Slowly UNsticking from a married woman

[nunyanunya]

Original thread to be found here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155796/

 

So, after about a month, Im BAACK! After realizing that I was spending WAAAAY too much time digging through her facebook, I said eff this noise, and deleted her from my friends list, removed her and her husband from all forms of comm known to either of us (caveat, not BLOCKED, just, removed them from my lists so their availability wasn't in my face all the time).

I did this suddenly, the results of which can be described as jerking the brakes of a moving car, as opposed to a gradual slowdown or change of direction. Naturally, hot coffee gets spilled in laps, and people get mad, etc. After finding her later and having the talk with her, I explained my position, that I was engaging in a destructive cycle that I needed to break, (for those of you who didn't read the original thread, consisted of me talking to her all the damn time, engaging myself in her life constantly, and starting to ignore real life issues) and that after trying other unsuccessful things to change I felt that I needed some distance from her and her husband. The talk went well, because actually her and I had had this kind of talk before, just nothing serious like this time. In the end, the conversation ended rather smoothly, nobody seemed to be upset (i was clearly concerned that my actions would make her feel jilted). I was about to go on about why i might care about how my actions are affecting her, but i can't answer that, and its getting messy in my head.

the conversation ended like this:

her, "Its ok, do what you gotta do"

me, "thanks, I just need to roll some things around in my head for a while"

her, "no problem, so i guess i'll see you around" (her version of a goodbye that assumes that we wont be seeing each other frequently).

 

since our conversation was cutoff, there were other details that i wanted to talk about, so i thought about it for a few days and wrote up an email, a rather, more outlined, concise position statement if you will. I thought it was pretty diplomatic myself. Key phrases include " the idea here is that ill be distant, not gone" yes. I know its weak. Im working on it.

 

Since im a glutton for punishment, apparently, im going to tell you all that I got weak on friday night. the no contact lasted for a few days, but....

 

Since this wasn't an easy thing to do, i had in fact been rolling it around in my head, and I wanted to kinda make up for such an abrupt escape, and kinda, redo it, but not really. I don't really know why I felt that way looking back, but i can outline it in a general sense later.

 

so I come online and I fire up comm channels, look for her. I didn't really know what I was going to say. She was around, but evaded my attempts to communicate. I'll spare you the details, but I ended up sending her another email that night. I got a response.

 

You know what? im just going to get to the point. I am naive. I thought that pulling away from her wasn't going to be that big of a deal for her. What it felt like looking back is that she noticed i was pulling away, and for some reason she decided to cut me off too, i bet its cuz she knew that instead of letting it go that id come back and give her more attention, or something. after that last set of emails, in which she said "you're going to get your distance whether you wanted it or not", Im actually feeling pretty good.

 

well. maybe not good. I used to be good, then I started this post.

at least:

Im trying to remember that shes married. and far enough away.

I'm realizing that I'm starting to have a hard time answering the question: "why do you care so much?"

I'm trying to remember that I CAN truly forget about her and find a fulfilling life.

That there isn't anything to her that I can't find in someone else.

Forgive myself for getting into this situation in the first place, and for continuing to be a tool about it.

No regrets, right? come on, no regrets now....

 

No its not instinct yet, but....

 

I dont even know what kind of support im looking for here. I really don't. If no one has anything to say, I wont be offended. But if there is any wisdom that any of you would like to share (or roasts, hehe) bring them on.

[LadyDi]

I feel for you, how's that!? I haven't ever made it thru more than 3 weeks of NC so don't feel badly.

[nunyanunya]

I think i might be beating myself up about making her upset with me, because I think i could have handled it differently and made it smoother. And then some other part of me says uhm, should I care? Am i a bad person for mishandling this situation? Am I again being unfair to myself? Am I thinking too much? Is it ok for me to think to myself, well it shouldn't have happened in the first place, and im not even married to her, so why should I be spending any emotional energy on this? oh wait... yes... yes it is....

still doesn't feel instinctive though, only rational at this point.

 

I feel for you, how's that!? I haven't ever made it thru more than 3 weeks of NC so don't feel badly.

