stuck33 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 hi all, i am seriously in need of advice! background: my husband and i are both 24. i met him 4 years ago....the first year was pretty bad - we were on and off and he cheated (twice!)....the second year was good - we moved in togther and got engaged. we got married last november (8 months ago). as far as i can tell, and i'm usually pretty good at finding out, he hasn't been unfaithful since the 1st year. i think i might have just really wanted him to ask me to marry him, maybe not actually marry him. i started having doubts early in the engagement and secretly wanted him to mess up so i had a reason to leave. the thing is, i liked my life with him and i had no real reason to leave him - we hardly argue, the sex is okay (not great, not frequent, but not bad either) and for the most part we have similair interests. we got married, and i was again immediatly doubtful. we almost seem more like best friends and roomates - there has never been romance, so i know not to expect it; he has never made me feel particularly special...i'm just not convinced that i'm IN love with him. everyone told me my doubts during the engagement were "normal" and i just had some "cold feet". i thought after the wedding it would get better. now everyone tells me that "marriage has it's ups and downs" . even my own mother has told me that in marriage you go through 2 phases - being able to tolerate him and not being able to tolerate him. we have only been married 8 months, and it's stagnant (as it always has been) and it has mostly been me in a "not tolerable" phase. to make everything worse, he is extremely hard to talk to as he will almost always agree with me to avoid a fight. i feel horrible and guilty for feeling this way. and a good part of me wants to enjoy being 24 - i'm going through a lot of changes (finished college and now have a well paying job and have reconnected with a lot of friends) and i have never really gotten to do that whole independent, fun 20 something thing. should i have not gotten married to begin with? where do i go from here? thanks guys!
Ronni_W Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 (((hugs))) There isn't really any need to feel "horrible and guilty" for whatever feelings that you do experience. It seems to be how we've been taught to react to what some might judge as "negative" feelings...but we can also choose to just accept our doubts, sadness, etc., without trying to judge them. Whether or not you "should have" married him is no longer an issue -- you did. You get to deal with the current situation, not the "what ifs" that led to where you are now (or could have avoided it.) Not to make too light of it but where you go from here is basically in one of two directions: [1] individual therapy and marriage counseling, or [2] a divorce lawyer. My suggestion would be to explore the first direction, first -- find out if there are personal beliefs that are blocking you from fully committing (mind, heart, soul and body) to marriage in general; and then couples' counseling will help you gain some clarity on your marital relationship, in particular. But really. Follow your own Heart. Your mom and all the people who love and care about both of you very much do NOT know what are your deepest needs, desires, dislikes, likes and goals; they cannot know what is in your own long-term best interest. But your own Heart does!
carhill Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 OP, just so you know, you can have independence and fun while married. You define that I presume you got married because you liked being in a relationship with someone, but that doesn't negate who you are; it just means someone else is important to you and you don't get to randomly hook up with whomever you might fancy that day Since you have issues with trust, due to past infidelity, I'd recommend some MC. Is your H up for that? IMO, it's much better to get MC when you're young, rather than waiting until you're older and habits/behaviors are more entrenched. It will also help you clarify if the relationship and marriage are healthy for you. If they are not, and the two of you can't find health, it's far better to D prior to bringing children into the equation. There's no shame in making a mistake. Merely take responsibility for it, own it, and move on. Trust me, by the time you get to my age, you'll have made a lot of mistakes
dgiirl Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I agree with the guys. There is no reason to feel guilty about your feelings. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel. You should really give yourself credit! Most young people dont stop and think about their marriage until they are nearing their 30's. A common age now for divorce. IF you have to get a divorce, now is so much of a better time then 10 years from now. Trust me on that one! So do not feel guilty if that's the inevitable road you end up on. But I also agree with the guys in that you should try everything you possibly can before getting a divorce. It sounds like you are missing something in your life. Do you know why you stayed with your bf the first year after he cheated on you? It sounded like a rough year yet there must have been good qualities that made you want to stay? Have you ever been able to forgive him for cheating? Are you holding onto any past resentment? You have to analyze yourself and figure out how you tick. I think individual counseling can help you understand what that is. Please do not get into the grass is greener syndrome. Being single is not ALL it's cracked up to be. It's not that bad either. Married and single life are just different. They both have their good and bad traits. And whatever you think you are missing while being married, you might be able to still get. Just because you are married does not mean you cant still have fun. You can still have YOUR time with your friends. You feel like you have no independence. What does independence mean to you? If you were in a relationship but not married, could you still feel independent? How? What kind of traits can you bring into your current life that will still let you feel independent?
