nattylite415 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 Hey everyone, new to this site. hopefully someone can give some advice about how i could go about this. thanks I met this girl my first semester of college and we have been dating on and off for the past almost 2 years. Early on in the relationship she said she loved me. I was shocked at first, but eventually i began to feel that way. I broke up with her three times in the first year for stupid reasons that could have been resolved. It was my first relationship and i did not know how to act. My only reason for acting so quickly is because my best friend went through a terrible break up, which caused about a years worth of him crying and some friendships with long time friends to be severely damaged. Pretty much no one wanted to hang out with him. And i did not want to be the one hurt or miserable in the end. Boy was i wrong. Even though I broke up with her several times, she always took me back with open arms. And everytime we broke up, she cried, and that always got to me. She was always a very happy, outgoing, funny girl that always smiled, and to see her cry was a terrible thing. Even though i did it so many times... After the third time we broke up, i explained why and that i still had feelings for her. But when we broke up that last time i told her i didnt think we could make it work again. To get her back I said i was sorry and confused and it was not her fault, and i would try to make things better. But we did not get back together because i wasn't sure about making a long term commitment. We then agreed to be friends, but we still kissed and went out on dates. When someone would ask if one of us was single, we would just say "i'm just seeing someone now". There would be days where we wouldn't talk because we were busy or stressed with homework. But as the last semester went on i became more distant to her because she was so far, since i returned home to go to a community college for a semester. And when i did visit her it was always to visit my other friends that were at that school as well. I began to rarely go there just for her. Once summer started we hung out a little more but i called her less. then when i went to mexico for a week i only talked to her once. When i was there i bought her a blanket cause she was always cold in the city. A few more weeks go by and she invites me to do the AIDs walk in sf. I reject her offer cause i was going to santa cruz with my friends that same week. Right before i left for santa cruz(2 weeks ago today) i was talking to her online and she asked "are you ok with just being friends?" not sure what to say i simply said "yes". I did not really think about it, and just went on my way. I didnt talk to her the whole time i was away. After a week i came home and called her cause i missed her. she picked up and it seemed like she was busy and did not want to talk. so i told her i would call later. i call her the next day and she doesnt pick up. she calls me later and says "while you were away i realized i dont have feelings for you anymore" I was shocked, but it didnt really sink in. So asked if she wanted to hang out the next day and she said ok. So on wednesday i went and visited her, but i told her i was looking for housing in the city and i just wanted to hang out. I never looked at rooms while i was there, i just went to visit her, but i told her otherwise... We went to lunch and just made small talk. She seemed like she didnt want to be around me. After that we went to the beach, when i asked her if she really was over me, and she said yes. I then asked her if she would ever like me again, and she said no. I told her i have so many things i want to say but i did not think they would matter, but she insisted. I asked her if she would ever want to make it work again and said "No, but thats what you said to me" and that i had hurt her enough already. I had never felt so crappy in my life. She also said that i had my chance. I really wanted to ask for one more kiss or another chance or anything, but i didnt see the point. I did not want her to see how sad i really was. I have never cried in front of her before, and i didnt want to then. So i just held in all my emotions until after i dropped her off. Before she left she asked if i was alright and i just shrugged. And she said if i was sure and just shrugged again. She told me to call her if i needed to talk, but the only thing i would say is that i want her back and im willing to change, and i didnt want her to see me weak. i decided not to call her and havent spoke to her since. Now i know what it must have felt like for her everytime i broke up to her, buti dont see any relief in sight, she looked very serious. that was the worst drive home ever. she really seemed like the one, and im sure shes already looking into someone else. I respect her decision and i feel i should give her some space. On the otherhand, i dont know what to do. i can't sleep, everytime i eat i feel like throwing up, and everytime i think about her i start to well up. if i had one more chance i'd do anything to make her feel special again and not used. do you think that will ever happen?
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