pleasebelieveme Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Just curious about the sort of response from any folks out there who have sent that one letter where they spilled their feelings all over the page - that letter that everyone says to write but not send. Who has sent it? What happened, if anything? Obviously I'm asking because I'm considering doing it, and while I want truthful responses from everyone I am hoping to read enough negative stories to help deter me from doing it! I mean - it can't ACTUALLY convince someone to come back to us, can it?? -pbm
Tony T Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Sending a letter like that is suicide. About the only way somebody is going to come back to you is if you are cool and you don't try to contact them in any way. Have respect for the space they are seeking. After they collect their thoughts, if they feel they have made a mistake you will hear from them. If you send them a long, mushy, wimpy letter it will sicken them usually and discourage them from any further contact. If a person doesn't hear from you, they become curious. People tend to be very attracted to someone they know can live without them. (Truth is, we can live without most anybody...life goes on and there's lots of others in the people store.)
Lishy Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 omg i SOOOOOOO did the letter once! I cringe just thinking about it and it was years ago Don't do the letter!!!!!!!!!!! If you want him back then just live your life and be happy, that is the only chance you have Repeat after me ... I WILL NOT DO THE LETTER!!!!!!!!
ioncebelieved Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Sending a letter like that is suicide. About the only way somebody is going to come back to you is if you are cool and you don't try to contact them in any way. Have respect for the space they are seeking. After they collect their thoughts, if they feel they have made a mistake you will hear from them. If you send them a long, mushy, wimpy letter it will sicken them usually and discourage them from any further contact. If a person doesn't hear from you, they become curious. People tend to be very attracted to someone they know can live without them. (Truth is, we can live without most anybody...life goes on and there's lots of others in the people store.) We have a winner!!!! You know I actually sent an email after a few weeks and I thought it was perfect and had everything I wanted to say in it...so I thought. Big mistake. I mean that I heard from her after it was sent, but it did me NO GOOD!!! No telling what she thought either???? Only option you have left is to disappear as hard is that may be.
Biker2007 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Many moons ago I sent the letter. I received nada from her except more heartache hoping she would reply... My advice is to say what you need to say during the relationship. Begging and pleading w/her after the fact is not going to do anything for you except make her lose respect for you. Once you lose that, it's tough to get back.
replicator Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 I sent the letter. The last one, I told her I loved her, and I forgave her. She responded, and she showed me that she still cared about me, but it did nothing for me. She didn't come back to me. It may have helped me move along the process of grieving, but it didn't make me feel any better. You can't convince anyone to love you.. If it were possible, she would be here with me, because I would have given anything to keep her.
kyta Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Cant say i have even wrote the letter let alone sent it, i dont see the point move on live your own life, they know where you are if they want to get in contact, and hopefully they wont contact us, words are cheap action speak volumes.
lovestruck818 Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 as hard as it is to spill your feeling and thoughts in person, it really is the best way to get your emotions across- to look your partner in the eyes so he/she knows exactly how you are feeling & reacting.
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 The only type of letter I've ever written, then emailed, is one to dump negative emotions with and who better, than on the perp in question. Beyond that, there's no way in hell I'm going to expose myself to someone who doesn't have my best interests in mind. This way, I have no regrets about sending something sappy.
Nevermind Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I wrote both the sappy and the angry letter at one point. Well, it was an angry text but still.. Regrets I have only for the angry one. He ridiculed my sappy sentiments, and strangely enough this took away any shame I had for them. Because I was simply true to my emotions. I treated both him and me with honesty. Don't get me wrong, it didn't help matters or made me feel better. He didn't deserve to know how deep both the affection and pain went. But he only discredited himself when he ridiculed me, and for the first time his spite didn't cause me to hate myself. The angry text I regret, because it was stooping to his level. He definately deserved it. But I should have remained dignified and cool anyway. Because that's what I deserved. Oh well, lesson learned.
tealeafbud Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 i've wrote the letter and read it to her on the phone. I never sent the email to her. I didn't want that matzo ball out there in print. I'm glad I didn't send it.
Trialbyfire Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 i've wrote the letter and read it to her on the phone. I never sent the email to her. I didn't want that matzo ball out there in print. I'm glad I didn't send it. Exactly!
kizik Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Sending a letter like that is suicide. About the only way somebody is going to come back to you is if you are cool and you don't try to contact them in any way. Have respect for the space they are seeking. After they collect their thoughts, if they feel they have made a mistake you will hear from them. If you send them a long, mushy, wimpy letter it will sicken them usually and discourage them from any further contact. If a person doesn't hear from you, they become curious. People tend to be very attracted to someone they know can live without them. (Truth is, we can live without most anybody...life goes on and there's lots of others in the people store.) This is a great post, Tony! Thanks for it.
ahhhchooo Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Unfortunately, I'm guilty of sending the letter. I cringe thinking about it now. It's still there, in my sent box. I am NOT reading it ever again Just thinking about how I told her I loved her, she was the only one for me, I could never feel the same way about another person, she's perfect... oh gosh.