 

I tell you what, if it makes you feel better, her birthday is at the end of the month, so I can break NC there with an innocent email, how does that sound ;-).

 

I tell you something else. How would you like to be NC buddies. Every time you feel like you want to break NC, send me a pm instead! And if you would be amenable, every time I feel like breaking NC, I'll send YOU one!

[LadyDi]

I'm hardly the one to say "No don't do it!" I'm more the one you call when you don't want to hear NO. lol I can come up with all kinds of excuses on why you should go ahead and make that one little harmless text/call/e-mail. I'm an enabler. lol But it does suck that we end up feeling poorly about ourselves when we can't make it thru NC. I wish I were stronger, but there's hope for you!

[nunyanunya]

Isn't there hope for you too? if i read your posts right, aren't you in a completely new location workwise now? It helps to have some friends to talk to about things. Mainly because I, like you, can come up with all sorts of reasons :-). So I go to my friends for help, so they can remind me why I'm doing the right thing. Serves two purposes, because once we have that talk, I have someone to hang out with and enjoy myself! I think, if I read right, you're married? Since I don't know your situation much this might not work for you, but I'm sure that when you look at him you can see someone who loves you, who you love back, and with whom you may enjoy spending some quality time with? If that doesn't work, I'm sure you have a few friends you can go out with, if not to talk, at least to help get your mind off of things when the urge to break NC gets bad? Actually, i've found it extremely helpful to start writing in a journal. Every time I feel like I can't deal with something in my head I write it out, or if i feel like breaking NC ill write down what i want to say. etc etc.

 

oh yea, and odd side note, after talking with a bunch of friends, oh and my mother, 3 out of 4 of them (including my mother) had some similar story concerning a romantic interest that they never would have shared with anyone if it weren't for me telling them mine.

[astra77]

Hi guys.

 

NC is H A R D. Dont be hard on yourselves.

 

I was so caught up in how I felt for the MM that i forgot about me. I am the one thats feeling MY pain, so only I know what i am going thru. Whether your x cares or loves you is irrelevant. The question is do you love YOURSELF? My guess is NO.

 

While your situation/s are not unique, it is your own personal experience. By killing yourself with crazyness, you cant move on.

 

Think about it this way - rate you pain after breaking NC, do you feel the way you felt the day you broke up and initiated NC ? If you do, you will only do this (break NC) a few more times before you cant STAND what you are doing to YOU and you will STOP.

 

By breaking NC we are hurting ourselves MORE. Been there, done that and i have had enough of hurting myself over and over and over, I AM DONE WITH IT FOR GOOD.

[nunyanunya]

I was getting caught up in my MW's life and was neglecting myself. I realized it, and the results are the post you see above. Thank you for your support astra!

 

About the loving yourself bit, I really can't say much one way or the other. Id like to think that I'm working towards a 'yes', but im not really sure I'd know what that sort of state of being would feel like, if you know what im saying. If it helps, I can answer the question of, have I been investing my emotional energy heavily in my MW and not in myself? that answer would be a resounding yes.

[astra77]

Huny - i hear you, i feel your pain, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Think in terms of reclaiming who you are, stop asking yourself so many questions - this is hard. Try to accept the situation as it is. Accept that you have fallen in love, and that the relationship is not healthy for you, and you can therefore no longer proceed with the relationship. This too is hard. Then start to let go - again, this is hard.

 

No one can take away your memories of your x, no one can know the love, no one can ease the pain, but by accepting all of this and then letting it go - its all part of the healing process. By accepting that you have loved and lost, you will grow.

 

Stop telling yourself that you are a bad person, OWN your mistakes, OWN your bad decisions and OWN your indescretions, OWN it and embrace it, but at the same time, congratulate yourself for recognising the unhealthy R you are in and for doing something for YOU. By letting go, moving on etc, you are showing you are selfless as your WANTS and DESIRES are put aside for your WELLBEING and HEALTH and that of others involved

 

LOVE YOU FROM NOW ON ((HUGS))

[astra77]

Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all

[Owl]

What are you DOING to help yourself get through this?

 

Going NC...that's the critical step, of course.

 

But once you're NC...what are you DOING to help yourself stay that way?

