The First Temptation (to break NC)

[wildsoul]

Ugh. I'm posting this as a confessional. I already know the right way to deal with this, but temptation is there. My resolve is weakening.

 

To get you up to speed:

• I broke up with my guy a week ago.
  
• Thursday, he asked to see me today as he'd be in my area.
  
• I responded with a firm "No," and initiated NC.
  
• He responded with some angry text messages, then silence.
  

So today is the day that I know he'll be in my area. I've been trying to decide what to do w/ myself. Secret confession: secretly hoping he'll break NC and come over. I've been thinking maybe I should leave the house entirely, so that I won't be here alternating between hope/fear that he would show up. But honestly, I figured I wouldn't hear from him since he was sooo mad at me for the NC email.

 

Bright and early, I got a text message from him:

"So damn tempting, and painful is my angst. Ultimatums leave me cold and lost. Love is way overrated."

 

Okay, so he and I are both obsessing over today, knowing he's going to be close by. You all said that as soon as his rage subsides he'll be feeling the loss and will contact me. As for me, I'm still weepy and got extremely triggered by a romantic movie last night because the couple reminded me of us so much. Ugh.

 

Secret confession that I'm forcing myself to admit: I want to text him back and meet him later.

 

What I'm actually doing right now: Nothing. I got the text an hour ago, and put my phone out of reach. I decided to post here. I'm going to take a shower next and go out to the grocery store. Then I'll come back and see if anyone here has responded.

 

People tell me that I'm the strongest person they know. They tell me I'm wise and admire how I will take decisive action. OMG, but I feel like such a pathetic and lost soul right now. I miss my boyfriend so badly. I'm trying to act strong with this NC thing, but it's killing me. I don't know if I can do it.

[SnowWhite924]

WildSoul...Don't do it! Don't contact him. You've had the courage to end it and to remain in NC. Don't go back. Remember what you want!! It's so important not to give in to weak temptation. Focus on what you want.

 

Think about how happy you are going to be when you know he's in your area and YOU CHOSE not to see him because YOU KNOW it's what's BEST FOR YOU!!!!!!

 

Get out of the house, keep busy, meet a friend, go shopping, do anything else but meet him. You will be glad you did.

 

I had a chance to meet by exMM while my H was away and because I knew the best thing for me was not to take advantage of it, I didn't do it. And you know what, I'm thrilled to death I didn't cave in to temptation.

I am moving forward, slowly, day by day, until I am free from this.

 

You can do it too! Don't call him, don't text him!!!!! Think about yourself and your future!!

[me003]

a friend once said.... I thought that to just have little getaways was great, but we are worth more than getaways. we are worth the whole time.

[whichwayisup]

Don't cave, please..For your own peace of mind. You can do this, even if it makes you cry and you feel awful, you CAN work through the feelings and fight them.

 

You're not pathetic, so don't think that about yourself. Beating up and thinking negative thoughts is not going to help you in the long run.

[nunyanunya]

You should be proud of yourself for being the one to decide that NC was what you needed, and actually initiating it. Furthermore, the pain of initial separation is completely natural, experiencing it doesn't make you weak. That said, you sound like you're strong enough to realize what's best for you, and now is the time that you should trust yourself and seek out a friend for some help, or go out to a movie (not a romantic one this time ;-)). Oh, and try not to take your phone with you unless you don't need it.

 

Sorry if this is too late or inapplicable, due to the time sensitivity here, but good luck!

[wildsoul]

We broke the NC.

 

I had managed to not contact him by replying to his text mge. It was hard, but I kept telling myself that all I had to do was "nothing," meaning just don't reply. I rode it out minute by minute. I busied myself with doing things that were good for me: grocery shopping, cleaning my house, calling friends.

 

One girlfriend was going to be in my area and said she'd give me a call later before dropping by. So I was home working in the yard, awaiting her, when he showed up unannounced. I was surprised, though it retrospect, I shouldn't have been.

 

It had occured to me that I should have gone out for the day, but when my girlfriend and I had made plans, I figured that was good enough. But as timing would have it, he arrived about an hour before she said she was going to call.

 

I didn't send him away. Instead, I allowed him to talk. He was in a lot of emotional pain and regret. I made us dinner. We discussed the issues again, yet also reconnected in the way that we do. Laughter, warmth, and eventually moving into embracing. Eventually sex. He spent the night and also yesterday. We were in our familiar pink love bubble, if you know what I mean.

