think this is the real thing" and something like "I think we are in it for the long haul" which in other circumstances I would accept happily and know we were in a secure long term relationship. But after hearing the marriage thing, I can't help but read under his words and wonder if he is really saying "I think I will want to marry you someday." And... I am not ready to even THINK about thinking about that. Seriously. I never ever took him to be someone who would be ready either... and maybe those words only came out because we were drunk. He didn't say them to ME, but our friend, in response to something he was saying. But, still, if that's how he really feels I am not sure we are on the same page. I know he is not ready now but I think he sees it as a future possibility and I am not sure that I do... So I guess I just wanted some advice... thoughts, etc. I DO NOT want to break up with this man at all but I am feeling pressured and a little panicked at the thought of nothing else for "the rest of my life" (I know it never really works out that way, but you know what I mean.) I am young and I see a long life ahead of me that I always felt would be filled with different things, different people... different men... not that I would sleep around or ever cheat on a BF, I am not that kind of person. But I saw multiple long term relationships in my future and thinking about having just one makes me feel kind of trapped... It's funny because just a couple weeks ago he was the one feeling a little nervous, cautious, trapped (when I said certain things, not all the time), but I guess he has made some personal decision that he wants to be serious and that is ok with me, but maybe it's just a lot all at once... EDIT: I forgot that I left something out. He expressed that night at the bar that for him, when he breaks up it is final, with no going back (as opposed to how some people break up then get back together, etc.) I guess this makes it worse because I know that it is not a possibility of someday deciding we WERE right for each other but not at the right times in our lives, and that we could split for a while and then return to each other... not that I want to do that now, but it could have been a solution to the problem if it came up in the future.
Jilly Bean Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 He was talking hypothetically and generally about relationships with a freind. I wouldn't take it to heart like he is planning on asking you to marry him. I think you're getting WAY ahead of yourself, all because of his generic comments. Just enjoy the good relationship you have with him, and try not to sabotage it with concerns about the future, which may or may not manifest as you surmise.
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