 

It doesn't sound like you're refocusing your life at all...on the contrary, it sounds like you're still doing the same things, only without contacting her. That won't work, as you've discovered.

 

You need to refocus.

 

You need a change in direction, and you need to do something that is going to take ALL of your attention/focus/effort. So that you're not left with any "left over" that you can turn and put back on her.

 

Make sense?

 

Go NC...and this time, have something to DO while you're NC. Hit the gym, get involved in martial arts, go back to an old hobby you love, start a new one you've always wanted to do. Make sure that your time is FILLED. That your plate is FULL.

 

Also, what kind of support system do you have in place? Friends, family that can help you get through this? That can help STOP you from contacting her when you're weak?

 

This isn't going to be EASY...that's a fact.

 

But...its the right thing to do...its what you NEED to do...

 

Come up with a plan on how you can make it happen. Then execute the plan.

[nunyanunya]

It doesn't sound like you're refocusing your life at all...on the contrary, it sounds like you're still doing the same things, only without contacting her. That won't work, as you've discovered.

 

Owl man.....

Its scary how well you read my posts, because you're spot on.

Yes what you say makes complete sense. Its easy to not contact her but still look at stuff, because doing such things requires little effort, so its so easy to just do it. As opposed to an email which must be thought about, or a phone call I can easily make to someone else.

 

I understand that I haven't refocused yet. I feel a bit stronger of a person now, and I recognize that there is more I need to do. As for a support structure, I have family I can call, and some friends. I recently moved to be near a job which has isolated me somewhat. As for activities, there are some that I will engage in this week. And of course there is LS.

All of you, I appreciate your support and advice. :-)

[Tomcat33]

Hi Nunya first off, good for you for taking a stance and sticking to your plan. It IS hard, it is very hard indeed!

 

In my experience and speaking from what I have seen there are cretainly steps you need to take to go in the right direction and even make changes to your daily routine to help you move away from your A but ultimately it has to happen within. What I mean by that is that you have already taken some significant steps towards being on the path of recovery and I commend you and praise you for sticking to your plan, half your battle is already won and many prove they cannot even do that so good for you on your strength!! But ultimately what tempts you and keeps you holding on is not what you are not doing but what you are thinking.

 

Let me ask you this, are you certain that this relationship is done for you?

What are your hopes for your future?

And most importantly what do you secretly see happening to her and her relationship?

 

 

All these things determine our mental path, it's fine to move in actions and to try to keep yourself busy but none of it will work unless your mental state is on the same path. A contradiction that will occur with your actions VS your thoughts is not conducive to progress. SO in order for your actions to succeed you must assess that your thoughts align in terms of what your hopes are.

 

Do you hope to break free, or do you hope she will come back to you? Two key elements that will determine your outcome in terms of efforts put forth.

 

So what is your mental state saying today, if you are honest with yourself, is there still hope for you and this woman in terms of what you feel and think? Or have you mentally convinced yourself to close the door on that possibility?

[nunyanunya]

Tomcat, Good tough questions.

Ashamedly, at this point (owl isn't going to like to hear this).

are you certain that this relationship is done for you?

No. I'm not certain yet. Thats not necessarily because I know anything in particular though. At this point I get the feeling that I'm just holding on to residual after effects, especially because of how our last exchange ended. It didn't sit well with me that I had burned a bridge. Thats not me saying "burning this bridge is a bad idea", but, its. just... kinda, unsettling. Also, I know how she holds grudges and often bites first before she gets bitten. It might be naive of me to say that I think that means that she won't try to reach out to me ever, but it bothers me that its disconcerting.

 

Hopes for my future? uh... :-/

 

what do I see happening to her relationship? I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure they will end up working out their differences. Sounds like I got a pretty good case building up for me doesn't it.

 

Do I wish to break free, or wish she'll come back to me? Well, at the moment, I'm liking the sound of a strong happy me. But every so often I still think about her, and i check the channels. As consolation, I've been checking them less and less, and eliminated a few. To be honest, sometimes I think about how I might break NC in the distant future and reach out. The question I need some help answering is why I feel like I want to do that. I almost feel like right now my strength is false, like i'm telling myself, don't bother yourself with it now, you can reach out later. And I just know that I can't tell anyone with a straight face how I WON'T be sorely tempted to respond if she reaches out first. I guess I should say, I don't feel the burn now, but something tells me that I will later. After all, its only been a week.