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Don't send it! Listen to that advice that it's cathartic to write it- but a bad idea to send it. I sent a letter to my ex- poured my heart out... and I got no response, I cringe now when I think that I sent it. We did talk things out almost two years later. But it took him two years to talk to me after the break up. If you are thinking of sending a letter- don't do it. You always do it with the intent of a response... and when that response doesn't happen... or it's not the response you want- it's crushing.
SarahRose Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I did a couple of letters many years ago when I was a young whipper snapper and didn't know any better. I would never write one now. I suspect most guys don't read them at all or if they do, they read the first line and that's it.
april1325 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I sent the "letter" it did not change my circumstance. he just seen it as a means to inflict more pain on me. My advice is dont send the letter. It may be better to just tell them your feelings in person. if you cant write the letter, but dont send it.
Sahara84 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I'd write the letter then tear it up. It's probley not going to change anything. You'll just be left further into LIMBOLAND and going nuts with all these questions that will probley be left unanswered. Sorry
Ocean-Blue Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Just curious about the sort of response from any folks out there who have sent that one letter where they spilled their feelings all over the page - that letter that everyone says to write but not send. Who has sent it? What happened, if anything? Obviously I'm asking because I'm considering doing it, and while I want truthful responses from everyone I am hoping to read enough negative stories to help deter me from doing it! I mean - it can't ACTUALLY convince someone to come back to us, can it?? -pbm No, a letter won't convince someone to come back (especially if they left you). I sent a letter to my ex for some closure. I left him some time ago and it was quite messy. I don't regret sending the letter because I just wanted to say goodbye and wanted him to know that he means something to me. If you are going to write a letter, do not expect a response. I wrote my letter b/c I needed to tell my ex that I was sorry for how things ended. If he had sent me a letter where he spilled his guts and told me he loved me, etc. I still wouldn't have gone back to him. Do it ONLY if you want closure. Do not write in the hopes of winning someone back.
gd26 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 With the last guy I was interested in (who I've posted about), I wrote him the first letter after a month after meeting him. We were long distance. Things between us were going GREAT, he was calling me all the time (4-6 times per week), and he was clearly fascinated by me thinking I'm one of the smartest, most balanced women he's ever met. But I started getting scared of all his attention, as it pulled me in further and further. So I wrote him a looooong letter telling him that I was afraid of all my budding feelings, and that we needed space. We talked on the phone, and he agreed to give me a few months to myself so that I could focus on academic stuff (as I had major deadlines coming up). A few weeks later, I started missing him, and realized that getting cold feet was my own fears talking to me, and that I shouldn't ruin something wonderful. So what did I do? I wrote an 11-page letter pouring out all my feelings to him, telling him how much I liked him, and that I thought he was my soulmate. I also stated in it that we should do moderate contact rather than not talking for a few months. A few days later he writes back telling me that he just wants to be friends... and I'm floored! He says we may have compatibility issues that prevent us from a relationship. I can't believe the sudden change in attitude from someone who was so excited about me! I couldn't understand what happened, so I think that probably I need to explain myself more.... So I write him ANOTHER long email, expressing how confused I am at his sudden change of heart, and mixed messages. I write about past men in my life and things that I learned from those experiences as well. I again reaffirm how much I care about him (wrongly thinking that reading this would make him feel special and more connected to me). Then a few hours later, I feel embarrassed for writing such long emails, so I send a follow-up email apologizing for writing such long emails and acting needy. I wrote that I was just trying to process my feelings, and shouldn't actually have send those long emails. A few days later, he responds, tells me that he never meant to give me mixed messages, and that he just wanted to be friends... and always thought that we were only friends. He says he needs space. He says he hoped writing those long emails helped me sort out my feelings (this comment, while nice, still seemed patronizing). I start feeling upset, and a few weeks later I write him again. It's a polite letter, but there is an underlying sense of frustration in it. I point out instances in which he previously told me he was interested, and how I don't appreciate him lying that he just wanted to be friends, etc, as that's not true! I also point out other things that he's done that haven't been perfect, and I tell him that I realize that I just need to move on with my life... as his sudden pulling away completely confused me. He writes back some days later apologizing again for having hurt me, saving he never meant to do so. He confessed that he was really interested in me in the beginning, but my 'drama' started to scare him. He also didn't understand why I started emailing him again after a few weeks, as I had asked him if we could wait a few months until I took care of a few things. He said that in itself made him pull away. He tells me that he will contact me again sometime next year after his divorce is finalized, so we can stay in touch as FRIENDS (multiple references to 'friends' in that email). After that email (it has been 2 months by then since we'd talked on the phone), I got tired of the ridiculous email exchange... so I just called him, thinking that at least our last exchange should be free from miscommunication. I called him on the phone, and he immediately warmed up to me... as he again remembered the woman he used to talk to so fondly with previously. He said he just got spooked after I told him I'd contact him in 3 months, and then started writing him in 2 weeks. I told him that I'd written in my email to him about why I started writing