journey1 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 This past year has been the worst year ever!!! I dated the man I was inlove with for 5 years. I got a new job and had to move only 35 miles from him but it changed everything. I moved and started my new job. There was a guy at my job I felt instantly attracted to and he happened to be the nicest guy! I started to pull away from my BF cause he was lazy with me, didnt have a sensitive bone in his body and didnt come to visit me as often as I wanted due to his job. Basically I felt lost. Well, wouldnt you know it my BF finally proposes!! I must explain that this 5 year relationship was a struggle. he previously cheated on me and dated the girl for 3 months and came crawling back and I took him. I was so inlove and I was young (24). We were dating for 1.5 years when he did that. So Ithink that the entire realtionship suffered due to this. I never cheated on him and I never thought of another. It was only he who I desired and was madly inlove with. HOWEVER, God is evil. So for the first time in 5 years I am attracted to a new man and my guy proposes?? The proposal was awesome and I was happy, but I was twisted inside. I felt guilty becasue I was thinking of the new guy at work (which nothing had happened with at that time !!) So we're engaged and trying to set our wedding plans. For some reason I couldnt do it. I couldnt look for a dress or plan. The guilt was too much. Me and my fiancee had other problems at the time. he was sooo busy working and he never found time to call. He was always stressed or angry. I started to disconnect. I would cry to him and tell him we were losing each other and that I needed him. This went on for months. Then finally we had a huge fight and our relationshiop ended, I let it go, I tried many times to explain to him that I was not happy but he was the type of guy who didnt listen. so during our break up he tried to get into my life but it felt so minimal. I had put in extreme efforts for 5 years and we break off our engagement and all I get are texts or visits and he wants sex. It felt so wrong. So i dated the other guy from work and then my ex fiance was devastated, I was secretly happy. he needed to finally feel something!! I didnt care, I didnt miss him or think of him I was with someone else!!! But then 3 months later he stopped calling and trying and it hit me that I missed him and that the new guy did not feel right in my life and it should only be my ex fiance. At that time it was too late he had met someone too. So all this winter I was suffering and dealing with losing him and him moving on! Now April arrives and he shows up at my house with my ring and says he wants to try. I am in disbelief, I am the happiest I have ever felt. We tried for one month and he was just not himself. he wasnt giving me 100%. I would ask why and tell him it felt wrong. He said he loved me but it wasnt enough for what I needed from him. Then he came back in June and July. We saw each other all the time and we were intimate and we went to one anothers family parties. It was great!!! I would see him 4 out of 7 days. BUT>>>he wouldnt call on the other 3. So I started to get sad that no texts or calls would come to me. I asked him for more and he said he couldnt. He said he loves me but if he truly felt inlove he would make this happen. I have had ENOUGH!!! I am in hell. It has been one week since I cried to him and told him how we could make this happen and we had such a strong bond over all this crap. His last words to me were in a text " If I feel like we are better together I will try and get you back",. I have NC for one week and I am dying. Is he done with me?? Why all the time spent together and the family stuff?? IS he confused:lmao:
Angel1111 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I think you're both confused and this relationship has all the makings of a nasty divorce down the road. Look, just because the guy at the office didn't work out, didn't mean you needed to go back to the other one. There was another option - don't pick either one of them. In tumultuous relationships like this, both people are speaking two different languages and you're trying to make him understand how to treat you. What you're totally missing is that you shouldn't have to work this hard to be with someone and you shouldn't have to explain to him what should come naturally. Maybe you both love one another but, I've been in relationships like this, and that love is not ever going to be enough. He is not the person you want him to be and he does not treat you the way you want to be treated. That's not going to change. You may go through phases where the two of you are happy but it never seems to stick. It's hard to walk away from these kinds of relationships but if he doesn't try to contact you again, then he's actually done you a favor because it's doubtful that you'll end this unless you meet someone new. But my guess is that he'll contact you again and this will all start up once more. Just don't be surprised that all the problems you had before are going to come up again. My other thought is that if a guy cheats on you while you're dating, you've got BIG problems. Even though it's hard to pinpoint where all these problems come from, you would be doing yourself a favor if you'd look at the big picture. You'll see that your history with him is not good and that you're kidding yourself if you think any of that is going to miraculously change overnight. May be hard to hear but it might be a good thing to look at. I'm sorry you're going through this pain and I know how much it hurts.
Author journey1 Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 You really make a lot of sense and I hate hearing it but its true. You are very smart, and I once thought I was! If anyone else was going through it, I would know the answers, but when it comes to me and him...I am always questioning what I should do. Guess by me having NC I am making the best choice ever!! Thank you again!
Angel1111 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Ha! I know - it's so easy to sit back and figure out everyone else's problems, isn't it? Well, I don't want to undermine the pain you're in because we all know how that feels. It's just that I learned a long time ago that love has nothing to do with being smart or dumb. One doesn't seem to have anything to do with the other. I was with a guy for 7 yrs and when we married, we went back and forth for 4 yrs. Most of my friends couldn't believe the crap I put up with because it's so unlike me. Eventually I just got tired of the whole thing and left him. You may have to get there with this guy, or maybe remember when you were so willing to let him go and how that felt. Sometimes it's just the absence of someone that we're familiar with that drives us to go back, when deep down we still know it's not going to work. You need a guy who can't wait to talk to you every single day, and who's happy to show you how much he loves you. He's out there somewhere.
cyabye Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 What you're totally missing is that you shouldn't have to work this hard to be with someone and you shouldn't have to explain to him what should come naturally. LOL. Sorry but when it comes to relationships, getting into them is the easy part. It is HARD constant work to keep it especially in marriage. Don't let anyone tell you different. What comes naturally for some might not for others. It does NOT mean they don't love you etc. You SHOULD talk to the the other person if your needs and desires are NOT being met. It's called COMMUNICATION and aside from RESPECT and TRUST, it is the key to sustaining a healthy relationship on any level. I personaly think you need some alone time to re-discover who you are. Hope this helps, C'YA BYE!
Author journey1 Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 In response to Cya Bye, I really appreciate you mentioning that some people just cant give what others can. I think that is why I held in for so long. It just doesnt feel over yet. I know he wants to feel 100% with me and he admitted that I need more and the best and that is just not him right now. Weird considering he thought it was him when he proposed last year! And weird since he has been in my life everyday since the break up. I mean even last week he was showing up at my moms bday party. These are not things you do when you are unsure about someone!! He is so messed up. but I think the whole NC thing will shake him. I have never ignored him in the past. I usually have email or text, this time NADA!! But I am working on alone time. Its hard to rediscover yourself when so much of who you thought you were revolves around them
cyabye Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 It is very hard to re-discover who you are when you are attached to someone for so long. I know. Going through that myself. But it can be exciting at times. Very important to keep your chin up. Please come back here for support when you feel like breaking NC. He needs the alone time too so he can get his life together. C'YA BYE!
Recommended Posts