 

I can rationalize that things aren't going to work out between us unless something statistically unlikely and drastic happens. I don't think I've mentally closed the door yet.

 

@ owl. I'm omw out to check out some new activities.

 

@ all. I know my situation could have ended up a lot worse. I appreciate everyone's targeted inquiry, helping me look in the mirror etc.

 

Do I hope she will come back to me? I really don't know. I can rationalize out how I think its NOT going to happen, that doesn't mean that I don't hope for it. I think i can say, I hope for it less that I used to...?

[astra77]

Tomcat, Good tough questions.

Ashamedly, at this point (owl isn't going to like to hear this).

 

No. I'm not certain yet. Thats not necessarily because I know anything in particular though. At this point I get the feeling that I'm just holding on to residual after effects, especially because of how our last exchange ended. It didn't sit well with me that I had burned a bridge. Thats not me saying "burning this bridge is a bad idea", but, its. just... kinda, unsettling. Also, I know how she holds grudges and often bites first before she gets bitten. It might be naive of me to say that I think that means that she won't try to reach out to me ever, but it bothers me that its disconcerting.

 

Hopes for my future? uh... :-/

 

what do I see happening to her relationship? I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure they will end up working out their differences. Sounds like I got a pretty good case building up for me doesn't it.

 

Do I wish to break free, or wish she'll come back to me? Well, at the moment, I'm liking the sound of a strong happy me. But every so often I still think about her, and i check the channels. As consolation, I've been checking them less and less, and eliminated a few. To be honest, sometimes I think about how I might break NC in the distant future and reach out. The question I need some help answering is why I feel like I want to do that. I almost feel like right now my strength is false, like i'm telling myself, don't bother yourself with it now, you can reach out later. And I just know that I can't tell anyone with a straight face how I WON'T be sorely tempted to respond if she reaches out first. I guess I should say, I don't feel the burn now, but something tells me that I will later. After all, its only been a week.

 

I can rationalize that things aren't going to work out between us unless something statistically unlikely and drastic happens. I don't think I've mentally closed the door yet.

 

@ owl. I'm omw out to check out some new activities.

 

@ all. I know my situation could have ended up a lot worse. I appreciate everyone's targeted inquiry, helping me look in the mirror etc.

 

Do I hope she will come back to me? I really don't know. I can rationalize out how I think its NOT going to happen, that doesn't mean that I don't hope for it. I think i can say, I hope for it less that I used to...?

 

nunyanunya, i dont know what else to say expect, I UNDERSTAND how you are feeling, as i feel the same way:confused:

 

((HUGS))

[Jumbo]

nunyanunya/Astrsa -

 

You are not alone ...I am in that same boat....feeling better on some days and starting to see things more clearly about the selflessness and control that my MW had and used...yet there are still days when the phone rings that i silently hope it is her calling...or coming home and seeing her car in my driveway....but I will continue nc....unless she left him...and that is not practical.

[nunyanunya]

I mean, I guess this is just supposed to be a life lesson about letting go. And of course, the lesson is, it sucks, and eventually we're supposed to realize that its ok, that in the end walking away from an emotional investment of x years that wasn't supposed to work out in the first place is ok. That we don't owe the MM/W anything, we owe ourselves happiness, and fulfilling relationships. For some, those relationships might end up with the MM/W, and for others (most?) don't get your hopes up? But the right now isn't fun. My brain gets stuck on it, like i haven't yet grasped the permanency that may in fact need to be, nor the scope of time I'm going to struggle through. It sucks to feel like you're losing a friend, but I know that as I say that and read here, that might be nothing more than my weak self trying to convince me to go back, or that its naive or sheerly statically unlikely that a healthy friendship can continue. Sorry, I don't think this post has any answers for anyone.

 

Jumbo, if you want an NC buddy, lemme know and I'll trade you contact info.

 

@ all, May this never go without saying, Thanks everyone. LS = LifeSaver.