 

Interwoven into our time together, we discussed our situation quite a bit. He reinforced his declarations of love and statements of wanting to spend his life with me. I reinforced my need to have the cheating element of our relationship removed. He did attempt to plea bargain, hoping I'd continue to see him. Several times, he said that he is going to get a divorce so he can be with me, "as soon as I get a green light." He defines a green light as when his wife gets a job and seems stable enough so as to not be completely devastated by him leaving. FWIW, he repeated my concerns back to me, showing that he understood my need to have everything 100% out in the clear.

 

Objectively, nothing in our situation has changed. Powerfully good feelings and chemistry are still there. Yet he is still married and his separation process took a set back since his wife lost her job and he gave up the room he rented outside their home.

 

Emotionally, his being with me seems to have remotivated him. He says so anyways. For me, the feelings of grief were arrested and I'm also reminded of how well we get along. Admittedly, I'm reinvested into all his talk of our future. He is still offering all the things I want. I'm savvy enough to have a wait and see attitude.

 

I have pulled back out of official NC mode. I may reinstate it. For now, I'm going to try a soft NC, meaning that my bottom-line boundaries are to:

-Not initiate contact

-Keep any communication we do have polite

-Continue to focus on my own life, as if he is out of the picture

 

I will need a plan for how to handle it if he tries to establish a sexual connection again. Um. That should read "when" not "if."

 

Has anyone had success with doing a "soft NC" as a way to allow their partner time to undo their marriage, without putting the hammer down?

[Owl]

Your "soft" NC isn't going to accomplish anything more than hurting the both of you, and prolonging the situation.

 

At the bottom layer of all of this, it boils down to this...are you wanting this situation to resolve itself, or are you willing to accept continuing to remain in it?

 

It all boils down to just that.

 

If you want the situation to resolve itself, then you need to make changes that force that resolution. NC is it.

 

I want to ask you...besides just deciding to "go NC"...what CHANGES did you make during this timeframe? Did you take action to HELP yourself maintain that NC? (such as getting 'out' when you knew he'd be in the area) Have you got people that you can go to for help when you're weak or hurting? A "support system" if you will? Did you try to redirect your energy into something (anything!!) else? The affair takes time and energy...what are you doing to channel that time and energy into something else?? Working out? New hobby? Old hobby? Spending more time with friends and family?

 

Or did you just decide you'd "go NC", and expect it to work?

 

Every major choice...every major action...requires a PLAN to make it work.

 

Make sense?

 

BTW...Tomcat33 has some good thoughts on the "will" to do NC...how you've got to truly decide that you WANT to do it before you'll truly be effective in doing it. Its something to think about...and it ties into the first questions I had at the beginning of this post...do you want to resolve this situation, or are you willing to remain the other woman?

 

Something to think about.

[Meaplus3]

Ugh. I'm posting this as a confessional. I already know the right way to deal with this, but temptation is there. My resolve is weakening.

 

 

To get you up to speed:

• I broke up with my guy a week ago.
  
• Thursday, he asked to see me today as he'd be in my area.
  
• I responded with a firm "No," and initiated NC.
  
• He responded with some angry text messages, then silence.
  

So today is the day that I know he'll be in my area. I've been trying to decide what to do w/ myself. Secret confession: secretly hoping he'll break NC and come over. I've been thinking maybe I should leave the house entirely, so that I won't be here alternating between hope/fear that he would show up. But honestly, I figured I wouldn't hear from him since he was sooo mad at me for the NC email.

 

Bright and early, I got a text message from him:

"So damn tempting, and painful is my angst. Ultimatums leave me cold and lost. Love is way overrated."

 

Okay, so he and I are both obsessing over today, knowing he's going to be close by. You all said that as soon as his rage subsides he'll be feeling the loss and will contact me. As for me, I'm still weepy and got extremely triggered by a romantic movie last night because the couple reminded me of us so much. Ugh.

 

Secret confession that I'm forcing myself to admit: I want to text him back and meet him later.

 

What I'm actually doing right now: Nothing. I got the text an hour ago, and put my phone out of reach. I decided to post here. I'm going to take a shower next and go out to the grocery store. Then I'll come back and see if anyone here has responded.

 

People tell me that I'm the strongest person they know. They tell me I'm wise and admire how I will take decisive action. OMG, but I feel like such a pathetic and lost soul right now. I miss my boyfriend so badly. I'm trying to act strong with this NC thing, but it's killing me. I don't know if I can do it.