Author stuck33 Posted August 2, 2008 Author Posted August 2, 2008 I agree with the guys. There is no reason to feel guilty about your feelings. Everyone has a right to feel how they feel. You should really give yourself credit! Most young people dont stop and think about their marriage until they are nearing their 30's. A common age now for divorce. IF you have to get a divorce, now is so much of a better time then 10 years from now. Trust me on that one! So do not feel guilty if that's the inevitable road you end up on. But I also agree with the guys in that you should try everything you possibly can before getting a divorce. It sounds like you are missing something in your life. Do you know why you stayed with your bf the first year after he cheated on you? It sounded like a rough year yet there must have been good qualities that made you want to stay? Have you ever been able to forgive him for cheating? Are you holding onto any past resentment? You have to analyze yourself and figure out how you tick. I think individual counseling can help you understand what that is. Please do not get into the grass is greener syndrome. Being single is not ALL it's cracked up to be. It's not that bad either. Married and single life are just different. They both have their good and bad traits. And whatever you think you are missing while being married, you might be able to still get. Just because you are married does not mean you cant still have fun. You can still have YOUR time with your friends. You feel like you have no independence. What does independence mean to you? If you were in a relationship but not married, could you still feel independent? How? What kind of traits can you bring into your current life that will still let you feel independent? I am trying to not be all - grass is always greener. i am trying to be as critical of my feelings as possible so i don't just go jumping around, if that makes sense. the first year was rough. we starting loosely dating and he was friends with an ex. needless to say he was with us both and he told me and then we starting being more exclusive. he was having some emotional problems and his ex just wouldn't leave it be for a good while and he cheated. i have always felt this sort of competitiveness when it came to her, and i'm starting to realize that maybe i stayed with him out of a stubborn "you can't have him" kind of way. i did forgive him, because he really turned it around - got a steady job, went back to school (later dropped out again), and started being a whole lot nicer. i do want to bring up counseling, i just don't know how to go about it - he doesn't really know how i feel, which i admit is completly my fault, i have never been good with communicating my feelings. and i have starting doing my own thing more so than before, which is hard because we only have one car for the time being and work opposite shifts. ugh!
cyabye Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 RED FLAG #1 the first year was pretty bad - we were on and off and he cheated (twice!) RED FLAG #2 i think i might have just really wanted him to ask me to marry him, maybe not actually marry him. i started having doubts early in the engagement and secretly wanted him to mess up so i had a reason to leave. RED FLAG #3 we got married, and i was again immediatly doubtful. we almost seem more like best friends and roomates - there has never been romance, so i know not to expect it; he has never made me feel particularly special...i'm just not convinced that i'm IN love with him. Now what do you want to do? Do you want to work on the marriage or was it one huge error in judgement? I would try some marriage counseling before doing anything rash. The grass is not so green on the other side of that hill! Start COMMUNICATING. Hope this helps! C'YA BYE!
Ladyjane14 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 All I can tell you is that if you do decide to dump him... read through some of these guys' threads and see how painful it is when you do it half-assed. It's better to 'rip off the band-aid fast' than it is to try and let them down gently. So... if you want out, be FIRM about it and don't give him alot of false hopes and mixed messages. Oh... and if you really don't know your mind on the matter yet... mind your birth control. It's even worse for these fellows when they've got babies at home and a wife who's gone all wishy-washy. You know, you wouldn't be the first young lady in the world who got married and then regretted it. And it's never pleasant to hurt somebody's feelings... so, mull it over as best you can, make a final decision, then get behind that decision 100%.
Ronni_W Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 i do want to bring up counseling, i just don't know how to go about it You can do it from a point of, "I'm starting to feel a bit lost and out-of-sync -- probably just a result of me meeting the love of my life when I was only 20 <give big hug & sincere smile>. But now I need some help to learn how to develop as a person in my own right. Would you please come to counseling with me?" If he is feeling good in the relationship, then obviously he may not feel drawn towards couples' counseling. Do not take is as a message that "he doesn't want to work on our marriage" because, FOR HIM, there very well could be nothing to "work on"...due to, as you said, your not having shared your doubts and anxieties with him earlier. In any event, him not perceiving your current needs/fears would be fine cos this really sounds like it is much more an 'internal' issue for you, anyway. Then just avail yourself of individual counseling, which will help you gain clarity, learn assertive communication skills, etc.
Author stuck33 Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 thank you so much for all your replies, they have been very helpful. i should be getting health insurance in the next couple of weeks (new job!) and will look into some individual counseling. i think i should start there as most of the problems are MY problems with the marriage. i'm not sure if there is a whole lot he can change himself to make it better - we don't fight, he is pretty supportive of me, he helps around the house (as much as i would expect any husband to, atleast hah). but we do need to work on our communication, it is pretty superficial at best and that i'm hoping we can work on one way or the other with some therapy. thanks again guys!
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