him... because I wanted moderation instead of no contact. He was stunned, as in his haste in trying to read 11 pages of email... he missed that part and didn't understand what was happening and why I was being clingy. He said that his statement of our incompatibility was just a reaction and stated prematurely. He started talking to me about his compatibility concerns about having a relationship with me (such as different views on having kids, etc). Even though the damage had already been done, and didn't seem repairable, at least he understood somewhat. He told me he still needed space, but that he'd contact me in a month. I gave him the space with no contact, and he emailed me 2 weeks later. It was a short impersonal email... there was nothing for me to say, so I didn't respond. I don't want to be a string along for someone who isn't sure he wants me. Our last phone conversation was 32 days ago... so I have maintained NC for 32 days now. If I had realized that my long emails would push him away, I would have never written them. I simply didn't realize their effect, as I assumed my long sincere emails would bring us closer. So please learn from my experiences and DO NOT send such an email, especially if your relationship is fairly new. I think it is too late to revive my relationship with that guy. I have started working on moving on with my life now. I doubt he'll ever come back, but in the minuscule chance that he ever does (after not 1, but several such letters)... I know it will only happen if he feels that he has all the space he needs. It's too bad that things worked this way, as I am that same woman that he adored so much in the beginning. I am a fairly confident person. I just got clingy as a reaction to him pulling away... as I didn't know how to deal with it... so the more he pulled away, the more I pursued... and it was a vicious cycle. Even though my future with him seems to be over, at least this is a lesson that I will take to future relationships... and I hope others can learn from my experience. I'm not suggesting people try to hide their feelings. If someone asks you if you care, of course you should say 'yes' if you do. But don't be overly sentimental like I was, and don't pour your heart into those long letters, as it likely won't bring you closer... and will only scare him away. I had a guy who was very excited about me, and ended up getting scared off... simply by my long sentimental letters.
HopeDiesLast Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 See i sent the letter....i had the talk and poured my feelings out. I don't think it pushed him away. I think he was already away. He knows how i feel. I said everything i could. If one day my ex changes his mind...he will have to pray to god im available. Yes it hurt when i didnt get responses i wanted from the letter and the talk, but it also let me know hes NOT "on the fence". He just doesnt want to be with me right now. So now ive disappeared. Its my only option. And who knows what happense next. But i dont regret letting my feelings out. I've always been open and honest.
mousse Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 I sent a letter to an ex to express my feelings once and it actually made me feel better and completely liberated me. People around me were telling me he didn't deserve it etc... but I really felt I had to do it, that those were things I needed to say. I must admit that I was disappointed not to receive an answer at first - he did send me one vague answer, but one year and half later, I guess that doesn't count - , but the feeling of finally sending that letter, of daring to say all that I felt without being afraid was great, freeing and beautiful.
Zapbasket Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 It's the hardest thing to do when you're devastated at the prospect of the permanent loss from your life of someone you care about and the dreams you thought you shared with them. But: When someone says they want out, or want space, the only thing to do is to give it to them. I think it's a loving and reasonable act to make ONE last plea along the lines of, "I'm having trouble understanding--is this TRULY what you want?" And if they say yes, and even if you think in truth that they have NO IDEA what they want, you disappear. They then shoulder the whole burden of the reality they created for themselves, and they must sit with that. You can look up my earliest threads where I describe the multi-stage circumstances of my breakup with my former partner of 5 years. (The breakup was in Dec. '06 and finalized in Feb '07.) I wrote my ex a long mea culpa letter just before New Year's of '06 and said I hoped we could work things out. My family and friends said the letter could melt a heart of stone, but its effect was only to confuse and further upset my ex. He said to me, "My reasons for breaking up with you are all in your letter. AND WHY WOULD YOU WRITE A LETTER LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE, ANYWAY?" (emphasis mine) I was FLOORED. In the letter, I took responsibility for all the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship. It was, truly, a mea culpa letter. But he found something unpleasant and undesirable in it, and the only thing I can think of is that he was feeling overwhelmed by the relationship, which is why he was feeling he wanted out...and then received an ADDITIONAL emotional burden that just pushed him further over the edge. From that experience, I have VOWED to myself that I will never plead for someone to stay. I will let them know that I'd like them to stay, but if they're adamant about leaving, I will not stand in their way. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPEND IT BARGAINING WITH PEOPLE WHO FEEL DOUBTFUL THEY WANT TO BE AROUND YOU. It all boils down to taking care of #1: YOU. When you can take care of yourself, you can appropriately take care of others. Begging and pleading is taking care of NO ONE. Good luck to you.
motive2002 Posted September 19, 2008 Posted September 19, 2008 Once I knew the ex never wanted to speak to me again, I left her one final voicemail letting her know EXACTLY how I feel.. knowing full well that it wouldn't get a response. I really wanted her to know how much pain she caused me and what a incredibly horrible person she is and make absolutely no bones about it. I was done being civil. I was done backtracking and trying to be nice. She needed to hear it, whether she likes it or not. I had to finally grow some balls and lay it all out on the line. Haven't spoken with her since, and don't ever intend to. I'm not counting the NC days, because there's no point. I'm never ever speaking to her again.
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