 

You can do it you just need to stay strong! If you give in it will only cause you more confusion. I know this is tough and it hurts but it's best for the long term in order to move past the relationship. Try and distract yourself with something that keeps your thoughts off him. Hang in there.

 

AP:)

[Lonely Lover]

Wildsoul,

 

My heart broke for you when I read your last post. I tried to do the "soft" NC with my xMM a dozen times over the past 4 years. I was convinced that we could make it work--that we could be friends, and wait until his divorce to be lovers again. The attempts always ended badly. Always. Eventually, the physical and emotional attraction become too much. Even when I managed to keep my emotions bottled up, his would eventually overcome him. When I still refused him, he would get angry and hurt. I couldn't stand seeing him so hurt, and so every time we ended up right back where we were before. Each time we caved and returned to our A, my wounds would get a little deeper. Each time, I would lose a little more respect for myself. At this point, the person I am today is only a shadow of the woman my xMM fell in love with.

 

You can forgive yourself for a slip in NC--it's so hard to keep away. But based on my experiences I would urge you to reinstate it NOW. After all, he already demonstrated that his needs (to see you) were more important to him than yours (to have NC). Can you really trust him to respect your "soft" NC?

[wildsoul]

Wildsoul,

 

My heart broke for you when I read your last post. I tried to do the "soft" NC with my xMM a dozen times over the past 4 years. I was convinced that we could make it work--that we could be friends, and wait until his divorce to be lovers again. The attempts always ended badly. Always. Eventually, the physical and emotional attraction become too much. Even when I managed to keep my emotions bottled up, his would eventually overcome him. When I still refused him, he would get angry and hurt. I couldn't stand seeing him so hurt, and so every time we ended up right back where we were before. Each time we caved and returned to our A, my wounds would get a little deeper. Each time, I would lose a little more respect for myself. At this point, the person I am today is only a shadow of the woman my xMM fell in love with.

Thank you everyone!

 

Lonely Lover, I'm highlighting your reply in particular as it's such a good mirror for me to look into. I can well imagine myself making those same dance moves with him. Particularly poignant are the sentences I bolded.

 

I'm taking it all in.

 

I think my first attempt at NC didn't go well for a lot of reasons, some that you all have mentioned here. Before reinstating another hard-limit NC, I'm going to try this "soft" one just for now (as in today, or this week, I'm thinking short term.) Meantime, I'm going to continue reading here. I'm also waiting for a book I ordered to arrive. It's called "Ending the Affair." Amazon said it shipped already.

 

Thank you again. I'm really trying to integrate your wisdom. It helps so much to keep reading here and learning from your been-there-done-that stories.

[mytruelove]

i just read your other post and we really are in the same place. the chemistry between my guy and me sounds a lot like the chemistry your talking about. do not beat yourself up for seeing him hon. i know what goes through your head when you do because i've done it to myself.

 

yes, we have the same plan. i don't know about you but a lot of the contact in our relationship is with me initiating (just the way things have gone). i want to stop this and try and let him do that. i will still see him and talk to him, just maybe not as much.

 

he asked to possibly see me tomorrow night. i have other plans (i will not turn plans with friends down for him), but i will call him and if possible see him after.

 

i already broke "soft" NC today by sending just a generic email today, not really looking for a response.

 

i really feel like i need to get everything out and explain myself to him and make sure all the cards are out on the table and he really knows where i am coming from.

 

we vowed before any of this that we would remain friends, so i feel obligated to do that, even though it hurts and i know in reality it is probably not possible for me because i want soo much more.

[Owl]

Remaining friends after an affair is nearly always impossible. "Going back" to the friendship before the affair doesn't work.

 

There will always be those residual feelings...one person or the other always ends up still wanting the relationship to continue as "more than friends"...

 

Look at the thread that SMOOTH posted on here a few weeks ago, about working with her "ex-OM". Her husband ended up posting on the infidelity side because the reality was, she was still pining for OM and looking for a good rationalization/justification to continue to remain in contact with him for any reason she could find. This is a classic example.

 

The only way to end it is to END IT.

[whichwayisup]

Emotionally, his being with me seems to have remotivated him.

 

No, it hasn't removitated him to do anything except keep you in affair mode. He isn't going to sort out his marriage, he has no intention of ending it, not now and not in the next 6 months.