[nunyanunya]

@ Tomcat

 

I guess the idea here is that I can't really move on until I admit to myself that I'm treating her as more than a friend, and realize that doing anything other than shutting her out for good would just perpetuate what you see here? I understand the concept behind how only physically filling my time and energy with distractions won't be enough to cut if if at the end of the day I still wish she was mine, or still hold fantastic hope that she'll come back, or show me the same effort that i've shown her, in spite of the fact that I can't rationalize it working out anymore. Half of me says commit to NC, because nothing good will come of any pursuit. Sadly, a lesser part of me says commit to NC because that will show her you're strong and she'll get weak first (I'm pretty sure that's a big lie, but nonetheless the sentiment still exists).

 

So I guess the question is, how do I change my mindset?

[Tomcat33]

@ Tomcat

 

I guess the idea here is that I can't really move on until I admit to myself that I'm treating her as more than a friend, and realize that doing anything other than shutting her out for good would just perpetuate what you see here? I understand the concept behind how only physically filling my time and energy with distractions won't be enough to cut if if at the end of the day I still wish she was mine, or still hold fantastic hope that she'll come back, or show me the same effort that i've shown her, in spite of the fact that I can't rationalize it working out anymore. Half of me says commit to NC, because nothing good will come of any pursuit. Sadly, a lesser part of me says commit to NC because that will show her you're strong and she'll get weak first (I'm pretty sure that's a big lie, but nonetheless the sentiment still exists).

 

So I guess the question is, how do I change my mindset?

 

 

Ok good question and a good realization to have. I can't tell you enough how doing things alone to distract yourself doesn't work, it didn't for me and it hasn't for many I see.

 

So how do you let your thougts match your actions, very simple FOCUS ON THE BAD.

 

Look we are energy we are energy that is managed by mood and by thought, whatever you carry in your mind will affect how your brain will fucntion. Your mind does the thinking your brain does the processing.

Your mood can control your brain if you let it.

 

Stop idealizing your relationship whith this woman, I know you feel love for her I know you feel a lot of very deep and very valid emotions for her as you should you are in love afterall, but focus on the negatives, focus on the obvious reasons why you aren't with her. Write it out for yourself write out in clear terms all the things you don't like about the relationship you had with her, the very negative traits that accompanied negativity and don't be afraid to attribute the responsibility where responsibilty is due, if she promised you things that did not come to fruition make note of that, make note of the things she has contradicted in words/actions.

This is not an exercise to beat yourself up ok? There is plenty time for that, this is an execise to see her for who she is.

 

Now once you start to purge all these negative thoughts it will be like floodgate or negative things you will feel, and notice what happens to your mood.

 

Do this in a time where you can concentrate and tell us about what happens. Tell us what you feel after you do this exercise. You will be amazed how much power your thoughts have over your mood.

 

This has worked for me in my lowest of times. No amount of people telling you negative things about her will work, it has to come from within yourself.

[nunyanunya]

:-J ok. I like that idea. I'll give it a go later when I can focus on it entirely.

oh and Chevelle - Don't Fake This plays as I read your post. It's on random I swear.

[nunyanunya]

For the record, I did not check comm for the rest of the day, that puts it at about 12 hours.

This is going to be a long one. Grab some popcorn.

 

Lets start with her personality.

She is quick to take offense. She seems to forget that the person she lashes out at has feelings, and doesn't deserve her ire. She shoots first, and usually has to be coerced to ask questions later.

She thinks that any time something goes wrong, that the other person is required to prove themselves to her, or else she'll take it to mean that they don't care and move on. She seems to enjoy giving her free time and effort to younger guys. Internet only, of course. My intuition tells me that she wont go as far with them as she did with me, sheer experience, and they are quite a bit less mature. But that doesn't mean that the underlying motivation doesn't still exist.

 

She has claimed to be blind to my feelings as a defense of her actions. But every now and again she'll tap into me when she needs it. I deserve someone who can connect with me when I need it, too.

 

We are not together because, at least, she is married. Further, I am just starting out life and would find a great deal of trouble coping with suddenly becoming a father figure to a 4 year old. I just became a step brother to a 6 year old, for crying out loud. Not to mention becoming a potential husband. I really don't fully understand what that means, but its not screaming out to me just yet. Not to mention figuring out how to magically provide for a family on my entry level buget.

Also, My ideea of a relationship with her is based on fantasy and half truths, to be sure, and being with her for real may not work out. Did I mention she was married?

 

This whole thing started because I was naive and actually felt special because a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman thought I was worth her time and energy, and she was married! So she thought I was better than what she had. Little did I know that she was just using me as an escape, and continues to do so occasionally, because I let her, albeit not to the extent it used to go. the latest example is the reason im here today. I've had enough.

 

when I need her? can she be there? NO

 

I've demonstrated to myself that I am not an emotioal vaccuum. That I can communicate my needs to a partner, and be patient and help them communicate their needs to me. Its been said more than once that I will make a good partner and father someday. My relationship with this woman has helped me understand a little more about what that means. But she will not get my fruit. I am not sorry.

 

she makes me feel guilty for attempting to resolve conflict, especially since it is usually me that is conflicted, and I feel that If I ever piss her off she just shuts me out like no body's business, I used to crave her attention too! Jesus I sound pathetic.

 

She has demonstrated poor judgement many times. When she gets upset, she deals with it poorly. I can not claim to understand the pressures of married life and parenting, but, her coping mechanisms can be a little destructive.

 

She does not carry all the blame by far. I gave her myself, nearly all. She let me in, but at the end of the day I can be nothing but kicked to the curb.

 

I alone Initiated NC because I recognized that I need to grow. I need to grow out of this fantasy, heal myself, live for myself, cease to be a leech, or a puppy dog.

 

I know now what was up. And she continues to claim that what we had was special. I have honestly engaged her in the conversation about what really happened, in hopes of getting closure about it and possibly moving on to a healthier, platonic relationship, I assure you in a completely neutral and emotionless tone, but she persists that it was more than just her looking for an escape at a really bad time. My fantasy in my mind wants that to be true, but in the end there is nothing to be gained by chasing it.

 

Tomcat. I never did address any of these issues before. My mood after completing this can best be described as more resolute. This was a fun exercise. I think I was still thinking with my rational mind a bit too much, but something that might not be clear, the real hardcore EA/long distance pa was over a while ago, i've just had trouble moving past. I mean that as a defense against the argument that I am not in touch with my emotions. I've vented about disconnecting with her more emotionally in the past. Its just felt like there are some pebbles still stuck in my shoe. Maybe I making light of this, I don't know. Time will tell, i guess?

[Tomcat33]

Wow nunya I had no idea you'd come back and share such a comprehensive post with us, I thought you would share with us how you felt afterwards more than the actual details so this is AWSOME!

 

I think the effect of what I was trying to demonstrate to you played out nicely, basically I wanted to show you that we can change our mood within seconds if we put our mind to it. After you wrote out this detailed exercise I bet all those luvy duvy "Ohhh how I miss her" emotions turned into "wait I minute, why do I miss her again!?!"

 

See it's so easy to give in to our romanticized feelings of how things were, we never tend to stop ourselves dead in our tracks to correct the thought pattern we just sit there wallow in our feelings for pitty, loss and memory of the good. But if we were to ACTIVELY take on the role of referee to intersect on the lalaland thoughts every time they come on there is no time for them to consume us.

 

When you find yourself doing too much nice thinking, missing her too much and just reminiscing on the good times, blow the whistle on your thoughts and change the course of pattern. If you continue to do this pretty soon the emotions won't consume you, sure you will always have fond memories of her and what you shared but you won't feel like a slave to your emotions, you will be able to manage your thoughts/feelings.

 

Lastly, as I read what you wrote it sounds like you weren't ready for any of the things it would have implied to be with this woman full time, so take it one step further and ask yourself outside of how she made you feel and the moments you spent together what kind of future did you envision for yourself with her, realistically speaking and imagine how that would have impacted your life the plans you have for yourself today and your future?

 

You seem like you are still young and like you still have a lot to achieve in terms of personal goals this woman would have stunted this for you and think 5-10yrs down the line you would have looked back and thought "she took my good years away and I was forced to be stepfather and husband when I could have been doing X instead"

[astra77]

For the record, I did not check comm for the rest of the day, that puts it at about 12 hours.

This is going to be a long one. Grab some popcorn.

 

Lets start with her personality.

She is quick to take offense. She seems to forget that the person she lashes out at has feelings, and doesn't deserve her ire. She shoots first, and usually has to be coerced to ask questions later.

She thinks that any time something goes wrong, that the other person is required to prove themselves to her, or else she'll take it to mean that they don't care and move on. She seems to enjoy giving her free time and effort to younger guys. Internet only, of course. My intuition tells me that she wont go as far with them as she did with me, sheer experience, and they are quite a bit less mature. But that doesn't mean that the underlying motivation doesn't still exist.

 

She has claimed to be blind to my feelings as a defense of her actions. But every now and again she'll tap into me when she needs it. I deserve someone who can connect with me when I need it, too.

 

We are not together because, at least, she is married. Further, I am just starting out life and would find a great deal of trouble coping with suddenly becoming a father figure to a 4 year old. I just became a step brother to a 6 year old, for crying out loud. Not to mention becoming a potential husband. I really don't fully understand what that means, but its not screaming out to me just yet. Not to mention figuring out how to magically provide for a family on my entry level buget.

Also, My ideea of a relationship with her is based on fantasy and half truths, to be sure, and being with her for real may not work out. Did I mention she was married?

 

This whole thing started because I was naive and actually felt special because a beautiful, intelligent, creative woman thought I was worth her time and energy, and she was married! So she thought I was better than what she had. Little did I know that she was just using me as an escape, and continues to do so occasionally, because I let her, albeit not to the extent it used to go. the latest example is the reason im here today. I've had enough.

 

when I need her? can she be there? NO

 

I've demonstrated to myself that I am not an emotioal vaccuum. That I can communicate my needs to a partner, and be patient and help them communicate their needs to me. Its been said more than once that I will make a good partner and father someday. My relationship with this woman has helped me understand a little more about what that means. But she will not get my fruit. I am not sorry.

 

she makes me feel guilty for attempting to resolve conflict, especially since it is usually me that is conflicted, and I feel that If I ever piss her off she just shuts me out like no body's business, I used to crave her attention too! Jesus I sound pathetic.

 

She has demonstrated poor judgement many times. When she gets upset, she deals with it poorly. I can not claim to understand the pressures of married life and parenting, but, her coping mechanisms can be a little destructive.

 

She does not carry all the blame by far. I gave her myself, nearly all. She let me in, but at the end of the day I can be nothing but kicked to the curb.

 

I alone Initiated NC because I recognized that I need to grow. I need to grow out of this fantasy, heal myself, live for myself, cease to be a leech, or a puppy dog.

 

I know now what was up. And she continues to claim that what we had was special. I have honestly engaged her in the conversation about what really happened, in hopes of getting closure about it and possibly moving on to a healthier, platonic relationship, I assure you in a completely neutral and emotionless tone, but she persists that it was more than just her looking for an escape at a really bad time. My fantasy in my mind wants that to be true, but in the end there is nothing to be gained by chasing it.

 

Tomcat. I never did address any of these issues before. My mood after completing this can best be described as more resolute. This was a fun exercise. I think I was still thinking with my rational mind a bit too much, but something that might not be clear, the real hardcore EA/long distance pa was over a while ago, i've just had trouble moving past. I mean that as a defense against the argument that I am not in touch with my emotions. I've vented about disconnecting with her more emotionally in the past. Its just felt like there are some pebbles still stuck in my shoe. Maybe I making light of this, I don't know. Time will tell, i guess?

 

I have just read another post - another OW / MM story - and we are all on the same page here. An TC got us thinking. Thanks TC

 

I am begining to understand my pain, and it is very slowly getting better.

 

I have had these realisations myself, but remember to nurture yourself through this - we are acknowledging quite alot at the moment and making really f**cken good progress, but remember to nurture YOURSELF, look after yourself. Everyone hold on tight and keep fighting for yourself, we can do this, we can get through it, ALL of us